sungirl66
05-17-2005, 07:35 PM
My Mom died 17 years ago, my brother 2 years ago and my Dad last year.
I cannot handle the fact that I am the only one left (I'm 37). I have constant flashbacks of my father's fight w/cancer and guilt that I didn't do enough for him. I think that the funeral services weren't enough or that the luncheon I had afterward wasn't enough....What a mess I am.
Any help with dealing w/the fact that my entire family is gone except for me?
I cannot handle the fact that I am the only one left (I'm 37). I have constant flashbacks of my father's fight w/cancer and guilt that I didn't do enough for him. I think that the funeral services weren't enough or that the luncheon I had afterward wasn't enough....What a mess I am.
Any help with dealing w/the fact that my entire family is gone except for me?
Sponsor
wmkcolors
05-17-2005, 11:05 PM
I can relate, though my story is different. My mom recently died of cancer. She was still very young. My grandmother, who I was very close to, died right before her. My sister has moved very far away and never communicates with me. I'm haunted by my mom's horrific pain, during the last year of her life. My parents separated, when I was 2. I rarely hear from my father. He doesn't reach out, though I've tried to get close to him. Now, I'm feeling very alone and isolated, realizing any chance of communication amongst the remainder of my family will be slim at best. My sister and my father haven't talked at all for over 12 years. She barely communicated with my mom, during those last months. I'm still struggling to find some stablility, amongst this immense feeling of loss, realizing "there is no family." I might get some help from therapy. I was crying alot today. I don't have the answers, but I wanted you to know I empathize with your loss.
miss helena
05-18-2005, 04:55 AM
Wow, I can SO relate to your story! I've just turned 39 and lost my mum to ovarian cancer 4 months ago, which was 'traumatic' to say the least. I have no siblings, no kids and my father, whom I'm not that close to, is 82 and has been really stuggling since mum died. Besides dealing with the whole cancer/death experience, I've found myself having somewhat of an existential crisis too...! It is such a hard time, a real roller coaster. But I'm feeling a bit more positive now that life will be 'okay'.
Re having no family - this seems a very hard issue to resolve, as there aren't any easy answers, we can't just set goals or go shopping for a new family! ...I too struggle with the whole 'orphan' concept. It's a biggie! I think the best we can do is cultivate and maintain close friendships/relationships, have interests/hobbies and try to get involved with community groups.
Hope this helps a bit - I sometimes think a social/support group for people in our situation might help a bit.
Cheers, Helen
Re having no family - this seems a very hard issue to resolve, as there aren't any easy answers, we can't just set goals or go shopping for a new family! ...I too struggle with the whole 'orphan' concept. It's a biggie! I think the best we can do is cultivate and maintain close friendships/relationships, have interests/hobbies and try to get involved with community groups.
Hope this helps a bit - I sometimes think a social/support group for people in our situation might help a bit.
Cheers, Helen
nikki11
05-18-2005, 06:02 AM
aww im sorry guys, i cant imagine how you must feel but just wanted to say that i am sorry for your losses and wish you bunches of happines for the future!
sungirl66
05-18-2005, 07:42 PM
Well, one good thing is that my fiance has a great family and I guess that I do have their support and love.
It's still hard though....I never thought that I'd be an orphan at 37.
Thanks for the responses.
It's still hard though....I never thought that I'd be an orphan at 37.
Thanks for the responses.
Uff-Da!
05-19-2005, 08:12 PM
I, too, have had many losses over the years. My mother died of cancer when I was 22. I lost my youngest stepson when I was 37, my dad when I was 42, a son-in-law commited suicide, I lost another stepson three years ago and my husband two years ago. I live alone with my three cats. Though all of my five siblings are alive, they are 1800-2000 miles away and we don't see each other often. I saw most of them last summer after 12 years; for one it had been 14 years. I'm a loner and have no close friends.
Though I've had many family losses and I miss them, especially my husband, I find that in my "self-talk" in recent months I tell myself almost every day just how happy I am. So I'm just wondering what the difference is in our reactions and if there is anything in what I've done that might help you.
Possibly one difference in our reactions is that I have a very strong belief in the afterlife and I don't really believe my loved ones are "dead," just changed to another form of existence. So, though I can't hug them or speak to them now, I'll see them again, and I think they are all off doing whatever it is they are supposed to be doing at this point. If you are believer, you might want to focus on this; if not, then go on to some of the other things.
