why does it have to hurt so much? why doesn't the pain get better or go away? everyday, the same thing.
i feel like my heart is held down by a thousand weights. i want to smile. laugh. cry. anything not to feel like this anymore. but then all those things feel pointless.

i am left asking why? whats the point to life if you have to live it this way? i feel on the outside looking in. my heart is so heavy. and i'm scared by these twisting emotions and i want to be free and safe but it feels like that life is a million miles away. i want to reach out to people and not get hurt. why do i get hurt so much? it's not normal.

i crashed and burned in a relationship. i don't feel like i have anything left to give. why can't i find my self worth and value. i am only left with convictions and a deep hunger for love. i feel worthless, empty and alone. why can't i learn? haven't i had enough chances. i want to shut my mind off and let my heart control. it feels like there is too little on the inside and a world raging down on me i can't take.

driving in my car i look at the sky. i know there is someone beyond it. he sees me, but he is silent. why can't he set me free from this awful misery and hell. sometimes i sleep saying "I hope i never wake up." this has been my wish for a long time. since i was little. what's the point? i feel i'm just walking dragging my heart behind me.

in the mirror. a young girls face but i can't feel anything for the reflection. only contempt and hate. i have a vast array of perspectives, talents, and hopes and dreams but i can't believe in any of them. i am doomed. and without my heart i'm worthless.

the tears fall down.
i sit in silence.

why does it have to hurt so much? why doesn't the pain get better or go away? everyday, the same thing.
i feel like my heart is held down by a thousand weights. i want to smile. laugh. cry. anything not to feel like this anymore. but then all those things feel pointless.

i am left asking why? whats the point to life if you have to live it this way? i feel on the outside looking in. my heart is so heavy. and i'm scared by these twisting emotions and i want to be free and safe but it feels like that life is a million miles away. i want to reach out to people and not get hurt. why do i get hurt so much? it's not normal.

i crashed and burned in a relationship. i don't feel like i have anything left to give. why can't i find my self worth and value. i am only left with convictions and a deep hunger for love. i feel worthless, empty and alone. why can't i learn? haven't i had enough chances. i want to shut my mind off and let my heart control. it feels like there is too little on the inside and a world raging down on me i can't take.

driving in my car i look at the sky. i know there is someone beyond it. he sees me, but he is silent. why can't he set me free from this awful misery and hell. sometimes i sleep saying "I hope i never wake up." this has been my wish for a long time. since i was little. what's the point? i feel i'm just walking dragging my heart behind me.

in the mirror. a young girls face but i can't feel anything for the reflection. only contempt and hate. i have a vast array of perspectives, talents, and hopes and dreams but i can't believe in any of them. i am doomed. and without my heart i'm worthless.

the tears fall down.
i sit in silence.


I am so sorry to see you feeling so badly. I'm crying for you as I type this because I truly understand how you feel. I feel pretty much the same way right now: worthless, contempt.... I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. When I was driving home from work today I wanted to find a very high bridge to drive off of...but I didn't want to wreck my boyfriend's car. It's pretty pathetic when you think more highly of a piece of machinery than you do of your own life. I can't go on like this.

I will pray for you that you make it through these horrible feelings. Take care.

Lots of Big Hugs :angel:

Imagine Lennon

when you thought about the high bridge did it make you feel better? when you reasoned not wanting to mess up your boyfriends car did you feel some relief from what you were thinking? i used to have suicidal thoughts driving home from my parents house or anytime i was driving. they would just come out of nowhere. i can relate to you exactly on that. i would always think "things are never going to get better" then fall down deep into a pit of despair and think "i want to die". did i really want to? no way! i have never been able to understand why i think about dying so much for. i really want to be happy and normal. i don't know. there was some relief in thinking about dying. then i could escape the awful feelings. i think suicidal thoughts for depressives are really a defense mechanism. when the pain of depression is too much you reason a way to escape. it's actually pretty normal. i've learned to forgive myself. i am suffering an awful lot and i know my mind is going to throw me for a loop or two. it's taken me a long time to understand this. i still have hard times accepting it though.

i hope i didn't upset you too much with what i wrote. i don't want to hurt you anymore than what you are already hurting.

Imagine Lennon

when you thought about the high bridge did it make you feel better? when you reasoned not wanting to mess up your boyfriends car did you feel some relief from what you were thinking? i used to have suicidal thoughts driving home from my parents house or anytime i was driving. they would just come out of nowhere. i can relate to you exactly on that. i would always think "things are never going to get better" then fall down deep into a pit of despair and think "i want to die". did i really want to? no way! i have never been able to understand why i think about dying so much for. i really want to be happy and normal. i don't know. there was some relief in thinking about dying. then i could escape the awful feelings. i think suicidal thoughts for depressives are really a defense mechanism. when the pain of depression is too much you reason a way to escape. it's actually pretty normal. i've learned to forgive myself. i am suffering an awful lot and i know my mind is going to throw me for a loop or two. it's taken me a long time to understand this. i still have hard times accepting it though.

i hope i didn't upset you too much with what i wrote. i don't want to hurt you anymore than what you are already hurting.

No, you didn't upset me with what you wrote. I was already hurting. I had a very high axiety day on Friday. Reading your message made my heart go out to you because I could completely understand what you were feeling.

Sometimes thoughts of dying do make me feel a little better, because I know that eventually there will be an end to all this. Not wanting to wreck my boyfriends car is just a rationalization...it's a way to "chicken out" because I obviously don't really want to die. At least not right now. I just think I'd be better off dead sometimes.

I hope you're feeling better today. I sort of am, but not looking forward to tomorrow when I have to go to work--that was the source of my anxiety on Friday. But Friday I worked until 4:00 covering for the supervisor who was on holidays, and tomorrow I'm back to my regular three hours, done at noon, and the supervisor is back. I have to have a chat with her about last week...the whole week was not good.

Take care Princess.