People with genital herpes should only date each other. Its best for everyone, imo.

I went to the doctor today to get some test done to see if i have it and im with you on that one brother. From what i here a lot of hot girls have it so why not and there are internet dating site with people who have herpes. Another alternative is all the people with herepes rise and infect as many people as they can so if everyone has it ot won't be a big deal anymore jk! But since this virus goes undetected for a long time it could happen if it already hasn't begun to happen

From what i here a lot of hot girls have it so why not and there are internet dating site with people who have herpes.
No offense, but that's the dumbest thing I've heard today. "from what I hear a lot of hot girls have it" Please please please know that "hot girls" usually sleep with "hot guys", so "hot guys" have it just as much. And drunk "hot guys" tend to sometimes sleep with "ugly girls" so then THEY get it and pass it on to the other "not so hot people". What's with all the shallowness?? :rolleyes:

In my opinion if you're sleeping with somebody it's your own responsibility to find out if they have any std's. It's a risk you're taking when you "drop your pants"...A lot of people don't even KNOW they have it (that's how I got it)...

While on the one hand it would be great if all people with Aids dated one another, and all people with herpes and warts and 3 arms would date one another....it's not like that. I think if a guy has herpes and he wants to date a girl that is wonderful and beautiful and everything he hoped for in a girl then he should go for it and take that chance of her accepting him for who he is, not for what he has.

Hear hear for the last post!!!

Hear hear for the last post!!!
Ditto!

And thank goodness i have herpes and not 3 arms! I would be one very lonely woman!

While I never assume that my choices are best for the entire population, I agree that it's silly to think only people with herpes should date others with herpes. What about asymptomatic people? I guess they would just pass it on unwittingly and add to the pool of available herpes singles?

I think the thing to do is share your status and let your potential partners decide. I'm not one to have a decision made for me, so I certainly am not going to decide for anyone else.

anyhow...sorry it sucks for you. I'm sure we all have those days.

I just don't think its right to expose someone to this virus, whether they are willing to risk it or not. They can never know what they're getting into unless they actually have it. Its just like how people with HIV/AIDS should not sleep with non-infected people. It's irresponsible.

I just don't think its right to expose someone to this virus, whether they are willing to risk it or not. They can never know what they're getting into unless they actually have it. Its just like how people with HIV/AIDS should not sleep with non-infected people. It's irresponsible.

But if the uninfected partner is willing to take that risk because they care more about that person than the disease itself... I think it's a beautiful thing.

I got the herpes after nearly 6 years of marraige. Thank goodness my husband doesn't think that way. He's an educated and intelligent man and understands the virus perfectly well and chooses to love me (and make love to me) anyway. It's a virus. That's it.

hey that kind of thinking is crazy, give medical community about 10 or 15 years and we should have a vaccine or a very good ob blocker then no one will get infected or the incidence of infection will be so low, that it will be considered rare, until then just treat herpes like any other problem, take care or yourself and dont blame others, although you have a point by saying that its irresponsible for some one that is infected to sleep with someone without atlest telling them they have herpes first, or to wear protection, some people just dont care though. :yawn:

One point--to try to educate and protect anyone just dropping in on the conversation--wearing protection does not protect your partner from herpes. Please do not rely on this method.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: You may give up your great loving relationship in an orgy of self-sacrifice for your beloved, and thereby hand him/her over to another who may not love him/her as much (or at all); who may end up physically abusing him/her; who may have herpes anyway and lie about it, or not know about it;who may be HIV-positive and not know it; who may be an alcoholic like my ex-husband and will lie and cheat and generally make him/her miserable for years...etc etc etc. If you want to protect your lover and be responsible, then first leave the decision of whether to risk it up to him/her, and if you get a green light, read the Happy Couples thread, decide on a course of protection from herpes, and follow it faithfully; meanwhile, be the best partner you can and the best human being you can, and treat your partner like gold, even in the rough times. Remember that the world (and others who may date your loved one but not really care about him/her) delivers many harder knocks than herpes, and you are more than herpes. Offer your lover what people really need in life--a true-blue companion for all the ups and downs. If you and your partner have that, herpes isn't so significant.

