My dad died Feb. 7,2000 at 57 and let me tell you, for me I don't feel it is any easier now then it was at that time.
My dad died of complications that come with having Cirrohsis (Hep.C) of the liver which he had gotten from a blood tranfusion at 37 yrs of age.
Almost 1 yr to the day he died, he was rushed into the emergency room cause of vomiting blood. They made him sit in the waiting room for 2 hours holding a little pan, which they emptied 3 times and gave it back. We watched them take prostitutes as they came because they looked beaten up and one was holding her arm. Finally for the 10th time, I went up to the front desk and told them if you don't take my father back there right now, I will do it for you. I mean for all we knew he was bleeding to death. My family all got up and we started to wheel my father back and by god they didn't stop us at all.
They hooked up a stomach pumping machine, and put 2 IV's in. My dad was semi-concious at this time because of the blood loss. They took him down to do an upper GI and found that he had varicies through his esophagus which were bleeding. They injected them to seal them. So the next day they started to run test and do another upper GI. The results a day later confirmed he had Cirrohsis of the liver. My mom had gone home to take a shower and this doctor had come in and was talking to me and telling me the usual reasons why people have Cirrohsis. So he asked me how long has my father drank. Not does your father drink but how long. I looked at him and said my dad doesn't drink. He insisted that he must. And I told him alcohol is not the only reason for Cirrohsis, there could be lots of reasons, like Hepatitis C. I told him, that I thought he had a blood transfusion 19 yrs ago and that they should run a test because he didn't drink. My mom had walked in at that time and once she found out what they were saying she hit the roof. The test got done 2 days later with alot of fighting. They just wanted to say it was alcohol and be done with it. At that time not many hospitals had test there. So it was sent out and like 3 days later it came back Positive. That same stupid doctor came and gave us the results and my mom says thank you for not believing us.
We found this wonderful doctor who specialized in this. With lots of testing and waiting he was able to put my dad on pills and injections for 6 months. At the end of the 6 months my dad was tested for Hep. C and there was no trace of it found in his blood. We celebrated.
Christmas came around and all of sudden he started to withdraw from us. He had gotten a nice video camera for Christmas and he took it around to each of us and video taped us, holding it there for 10 min. He wouldn't let us video tape him much at all. Couple of wks later he went into the emergency room with upper right pains, cold chills, fever. They ended up saying it was his gallbladder but they weren't sure to do surgery because of the liver disease. It took the specialist about a wk to make a decision and they said ok.
The one thing that sits in my mind everyday is that while my dad was laying there prepared for surgery and waiting, I told him just think dad, soon you won't have anymore pain. That makes me feel extreme guilt even though I didn't mean for death.
His surgery went ok and a few days later he started vomiting blood. They took him down gave him an upper GI and said that it was old and that his liver is unable to filter as fast because of the scarring (to damaged). he was put into ICU. He was quite grumpy and very snappy with everyone. My dad was the last person to practice religon in anyway. He was a great guy but just not religous. Well my brothers minister from his church came to visit with my dad and my dad welcomed him completely. They talked privately for a couple of hours.
The next day they told us, that my dad was slowly going into a coma. He couldn't talk, but could move and when he looked at you it was like he looked right through you. He wasn't seeing you, but could feel you cause he jumped when I unexpectly grabbed his feet.
The next 2 days he was in a coma. But you could tell with his heart rate that he heard us talk to him. We bought a little TV with a Vcr in it to play tapes of us so he could hear and we bought a portable Cd player with earphones so he could listen to his fave music, all this hoping he would come back.
Feb. 7,2000 at 11:10 am he passed.
I cannot get through this. I can't talk to my family because fear of making them sad and of course they would start to worry if they knew how I have been feeling. I can't put that on them.
Am I going crazy for playing the whole thing over and over in my head?

No, you're not going crazy. I'm still replaying both my uncle's death in 2001 and my grandmother's death two weeks ago. I was very close to both of them, and I think that when we are used to fighting for their health with doctors and hospitals, we start to wonder what we should have done earlier, or quicker, to help them live longer. I keep wondering what else I should have suggested, or demanded, to keep my grandmother around longer, despite my knowing that her systems were all shutting down at the same time, and that to extend her life artificially would be to not respect her own wishes. She was 78, but she still didn't want to go. She fought everyday from the first day she was diagnosed with emphysema in her 50's. Ultimately, you couldn't have done anything differently for your dad. Part of it was his responsibility to go to the doctor when he didn't feel well; but I know that men are pretty much loathe to seek assistance in general--they'd rather just try to fight it off themselves. But you really need to talk about him with someone who cares about you. You need to share the love you feel for him with someone else, or else you will feel like you're in a void, in stasis, not ever moving forward, always stuck in yesterdays and should-have-beens. I'm sure that your dad loved life, and would want you to be living it happily. If he's around you now, he probably is bothered that it is his memory keeping you back, rather than enjoying the life he helped to give you. Try talking to friends, family members who are rational, co-workers. And this board, I found, is so helpful to recover, because people are listening, and they don't care who you are, or how much money you have, or what you can do for them; they just want to help you overcome your pain.

Thank you for responding. I really do appreciate it. It's nice to be told your not going crazy for playing these things over and over. But in all, I have tried to talk about this to my husband. But it doesn't feel right. It's like he doesn't understand even though he tries. I don't know........ But thank you!

Maybe you can use the hospital's support system for caregivers and bereavement. Every hospital has one, and they must supply aid to the survivors of patients who have died in their buildings. It's usually free, and there will be attentive people there, some going through similar pain, some professionals who won't patronize you, just help you. I'm thinking that your husband may have some undealt-with emotions regarding a loss earlier in his life, and is therefore unable to cope with your emotions. Maybe, if you get healthy, you can help him out. Good luck.

My Dad died on Fathers day last year after a brief illness ( 3 mons) with cancer. EVERYDAY i wonder if we had done something the minute he started not to feel well- could we have saved him- I do have a strong faith and i do believe it was his time. However, it doesnt make it any easier to deal with the sadness from the loss of a wonderful man and father. You are NOT alone and definately not crazy. Hang in there and try to get some support.
Patty

My mom recently died of uterine cancer. She was in so much pain, towards the end. I've been feeling very depressed, replaying the last agonizing 3 years in my mind, as she slowly perished. I'm haunted and exhausted by it. She was till quite young. Like you, I can't get it out of my mind. I've thought about seeking therapy, just to talk it out, with an objective listener. Please know you are not alone.

hey I wanted to tell u also that u r not alone my brother died 3 years ago on June 7 in a car accident he was only 28 I still replay in my head being told he died having to tell my mother the funeral everything I dont know why I torture myself that way I miss him so much he was caring and giving and loved his children so much nothing about death is easy but dont ever feel like you are crazy your only human hun

Jen