worrywort91
05-22-2005, 02:54 AM
all right I'm clearly obsessed over my former and only ex girlfriend, I can't seem to fathom why but heres the deal. As some of you might remember, in my last post, I said that I had only dated this girl for a month. When we dated, I never held her hand or kissed her, or did anything cause I get extremely nervous around girls. I think I just felt that if i tried anything I would get laughed at or slapped. Also at the time i thought my eczema was syphillus, cause i got paranoid about this for some reason. After we broke up she said lets just be friends, which seemd ok then, which was back in high school. It's know 2.5 years later and I can't get this girl out of my mind. We did plays together, rode around together, talked about all sorts of cool stuff...I just could never seem to let go. She was my first love, and i put her on this gigantic godlike pedestial, she can do no wrong. So right now I am exhausted, I have spent the past year pretty much Iming her closest friend daily talking about whole situation, and I keep wanting to talk to my ex. :nono:
Here's my problem, I take everything way too seriously. My firends will joke about the whole situation to me, mock my longing for her, since I've pined for her for so long, and or my ex will occcasionally IM me while drunk and say that she wonders how far I'd be willing to go with her (i couldn't tell she was drunk) or other fun sexual type jokes. Since they know i get nervous whenever talking about sex or girls I like and stuff, it just happens. My ex's friend is telling me to let go, the problem is I always see signs in either the music i listen to or in like the movies that I watch that I should keep trying and maybe things will turn out better. My ex finally told me the reason she dumped me was because I didn't make a move on her, that drove me to have a 3 day long panic attack, because I just realized I let the girl of my dreams basically slip right through my hands when i could have actually made a move on her, it makes me hate myself for being such a wimpy putz. I feel Like I am a horrible disgusting person for putting her through all this stalkeresque crap, and I can only seem to express myself through ranting so if your still reading this great job. :wave:
Right now I don't know what to think, it's summer, I can't find a job, she lives two blocks away from me only. I stopped by her house and talked to her once so far only, I sadly think i ended up annoying her greatly, so that ended badly. I am currently in therapy right now...and the doctor is just making me angry (he says maybe she thought you were gay, or maybe you are gay)....he says I have many issues. I am currently on zoloft...i finally gave into meds...but he said i should be taking lovax and some other drug. The zoloft only seems to be helping alittle bit, I've been taking it for about a week. I'm so ticked, cause I always get so anxious and worried about everything little thing, I take everything super seriously, and my fight or flight reflex is always at max. I got made fun of in junior high alot for this. I currently can't drive- i'm afraid I might kill people. I think i possibly might be afraid to actually have sex if ever given the chance...just because I'd be afraid of std's...If I ever find someone else I would start to worry if she had other boyfriends, I so freaking odd. My friends at home at least have pretty much declared me insane, which i agree with. They constantly tell me to just let go. They even swear at me to try and get it through my thick skull that nothing can change this situation. I'm currently turning 20, and i just feel like I can't get out of this rut i dug myself in...I love this girl I formerly dated so much, I've told her that since we broke up...yet she just said she didn't love me back. She wants to be friends still, but I always seem to get in my head that maybe if I say the right thing, or act a certain way she'll want more instead of just friendship. I can't believe how long I've let this go on, the zoloft is at least making it harder for me to cry, but I still am running into my evil voice inside my head which won't let up. it keeps repeating: you will never find a new girlfriend, you won't be able to make out or kiss, or every girl secretly is laughing at you, or let's face it you will never find happiness with another women. I currently am just out of it, I seem to till sleep in till 3 pm. My parents are really worried, I don't even feel like eating, almost as a punishment to myself. I keep telling myself, things will get better, but then I end up beating myself mentally telling myself they won't this happens daily. :eek: I am at my wits end...and I don't know whether to cry or to just try to numb myself to the whole situation.
Any insight, advice, guidance, words of wisdom, or overall chat will be more then appreciated.
