sgibson
05-24-2005, 11:03 PM
I guess this is going to be more like a blog than a normal post. Today while looking at my son's new yearbook, I was abhorred by a photograph of his principal in a "fat suit" of a sumu wrestler. It wasn't that it was a fat suit, or a sumu wrestler but because it had breasts drawn on it. It was a halloween costume and all the children found it extremely funny. I found it offensive. Well I made the comment that I wasn't going to stand for that. I kind of have a history of challenging things in the school system that I don't find appropriate. Just 2 weeks ago I balked at my son being given after school detention for defending himself when 2 bullies jumped him. I wrote them a letter telling them that they better not keep my son after school unless they were planning on bringing him home. I also told them that if my son was hurt by being jumped by 2 bullies at one time I would hold the school system responsible and I would not let it go unpunished. Needless to say, my son was not given detention. Ok, back to the part about him being embarrassed. So, my son knows I'm planning on voicing my opinion about this photograph. He says "mom, all the kids thought it was funny and if you say something, they are going to be angry at me". I said, "son, this doesn't have anything to do with you, it has to do with what is appropriate", well he then says that his best friend in his class (his first cousin) has said "at least my mom can get up and go do things, your mom doesn't do anything but sit in a recliner all day". I cannot tell you how this made me feel. Anyone that knows me knows that I don't play around when it comes to my kids. I am very protective of them and I am their greatest advocate. I don't mess around when it comes to their education either. My son is ADHD and OCD. He has also been tested as a genius on the IQ testing. He is especially gifted in the coding section. (It would include mathmatical and coding and drafting). Well, he has a IEP (Individual Education Plan) in place but I have to make sure it is enforced. I won't get into the details of that. It's just that I love my kids more than my life and I cannot stand the thought of them being embarrassed by me. I have always been their greatest advocate. They used to be proud of me. Don't get me wrong, I know my son loves me tremendously, but tonight was the first time I really got that he might be embarrassed by me. What do I do? How can I go about changing that image. I'm not able to get out and do the things we used to do. What's really aggravating is that last summer I took that boy to the club and lake swimming every time we went. In fact, at the club and the lake they thought he was one of my children. He has the same last name and was always with me. Now he is saying hurtful things about me to my son. I don't know whether to talk to his parents about it or what to do. This kid spends a tremendous amount of time at my home. His parents drop him off at my house every morning and my husband comes and takes them all to the bus stop. I know kids will be kids and say stupid stuff, but this really cut my son to the core so to speak. And, in all honesty, it has cut me to the core also. I know some of you have children in the same age ranges as mine. How do you deal with it? My kids are 14( Will be 15 in August), 11 ( will be 12 in Nov), and just turned 7 on the 21st of this month.
Sorry this was so long. I was really upset by this and guess I just needed to get it all out. Take care.
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
Sorry this was so long. I was really upset by this and guess I just needed to get it all out. Take care.
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
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CancerDad
05-25-2005, 12:24 AM
Sherry:
My two cents is that he's 11. Kids at that age are embarrassed by their parents about ANYTHING. Because you spoke the wrong thing, fixed your hair a certain way, etc. I'm guessing that you have suffered from cp for a while. Another assumption is that you HAVE INSTILLED in your children that EVERYONE is different, and that differences make us individual and interesting. I think at 11, I would probably tell him it's up to him whether he wants to make the best choice and tell this other kid what he know in his heart to be true, and risk "standing alone." I say give him that option, and he will probably surprise you. As far as having the kid at your house, I would probably pull him aside next time he's over and tell him that words can be hurtful and that you heard others in the class were making fun over things they don't understand... and can you believe that? Play it up as though you know comments were said, and that he didn't say them. Educate him the same way you educated your son. Remember, this is WHO YOU ARE right now. I wouldn't be embarrassed by it, and I would give your son the chance to stand up to ignorance the way I'm sure you have taught him to. This is what I do with my eight year old... little different scenario, but not too far off. It does work.
Best of luck,
CancerDad
My two cents is that he's 11. Kids at that age are embarrassed by their parents about ANYTHING. Because you spoke the wrong thing, fixed your hair a certain way, etc. I'm guessing that you have suffered from cp for a while. Another assumption is that you HAVE INSTILLED in your children that EVERYONE is different, and that differences make us individual and interesting. I think at 11, I would probably tell him it's up to him whether he wants to make the best choice and tell this other kid what he know in his heart to be true, and risk "standing alone." I say give him that option, and he will probably surprise you. As far as having the kid at your house, I would probably pull him aside next time he's over and tell him that words can be hurtful and that you heard others in the class were making fun over things they don't understand... and can you believe that? Play it up as though you know comments were said, and that he didn't say them. Educate him the same way you educated your son. Remember, this is WHO YOU ARE right now. I wouldn't be embarrassed by it, and I would give your son the chance to stand up to ignorance the way I'm sure you have taught him to. This is what I do with my eight year old... little different scenario, but not too far off. It does work.
