I have come to the conclusion that this stupid ED is not a friend, its an enemy. Its not trying to help me, its trying to kill me. Its taken my health, my hair, my family, my friends and i have done nothing to stop it. It almost feels like a trade off with the devil... its like hey ill make you so skinny, you just have to follow by the rules. its so ironic how its suppose to be all about control, but in the end you have NO control, you have nothing but literally the bones on your back. Thanks everyone for listening. hope everyone else is doing ok
liza

I have come to the conclusion that this stupid ED is not a friend, its an enemy. Its not trying to help me, its trying to kill me. Its taken my health, my hair, my family, my friends and i have done nothing to stop it. It almost feels like a trade off with the devil... its like hey ill make you so skinny, you just have to follow by the rules. its so ironic how its suppose to be all about control, but in the end you have NO control, you have nothing but literally the bones on your back. Thanks everyone for listening. hope everyone else is doing ok
liza

Oh God do I feel the same way. Stay strong honey Xx

o liza! i have seen so many of ur posts and we have bonded thru this ED like nothing else! i know ur a strong gurl and i know u will pull thru....u now know its not good, u now kno its the enemy..now u must fight it and gurl u got the courage and u got the wits and strength. i know u can do it!:) and mothtoaflame, if u feel the same way, i know u can beat it 2!:):)

stay strong hunnies!

Thanks guys for the replies. I just get so frustrated because i will do so good for a couple of days and feel so good about recovery and then bam.... lets just say today was an extremellly bbaaaaadddd day. I hit one of my lowest. But i am going to take this feeling that i have right now and remember it because i never want to feel like this again. Thanks again mothtoaflame and sammyt for the encouraging words, its so nice to have people that can relate.

Hi Liza
I just wanted to say that you made a whole lot of sense in your post and talking about your ED not being a friend. Especially the part about the control. Isn't it so true that when we strive so much for control with the ED that it gets out of control! God that is incredibly true. I guess the big question is, why the hell do we do it? But nobody has just one answer to that one. It's a million different things and different for everyone.
I really hear ya when you say you are frustrated. An ED is a monster and it takes over everything. There are the good days and the BAD days, as you know. But you are a strong person (as a lot of people have already said) and if you can hold onto the feelings you are experiencing and put them towards recovery that would be great. And of course add our support in there with it!
Hang in there
Lauren

Thanks Lauren,
Its just I tried, ya know? I have been trying to be healthy and eat regular meals. But this morning, i went 2 eat a bowl of cereal and an apple, and all of a sudden something came over me and i cound not stop eating. I wasnt hungry but i kept binging. It was an awful experience that pretty much lasted all day and just left me feeling like i literally had no control. Why can't i just eat normal! I either eat nothing,(like my plans are for tommorrow to compensate) or eat everything. UGGhhh. You are right it is a monster. There are so many of us suffering, thanks so much for ur support and as you have been there for me, remember i am always here to talk as well!
liza

I have come to the conclusion that this stupid ED is not a friend, its an enemy. Its not trying to help me, its trying to kill me. Its taken my health, my hair, my family, my friends and i have done nothing to stop it. It almost feels like a trade off with the devil... its like hey ill make you so skinny, you just have to follow by the rules. its so ironic how its suppose to be all about control, but in the end you have NO control, you have nothing but literally the bones on your back. Thanks everyone for listening. hope everyone else is doing ok
liza

OH MY GOSH! :eek: you read my mind! you just THINK you have control but in fact you don't, your ED does, on another forum i have the name of BanAna, i'm still very very much struggling, but i am trying to recover! Good luck to you and everyone else too! :bouncing:

{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}} I know how you feel about it being the enemy i want to have control over my eating again because i feel like i have none left. i have heard some people say they have an eating disorder because it gives them some control in there life but i think i eventually take control of you.

hey gurls...u know what i felt helped me? well...in somewhat of a way..it made me feel stronger neways. i literally went outside when noeone was around and screamed. i just screamed. i yelled out loud "bulimia i have control not u!" and stuff like that. it felt really really good...just make shure noeone is around. then when i was done my rant i never had the urge to binge or nething and i kept my food down for the rest of the day. weird and phycotic it may sound but it helped.

sha-sha
I know how you feel. I didnt realize how much this really is a disease. My mind has become totally distorted from all of this. I dont even know what normal eating is anymore.
Bjd
I know what you mean about the control thing. Before i started my eating disorder i gained about twenty pounds and it kept creeping up and i remember thinking... i have no control over my weight! Then i started to be able to control it... and now it controls me. I feel like i need help or else its going to live iwth me forever. Does anyone know any good books or anything?
Sammy
Its funny you said that becaues whenever me and my girlfriends are mad or frustrated with guys or something, we will get in my car, go for a road trip and yell random things out the window. Its kinda funny but it also helps relieve some tension!
Thanks everyone for your replies and remember we can fight this!\

Hey Liza!

Hows it goin? Overcoming binge eating is a brilliant book. It is good for any kind of eating disorder with details on each one, reasons behind it all, food diaries n stuff n the second half is a self help section. Its written by Dr Fairburn. My GP recommended it to me and so did my counsellor. The first half made me feel better immediately coz i cudve written it myself. It made me realise that a lot of stuff i thought was just totally unique to me n nothin to do with my bulimia actually is.

Suzanne
xx

Thanks so much suzanne i am definetly going to go buy the book. I hate the books that pretty much just tell you all the physchological things about eating disorders and not the real stories. those kind of books just make me feel like a case study. How have you been? i hope you are doing better than me, its been pretty difficult this last month. Let me know any updates!
liza

hehe yah, we also would do that...or yelling in a pillow? yea, im famous for that. so liza, how u doin today? actually, how is everybody doin today?

Im doing ok, eating alot more lately with out completly binging which is good, how about you sammy?
oh by the way suzanne i bought the book! i will let you knwo how it is working out for me, thanks again.