I, too, have occasional times that I think I was a lazy inconsiderate daughter, that I feel guilty that I lost my temper with my husband so many times during his last four years when I cared for him 24/7 and his dementia caused him to "misbehave." Various regrets. But these thoughts pass quickly, as I answer myself that they always forgave me for anything I did "wrong" when they were here, and they have no doubt long since forgiven me for all of these things, too, just as I have forgiven them for anything they might have done which ticked me off at the time. Forgive yourself for "whatever." I'm sure your loved ones have.
I have hobbies which I enjoy, so I take advantage of my alone time to pursue them. I spend a great deal of time in making quilts to donate to world relief efforts, feeling that this way of helping those less fortunate is now my purpose in life at this stage until life presents me with a new purpose. And I'm sure I'll recognize it if and when that happens. What do you see as your life's purpose at this stage?
My cats are my companions. I tell them my troubles, they snuggle and tell me how happy they are to have been given a home instead of the street existence they had before. During the frightening days of my husband's medical emergencies and after his death, one of my cats regularly came to comfort me when I'd cry. He also wakes me from my nightmares when I scream for help. Have you considered getting a pet, who will no doubt calm you and give you undivided love if you treat him well?
And by all means do consider counseling if you can't resolve your feelings at least somewhat within a few more months.
Though I've had many family losses and I miss them, especially my husband, I find that in my "self-talk" in recent months I tell myself almost every day just how happy I am. So I'm just wondering what the difference is in our reactions and if there is anything in what I've done that might help you.
Possibly one difference in our reactions is that I have a very strong belief in the afterlife and I don't really believe my loved ones are "dead," just changed to another form of existence. So, though I can't hug them or speak to them now, I'll see them again, and I think they are all off doing whatever it is they are supposed to be doing at this point. If you are believer, you might want to focus on this; if not, then go on to some of the other things.
I, too, have occasional times that I think I was a lazy inconsiderate daughter, that I feel guilty that I lost my temper with my husband so many times during his last four years when I cared for him 24/7 and his dementia caused him to "misbehave." Various regrets. But these thoughts pass quickly, as I answer myself that they always forgave me for anything I did "wrong" when they were here, and they have no doubt long since forgiven me for all of these things, too, just as I have forgiven them for anything they might have done which ticked me off at the time. Forgive yourself for "whatever." I'm sure your loved ones have.
I have hobbies which I enjoy, so I take advantage of my alone time to pursue them. I spend a great deal of time in making quilts to donate to world relief efforts, feeling that this way of helping those less fortunate is now my purpose in life at this stage until life presents me with a new purpose. And I'm sure I'll recognize it if and when that happens. What do you see as your life's purpose at this stage?
My cats are my companions. I tell them my troubles, they snuggle and tell me how happy they are to have been given a home instead of the street existence they had before. During the frightening days of my husband's medical emergencies and after his death, one of my cats regularly came to comfort me when I'd cry. He also wakes me from my nightmares when I scream for help. Have you considered getting a pet, who will no doubt calm you and give you undivided love if you treat him well?
And by all means do consider counseling if you can't resolve your feelings at least somewhat within a few more months.
Uff-Da!
05-19-2005, 08:27 PM
Oh, one more thing. My husband was 22 years older than me, and with most of my relatives so far away, I always knew there was a high probability that I'd be left alone and would probably spend many holidays alone in my later years. But as soon as that thought crossed my mind, I said to myself, "If that's what happens, I refuse to feel sorry for myself. If I don't want to be alone on a holiday, I don't have to. I can make a holiday dinner and invite someone else who might otherwise be alone. Or I could volunteer at a senior center or other facility which serves the elderly, the homeless or the needy. Or I could just go spend the day visiting people in a nursing home who didn't have family to visit them."
As it has turned out, the first two years since my husband's death, I have been with family, either my stepdaughter or stepgrandchildren, for both Christmas and Thanksgiving. But I still have the above ideas on hold if there are years that I am alone on holidays.
As it has turned out, the first two years since my husband's death, I have been with family, either my stepdaughter or stepgrandchildren, for both Christmas and Thanksgiving. But I still have the above ideas on hold if there are years that I am alone on holidays.
sungirl66
05-19-2005, 08:50 PM
Thanks for the response.
The stuff about them forgiving me really helped alot. I am going to try and hold on to that whenever I am feeling guilty. I have been told by many that I was a wonderful, caring daughter and I have nothing to feel guilty about, but I just haven't gotten there yet.
You talk about your cats....I had to put my Basset Hound to sleep 2 years ago and I am afraid to get another pet. I think, what's the use, I'm just gonna lose that one too.