Of course, if you're talking only about sexual encounters (and I'm not trying to be judgmental--I did plenty of that in the freewheeling 70's), well....never mind!

Thanks a lot, that post wasnt very nice. First off nobody that I know admits it. So that would leave me to dating ummmmmmmmmmm thats right NOBODY! How do you suggest we do this, fall in love tell the person we have it, hope they do and if they dont say sorry I cant be with you! Thats horrible. I have been with people who dont have it, Im honest, they know I have it and things are fine. When you are honest and look out and are by all measures carful and informed, life can go on. I dont think posts like that should be allowed on here all negitive like that. Your post really irritated me. We all spend so much time on this board trying to make people believe that thay can be normal and that it isnt the end of the world to have you say that. It was not nice IMO. Some poor girl who just got diagnosed could read that Vs. the happy couples thread. Im glad I dont think like you I would have missed out on meeting a wonderful man!

And by the way, amen to the first few posts and I second that!!!!!!!

I don't think it sucks. In fact, it doesn't impact my life at all. You know, the transmission rate from women to men, just avoiding sex during outbreaks, is only like 4%/year. Use suppressive therapy, and it goes below half that. Not such bad odds, and most sex-positive people are quite okay with the risk. I personally just tell all my partners and use condoms. I believe life is full of risks, and it's way too short to waste worrying about this of all things. Take reasonable precautions to protect yourself and your partners, and *enjoy* your life.

I think the only reason people freak out so much about herpes is because it's (gasp) a STD, and our sex-negative, judgemental society thinks only dirty, bad, promiscuous people get STDs. If you caught herpes, or any other STD, from someone sneezing on you, it would be treated like the non-event it really is.

<<I don't think it sucks. In fact, it doesn't impact my life at all. You know, the transmission rate from women to men, just avoiding sex during outbreaks, is only like 4%/year. Use suppressive therapy, and it goes below half that. Not such bad odds, and most sex-positive people are quite okay with the risk. I personally just tell all my partners and use condoms. I believe life is full of risks, and it's way too short to waste worrying about this of all things. Take reasonable precautions to protect yourself and your partners, and *enjoy* your life.>>

Well, its good that you haven't had that much trouble with it, but some people have it a lot "worse" than others. Worse being very frequent outbreaks, long-term/permanent nerve damage from the virus, constant on-going symptoms, anti-virals (Valtrex) ineffective for them, etc. So yeah, *generally* Herpes isn't that big of a health issue, but in some cases it really can cause serious problems. Theres no rhyme or reason to it...some people just get it a lot worse than others.

bleh whatever I tell girls i have it, wear condoms, avoid sex with symptoms.

Assuming I passed it along, hey that sucks but what can I do? Im not gonna become a celibate monk.

So yeah, *generally* Herpes isn't that big of a health issue, but in some cases it really can cause serious problems. Theres no rhyme or reason to it...some people just get it a lot worse than others.

Yes, that is a very valid point and all true. But...it's is also *generally* the case with every infectious disease. We would have to totally isolate ourselves to prevent any risk of transmission of all infectious diseases which *could* impact our lives seriously and permanently. But we don't...at least, I don't. I wash my hands, stay away from sick people, and use common sense to minimize my risks. why is herpes different?

^ I think thats an excellent point and sort of comes with the territory with disease. Even like SARS a few years back was a big scare when like 20 people of the few thousand infected died. Your odds of having serious complications are more likely from influenza.

Besides, where does this argument even stand anyway? Just everyone should do a blood test and if they have a strain of herpes, only date others with it? Or is it just exclusive to those who know they have it? Whether or not someone wants to debate the validity of stats either way it is a common disease and taking a martyr like stance to protect someone from how awful an experience this has been for you is rediculous. As long as you're gonna do that, stop driving to protect others, dont leave the house because you could at any time be at fault or the cause of some kind of life altering scenario.

