bent_halo
05-27-2005, 11:48 AM
Having stumbled apon this board this morning, I realized that I had craved the chance, may times, to be able to let out the pain of my losses....I hope this doesn't drag on too long, for some of you....
My first Angel, is my Mother...she died January 24,1988...I had nursed her for over a year, she had lung cancer and lost her battle, it was so emotionally devestating to her, partly, because she had suffered from Hypocondria for many years and at this point had an actual disease that was going to kill her, aside from watching her slowly waste away, I had to endure extreme verbal abuse from her at the end, but would cherish every single harsh word at this point, for one more chance to tell her how much I Love her and miss her..
My second Angel, is my Daughter Brittney, I was only 7 months and 3 days pregnant when she was born, she should have, at that far along, weighed about 3 pounds or so and had somewhat of a chance, but I had strep B and she only weighed a single pound, she ended up being still born, even tho I begged for a C section so I could at least say goodbye...I felt her die, I felt her leave me...it was December 16, 1991...
My third Angel, is my paternal Grandma, she was 100% German and a very stern and bitter woman all of my life, she came to live with us when she was 93 years old and in taking care of her, I learned to love the amazeing person, that she was, I believe I saw sides of her, that she never showed anyone else..she died April 7, 1992
My fourth Angel, my bestfriend, the absolute LOVE of my life, he was my everything, he was My Dad....His illness and death, were too quick, less than 6 months, he was fine one moment and gone the next, he gave me life and taught me, that the greatest thing in this world, is LOVE...he taught me, that someday, I will stand before God and he will ask me what I have done with all the blessings he has given me...he taught me that it isn't about those great Jobs or fine homes and expensive cars and or toys, it is about the lives I have shared my Love with....he was an amazeing man and I miss him more each day...he left us July 21,1995
My Fifth Angel, is my Bubby, my oldest Brother, he wasn't supposed to leave me so soon, he had a rough surgery, but he had made it and was on the road to recovery, he called me at 6 am, just to tell me he loved me so much, to tell me he was going home and we would plan a visit soon....he died two hours later, he was 16 yrs older than me and my hero, all my life, he died June 21, 2001
The one who got away....It is a very sobering thing, to awake one day and both of your parents are gone, the only two people who truly HAVE to Love you.....but I am so fortunate, to have My Jojo, he has been my bestfriend for 27 years this December, he is 17 years older than I and has a Daughter a year older than me, he rescued me from an abusive relationship 5 years ago, my kids call him Papo(grandpa) and I refer to him as "my Dad".
2 weeks ago, he woke me up with horrid pains in his back, I immeadiatly thought kidney stones, I wasn't too concerned, he went to the ER by ambulance and I waited in the lobby for about an hour, when a nurse, in tears, came and told me, I had about 4 minutes to come back and say goodbye to him...he had an aortic aneurysum, rupture, this is the largest blood supply to your body, and apon rupture you bleed out in about 5 minutes...I had to hold his hand and try in the few moments they gave me, to tell him how much I Loved him, what a wonderful person he was, all the while watching his eyes slowly die...I raged at God and told him point blank.."listen up M*****F****R...you cannot tkae another one from me, if you take him now, you best be ready to take me too"..I held him too my chest and willed his soul to connect to mine and promised him, that I had "it", I had him and would never let him go.
His aorta, had torn, it had ballooned up, to the size of a volleyball and was smashing his heart against his ribs and chest wall.....someway, somehow, he developed a blood clot, something I have had 9 cardiologists and thorasic surgeons, tell me just does NOT happen, the blood clot blocked the bleed, they were able to get him to a larger hospital and were able to take him to surgery...the surgeon told me, it was 2-5 hours of surgery with no complications, he would be on a resperator for MONTHS afterward, and he would likely suffer renal failure, from the huge amounts of contrast dye used...nothing mattered, I would have suffered each cut myself just to see him breathe again...24 minutes later, they came and told me it was over...I hit the floor, thinking he was gone...not only was he alive, the total surgery had taken 22 minutes and he was wide awake with just a demerol cocktail for the whole thing...the stints slid right it, the bleeding stopped....he had over 30 Doctors from the 3 surrounding states come to see him, in the 5 days he spent in the hospital, this has NEVER happened, they tell me it is literally impossiable and yet it is...