The stuff about them forgiving me really helped alot. I am going to try and hold on to that whenever I am feeling guilty. I have been told by many that I was a wonderful, caring daughter and I have nothing to feel guilty about, but I just haven't gotten there yet.
You talk about your cats....I had to put my Basset Hound to sleep 2 years ago and I am afraid to get another pet. I think, what's the use, I'm just gonna lose that one too.
Tiana22
04-28-2008, 12:41 AM
My Mom died 17 years ago, my brother 2 years ago and my Dad last year.
I cannot handle the fact that I am the only one left (I'm 37). I have constant flashbacks of my father's fight w/cancer and guilt that I didn't do enough for him. I think that the funeral services weren't enough or that the luncheon I had afterward wasn't enough....What a mess I am.
Any help with dealing w/the fact that my entire family is gone except for me?
I can relate to what you are going through! I am 27 years old. I have a 9 year old daughter who is a gift. She is happy and giving and loving. Just an absolute angel really! Apart from being a Mommy, other aspects of my life are falling apart.. My father died last Summer. I was there when they pulled the plug. My parents divorced when I was young so I had two families periodically. The mother that brought me up passed in 2001, my brother in 1997 and then my Aunt in 2004. My sister and I no longer speak as she refuses to help me in my present situation ..not because of dealing with things differently and blah bloody blah...but because of sheer selfishness. She always was a prick that way! Without a call to even find news of her dying Mother?!!...My Mother has been given 3 months to live three months ago. The tumors in her spine broke her back and she is now laid out in a hospital bed. I am the only one there for her, her friends and family are either dead or non-existent. She has a random visiter once every 2-3 months. She wants me there every day...medical ,expenses emotional support..you name it. I attend school full time and manage barley. There is no more family left! On either my Father or my Mother's side. I am not married...and feel terribly alone. And my poor mother..it is not her death that upsets me the most..it is the way she is leaving this world. She is an intelligent woman that has been robbed of her memory...her body and most of its functions and her life really... all too slowly and painfully. I am pleased to care for my Mother for reasons that she deserves my love and time.. She is a beautiful lady..a wonderful Mother. But I feel as though I am losing my only support...my best friend. It is difficult for my 9 year old to be of any understanding support, not just because she is young but also that she is going through the same thing.. I would never ask anyways... Her Father on top of it all has vanished from her life..taking with him her Grandmother, and brother. That was a heart ache that is all too fresh for her. And court was a misery for me as well! I chug along trying to make it all work but I too feel completely messed despite my daily attempts. But there is no other way no other choice and well I have made it this far! That is what I repeat.
I cannot handle the fact that I am the only one left (I'm 37). I have constant flashbacks of my father's fight w/cancer and guilt that I didn't do enough for him. I think that the funeral services weren't enough or that the luncheon I had afterward wasn't enough....What a mess I am.
Any help with dealing w/the fact that my entire family is gone except for me?
I can relate to what you are going through! I am 27 years old. I have a 9 year old daughter who is a gift. She is happy and giving and loving. Just an absolute angel really! Apart from being a Mommy, other aspects of my life are falling apart.. My father died last Summer. I was there when they pulled the plug. My parents divorced when I was young so I had two families periodically. The mother that brought me up passed in 2001, my brother in 1997 and then my Aunt in 2004. My sister and I no longer speak as she refuses to help me in my present situation ..not because of dealing with things differently and blah bloody blah...but because of sheer selfishness. She always was a prick that way! Without a call to even find news of her dying Mother?!!...My Mother has been given 3 months to live three months ago. The tumors in her spine broke her back and she is now laid out in a hospital bed. I am the only one there for her, her friends and family are either dead or non-existent. She has a random visiter once every 2-3 months. She wants me there every day...medical ,expenses emotional support..you name it. I attend school full time and manage barley. There is no more family left! On either my Father or my Mother's side. I am not married...and feel terribly alone. And my poor mother..it is not her death that upsets me the most..it is the way she is leaving this world. She is an intelligent woman that has been robbed of her memory...her body and most of its functions and her life really... all too slowly and painfully. I am pleased to care for my Mother for reasons that she deserves my love and time.. She is a beautiful lady..a wonderful Mother. But I feel as though I am losing my only support...my best friend. It is difficult for my 9 year old to be of any understanding support, not just because she is young but also that she is going through the same thing.. I would never ask anyways... Her Father on top of it all has vanished from her life..taking with him her Grandmother, and brother. That was a heart ache that is all too fresh for her. And court was a misery for me as well! I chug along trying to make it all work but I too feel completely messed despite my daily attempts. But there is no other way no other choice and well I have made it this far! That is what I repeat.