Hello All,
I've tried doing searches on the internet but I just don't think I know where to look so I thought I would try here. My BF has full custody of his two teenage boys (13 and 15). Long story short - he and their Mom never married, were together for approx. 9 years, and when they split, she took the boys. But only months into her having them, she took off - nowhere to be found for a year, and the boys were old enough at the time to remember all of this. My BF has had custody ever since and has been devoted to them and their well being as best as he could. Obviously, there is some emotional stress that is now coming out and we are currently seeking therapy for both. However, the younger one's entire personality has completely changed in the past 5 or so months.

When I met my BF, this child was the sweetest boy. He apparently always had a temper but I never saw it. Occasionally, he and his Dad would have battles when he was going to visit his Mom (he wanted to stay because he started hanging out with this "delinquent friend" near where we live). But that was it. He and I became close quickly and he would always hang out with my BF and I, watch tv with us, give us both hugs. He even told me on several occasions that he loved me. Then school started again and he would come home with an attitude, his grades did not improve from the year before (he failed English but went to summer school), and he started disobeying his Dad's curfew. His punishments (being grounded, no computer, etc.) has done nothing. He has not learned from any of it as he continues to make the same mistakes over and over.

But then he got suspended for destruction of school property with another child from school (we think it's the "friend" he's been hanging around with). He was caught smoking cigarettes (and he's always hated his Dad smoking who has since quit) and now his brother thinks he's trying marijuana. He has become verbally abusive towards his Dad, starts fights constantly with his brother annoying him, calling him names, etc., and does not have any interest in spending any time with either me or his Dad (he used to CLING to his Dad). The latest thing just this week was that he got detention for throwing something across a classroom, I found that he stole some things (small but still stealing) from his Dad and I, and the most disturbing - my BF met with the school counselor and she related this. They have weekly group sessions for troubled children. One student (or possibly the teacher) told the group about a sad incident of losing his or her pet. My BF's son then told this elaborate story about a dog (that he never had) who kept barking and barking and he finally had to shoot the dog to keep him quiet. The whole time, the counselor said he was shaking and moving his hands but starting off into space as he told the story.

The last thing is all of a sudden, and I mean all of a sudden, he has dropped a dramatic amount of weight. He has always been a heavy set kid with chubby cheeks even with being active. At first, I noticed a slight weight change but since I've never been through this before, I just thought it was because he was in the teen years and losing his baby fat. But can such a rapid weight loss occur? I mean, he had to have lost at least 20 pounds in the last 2 months.

The boys had a doctor who never bothered to inform us during their last recent visit that he was retiring so we just found out he no longer has a practice. Because they are on Mass Health, we have started calling new doctors to find out if they accept Mass Health AND if they are accepting new patients.

In the mean time, I'm worried and so is my BF. Any ideas on what could be going on while we're searching for doctors........

Thanks so much for any input. I appreciate it.

Hi There, I am so sorry that this child as well as you and your boyfriend are having to go through all of this. How sad. Going into puberty and the teenage years is really tough on a child with all the hormonal changes as well as peer pressure that they have to deal with everyday. Then you add the problem with this childs mother to the mix. It sounds as if you really do need to find a doctor and quick!

This child could be acting out for a number of reasons. It is so hard to try to figure it out so as to try and "fix" the problem when they wont talk to you and it is pretty much a guessing game.

While waiting to get him into a doctor, IMO, what i would do, is to set strict rules and boundaries with this child. I would sit him down and tell him exactly what behaviors are not exceptable and that you will not tolerate it. While at the same time reassure him of how much he is loved.

Is this child eating normal? If you have not seen any changes or reasons for his weight loss i would consider buying an over the counter drug test and i would test him to see if he has been taking anything. I realize he is only 13, however, this world has changed so much and kids now days have such easy access to drugs and are starting much earlier. If he turns up possitive then you may have your answers as to the weight loss and some of the bizarre behavior (the story telling and fidgeting as well as staring off into space) this child is displaying.

I would definately seek help for this child right away do to the nature and violentness of his story that he told. He may have meant nothing by it other than some of the other kids getting a kick out of it and he maybe liking the attention. However, we as parents have to do everything we possibly can for our children as we are their only advocate. It is also a really good idea to try and nip his problem in the bud, before it escalates and something bad happens. You and your boyfriend sound like you are doing a wonderful job with your children, just keep being there for them. Also remember, with all the issues with the 13 year old, dont let it totally consume you that the two of you put the older child on the back burner. Be sure to spend time with him and tell him how proud you are of him and how much you love him.

Like I had said, this 13 yo child is struggling right now and is definately crying out for help. He will be mad and resentful towards the two of you for trying to help him, however, i would seek help for him immediately, trust me.....
he will thank the two of later for saving him.

I wish you, your boyfriend, and this child the best of luck. It is going to be a long hard road, but the child you will have at the end of the road will be well worth it.

ValleyGurl

Hmmmmm, this sounds like a classic case of substance abuse, and NOT marijuana.

I agree!! Been there done that and seen it happen to many kids that age. Keep a sharp eye out on his behavior. Search his room and pockets............