And contrary to what others may say or believe, if herpes ruined your life completely...your life was NOT 100% smooth sailing beforehand and there would have been some other scapegoat to complicate things otherwise if it wasnt herpes. Everything looks more appealing in hindsight and either way there is absolutely nothing you can do to make it disappear. You can get stuck in a setting of letting it continue to destroy your life or do whats possible to live your life with it even if its not the life you wanted to have. No one ever gets that anyway.

Yes, that is a very valid point and all true. But...it's is also *generally* the case with every infectious disease. We would have to totally isolate ourselves to prevent any risk of transmission of all infectious diseases which *could* impact our lives seriously and permanently. But we don't...at least, I don't. I wash my hands, stay away from sick people, and use common sense to minimize my risks. why is herpes different?

The Flu, the common cold, pink eye, and other common bacterial/viral infections are NOT permanent and recurring. THAT is the *difference*. I bet that if the "flu" was incurable and permanent once you got it to where it would never completely go away....where you would get randomly recurring fevers/flu symptoms every few months for the rest of your life if you got infected by it just once...that you'd take precautions to prevent or significantly minimize the risks of getting it. THAT is the difference.

Theres also a difference in what you can realistically do. You cannot completely prevent catching a cold short of going into seclusion without any contact with anyone else. But you can *completely* prevent any risk of getting infected with genital herpes...just don't sleep with someone who has it.

But you can *completely* prevent any risk of getting infected with genital herpes...just don't sleep with someone who has it.

Well, when you consider 25 - 30% of people have herpes, and most never know it, that certainly does reduce the available pool of partners ;-)


"I bet that if the "flu" was incurable and permanent once you got it to where it would never completely go away....where you would get randomly recurring fevers/flu symptoms every few months for the rest of your life if you got infected by it just once...that you'd take precautions to prevent or significantly minimize the risks of getting it."

Well, considering we all get viruses probably several times a year, then it is kind of the same thing. Another example is chicken pox. When you get the chicken pox (which is a type of herpes), you have that virus in your body forever. It can reactivate as shingles at any point in your life. Yet we don't freak about getting chicken pox, either :-)

I think it's like everything else. Take reasonable precautions, and enjoy your life. Life is short, and everything worthwhile involves SOME risk. Otherwise you'd live in a bubble inside your house. And think of it this way. If you contracted HSV from someone sneezing on you, regardless of how permanent it was/is, I can almost guarantee people wouldn't be freaking NEARLY as much as they do because it's a STD.

No, but the results of those illnesses can be permanent and/or deadly.

the flu kills people, even here in this day and age in the US. The common cold is caused by many different types of viruses. Just for example, I'll go with RSV, but there are plenty of others that cause the "common cold" and other respiratory infections. RSV kills babies and senior citizens at an alarming rate...even vaccinated individuals (and monthly vaccines run from $1500 and up) experience a dangerously high mortality rate. Your "common cold" or flu bug could easily be spread in public to innocent children around you. I'd say that's a more threatening risk than infecting a grown man or woman with herpes.
From Pulmonary Reviews, Vol 8, No 4, April 2003
From 1976 to 1998, there was an annual mean of 2,126,740 deaths, of which 1,135,724 were attributed to underlying respiratory and circulatory conditions and 69,140 were specifically attributed to underlying pneumonia or influenza.

Pink eye, or conjunctivitis, usually isn't debilitating. neither is herpes. but it can, and yes even in the US, does cause permanent damage and even blindness. In my opinion, that's definately worse than ongoing outbreaks or twitching. And again, it's most common in kids, which isn't the same as infecting an educated and consenting adult.

common bacteria and viruses? pick any one of them...how about staph. or group b strep. very common. very damaging.

so no...those illnesses you mention are not permanent or recurring. you have me there. herpes is definately (for many, but not all) permanent and recurring. but i think my point is still valid. ANY infectious disease poses a serious threat to the people you come in contact daily. Your common cold could kill my boys, even if they were vaccinated. If you really wanted to protect other people, why would you want to protect them from sores and not life-threatening illnesses as well? why would you isolate yourself from physical intimacy and romance (or even limit yourself) to protect someone from sores, but NOT isolate yourself to prevent potentially deadly infections in innocent, unconsenting people?

