I am 20 years old and a college student. I have always been a bit awkward in social situations but always had friends etc. When I was 11 my family moved to another country which was difficult for me. I was very mature at 11, both physically and emotionally and I think that was the worst possible time I could have been uprooted to a place I knew no-one. Still, at the time I was kind of excited by the novelty of a new place and made friends and my new school. I had some issues with some nasty girls bullying me a bit but it wasn't too bad, and overall I remember being happy. After having been a shy child, I remember coming out of my shell a lot around 12-13, I didn't care what people thought, I was a lot more confident and loud.

I'm not sure when things started to change but it must have been gradually. I did get depressed a lot in the holidays because we lived in the middle of nowhere. I was literally stuck in the house for over a week at a time because there was just nowhere to go. I guess I was a loner because there were no kids my age around for miles and I would just sit on the Internet all day and watch TV. I believe this really affected my social skills, because most people this age would be out with friends. at the cinema, messing with guys, etc. I am naturally a very communicative and talkative person and being stuck in like this really made me miserable. My parents refused to help pay for driving lessons and let me use their car and I could never have raised that money on my own. I did a language exchange to Germany when I was 15 with a group of teens from my area and I was so used to being alone or with the same few friends at school that I had trouble relating to people my age. I felt they thought I was snobby because I didn't really speak to them when really I was so shy and felt stupid and didn't know what to say.

So basically during this time I should have been maturing and experiencing new things, I wasn't moving on. I never had a boyfriend or a proper job which probably would have really helped my confidence. I was looking forward to going to college, thinking it would solve all my problems. Well in a way I am happier here. It's a big city and I still appreciate the fact that I can hop on a bus and do what I want/go where I want. I really missed out on independence living in the middle of nowhere. I have made quite a few friends at college but I still feel like a MASSIVE part of my life is missing. I would love to have guy friends but there just aren't any guys in my classes and I am way too awkward to go up and talk to them at events or parties. I would generally like to be more sociable and know lots of people but I feel there is a massive barrier holding me back. Deep down I feel like I'm not worthy of peoples attention, that I'm annoying them, that I'm boring. Basically I'm still not really happy. I'm 20 and should be having the time of my life but I'm still miserable. I know its definitely ME because no matter where I am I kind of feel this way.

I forgot to mention that when I was 18 I went through a period of feeling REALLY low, feeling like life wasn't worth living and basically having no self esteem at all. Once I even walked into the road in front of a car not really worried that it might hit me. My mom was a bit concerned but she didn't take it that seriously even though depression runs in the family. My uncle is bi poloar and my aunt has been on anti depressions for years. I tend to see the negative side of EVERYTHING. I always expect the worst and never seem to enjoy things for worrying. Every time I sit an exam I tell myself I've failed. I assume people won't like me, I assume everything negative. I keep telling myself to think positive and pull myself out of this misery but I just can't.

Hi Estrellita, welcome to the boards. :wave:

I read your post and could relate to a lot of what you said. I'm a nineteen year old student, and dont always reply to threads on here, as i'm not too sure i say the right things, so bear with me. :) I wanted to reply to you because i think i understand some of what you were saying.

I've always been a quiet, shy, sensitive person, and the feelings of inferiority or that people won't like you is something that i have had too, and still do. I feel like there is a massive void in my life where close friends, female friends and girlfriends should be. This is something i have not been able to sort out on my own and leaves me feeling even more lonely, isolated and different to everyone else.

But what i wanted to say was that the one thing i wish i had done was go and see someone earlier about all this. What i did was let it get worse and worse to the point where i see no way out. Now i'm on ADs and waiting for counselling to start. If this is something you think would help you, then go and speak to a doctor. Maybe your college has facilities you could use, i know mine has been good for me.

Good luck, and take care. James.

I have also gone through the same experiences. I was bullied as a child, and had literally no friends until my junior year in college. I have only had one serious relationship with a girlfriend and that ended rather quickly. I was really good at track and field so I had a full ride scholarship to just about any university of my choice. When I finally left for college I felt so much panic and anxiety about being around so many total strangers that I left and came home, where I still live today. My advice is the same as most people seem to give on these boards. Seek help immediately the sooner the better. It sounds like you may have some anxiety disorders, especially social. But this can also cause depression. Just know that you are not alone and that there are plenty of us that feel just like you, I sincerely hope things turn out well for you, and I wish you all the best.