Posted this on 2 other forums, not sure which was active really...just needed somewhere to say this...sorry if in wrong place.

I know nearly all of this will be sad and all the rest, I know it'll appear stupid...meh

I was diagnosed with AS (Aspergers syndrome) when I was around 9, to the unknowing it basically makes you into a social retard. I tried to stay in school, didn't last due to being physically afraid of being around people everyday, not something other kids are going to be understanding about added onto near to 0 social skills. So, I dropped out at around 13, tried for home schooling but no luck with the education. I'm now 16 and Since then time has moved but I've not moved forward at all...just been able to stay in, listen to music, feel angry, cry and screw up any chance of happiness I've had even online. All I can do is feel sorry for myself whilst I continue to screw up and feel like this.

I had felt a little better of late because I met someone online who I actually felt happy just by talking to her, she's one of the few people I care for at all in my life just because she is herself and has a good heart. However, since I have no life and she does she wasn't on that much before and we had a few arguments because I keep assuming things like if she doesn't talk to me for say 30 mins I've done something wrong. We've had no arguments for awhile, she hasn't been on really at all. We used to play a game called FFXI together, my form of escapism when with her...she said she enjoyed hanging with me and all, but slowly she's stopped playing and now it seems stopped coming on ***. This has hurt me badly simply because I have no-one to talk to offline and online I have few because I'm hard to get to know due to my moods, need for reassurance and all. I don't know if anyone here can understand but if you're alone 24/7 irl with nothing to do you start to attach easily to those you find who you care for online, loneliness is a killer and really all I wanted was someone I cared for to hang with.

I really don't know...it seems I've been doing nothing more than wanting to play FFXI with her for ages, and now that she isn't coming on the days are seeming longer and my depression worse. To make it worse, I can't even go on FFXI to do much since I'm meant to be leveling jobs I want to with her, one job I want to and am not she has most my equipment I need and hasn't been on to give it back. I've sent her messages via POL (basically FFXI's e-mail service) with no answer, sent her email and no answer, only seen her on *** once in last 5 days at 1 AM in morning where she tells me she hadn't been on because she's depressed and tried to take an overdose (she has a bad spine atm due to motorbike accident, bronchitis and I think time of the month), although she said she should be on next day and never did, still not now. I'm paranoid and I assume she's avoiding me, not coming on because of something I've done...either way it's making me feel worse since I can't escape on FFXI and don't have her to give me some sanity.

As I said at the top; yeah, this is sad...another geek with no life who got addicted to a MMORPG, can't make many friends online even and is made to feel more depressed by some chick I don't know irl not coming on since I'm so lonely and bored. What can I say, I'm a complete loser...it's how I feel though, I can't help it since I have nothing else... I really don't know what to do...part of me thinks it'd be best all around just to free myself from all of this, other part is just a scared little kid still wanting to be accepted... : (

Welcome Nolifer,

Join the club. For many of us, this board is our only contact. I can relate to your comments about wondering if you've done something wrong to explain why she hasn't contacted you. What I have learned over the years is that mental illness quite often leads to narcicism (probably not spelled right). We think that everything is about us when more often than not, it has nothing to do with us. If she says she is depressed, I'd believe that to be the case and offer to talk with her about her condition. It helps us to learn to put our needs on back burner and reach out to others now and then. Spending so much time on this game (i'm guessing that is what it is) is probably not a good sign. It may have even contributed to her not feeling so good. Obsessive compulsive behaviors are usually a sign that things aren't going so well. I'm no doctor, I am probably more like you than you realize. My advice would be to log onto this board more often and talk to people. You can develop more online relationships outside of gaming.

Write me back!