Best of luck,
CancerDad
kitkat77
05-25-2005, 03:32 AM
I can assure you that your son is not embarrassed by your physical disability.
Reread what you wrote. I don't know about you but at that age about the last thing I'd ever want would be to stand out in a crowd because of my meddling mother. I don't mean to sound harsh but given the fact that you haven't even considered this option, I think a little bluntness may be necessary.
You are a devoted mother, no question. But there is a time and a place for you to voice your opinion and none of what you have done sounds appropriate.
Everyone found the photo funny, but you. There isn't anything offensive sounding about that picture -- yes sumo wrestlers have big breasts. They can't help it. They're fat. A picture of their principal wearing a fat costume with painted on boobies would drive any child to hysterics! Why YOU saw something sexual is beyond me.
I also can't believe you contacted the school to complain about their giving your son detention. Obviously you got the story from your son alone, who most definately would only lay claim to defending himself! How do you KNOW that he didn't deserve that detention? I'm sure the other kids told their parents the same thing. This is what kids do and why they ALL get detention, in accordance with the school's policy. The school dropped it most likely because of YOU, and not because they believed he was innocent. What are you teaching your son???
Equally disturbing is the fact that you are proud of the reputation you now have with the school system. I'm sure you feel as if you are contributing greatly to your children's development, but in fact you are not. You are going to destroy their social development along the way.
Which brings me to the incident itself. Your son told you point blank that if you voiced your opinion about the photo, the other children would be mad at him. He was telling you in a very nice way (your son DOES respect you) that your phone call will result in him being teased and perhaps bullied. He doesn't want to be singled out! Unfortunately you did not show any signs of caring about HIS wishes or feelings, only your own that your voice need be heard. You even went so far as to tell your son that this had nothing to do with him (um, who'd be the one to face the repercussions?) but everything to do with your own opinion. Not knowing what else to say to that but being unhappy with the situation, your son simply lashed out. It sounds like his cousin and perhaps other classmates had already been teasing him about something prior, and your son had defended you. He used that comment to hurt your feelings, the same way his were feeling hurt by yours. That's all. No doubt your son does love you tremendously STILL, but it sounds like it's time to step back.
This is just my opinion. It's always best to cover all angles. :)
P.S. I have a 10 year old son
Reread what you wrote. I don't know about you but at that age about the last thing I'd ever want would be to stand out in a crowd because of my meddling mother. I don't mean to sound harsh but given the fact that you haven't even considered this option, I think a little bluntness may be necessary.
You are a devoted mother, no question. But there is a time and a place for you to voice your opinion and none of what you have done sounds appropriate.
Everyone found the photo funny, but you. There isn't anything offensive sounding about that picture -- yes sumo wrestlers have big breasts. They can't help it. They're fat. A picture of their principal wearing a fat costume with painted on boobies would drive any child to hysterics! Why YOU saw something sexual is beyond me.
I also can't believe you contacted the school to complain about their giving your son detention. Obviously you got the story from your son alone, who most definately would only lay claim to defending himself! How do you KNOW that he didn't deserve that detention? I'm sure the other kids told their parents the same thing. This is what kids do and why they ALL get detention, in accordance with the school's policy. The school dropped it most likely because of YOU, and not because they believed he was innocent. What are you teaching your son???
Equally disturbing is the fact that you are proud of the reputation you now have with the school system. I'm sure you feel as if you are contributing greatly to your children's development, but in fact you are not. You are going to destroy their social development along the way.
Which brings me to the incident itself. Your son told you point blank that if you voiced your opinion about the photo, the other children would be mad at him. He was telling you in a very nice way (your son DOES respect you) that your phone call will result in him being teased and perhaps bullied. He doesn't want to be singled out! Unfortunately you did not show any signs of caring about HIS wishes or feelings, only your own that your voice need be heard. You even went so far as to tell your son that this had nothing to do with him (um, who'd be the one to face the repercussions?) but everything to do with your own opinion. Not knowing what else to say to that but being unhappy with the situation, your son simply lashed out. It sounds like his cousin and perhaps other classmates had already been teasing him about something prior, and your son had defended you. He used that comment to hurt your feelings, the same way his were feeling hurt by yours. That's all. No doubt your son does love you tremendously STILL, but it sounds like it's time to step back.
This is just my opinion. It's always best to cover all angles. :)
P.S. I have a 10 year old son
sgibson
05-25-2005, 11:15 PM
Cancer Dad,
Thank you for your reply. I suppose I was just having one of my woe is me days. LOL. The lovely side effects of CP and depression. Oh well, it's my lot in life. I really appreciate your words. You seem to be a sincere and well meaning person and a great asset to this board.
KitKat,
I really don't know where to start, but I will start with, yes my family members often stand alone with their beliefs. We have raised our children to stand up for their beliefs whatever they may be. We are a Christian family and we live that way. We don't just say it, we live it. I suppose maybe you inferred some things from my post that aren't exactly flattering. To clarify a little, I worked in this school system for 14 years, I know the in's and out's of all the programs. My son needed special help but did not qualify because of his IQ. The administrator and I worked TOGETHER to get him classified as OHI, which is Other Health Impaired. Now he can receive the extra help he needs to keep his grades as high as possible. (Honor Roll student). As far as me believing my son's side of the story, well yes I believe my son. I have seen parents that act like their children are angels while working in the school system, so I know what you are suggesting. I hold my children to a higher standard because they are Christians. I trust my children and they know they can come to me with any situation. My mom was the same way with me and I promised her if I ever had children, I would do my best to raise them like she raised me. I wanted them to trust me and talk to me like I did with her. Believe it or not, it is possible to have that relationship with your children.
As far as that picture, as a Christian, I found it offensive. I didn't say I was going to pickett the school with huge signs proclaiming the evil within. You see, I know the principal on a personal basis and frankly cannot believe his bad judgement.
So, as you can see, we have different perspectives and I respect your right to voice your opinion. I was the one that made the post basically opening myself up to anything. Take care.
God Bless,
Sherry
P.S. I am having computer trouble, so if it takes me a while to answer, that is the problem. I don't know what my daughter did to my laptop but now my mouse has a mind of its own. It only works for like 2 minutes every 10 minutes. Go figure.
Thank you for your reply. I suppose I was just having one of my woe is me days. LOL. The lovely side effects of CP and depression. Oh well, it's my lot in life. I really appreciate your words. You seem to be a sincere and well meaning person and a great asset to this board.
KitKat,
I really don't know where to start, but I will start with, yes my family members often stand alone with their beliefs. We have raised our children to stand up for their beliefs whatever they may be. We are a Christian family and we live that way. We don't just say it, we live it. I suppose maybe you inferred some things from my post that aren't exactly flattering. To clarify a little, I worked in this school system for 14 years, I know the in's and out's of all the programs. My son needed special help but did not qualify because of his IQ. The administrator and I worked TOGETHER to get him classified as OHI, which is Other Health Impaired. Now he can receive the extra help he needs to keep his grades as high as possible. (Honor Roll student). As far as me believing my son's side of the story, well yes I believe my son. I have seen parents that act like their children are angels while working in the school system, so I know what you are suggesting. I hold my children to a higher standard because they are Christians. I trust my children and they know they can come to me with any situation. My mom was the same way with me and I promised her if I ever had children, I would do my best to raise them like she raised me. I wanted them to trust me and talk to me like I did with her. Believe it or not, it is possible to have that relationship with your children.
As far as that picture, as a Christian, I found it offensive. I didn't say I was going to pickett the school with huge signs proclaiming the evil within. You see, I know the principal on a personal basis and frankly cannot believe his bad judgement.
So, as you can see, we have different perspectives and I respect your right to voice your opinion. I was the one that made the post basically opening myself up to anything. Take care.
God Bless,
Sherry
P.S. I am having computer trouble, so if it takes me a while to answer, that is the problem. I don't know what my daughter did to my laptop but now my mouse has a mind of its own. It only works for like 2 minutes every 10 minutes. Go figure.
trowftd3
05-26-2005, 04:10 AM
Sherry, Sherry, Sherry,
I knew we had a 'secret' kinship!!!
I, too, am an advocate for my children within the school system. I have a reputation....I am not proud of the fact that I HAVE to fight with them but I am proud of the fact that I do because so so so many parents just drop their kids off and expect the schools to babysit. Believe me, our elementary school principal desperately wishes I was one of those parents.lol
I DO wave big signs and pickett!! I belong to a group that protests No Child Left Behind and the testing overload it has brought to our state.
Yes, my children are sometimes embarassed but I am not 'destroying their social development'. I am teaching them to fight for what they believe in and not to be a future corporate drone!!! Sorry, Kitkat, just MY opinion.
I, too, worry about my children's impression of my 'disability'. I spent a year telling the kids...'I can't...my lung'. Now, with medication, I can do more but I always worry about what the kids think of me taking pills all the time. I don't want them to think there's a magic pill for everything.