Here's my problem, I take everything way too seriously. My firends will joke about the whole situation to me, mock my longing for her, since I've pined for her for so long, and or my ex will occcasionally IM me while drunk and say that she wonders how far I'd be willing to go with her (i couldn't tell she was drunk) or other fun sexual type jokes. Since they know i get nervous whenever talking about sex or girls I like and stuff, it just happens. My ex's friend is telling me to let go, the problem is I always see signs in either the music i listen to or in like the movies that I watch that I should keep trying and maybe things will turn out better. My ex finally told me the reason she dumped me was because I didn't make a move on her, that drove me to have a 3 day long panic attack, because I just realized I let the girl of my dreams basically slip right through my hands when i could have actually made a move on her, it makes me hate myself for being such a wimpy putz. I feel Like I am a horrible disgusting person for putting her through all this stalkeresque crap, and I can only seem to express myself through ranting so if your still reading this great job. :wave:
Right now I don't know what to think, it's summer, I can't find a job, she lives two blocks away from me only. I stopped by her house and talked to her once so far only, I sadly think i ended up annoying her greatly, so that ended badly. I am currently in therapy right now...and the doctor is just making me angry (he says maybe she thought you were gay, or maybe you are gay)....he says I have many issues. I am currently on zoloft...i finally gave into meds...but he said i should be taking lovax and some other drug. The zoloft only seems to be helping alittle bit, I've been taking it for about a week. I'm so ticked, cause I always get so anxious and worried about everything little thing, I take everything super seriously, and my fight or flight reflex is always at max. I got made fun of in junior high alot for this. I currently can't drive- i'm afraid I might kill people. I think i possibly might be afraid to actually have sex if ever given the chance...just because I'd be afraid of std's...If I ever find someone else I would start to worry if she had other boyfriends, I so freaking odd. My friends at home at least have pretty much declared me insane, which i agree with. They constantly tell me to just let go. They even swear at me to try and get it through my thick skull that nothing can change this situation. I'm currently turning 20, and i just feel like I can't get out of this rut i dug myself in...I love this girl I formerly dated so much, I've told her that since we broke up...yet she just said she didn't love me back. She wants to be friends still, but I always seem to get in my head that maybe if I say the right thing, or act a certain way she'll want more instead of just friendship. I can't believe how long I've let this go on, the zoloft is at least making it harder for me to cry, but I still am running into my evil voice inside my head which won't let up. it keeps repeating: you will never find a new girlfriend, you won't be able to make out or kiss, or every girl secretly is laughing at you, or let's face it you will never find happiness with another women. I currently am just out of it, I seem to till sleep in till 3 pm. My parents are really worried, I don't even feel like eating, almost as a punishment to myself. I keep telling myself, things will get better, but then I end up beating myself mentally telling myself they won't this happens daily. :eek: I am at my wits end...and I don't know whether to cry or to just try to numb myself to the whole situation.
Any insight, advice, guidance, words of wisdom, or overall chat will be more then appreciated.
Sponsor
burninator
05-24-2005, 03:47 AM
where do i start?
i speak from personal experience. i have at least 10 years on you, so i also have a great deal of insight/hindsight/whaticouldashouldadonesight.
ok i know what you are going through; it might seem like no one could ever be in as much emotional pain as you feel right now, but it's more common than you might think.
here's a short list of must do's for you to get started on, in no particular order (they all rank a #1):
DUMP YOUR THERAPIST
i had a very long struggle finding a decent therapist (i've been in therapy 15+ years, with a stint at a mental hospital for severe depression), and you aren't going to begin to heal if your therapist is a jackass. is he taking notes? only good therapists take notes, i don't care how good he thinks his memory is ("the strongest memory is not as strong as the weakest ink"-Confucious). if you have to keep seeing him while you try to find a new therapist, confront him. ask him why he says the things that make you angry: what info about you is he drawing from, or is it mere speculation? saying you have 'lots of issues' is about as insightful as saying 'water is wet'; you know you have issues. i've never met you and i know you have issues. it's resolving the issues that is important, or at least learning how to cope with them.
consider a female therapist/counsellor, as this might improve your ability to communicate and feel more comfortable with females.
CONSIDER NEW MEDICATION
i've been on zoloft (and prozac, and xanax, and paxil...you name it i've probably been on it..i'm what's known as 'treatment resistant') the only thing that has ever really worked long term is Effexor (venlafaxine hcl xr). if you are taking anything to help you sleep, that might be why you are in bed until 3pm. remember it's up to you if you want to take meds or not, don't let your doc bully you into taking them if you really don't want to. if you think meds are an option, there are plenty of things that you can try. if your doc is trying to get you on luvox, i'd ask for (read: demand) a second opinion. unfortuneately you need to try something on a consistent dosage for 3+ weeks to really know if it's helping.
