just reading some past posts and was wondering how you are feeling.
Your situation seems so much like mine with the feelings you have.
I want you to hang in there. we all need to know that we are not alone with all these weird feeling we are having. When I visited my DR. for severe dizziness the first thing he told me was that these feelings are real and that he believes me. just that alone was a huge relief to have someone tell me that I am not crazy. The dark thoughts are still here too and I still have to push myself real hard to do things. One thing nobody really hit on was the fear of taking drugs. Has anyone experienced that? My DR said he would give me something and I jsut laughed and said "now you know alot of "us"people wont take meds cause they are afaid of the side affects"

Keep on talking sculpter you will start to feel better. I just started with these post a week or so ago and It has helped me soooo much!

I am not doing well. I can basically function but the quality of my life is very low. I feel it will only get worse. I am never happy anymore. Nothing is good anymore. I do not want to die. period. So I hate that I realized that one day I am going to die. I cannot live this way anymore. I just can't. I can't continue with my life thinking about death ALL the time and feeling my death and wondering if everything I eat or drink is going to contribute to my death or illness later on. I also hate knowing that i am getting older. It is as if I never knew these things before, but I did, you know? I don't want to get older at all. I feel miserable inside. I feel 90 inside and physically although people think I am beautiful. when they tell me that it actually SHOCKS me because I feel so bad inside.

Why does this have to invade every single thing I do?? It's soooo extremely difficult to deal with this when you see everyone else around you living so normally. I used to be that way. I can't go on like this looking at my son and wondering how long I will get to be with him. I am not with him right now anyway. I haven't been since he was born. Yes, physically I am there but my mind is always consumed with fear and sadness like a huge black cloud following me everywhere.

I can't go on thinking everyday that it is one day closer to my death. I can't go on thinking that when I will be 2 years, 4 years, 5 years, 10 years older I will want to return to the past times in my life and relive these years and every year before. Now life is like a blur to me. Why aren't I allowed to dream of the future like others do when they have kids-oh, when he's 5, I'll do this and that or when he graduates from high school, college, gets married. Now I have lost that privilege of dreaming of the future because all I see is bad things and fear and sadness. How can I go on into the future when all that lies there is old age, illnesses, health problems, death of parents and family, my death etc.? Life is so gloomy now.


I HATE KNOWING THAT ONE DAY I AM GOING TO DIE. It intereferes in the smallest to largest things. When doing something normal and simple as buying clothes, my mind automatically thinks, oh, I wonder if I will get a chance to wear this or will I die or will something happen before I get to? Or if I try to start something new then my mind automatically thinks, what's the point, I am going to die anyway.

Now I know I shouldn't think this way but I can't help it. I know I am the only one who can get myself out of this but what about the fact that I feel that it is useless because no matter what I do or try, NOTHING is ever going to erase the inevitability of my death. And THAT is what I cannot deal with. People say to me that it is not in my control and you should just live in the moment and not think ahead and just face death on the day it comes and not worry about it before that. Um, I would LOVE to do that BUT death could happen any day, any time, right? So I am afraid every day, every time because it could be that time. understand? I brace myself for it all the time. My life is just basically waiting for death now. It's like I go through my day everyday wondering every moment is it going to happen now now now? So life is just about avoiding death for me now.

My dream is to wake up one day and be excited about life and my day and feel so at ease and at peace and smile. I want to be able to focus on my son 100%. I crave normalcy. But instead I am left every day with the complete awareness that one day I am going to die.

God, on top of this why did I have to have these physical feelings like this constant burning in my chest and throat that suffocates me every time I breathe and makes me feel how I might feel when I die. And what about this hernia that makes me feel so old because I am incapable of doing many things.
I have become such a worrier. My biggest worry is how I will be when I do get older and am much closer to death. I fear the future too much.

See, these and many other things consume my mind all day long so that is why I feel hopeless and feel there is no way out of this.

I HATE KNOWING THAT I AM GOING TO DIE because now all my life I will know everyday.

I just feel like writing and writing and writing.