Don't get me wrong here...to each their own! If anyone here chooses not to date anyone or to only date those with herpes, well...have at it! It is totally your choice to make! But to say that people with hepres should only date each other is saying that there shouldn't be choice. We shouldn't choose to have sex with noninfected partners, like my husband. That's what I think is just not right. You choose to matyr yourself to herpes, well that's perfectly fine by me! But when someone dictates the rest of our choices, or says that they should be dictated (controlled, regulated, prohibited...pick your word of preference there), you've gotta expect that people are going to disagree.

Just to corroborate a point made by hsvmom: My soulmate is diabetic, and his immune system is strange. He can resist infections for quite a long time, but when he gets something, it is debilitating. About 8 years ago my boys and I had a cold which was unusual in its mildness. One of us got it, then about 5 days later another, then about 5 days later another...so that, even though we all recovered in a few days and hardly noticed it, the virus was present in our household for a long time. Finally, and last of all, my soulmate got it. He would get dizzy if he got out of bed, couldn't breathe, couldn't eat, couldn't go to work. After a week of this he began coughing. He coughed so hard that he vomited several times, and then finally reruptured a disc in his back that had been ruptured in a motorcycle accident 15 years before. Because he had no health insurance, he could not get an operation. His back slowly healed, but he could hardly walk and was in great pain for about 9 months, and couldn't backpack for 2 years. And yet people are so casual about spreading colds.

So really any disease that you spread can be life-threatening or life-changing to some part of the population. This is definitely a risk of living at all. Of course, we should all do what we feel is right and necessary to contain the virus. I just don't feel it should be the only factor under consideration--just as my soulmate still goes out into the world, still even kisses me sometimes when I have a cold. And still has sex with me. Quality of life in general is an important factor, and calculated risks are a part of life. Even of backpacking!

I've said it before and I'll say it again: You may give up your great loving relationship in an orgy of self-sacrifice for your beloved, and thereby hand him/her over to another who may not love him/her as much (or at all); who may end up physically abusing him/her; who may have herpes anyway and lie about it, or not know about it;who may be HIV-positive and not know it; who may be an alcoholic like my ex-husband and will lie and cheat and generally make him/her miserable for years...etc etc etc.

OR...your beloved could just as easily go on to find someone who is *clean* and live a long, happy, herpes-free life. The partner you spare would not be at risk of going through the agony of being infected by an incurable disease for the rest of their lives which has the potential to cause numerous problems above and beyond just some "skin lesions." They would not have to worry about the health risks to their baby should they get pregnant (if they are a woman). OR worry about taking a prescription medicine for the rest of their life and the long-term health consequences of that. OR worry about what they will do should the relationship end and then they are stuck with all the difficulties of being single with herpes.

So you see? It works both ways. And to the person who says "its just a virus" well try telling that to someone who has HIV. After all HIV is "just a virus" as well

OR...your beloved could just as easily go on to find someone who is *clean* and live a long, happy, herpes-free life. The partner you spare would not be at risk of going through the agony of being infected by an incurable disease for the rest of their lives which has the potential to cause numerous problems above and beyond just some "skin lesions." They would not have to worry about the health risks to their baby should they get pregnant (if they are a woman). OR worry about taking a prescription medicine for the rest of their life and the long-term health consequences of that. OR worry about what they will do should the relationship end and then they are stuck with all the difficulties of being single with herpes.