ERASE CONTACT
i know how hard this is, because you are just dying to know what your former gf is up to, looking for anything that suggests there might be another chance; erase (and block) her and her friends from your IM list; no, i didn't say block them (so that they don't know you know they are online), i said ERASE THEM; this is hard, but once you get used to it, quite liberating. i used to have an ex that would do that same suggestive IMing, and i would think 'hey...maybe we've got a shot here...' but it's a game. nothing quite like a little ego stroking from someone she knows adores her. refuse to play the game. if she IM's you: be polite, but indifferent, and keep it brief.
there's not too much you can do about living so close, but DO NOT drop by. i know how tempting it is to pass by her house on the way home, but FORCE yourself to keep a one-block distance from her house at all times (here's a trick: run the extra distance you have to travel...imagine your feelings for her pulling away from you, the farther away from her house you get; hokey? ok maybe a little lol)
SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOUR FRIENDS
as long as they aren't mocking you, or have this habit of being where your ex happens to be, increase your social life. really look at the girls around you. if you see one you think is cute: just remember there is life after what's-her-name. it took me a while, but i eventually realized that i wasn't in love with my ex, i was in love with the idea of my ex. when i really started to hear what my ex said to me, and took a step back from the situation, i realized that this person was...well...rather annoying. here's your first clue: she knows you still care about her, and she won't reciprocate, yet she still makes suggestive comments to you on occasion. that's not just wrong, dude, that's mean spirited. like i said, don't play the game. you've been honest, now learn what you can from the experience and leave the rest behind. if i were you, i think i would want the girl of my dreams to care about me as much as i care about her....
TAKE A DIRECTION
are you going back to school in the fall? unless you are licensed in some sort of skilled trade, go back to school. if you think you can put it off for a couple of years....yeah that's what i did....now i keep getting mistaken for a teacher. not so cool. it's ok to have a dead end job and still live with your parents as long as it's getting you somewhere (ie living at home and saving on rent while going to school is pretty *** awesome). living at home when you are 30+ and staying there because it's convenient, because you are waiting for the 'perfect place' (and making excuses as to why you need to stay in the nest), that's just lame. (and no that's not me, but it is someone i know, unfortunatly).
GET A HOBBY
ok this sounds cliche, but it seems as though you are pretty high strung, or have a lot of energy. i envy you. use that energy and take up painballing, or boxing, or basketball, or whatever it is that you like. i know you probably just feel like lying in bed all day, wallowing in your own self pity (hell, sometimes i STILL want to do that) but make plans that you won't be able to cancel at the last minute, to get you out of the house. you might hate it in the beginning, but it is essential to moving your thoughts on to bigger and better things.
NOW GET CRACKING!!!
that's all for now.
best of luck, keep me posted.
B. :cool:
i speak from personal experience. i have at least 10 years on you, so i also have a great deal of insight/hindsight/whaticouldashouldadonesight.
ok i know what you are going through; it might seem like no one could ever be in as much emotional pain as you feel right now, but it's more common than you might think.
here's a short list of must do's for you to get started on, in no particular order (they all rank a #1):
DUMP YOUR THERAPIST
i had a very long struggle finding a decent therapist (i've been in therapy 15+ years, with a stint at a mental hospital for severe depression), and you aren't going to begin to heal if your therapist is a jackass. is he taking notes? only good therapists take notes, i don't care how good he thinks his memory is ("the strongest memory is not as strong as the weakest ink"-Confucious). if you have to keep seeing him while you try to find a new therapist, confront him. ask him why he says the things that make you angry: what info about you is he drawing from, or is it mere speculation? saying you have 'lots of issues' is about as insightful as saying 'water is wet'; you know you have issues. i've never met you and i know you have issues. it's resolving the issues that is important, or at least learning how to cope with them.
consider a female therapist/counsellor, as this might improve your ability to communicate and feel more comfortable with females.
CONSIDER NEW MEDICATION
i've been on zoloft (and prozac, and xanax, and paxil...you name it i've probably been on it..i'm what's known as 'treatment resistant') the only thing that has ever really worked long term is Effexor (venlafaxine hcl xr). if you are taking anything to help you sleep, that might be why you are in bed until 3pm. remember it's up to you if you want to take meds or not, don't let your doc bully you into taking them if you really don't want to. if you think meds are an option, there are plenty of things that you can try. if your doc is trying to get you on luvox, i'd ask for (read: demand) a second opinion. unfortuneately you need to try something on a consistent dosage for 3+ weeks to really know if it's helping.