I chalk this up, to an intense love, shared with my friend, but often wonder, when I raged at God...does this mean he loves me?..or perhaps, I am not headed to heaven anytime in the future...lol
Thank you all for allowing me to let these things out....while difficult and rather short explinations for my 5 angels, it has been somewhat healing for me also
Angel :angel:
My first Angel, is my Mother...she died January 24,1988...I had nursed her for over a year, she had lung cancer and lost her battle, it was so emotionally devestating to her, partly, because she had suffered from Hypocondria for many years and at this point had an actual disease that was going to kill her, aside from watching her slowly waste away, I had to endure extreme verbal abuse from her at the end, but would cherish every single harsh word at this point, for one more chance to tell her how much I Love her and miss her..
My second Angel, is my Daughter Brittney, I was only 7 months and 3 days pregnant when she was born, she should have, at that far along, weighed about 3 pounds or so and had somewhat of a chance, but I had strep B and she only weighed a single pound, she ended up being still born, even tho I begged for a C section so I could at least say goodbye...I felt her die, I felt her leave me...it was December 16, 1991...
My third Angel, is my paternal Grandma, she was 100% German and a very stern and bitter woman all of my life, she came to live with us when she was 93 years old and in taking care of her, I learned to love the amazeing person, that she was, I believe I saw sides of her, that she never showed anyone else..she died April 7, 1992
My fourth Angel, my bestfriend, the absolute LOVE of my life, he was my everything, he was My Dad....His illness and death, were too quick, less than 6 months, he was fine one moment and gone the next, he gave me life and taught me, that the greatest thing in this world, is LOVE...he taught me, that someday, I will stand before God and he will ask me what I have done with all the blessings he has given me...he taught me that it isn't about those great Jobs or fine homes and expensive cars and or toys, it is about the lives I have shared my Love with....he was an amazeing man and I miss him more each day...he left us July 21,1995
My Fifth Angel, is my Bubby, my oldest Brother, he wasn't supposed to leave me so soon, he had a rough surgery, but he had made it and was on the road to recovery, he called me at 6 am, just to tell me he loved me so much, to tell me he was going home and we would plan a visit soon....he died two hours later, he was 16 yrs older than me and my hero, all my life, he died June 21, 2001
The one who got away....It is a very sobering thing, to awake one day and both of your parents are gone, the only two people who truly HAVE to Love you.....but I am so fortunate, to have My Jojo, he has been my bestfriend for 27 years this December, he is 17 years older than I and has a Daughter a year older than me, he rescued me from an abusive relationship 5 years ago, my kids call him Papo(grandpa) and I refer to him as "my Dad".
2 weeks ago, he woke me up with horrid pains in his back, I immeadiatly thought kidney stones, I wasn't too concerned, he went to the ER by ambulance and I waited in the lobby for about an hour, when a nurse, in tears, came and told me, I had about 4 minutes to come back and say goodbye to him...he had an aortic aneurysum, rupture, this is the largest blood supply to your body, and apon rupture you bleed out in about 5 minutes...I had to hold his hand and try in the few moments they gave me, to tell him how much I Loved him, what a wonderful person he was, all the while watching his eyes slowly die...I raged at God and told him point blank.."listen up M*****F****R...you cannot tkae another one from me, if you take him now, you best be ready to take me too"..I held him too my chest and willed his soul to connect to mine and promised him, that I had "it", I had him and would never let him go.
His aorta, had torn, it had ballooned up, to the size of a volleyball and was smashing his heart against his ribs and chest wall.....someway, somehow, he developed a blood clot, something I have had 9 cardiologists and thorasic surgeons, tell me just does NOT happen, the blood clot blocked the bleed, they were able to get him to a larger hospital and were able to take him to surgery...the surgeon told me, it was 2-5 hours of surgery with no complications, he would be on a resperator for MONTHS afterward, and he would likely suffer renal failure, from the huge amounts of contrast dye used...nothing mattered, I would have suffered each cut myself just to see him breathe again...24 minutes later, they came and told me it was over...I hit the floor, thinking he was gone...not only was he alive, the total surgery had taken 22 minutes and he was wide awake with just a demerol cocktail for the whole thing...the stints slid right it, the bleeding stopped....he had over 30 Doctors from the 3 surrounding states come to see him, in the 5 days he spent in the hospital, this has NEVER happened, they tell me it is literally impossiable and yet it is...
I chalk this up, to an intense love, shared with my friend, but often wonder, when I raged at God...does this mean he loves me?..or perhaps, I am not headed to heaven anytime in the future...lol
Thank you all for allowing me to let these things out....while difficult and rather short explinations for my 5 angels, it has been somewhat healing for me also
Angel :angel: