Starting out my freshman year in high school, i weighed 125, i was a size 0, i was happy, i didn't know what a calorie was...my life was focused on more than just food. Then, towards the end of freshman year, i jumped about 15 pounds, i was depressed, i was feeling out of my skin, i had stretch marks... i didn't know what to do. So, I joined Cross country, because I at least knew that the more you excersised the better you felt and the thinner you became. I fell back down to 130. But, that was through bouts of Bulimia, anorexia, and compulsive eating. I didn't care how I lost the weight, just that I did. The rest of my sophmore year has consisted of trying to get to 125 again, but never actually getting there, and stress of training with running caused me to over eat for a period of about 3 months. Now, weighing 140, my highest ever, i'm so self concious i won't go out on weekends that i feel to fat, I'm so depressed i won't step foot in a shopping mall, I go on diets, actually healthy diets because now i know how much eating disorders screw up your metabolism, but they have never lasted more than a week. By friday, i'll eat junk or over eat and end up in the bathroom secretly crying and purging. I'm so tired of this, i hate it, i want to be normal. I want to lose weight, but not the bad way. My life is focused on food, and i hate it. I lost 5 pounds in one week through intense excersise and food restriction, but then i got sick and i shot up to 140 again. i hate this, i want to stop. someone please help me, whats wrong with me?I want to be skinny or at least back to 130, but how to i get there???

AWw i know the feeling. you try soo hard to be healthy and to eat right, but its just so hard sometimes to be healthy. But the truth is you are never going to be happy with your body until you are happy with ur self. i know u think that losing the weight will make you happy but trust me, its not as satisfying as u think. there are deeper issues there which is making you go to the bathroom and purge everytime you feel like the lost control of ur eating. Have you ever thought or seeing a counselor? i cant talk much because i cant bring myself to see one either. We all here are supportive of you and recovery but i would post in the weight loss board for tips because any postings here could be triggering to some. Im here to talk whenever you need someone!!
liza

Your responce made me laugh a little. Not in a funny way, but in a way that your story is very similar to mine! So heres mine...Freshman year I was 5'2'' and around 133 lbs. Im a ball of muscle because I play soccer ALL the time, so 133 for me was mostly muscle. But I deffinitly could loose a few lbs. At the end of my freshman year I think I gained around 10-15 lbs but I still didnt care. Because just like you, to me, if you exercised more, you were happier and skinnier. And if you ate a fruit instead of a candybar, you would loose weight! So sophmore year I stayed in the year at around 139ish. (still 5'2''). During early spring I decited to loose weight and went down to 125. Much better! But along the way I went phyco about calories, food, dieting, the way I looked, and weighing myself constantly. I'm still looking to loose about 5-6 more lbs, but its hard to do when food and dieting rule your life. I've been getting a little better but its still a problem. Mabye we can talk and discuss this!

I totally understand. I have been battling bulimia for 10 years now. Just last year, I began eating more healthy and realized that i want to live a normal life and not have my whole focus be on food. I'm 5'8" and 165, try looking at thos numbers on the scale. I also exercise a lot and am muscular as well as a pretty large frame, but I constantly compare myself to those that are half my size. As many times as I tell myself, "Oh, I'm built bigger than them", it doesn't matter. I constantly feel bad about myself and hate the way I look. Even when i was at my lowest weight of 138 and bingeing/purging daily though, I wasn't ahppy with myself or thought I looked good. You do have to accept yourself for who you are.
My current issue is that I am struggling with eating healthy and battle daily with overindulging in the carbs.
Any suggestions?

I can also sympathise as im similar to you and am at a loss. Food and weight controls my life and i hate it im so tired of it all and even when i was much slimmer to the point of skinny i still wasnt happy with my body although i know that if i could just lose a stone now it would make me feel alot better as i hate the way i look and just cannot accept it as its holding me back from so much. I just often wish i could shut myself away. So your not alone. Do try and talk to someone about it as i know i wouldn't wish the way i feel on anyone else so if you could try and talk to someone to getting some help its the first positive step. Easier said than done i know. But do try. Warm thoughts to you.

hey gurls...i know what ur talkin about. i naturally have a bigger frame and i just dont ike it. my face is rounder than my friends so i feel fatter than them when i smile everytime, i hate it!!

I can relate to you. I began the cycle of dieting in 8th grade and continued throughout high school to go through periods where I would diet and restrict, and then "fall off the bandwagon" and binge and eat everything in site.. Only recently, this year, as a 19 yr old, have I realized that I do have a major problem.. this kind of illness may not be annorexia or bulimia, but it is just as miserable.. These past few months have been days of trying to eat healthy, but ending up eating until my stomach hurts and being plagued by shame and guilt... I would not traditionally be viewed as overweight, but this horrible cycle tortures me as all I can think about is being skinnier (which will make me so much happier, or so I think), and about weight and food.. I daydream about snickers bars..its sick. Today i bought some books about food addiction, compulsive overeating and binge eating..As i scoured the self help/recovery section in the bookstore, I was amazed at how many books covered this topic.. we're not alone, and you dont have to be obese to have this problem but I suggest you pick up a book or head to a therapist because hopefully we can free ourselves from this obsession with food and weight that has taken over our lives and left us feeling shameful and guilty and anxious.

I really want to put a end to it and to be able to feel happy but i cant see a way out at the mo. i want to go to my Dr and ask for help but to actually do it is hard. im tired of feeling down all the time.

Yah I agree with you all. Getting a book is good. I bought one but I don't really think it worked. It did make me think about things. It made me put bingeing as a cycle, and sometimes when I think of it as that, I wont binge! I suggest that buying curbing appitite tea is a good idea. I drink it once a day and it wont make me hungry. That helps because if you dont feel hungry you dont think about food AS much. Its called Yogi Fasting Tea! Its in the organic sections of your market.

but the solution to binge eating isnt just changing the way you eat.. its to figure out what feelings, emotions, and inner secrets are driving you to eat compulsively and could be driving you in many other ways... You can go without binging for a long time but until you really address the core issues, you will relapse... so remember its not just about getting food under control or getting weight under control its about figuring out where the hell all this crap is coming from! good luck, im still trying to figure it out..

but the solution to binge eating isnt just changing the way you eat.. its to figure out what feelings, emotions, and inner secrets are driving you to eat compulsively and could be driving you in many other ways... You can go without binging for a long time but until you really address the core issues, you will relapse... so remember its not just about getting food under control or getting weight under control its about figuring out where the hell all this crap is coming from! good luck, im still trying to figure it out..


Well said!! :) If only society would see it this way, then maybe ED's would be taken more seriously.

I totally understand Sammy T. I have a bigger/more muscular frame than many other women, so I think. I've been doing lots of reading on this as an attempt to not feel so bad about myself. To my relief an article said that an hourglass shape such as myself can and should carry more weight. Though I read that, it still doesn't make me feel any better. Also, i just recently got my hair cut much shorter (8 inches) than I orginally had it and even though the style is cute, some pictures I take now, I feel that my face is huge. Before when my hair was really long, I was able to have it away from my face and you know the drill. Many of my friends are naturally thin as you would call it and I always feel twice their size in pictures which often causes me to avoid them all together. Yesterday we just had some developed and when I tell my fiance, look how fat my face looks, he just looks at me like I'm silly and always says don't worry about it. As I'm writing this, i'm thinking to myself how absurd it sounds.After being in a committed relationship for 2 years and having him almost fully understand where I'm coming from, I know that I want to live a healthy life and don't want to cause any more complications than I may already have.
--As I am on the road to recovery, just to let everyone know, last night I had what I would call a mini-binge and I actually talked myself into keeping it down. Though I feel extremely guilty for eating it today, I'm proud of myself for not.

Hey. I'm not actually fat or anything and I know I'm not. I'm 5' 4" and I weigh between 103 and 108. I know I sound really underweight but I'm only 13 and I'm flat-chested. I'm probably average weight and so are my friends yet most of us are a little bit anorexic. Not severely and I'm not so far into that I couldn't eat if I wanted to but I want to lose a little bit of the pudge around my belly-button. I don't think that it will effect any of you guys as long as you know your limits. When you reach your goal wieght, start eating again but not BigMacs. All of you are saying the same thing: you develope an eating disorder and when you reach your goal, you start back on your old diet and gain the weight back. Eat more healthy foods like salads and things with less calories and everything will work out.