ERASE CONTACT
i know how hard this is, because you are just dying to know what your former gf is up to, looking for anything that suggests there might be another chance; erase (and block) her and her friends from your IM list; no, i didn't say block them (so that they don't know you know they are online), i said ERASE THEM; this is hard, but once you get used to it, quite liberating. i used to have an ex that would do that same suggestive IMing, and i would think 'hey...maybe we've got a shot here...' but it's a game. nothing quite like a little ego stroking from someone she knows adores her. refuse to play the game. if she IM's you: be polite, but indifferent, and keep it brief.
there's not too much you can do about living so close, but DO NOT drop by. i know how tempting it is to pass by her house on the way home, but FORCE yourself to keep a one-block distance from her house at all times (here's a trick: run the extra distance you have to travel...imagine your feelings for her pulling away from you, the farther away from her house you get; hokey? ok maybe a little lol)
SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOUR FRIENDS
as long as they aren't mocking you, or have this habit of being where your ex happens to be, increase your social life. really look at the girls around you. if you see one you think is cute: just remember there is life after what's-her-name. it took me a while, but i eventually realized that i wasn't in love with my ex, i was in love with the idea of my ex. when i really started to hear what my ex said to me, and took a step back from the situation, i realized that this person was...well...rather annoying. here's your first clue: she knows you still care about her, and she won't reciprocate, yet she still makes suggestive comments to you on occasion. that's not just wrong, dude, that's mean spirited. like i said, don't play the game. you've been honest, now learn what you can from the experience and leave the rest behind. if i were you, i think i would want the girl of my dreams to care about me as much as i care about her....
TAKE A DIRECTION
are you going back to school in the fall? unless you are licensed in some sort of skilled trade, go back to school. if you think you can put it off for a couple of years....yeah that's what i did....now i keep getting mistaken for a teacher. not so cool. it's ok to have a dead end job and still live with your parents as long as it's getting you somewhere (ie living at home and saving on rent while going to school is pretty *** awesome). living at home when you are 30+ and staying there because it's convenient, because you are waiting for the 'perfect place' (and making excuses as to why you need to stay in the nest), that's just lame. (and no that's not me, but it is someone i know, unfortunatly).
GET A HOBBY
ok this sounds cliche, but it seems as though you are pretty high strung, or have a lot of energy. i envy you. use that energy and take up painballing, or boxing, or basketball, or whatever it is that you like. i know you probably just feel like lying in bed all day, wallowing in your own self pity (hell, sometimes i STILL want to do that) but make plans that you won't be able to cancel at the last minute, to get you out of the house. you might hate it in the beginning, but it is essential to moving your thoughts on to bigger and better things.
NOW GET CRACKING!!!
that's all for now.
best of luck, keep me posted.
B. :cool:
blondie79
05-24-2005, 02:31 PM
Burninator has given you a lot of great advice. I think the key is to sever contact and focus your interests elsewhere. In time, you'll only think of her occasionally. I've had ex-boyfriends become obsessed with me, and frankly it is not attractive. I wish you the best of luck!!
worrywort91
05-27-2005, 02:47 AM
well, guess what, I spoke too soon I guess. The zoloft kicked in, and now I pretty much only view my ex as just a friend, I no longer think about her for hours on end which is great. I finally found the strengh to let go, after the meds finally relaxed my thinking after several years of torment. I feel great right now. I'm applying for jobs, I started running again, and I'm feeling more confident then i have ever in my life. I finally feel, like I'm a worthy human being, I basically felt like a nothing before, and now I finally feel like i can interact with women without having a panic attack and shying away before anything can happen. Yay, I am going back to college next year, I got a 3.41 my first year there. I'm going to be living with people who I am going to like being around this year, which will be great. I've decreased the amount i bite my nails, my head has finally become clearer, my parents are giving me great advice...my friends might be throwing me a birthday party (it might be at my ex's house, but like I said, I finally found the ability to get over her, so I view it as just visiting a friend). my doctor even dropped all that crap I was talking about before, he was actually pretty suprised at my turn around. one of my friends said zoloft is a heck of drug, I didn't believe her until now. Life seems to be going good right now for once. I told all my friends though, that if I relapse to just tell me to stop talking about my ex lol. but like I said, me and my ex still talk and ocassionally see each other, but I think now I'm going to stop longing after her. Plus, I think I will have a exponentially easier time finding my second girlfriend at college now. turning 20 might be the best period in my life.... :)
blondie79
05-27-2005, 07:45 PM
Worrywort,
I'm so happy for you! :bouncing: Going back to school and running are great things to focus on. Best of luck meeting your goals...I think 20 will be a wonderful year for you too! :angel:
Blondie
I'm so happy for you! :bouncing: Going back to school and running are great things to focus on. Best of luck meeting your goals...I think 20 will be a wonderful year for you too! :angel:
Blondie
Blue102
05-27-2005, 08:21 PM
Good to hear you're feeling better. If she plays with you like that, joking about 'how far would you go'--if she dumped you for not making a move on her---she doesn't sound worth it at all! Your therapist sounds like a flake too. I wish Zoloft worked that well for me. What dosage are you on?
