frozeninside
05-23-2005, 01:24 AM
I have this problem where I become very attached to and possessive of certain people. Example:After going through cancer surgery and treatment, I returned to college. I signed up for this literature class at the last minute, not knowing anything about the professor. From the minute she walked into the class, I just knew this was someone I connected with. Even in the midst of severe depression where I didn't even get out of bed for class, I went to hers every time, and participated. She made me love reading all over again. Outside of class, she was always willing to listen to me, and didn't seem to care that I was too overcome with anxiety half the time to even express myself. She just listened. She would share with me some of the darkest times in her life where she cried every day. She said that she learned to turn everything that symbolized her pain into beauty by releasing it into a river one day. (wahhh I need to stop gushing now) Anyway, towards the end of the semester I felt the need (stupid me) to write her this really long e-mail thank you letter which pretty much spilled out my entire soul. By saying this I don't mean I confessed any deep lesbian desires or anything, because I'm not! Even though she is a dead ringer for my fave actress Nicole Kidman, but anyway...it's been 7 months since she hugged me goodbye and I left campus to take the semester off. I have not heard a word from her since. This is tormenting me. I am so afraid that I terrified this woman into thinking that I'm some obsessed-psycho-stalker-freak. I just got the impression that she really truly cared about me and understood me, but I'm beginning to think it was just wishful thinking on my part. I miss her so much, and sometimes I just cry because I have no one to turn to like I could to her. Did I do something wrong? I wish I wouldn't get myself into these kind of situations. Isn't it just better not too build relationships with people?? I think I'm just too much for people to handle with all of my quirks and complexities. I'm clearly just a burden. Moving onto the possessive aspect, I was talking to my old roommate who told me her friend lived with this professor as their nanny one summer. Let's just say I became insanely jealous, and instantly hated this girl. How sick and twisted is that????!! Is this type of thing something anyone else struggles with or am I just a complete freak?? :( Thanks for reading all of the gushiness, I just had to get it out...
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frozeninside
05-24-2005, 12:10 PM
Anyone?? Someone?? I knew I was strange... :( Why me...
woodfaery
05-24-2005, 01:11 PM
Hi I just read your post. It sounds like you had a connection to this teacher and it sounds like she was very nice. At the same time, anyone who knows professors knows that they have many students and that when they are done with the semester they are no longer at work nor want to think about it. They are enjoying their personal time with their friends and family as well as letting go of the past semester. You are not the only one who has felt a connection with another person, people connect every day. Perhaps you could allow yourself to start making new friends and go from there? If you are to hold onto the feeling of wanting to stay in this teachers life--you may scare her with obsession. Take a look deeply at your feelings, and ask yourself how important it is to know this person. Is this a way of avoiding knowing yourself? As well as being honest with yourself and your emotions and actions? Take a step back, and then introspect. You will find that this teacher was a good teacher, and she did her job well. You can carry her memory with you and know that she made a difference in your life, and was one of the best teachers you ever had.
Be gentle with yourself and look at the big picture.
WF
Be gentle with yourself and look at the big picture.
WF
In a tree
05-24-2005, 02:04 PM
As a student myself, I find that most professors keep a professional distance from the students. Cutting up before class and such is fine, because they have to be nice, but this is their job and they don't want to lose it. Too many people may take being nice too far and then scream harassment. I am sure some teachers feel connected to certain students but they only have them for a semester and then it is on to a new class. It would be difficult to form a close friendship with all of the student who show friendship potential. You are not weird. Others have felt these feelings too. Next time however, I would refrain from sending an e-mail and keep my feelings inside due to the bad feelings of doubt that crop up later. I am sure you are not the first student to ever do something like this.