So you see? It works both ways. And to the person who says "its just a virus" well try telling that to someone who has HIV. After all HIV is "just a virus" as well

James24, yes they are both just virus's but Hiv will kill you and herpes wont. I't s a shame you have such a negative outlook on this diease, that's sad, you obviously aren't a very happy person,be glad that herpes is all that you have and not HIV. Look at all the people that have HIV, cancer, diabetes, cystic fibrosis, and so on, I'm sure they would love to trade places with you, they could only wish that all they had was herpes. I have had herpes for 4 years and the guy I got it from never had signs or symtoms, thank God I never had your outlook and what makes you think that people with herpes stay single. I found a great guy who loves me regardless of my herpes,we've been married for two years now and I also just had a healthy baby girl 5 wks ago as well so if you let herpes ruin your life, that up to you I guess.

I see what you're saying, James, and I agree with you.

But here's the great thing - your partner has the right to CHOOSE. If your partner can see beyond all that and accept you for who you are...what's so wrong about that? How can you sit there and say that infected people should only sleep with infected people? They have just as much a right to fall in love with somebody that ISN'T infected...and - OH - by golly...be loved JUST AS MUCH in return.

HIV is NOT Herpes. Herpes does not deplete your immune system. In my opinion you can't compare the two. Yes, I have Herpes - and luckily I get an outbreak once in a blue moon. It doesn't effect me, and I'm not pretending to doubt the people that say that Herpes has effected them much more dramatically than me....but you can't compare HIV to Herpes. Period.

I think it might be good to visit some of the other forums here to get a little perspective on herpes once in a while. Yes this "viral skin condition" sucks, yes there are some who have lots of symptoms, yes you can pass it on to someone else. But like Navysab said, I bet there are tons of people out there who would take herpes any day over what they are going through, be it diabetes, cancer, mother of a migrane, abusive husband, painfull divorce - you name it.

Sometimes we really let ourselves dwell on this too much, and I understand, it´s hard and painfull at times to deal with herpes, I don´t deny that in any way. I just think that every once in a while we need to break the cycle and make a constant effort to realize that this is not the end of the world, not the end of our productive and fun lives, not the end of relationships and not the end of sex. It all depends on ourselves if we let herpes run our lives.

I for one don´t meet candidates for Mr. Right every day, it´s pretty rare actually. So if he came along and told me he has herpes (would already be a big plus in my book that he would share) and I was hsv-, then I would never turn him down, knowing how hard it is to meet that special someone.

Just my opinions again, writing while having an ob but still keeping my head up high :)

OR...your beloved could just as easily go on to find someone who is *clean* and live a long, happy, herpes-free life. The partner you spare would not be at risk of going through the agony of being infected by an incurable disease for the rest of their lives which has the potential to cause numerous problems above and beyond just some "skin lesions." They would not have to worry about the health risks to their baby should they get pregnant (if they are a woman). OR worry about taking a prescription medicine for the rest of their life and the long-term health consequences of that. OR worry about what they will do should the relationship end and then they are stuck with all the difficulties of being single with herpes.

Stop giving people with the negative attitudes or continuing to enforce the stigma of herpes the pity party. "Oh, i'm sorry that your having a hard time....). In my opinion if you sit and stew with that type attitude, then why bother to post. Who are you helping? I can understand if you were venting, but you are stating opinions that people with herpes should live as lepers. I for one refuse to limit myself. If you notice, no one is walking around with a buildboard "I HAVE HERPES" James if you'd notice, people come here to lean on each other and try to live a normal life despite herpes. All the negative attitudes are what really sucks!

i'm totally of the opinion that you are free to have whatever opinions and attitudes you see fit to have. but I have to agree with idunno78's point there. It's a board for support and EVERY time someone posts a comment about how everyone should live in seclusion (and no, those aren't the words, but it's obviously the implication) the same argument comes up.

Of course, then again...it is a support board, so if you are having a rough time, by all means post and get the support you need.

But posting comments about how everyone should live, how herpes is the end or the world, etc etc are neither supportive posts nor are they posts in search of support. If you have a negative attitude, I find it totally inconsiderate to impose it on those of us trying to find a way to maximize our quality of life through support from other members.

and now that i've said that...i don't think this thread really deserves the attention it already got, let alone any further attention so I'll gracefully retire from it. carry on as you wish :)

****Deleted*****