worrywort91
05-28-2005, 01:57 AM
I'm on 50 mg. I think it's working so well for me is because my main problem was i always had such a incredibly low opinion of myself. I'd think I was nothing or that since I was getting worried over everything i must be nuts or something similar. Zoloft made me feel just better about myself for once, and that jump started my confidence, which had been nonexistent for a few years. I don't know how long this affect will last, for awhile, my doctor i think is going to keep me on zoloft for the year, which should be good. My parents are paying for it, they are really glad I'm finally feeling better. I still tend to sleep in really late, but I think I might get into doing some volunteer work now if I can't get a job right now, all I know is thank god for scholarships. So I'm going to try and stay happy, I'm thinking positive. Me and my ex (former kinda sorta girlfriend as we once refered to each other), or should I say friend, don't really have time to interact much, she works alot and is taking a summer college class right now. Plus, she's not on IM much anymore, She's not a bad person...I mean she could have had taken my obsession in a much worse light, she never viewed me in the creepy stalkeresque type of way...more as just a confused guy who couldn't get over his first love. her sense of humor also is a quite sarcastic, and in my kind of odd crazy state i realize I took everything she'd say way too seriously. But, I will try and move on this year at college, I don't know if I'll find someone right away, but I think I'm gonna try and just hook up with a fellow oddball- I like slightly off kilter people, and my friends always laugh when I say that. But, I know in my heart, that i'd never be able to date the so called really hot chicks, they are not my style. I for some reason love tomboys and really shy girls (who might be possibly quirky). I have an odd taste in women, but I think I'll be able to get over being single, and hopefully get more confident interacting with females.
My therapist isn't that good, and I'm going to see him now mainly on just a two week basis if that...I'm probably just gonna talk to my regular doctor (since he seemed nicer and offered me good common sense), even my dad gave me his advice for an hour (which was hilarious...it went like...just get over this girl...hook with a hot chick...look how dorky I was and look how hot your mom was...it can happen...and don't shy away so much...chicks dig confident guys ect.). Plus this whole situation is all out in the open, all my friends know i loved this girl to death, and they tried to convince me otherwise, but at the time i couldn't bear not talking to her, all my friends now know I'm on zoloft...they are all cool with it. They know i'll still be me...so in th end things seem to be going better...I hope my birthday goes well...l'll drop by this site occasionally as usual...you people are so supportive and nice :)
My therapist isn't that good, and I'm going to see him now mainly on just a two week basis if that...I'm probably just gonna talk to my regular doctor (since he seemed nicer and offered me good common sense), even my dad gave me his advice for an hour (which was hilarious...it went like...just get over this girl...hook with a hot chick...look how dorky I was and look how hot your mom was...it can happen...and don't shy away so much...chicks dig confident guys ect.). Plus this whole situation is all out in the open, all my friends know i loved this girl to death, and they tried to convince me otherwise, but at the time i couldn't bear not talking to her, all my friends now know I'm on zoloft...they are all cool with it. They know i'll still be me...so in th end things seem to be going better...I hope my birthday goes well...l'll drop by this site occasionally as usual...you people are so supportive and nice :)
Blue102
05-28-2005, 06:09 PM
I think it's working so well for me is because my main problem was i always had such a incredibly low opinion of myself.You seem to be a little down on yourself! You'll hear time and time again that you can't have a healthy relationship unless you're happy with yourself first. That is so true. Don't take this in a mean way, but when you get a little older with more life experience, and start realizing that your happiness and self-esteem shouldn't (and can't) come from one other person, then things will be easier for you. First love breakups are hard, because you're trying to define yourself by this other person's opinion of you. I know, I've been there!
I have an odd taste in women, but I think I'll be able to get over being single, and hopefully get more confident interacting with females.That's cool (we're ALL a little weird, you'll find out), but watch out that you aren't attracted to certain girls just because you don't feel intimidated by them. Sometimes people who are a bit insecure go for others who have problems too. Don't do that! If you are happy with who you are, you'll be able to have a relationship with any girl, including the so-called 'hot' ones. Don't ever sell yourself short or be intimidated by anyone. Anyway, with more experience and self-assurance, you'll wonder why you ever stressed about about this stuff. It's all part of growing up (cheesy but true!) :wave:
I have an odd taste in women, but I think I'll be able to get over being single, and hopefully get more confident interacting with females.That's cool (we're ALL a little weird, you'll find out), but watch out that you aren't attracted to certain girls just because you don't feel intimidated by them. Sometimes people who are a bit insecure go for others who have problems too. Don't do that! If you are happy with who you are, you'll be able to have a relationship with any girl, including the so-called 'hot' ones. Don't ever sell yourself short or be intimidated by anyone. Anyway, with more experience and self-assurance, you'll wonder why you ever stressed about about this stuff. It's all part of growing up (cheesy but true!) :wave:
worrywort91
05-28-2005, 09:58 PM
good points, I do tend to sell myself short pretty much all the time, I got picked on alot in elementary school and middle school, almost like everyday. I got over it abit somewhat in highschool, but then after i got dumped I went kinda nutty, and I still am sadly. Today, the zoloft doesn't seem to be working quite as good lol. I have a tendency to get emotional over music even, which almost happened today, cursed garden state soundtrack. Plus, it takes me forever to ask girls out, like months, cause i constantly doubt myself, and when i go out with them I usually either get paralyzed by my nerves and feel like running away, or I start to shake like, otherwise I end up trying to hard to seem confident then I end up saying something that weirds them out. I've really gotten myself out of the loop with my friends back at home, I feel so distant now, my friends know I'm uber ocd over this girl, so they like to rib me about it, and or just tell that I'm being stupid for liking her still. Whenever I feel like I'm over her, the feeling always comes back, I can't seem to surpress it. My therapist has said I should be taking I think celexia and maybe lovax, I think. I don't feel quite as down as I used too, but it seems that zolofts effects vary from day to day...I need to get out more...sadly I fear driving with a passion...so I only have a bike lol. I just realized, that this post has been very self depricating, I think I've just been leaning on that too much as a crutch. Like, misery loves company or smething similar. TTYL...hopefully I can rebound tomorrow
Blue102
05-28-2005, 11:21 PM
You'll be fine. Just chill! Keep me posted, OK? :)
worrywort91
05-29-2005, 09:52 PM
I'm doing better today...but just a quick question...if you take zoloft without drinking water with it while taking it, can it not be as effective? Because for the past 2 days I have only just been taking the pill itself, with no food or water, and I was wondering if that might cause the pill to be less effective? My mom said i should take it with water, yet I'm just curious.
Blue102
05-30-2005, 02:09 PM
Hm, I don't know. I don't see how it would make a difference in effectiveness. But try not to depend so much on the Zoloft. The drug just helps you feel a little better so that you will be able to tackle your own problems. It's not a magic pill.
worrywort91
05-30-2005, 09:55 PM
I just over-react. As my friends say, I pretty much am either always complaining or apologizing, or worrying about something. I just need to chill out they say, and that my ocd type behavior and worrying should be no excuse for acting the way i do. I don't blame them, I just try to think more positivly yet i always end taking the jokes they say as being absolutely seriously. Like someone could call me stupid just as a passing remark and I'd obsess about if for hours thinking I was a horrible idiot. I can't take a joke, especially when my friends joke about my nervousness or about how obsessed I am still over my ex. I just went out with my friends and my ex (that term seems kinda rude now that i think about it, former girlfriend sounds less drastic) to meijer. they joked about how they;'d have to put me on a leash, and that my former girlfriend would be in control of the tazer.
I think I'm super paraniod because I always sense harmless jokes are some huge swipe against me. I'm feeling worried enough talking about this stuff here, i'm afraid she might read it, of course her and all my friends now about it, it's not a secrewt anymore. I might be meeting up with them again tonight, for a birthday type celebration. Of course, now I'm starting to worry about getting older, yeah 20..how old...oy. I keep telling myself I just need to find someone new, but then I think if I find someone new I'll do the same thing I've done to my former girlfriend, namely obsess over them if we ever break up.
That makes me think i don't deserve to find someone else, but then I wonder why am i still obsessing over this other girl then, I should just stick with being a loner, it's probably for the...ok i just realized I was getting extremely self depricating again. see whenever anyone tells me that things will be better in the end or things will be great if i just let go, I always think "yeah awesome!" at first but then...I get like my inner conscience and inner thought processes telling me that I am a freaking horrible human being, and that I should never be happy, and that I'm a whuss for taking pills, and that all my friends think I'm a weakling for taking pills just to feel ok, and that i should just accept my self made hellish vision of myself, and just get ready to curl up and die when i'm 75. wow...yeah I still got issues...damn it...I need more therapy...
