Hi everyone! This is my first post; it is my story, my sturggle. I am here seeking support and advice as I learn to gain control of this eating disorder.

I'm 21 years old and I've suffered with an eating disorder for nearly 7yrs. I'm not anorexic and not really bulimic. I'm not quite sure what I am. All I know is that I have an eating disorder in which I chew large amounts of food (I binge on anything and everything) and then spit it out, usually into a pop can, napkin or towel.

A few days ago, on my b-day to be exact, my mother found one of my towels that contained a big amount of chewed food. She asked my why I did it and I said I spat it out because the meat was fatty or something. This was a lie of course. I did it because I didn't want to swallow for the fear of gaining weight. She just looked at me and said 'I think you may have a form of bulimia'. I remained silent, ignoring the problem. I'm still ignoring the problem and continuing the behavior. Just today I chewed and spit c/s my dinner except for my potato, chewed and spit a twix bar, a beef sandwich, potato chips, chiken, cake and even some of my breakfast cereal. I know it's gross but I can't seem to stop. I get such strong urges to binge--urges that I cannot ignore.

I don't know how to stop or even if I want to. I have such an odd relationship with food, often experiencing guilt if I eat something I deem unhealthy or bad. I hate living like this, viewing food as the enemy and avoiding it at all costs. I hate eating or should I say actually eating in which I have to chew and swallow. It's like an addiction. I'm almost trapped in a cycle of binge chewing and spitting and I don't know what to do.

I am worried that I may be damaging my body in some way. I have tried to research my problem but there is just so little information on it. On one hand I want to change and on the other I want everything to stay the same. I can’t imagine eating normally and if I did I would end-up feeling guilt ridden and loathing myself for actually ingesting that piece of cake, cookie, hamburger, etc. It’s such a hard and confusing struggle.

Please share any advice and guidance and also provide me with prayers. I thank you all! :)

Most of us know the feeling of binging. If u read my post, i had the worst binge today and i just feel like a complete failure from it. It is something that takes over you, in my case i know its because I am so malnutritioned from depriving myself that my body over powered my mind and wouldnt let me stop eating. Its uncontrollable. I dont know all that much about chewing and spitting, but i know u are not alone. I read a previous post about this and it said that when you chew the food, you are already consuming 50%of the calories so u might as well just swallow it so you can get that fullness and hopefully stop chewing and spitting. I know thats easier said than done, its like people telling me, just eat sometnhing!! But anwyas i think the way to truly fight this is with help. Are you open to seeing some sort of counselor about this? You will be in my prayers and i believe one day we will all be free of this disease. Hang in there hun, if you need to talk more, i am here for u!