Kids will always say the most hurtful thing...why do you think there are so many 'your mama' insults? As long as it's just this one kid and not the whole school I wouldn't be so worried. I'd talk to my son and say 'I know it's hard for you...yada, yada, yada' and explain how this kid was just trying to push his buttons. Remind him that a lot of kids don't even get a mom at all. He's getting to that age where everything is embarassing(can't spell)! I'd talk to him before you pull the other kid aside. Maybe just say to this other kid...hey, what you said hurts my feelings and if you're going to hang out with us you need to show me a little respect...I can't help it that I'm hurt. If he is your son's friend and enjoys going to the lake with you he'll get it and change his tune.
My kids are 16, 13, 12 and 7!! Gotta love those teenagers!
Sorry to ramble but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and I think you're doing a great job!!!!~Mush
I knew we had a 'secret' kinship!!!
I, too, am an advocate for my children within the school system. I have a reputation....I am not proud of the fact that I HAVE to fight with them but I am proud of the fact that I do because so so so many parents just drop their kids off and expect the schools to babysit. Believe me, our elementary school principal desperately wishes I was one of those parents.lol
I DO wave big signs and pickett!! I belong to a group that protests No Child Left Behind and the testing overload it has brought to our state.
Yes, my children are sometimes embarassed but I am not 'destroying their social development'. I am teaching them to fight for what they believe in and not to be a future corporate drone!!! Sorry, Kitkat, just MY opinion.
I, too, worry about my children's impression of my 'disability'. I spent a year telling the kids...'I can't...my lung'. Now, with medication, I can do more but I always worry about what the kids think of me taking pills all the time. I don't want them to think there's a magic pill for everything.
Kids will always say the most hurtful thing...why do you think there are so many 'your mama' insults? As long as it's just this one kid and not the whole school I wouldn't be so worried. I'd talk to my son and say 'I know it's hard for you...yada, yada, yada' and explain how this kid was just trying to push his buttons. Remind him that a lot of kids don't even get a mom at all. He's getting to that age where everything is embarassing(can't spell)! I'd talk to him before you pull the other kid aside. Maybe just say to this other kid...hey, what you said hurts my feelings and if you're going to hang out with us you need to show me a little respect...I can't help it that I'm hurt. If he is your son's friend and enjoys going to the lake with you he'll get it and change his tune.
My kids are 16, 13, 12 and 7!! Gotta love those teenagers!
Sorry to ramble but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and I think you're doing a great job!!!!~Mush
surgicaldisaster
05-26-2005, 05:00 PM
Hi Sherry!! :wave: Long time no post ;) (on my part that is!). I too have an 11 yr old and he will be 12 in Dec., almost identical ages! I think Mush is right...part is age and I think she is right about what to say or do with his friend. I have found that my son is VERY moody lately in general. I think it's the end of the school year and they are ready to get away from the pressures of school (keeping up the grades...keeping up with other kids, etc). My son is straight A's(I'm sorry but I am so proud of him...too bad he did not get it from me!) and I think he needs a break as he also does scouts, chorus , drama and soccer. (Which he chose to do and realised he overloaded himself too late in the game, so he will not do that again!)Anyway, this is not about my son, but in a way it kinda relates to many kids this age. This is such a crazy busy world, that even if they are not crazy busy, I kinda think they feel the pressure of it all...do ya know what I mean? Everything is keeping up with the Jones's in school ( a lot of the time), and then there is also the hormones that are probably starting to kick in about now....yay!!! Anyway, I think it truly was just one of those lashing out episodes that my son has had lately and that hopefully it will diminish with time. I think you are doing everything right.....what matters is that it works for you and your family. No one family does everything the same...it does not work that way.....if I helped even a little I am happy :D . Just know you are not alone...though some of my sons snide remarks have been about other things they can dig just as deep(as you know as a caring mom), but I also know he does not mean it(he will often tell me after the fact...but not always, though I still know he did not mean it) and I , just as you stand behind my parenting technique firm and strong because I know it is working for MY son, so stand strong for what you believe in and what works for YOUR son. Love to ya, and hope to chat more soon!! Your friend, Surg :wave: :angel: Oh, I also have a 9 yr old girl......
sgibson
05-31-2005, 08:59 AM
Thank you Surg and Mush. In my heart I know what you are saying is true. I know my son is not truly "embarrased" by me. I know he misses the fun things we used to do together but we still do things together. Just not physically challenging things. I can still read with him or watch a favorite movie or just talk. You'd be surprised what you can learn from your kids if you just take the time to sit and listen to what they have to say. I honestly believe children are a gift from God. (They rank right up there with doxies. LOL)
Sorry it took me a while to get back to you. I had to put my laptop in the shop. So, a lot of money later, I have it back better than ever. I went ahead and had it upgraded while it was there.
Take care and
God Bless,
Sherry :wave:
Sorry it took me a while to get back to you. I had to put my laptop in the shop. So, a lot of money later, I have it back better than ever. I went ahead and had it upgraded while it was there.
Take care and
God Bless,
Sherry :wave: