Oh the struggles continue..

I was trying to be okay. I was really trying. Eating a "healthy" number of calories a day was extremely stressful and I therefore felt like I needed to stick to my "safe" foods so I could stay in control of myself.. not eat too much or too little.. try to keep myself from gaining or losing weight. My safe foods pretty much include oatmeal, power bars, Pria bars, tootsie pops, and fig newtons. Go figure. But then my boyfriend came down Friday night and wasn't about to let me eat oatmeal for dinner. I was sooooo frustrated, but he was so worried about me not eating enough that I went out to eat with him. Had too much. Saturday was the same. And I snapped. I needed to eat more junk, had to, total compulsion. I was so depressed and frustrated with struggling with what to eat that the only thought that could calm me was that I could eat whatever I wanted and then next week I'd have to starve it off. Even though I promised myself that I was going to try and stop, I just can't stop restricting until my weight is back to where it was last week. So really.. the cycle is just going on. I can't stand the thought of gaining weight. I can't seem to control what I eat on the weekends with my boyfriend. And I started thinking that maybe my eating disorder isn't really anorexia at all.. it seems more like bulimia with fasting during the week being my means of purging. Because it's really the cycle that is the trouble.. I can eat, I can restrict.. but I can't seem to find a real middle ground for any length of time. I can't the foods that everyone else eats without it becoming a binge because it's like.. well I have no idea how many calories are in this hamburger, so I might as well just have fries and dessert and an entire bag of fig newtons too because I'll just starve everything off later. I don't know how to stop the cycle. I just don't. I really thought I had power over the restricting because I could decide to eat if I needed to.. but I never really realized just how badly I am under control of this binge-restrict cycle. I'm afraid to tell my therapist when I go tomorrow.. last week she was talking about putting me in the hospital because I was still so obsessed with losing weight and was on my way to being underweight. But if she knows that I'm really completely stuck in this binge-restrict cycle then maybe she really will put me in the hospital. I don't know what to do. I've never really felt this confused because I've never felt that I haven't been in control of this. Please.. someone tell me what to do..

You know, your story really hits home for me. I have pretty much the same problem.. I am two extremes. I recently have been on an eating binge, and have gained almost ten pounds. After stepping on that scale I freaked... and now I feel guilty to eat. It really sucks, but this is really the only way I know how to lose weight. I have been eating a lot of fruits and vegetables lately.. and taking vitamins.. I don't know what to do... or really what to tell you.. but I wanted to let you know that I am here for support. Good luck sweetie!! :angel:

hi i am 40 and was hospitalised with anorexia at 14. i now have two kids, and weigh the exact right amount of weight for my height, but of course anorexia stays with you, and i am always trying to lose that holy grail half a stone. if you deny yourself food you will binge, it's inevitable. you don't need me to say what you may have done to your metabolism either, the less you eat the less you need before you gain weight. after many years i have finally found that i am more concerned with staying alive , though of course we all want to be thin unfortunately. i don't binge now, because i have discovered that if i eat what i want, but in smallish portions, and go to the gym every other day then i don't gain weight, and it actually goes down sometimes. you don't need me to tell you what damage years of starving and bingeing can do to your insides. you need your three meals, and you need to take exercise (but don't go mad), and most of all you need to think about health before appearance. once your focus shifts from weight to health in a sensible manner, you will be surprised. you feel better, have more energy, and your obssessions dwindle. they never really go away, but denial of all grub is never a good thing.

ant, u hang in there gurl! the vicious cycles are devistating i know, but are always preventable...food is hard. the only food i would allow myself to keep down in me was fruit, and half a sandwhich with not even a teaspoon of jelly. Sad, but now i am recovered and it is the greatest feeling in the world...i gained at least 25 lbs and i dont feel bad. and know u can do this 2..u just gotta put ur mind to it even if it means going out on the street and screaming at the top of ur lungs....its hard and frustarating but possible. remember, looks arent everything, i mean....u have a bf rite? and he cares about u SOOO much....he isnt goin out with u because ur skinny. hes going out with u becuase of U as a person. i bet ur a great gurl with confidence, outgoing personality and great looks;) why throw it all away? i know i did for 2 years but now i have myself back and im holding on to it...

eating disorders are like the cartoons when the cartoon smells pie, and floats with the smell? its like a "can't hold back" situation...something we want but dont want to let go?...think as if ur the cartoon....close the window from where the pie is and it wont demand u....as for in reality...go to a counsellor or talk to someone and express ALL ur feelings to empty ur mind and take loads of stress off ur chest. if u talk to a friend for hours and have them tell u "its okay! its okay!"...even if they dont understand, u now tey are there for u and want u to get better...talking nd expressing urself is like closing the window....it calms and eases u and doesnt make u want to purge....

i hope what i sed somewhat made a lil sense....i really do want u to get better:):)

Love yah!
SammYx0x0x

In some ways you sound alot like me. I too starve and binge, only I purge too. people tell me all the time that I am anorexic as well as bulimic. For some reason that took me along time to except. but it is true after 10 years I can say that it is ture.
I think the best thing you can do is to tell your T. keeping things from her isnt a good thing. Whats the point of haveing a T if you arent going to be hones? If your T puts you in the hospital its because she is doing what is best for you. i know and understand that you wont see it that way, but thats what the ED does to you. You wont see it that way because ED wont let you. All in all though she will know what is best. Good luck sweetie