I know people say talking about their problems is a good thing. But I've talked to so many people about my problems, and nothing seems to work. I'm beginning to think I feed off of feeling depressed, and that i might just be thinking all this stuff just in some subconcious attempt at gaining attention, and thus making myself feel more important. Of couse, I've been told by a few people that no amount of fake pity can help you, and I'm starting to think I really am a horrible person...like I occasionally think about yelling at my ex but then I realize I'm at 10 times more fault then she is. In a normal relationship things change, breakups happen, I don't think I can get over that fact, they i keep wishing life could be perfect even though I know its far from it. I am boggling my own mind....and I think I might honestly not want to be saved, i don't know, I've gotten so used to feeling this way over the years, I don't know how I'd be without it. Am I making any sense at all? sorry...I know there are people on this board with far greater problems then mine, I might be over sensationalizing my own poblems.
I think I'm super paraniod because I always sense harmless jokes are some huge swipe against me. I'm feeling worried enough talking about this stuff here, i'm afraid she might read it, of course her and all my friends now about it, it's not a secrewt anymore. I might be meeting up with them again tonight, for a birthday type celebration. Of course, now I'm starting to worry about getting older, yeah 20..how old...oy. I keep telling myself I just need to find someone new, but then I think if I find someone new I'll do the same thing I've done to my former girlfriend, namely obsess over them if we ever break up.
That makes me think i don't deserve to find someone else, but then I wonder why am i still obsessing over this other girl then, I should just stick with being a loner, it's probably for the...ok i just realized I was getting extremely self depricating again. see whenever anyone tells me that things will be better in the end or things will be great if i just let go, I always think "yeah awesome!" at first but then...I get like my inner conscience and inner thought processes telling me that I am a freaking horrible human being, and that I should never be happy, and that I'm a whuss for taking pills, and that all my friends think I'm a weakling for taking pills just to feel ok, and that i should just accept my self made hellish vision of myself, and just get ready to curl up and die when i'm 75. wow...yeah I still got issues...damn it...I need more therapy...
I know people say talking about their problems is a good thing. But I've talked to so many people about my problems, and nothing seems to work. I'm beginning to think I feed off of feeling depressed, and that i might just be thinking all this stuff just in some subconcious attempt at gaining attention, and thus making myself feel more important. Of couse, I've been told by a few people that no amount of fake pity can help you, and I'm starting to think I really am a horrible person...like I occasionally think about yelling at my ex but then I realize I'm at 10 times more fault then she is. In a normal relationship things change, breakups happen, I don't think I can get over that fact, they i keep wishing life could be perfect even though I know its far from it. I am boggling my own mind....and I think I might honestly not want to be saved, i don't know, I've gotten so used to feeling this way over the years, I don't know how I'd be without it. Am I making any sense at all? sorry...I know there are people on this board with far greater problems then mine, I might be over sensationalizing my own poblems.
burninator
05-31-2005, 06:23 AM
If your friends are still planning your bday party at the ex's house, I would ask for a change of venue. Sounds like you are making progress, but I would steer clear of her for a while. I know what it's like to think you are over someone, and then, after a couple of drinks or whatever, maybe she winks at you in flirty kind of way, you see her flirting with some guy....if you're in just a little bit of an off-mood, it can wreck your whole day. Keep your distance, seriously. Ever thought about internet dating? I know about 20 people that met their significant others online. It's great if you are shy too, because you can establish a rapport with someone b4 you sit down face to face. Take care.
B.
B.
Blue102
05-31-2005, 12:31 PM
You're just like me! You think WAAAAY too much, and you're dramatic, and you create problems that aren't there. I haven't decided if talking about things is really the best therapy for people like us. I can talk and talk all day long, but it just annoys people, and I get obsessed. I get completely wrapped up in my own dramas. I used to keep a journal, and that helped, except that I was spending hours a day in the darn journal. So, maybe you just need to get busy doing something else. Do you have a hobby or something? I know that sounds so cheesy. But it's true when people say "get a life." When you have too much time on your hands, you start obsessing over things that don't really matter.
You're in school, right? I don't want to ask how you're doing in school, but obsessing over grades is a healthy thing to do. Obsess over yourself. By that I mean, use your time thinking about how you're going to feel better about yourself...exercising, grades, etc. From your posts it sounds like you care a lot what other people think of you. That's me all the way. I'm still working on how to overcome that, but it really helps when I feel great about myself.
I don't know if this is the right advice for you...but anyway. I just wanted to give you my experience and let you know that there's someone listening. :)
You're in school, right? I don't want to ask how you're doing in school, but obsessing over grades is a healthy thing to do. Obsess over yourself. By that I mean, use your time thinking about how you're going to feel better about yourself...exercising, grades, etc. From your posts it sounds like you care a lot what other people think of you. That's me all the way. I'm still working on how to overcome that, but it really helps when I feel great about myself.
I don't know if this is the right advice for you...but anyway. I just wanted to give you my experience and let you know that there's someone listening. :)
worrywort91
05-31-2005, 05:36 PM
well my birthday party went well, we went and saw madascar, my friends though decided to blind fold me and pretended that we were going to this strip club lol, I think it was my ex's idea along with one of her friends.
after the movie we went back to my other friends house (not my ex's) and played truth or dare. I sadly ended up being the only one who got really drunk (my own fault)...my one friend kept trying to dare my ex and her friend to take their shirts off, but they both refused, he said he was trying to get them to do that cause i had never seen my ex with a shirt off lol. My one friend was like we can't ask him (me) any truth questions cause he talks to me everyday about you (my ex)...and everyone else knows...so I got stuck mainly doing dares (I did tell the two girls there that if they wanted to see me naked, I'd gladly do it for free, cursed drunken ness, and they just made eww faces and said no way). It was a fun night...but I ended up worrying again this time with a severe drunken headache and my first case of the spins. I had dreams about my ex even now, were I either say all the right things or muck up horribly...bleh. see most of my friends haven't had sex either, some haven't gotten to second base yet even too (my ex included)...I just keep thinking that with them they obviously are thinking about things in a much more postive manor then myself, cause they always tell me to buck up and not worry so much and that I'm not the only one and that i should feel good i at least went on the 4 dates with this one girl I'm still obsessed over. they tell me I'm just a rare type of guy, super sensitive...yet I like horror movies and heavy metal go figure lol, and that I will find some odd quirky girl who is equally nervous and ocd like too, I just can't see it happening, it's like a neverending cycle of slight hope and then extreme depression.
As far as hobbies go, I enjoy riding my bike around alot, and running, and playing video games and whatnot, I enjoy theatre (but all the theatre shows this year were cancelled this summer) seeing movies and whatnot. I can't seem to find a job, I've applied to 7 places so far, I need to apply to more.
I don't think i'd ever be willing to do internet dating, I am just odd when it comes to dating, like I've only been on 7 dates total about in my whole life...and I can't picture myself doing anything too risky,,,I like to play things safe.
All right I'm gonna take a slight break for maybe a few days, my posts here are longer then the one's I put in my live journal ahh. :wave:
after the movie we went back to my other friends house (not my ex's) and played truth or dare. I sadly ended up being the only one who got really drunk (my own fault)...my one friend kept trying to dare my ex and her friend to take their shirts off, but they both refused, he said he was trying to get them to do that cause i had never seen my ex with a shirt off lol. My one friend was like we can't ask him (me) any truth questions cause he talks to me everyday about you (my ex)...and everyone else knows...so I got stuck mainly doing dares (I did tell the two girls there that if they wanted to see me naked, I'd gladly do it for free, cursed drunken ness, and they just made eww faces and said no way). It was a fun night...but I ended up worrying again this time with a severe drunken headache and my first case of the spins. I had dreams about my ex even now, were I either say all the right things or muck up horribly...bleh. see most of my friends haven't had sex either, some haven't gotten to second base yet even too (my ex included)...I just keep thinking that with them they obviously are thinking about things in a much more postive manor then myself, cause they always tell me to buck up and not worry so much and that I'm not the only one and that i should feel good i at least went on the 4 dates with this one girl I'm still obsessed over. they tell me I'm just a rare type of guy, super sensitive...yet I like horror movies and heavy metal go figure lol, and that I will find some odd quirky girl who is equally nervous and ocd like too, I just can't see it happening, it's like a neverending cycle of slight hope and then extreme depression.
As far as hobbies go, I enjoy riding my bike around alot, and running, and playing video games and whatnot, I enjoy theatre (but all the theatre shows this year were cancelled this summer) seeing movies and whatnot. I can't seem to find a job, I've applied to 7 places so far, I need to apply to more.
I don't think i'd ever be willing to do internet dating, I am just odd when it comes to dating, like I've only been on 7 dates total about in my whole life...and I can't picture myself doing anything too risky,,,I like to play things safe.
All right I'm gonna take a slight break for maybe a few days, my posts here are longer then the one's I put in my live journal ahh. :wave:
burninator
05-31-2005, 10:19 PM
That's the brilliant thing about internet dating, it's so non-confrontational. Granted there is a stigma attatched to it. I didn't get on a hilltop and announce to all my friends that I met my date on the internet. But it is a nice way to weed through the flakes and meet people that are interested in an actual relationship.