What is anorexia? I mean, does it mean completely starving yourself and not eating anything? I ... I just am not sure anymore. I mean, could I be anorexic? My story is that I went on a diet about 2 months ago and started exercising, but nothing seemed to work, i'd lost weight but still felt fat, so then I gradually lowered my calorie intake (before exercising) until it was around 350-400 calories before my 1-1 1/2 hours of exercising (nothing too much, just walking really fast and running). I started not eating lunch at school except for an order of french fries (which to dumb school serves everyday) but then I stopped eating lunch altogether... sometimes i'll have some fruit when i get home from school but then i'll feel guilty and I wont eat dinner either.. so lately i haven't really been eating lunch or dinner... but I do eat breakfast, which is special K cereal... that's it...my parents started talking to me and my dad is always accusing me of being anorexic, but I do eat, some.. the sad part.. is that i lie to my parents about what I eat, and I tell them that i eat lunch at school and they think that I am eating more than I actually am, and with what they think i'm eating, they think its too little.. maybe.. I dunno.. I mean, it doesn't look like i have an eating disorder, so maybe i don't.. i'm 16, 5'5", and 120 lbs. I honestly don't think I have a problem but when I was talking to my friend about how I thought I was fat, she started telling me that i scared her sometimes when I wouldn't eat anything and stuff. She said my clothes were starting to look really baggy and stuff. But Id o'nt know if she was just trying to make me think that i actually lost weight (weighed around 138 3 months ago)... I dunno.. everytime I eat i feel so guilty.. i just want to do something bad to punish myself for eating.. I'm just.. maybe I shoudl try to talk to my best friend about it, but I am too scared.... plus, this probably isn't even an eating disorder, right?

help....

http://www.anred.com/defswk.html

I was just in the bathroom for half an hour trying to make myself throw up... i did a little bit..but not enough to make me happy.. what's happening...........

Sounds to me like this can be the start of ana. Please talk to someone.

I was just in the bathroom for half an hour trying to make myself throw up... i did a little bit..but not enough to make me happy.. what's happening...........


Eating disorders take on many forms. You don't have to be skin and bones to be anorexic or bulimic. The website the previous poster posted is very helpful, please take a look at it. It sounds like you have some serious stuff going on. I would definitely seek help. I'm 34 and have been in treatment for over two years. I've been anorexic, bulimic, and a compulsive overeater since childhood. Believe me, I wish I would have gotten help way sooner.

It does sound like the start of an eating disorder. If I were you I would get help before it gets worse. Ed's can take over your life so easily. Just because you eat doesn't mean anything. I went into a treatment center for anorexia almost 3 years ago.I was in complete denial about being anorexic for weeks while i was there. I thought I couldn't be anorexic because I eat every meal. However my "meals" were around 200 calories and I was exercising daily. I also didn't believe I had an eating disorder because i thought that I was just eating healthy. I think I thought that because that is how my ED started. I was watching what I ate, count out junk food and only ate what I thought was healthy. Then it all spiraled out of control.
I would get help now!

It is definately something to be worried about....having any sort of un-natural obsession with food could consitute an eating disorder in my mind. i agree with the other posts, just b/c you do eat the little food that you do, and dont look deathly ill doesnt mean a thing. in the depths of my ana struggle i still looked okay, but i was below a healthy weight, and even further below the natrual shape my body takes on. Heres something for you to think about --> Eating disorders are not about food. They are caused by something else....whether it be your need for control, extreme need for acceptence, a coping mechanism etc. But it is alwyas something else then just the food....think about that, and think about what could have triggered your obesession. Also, seeing a counsellor or therapist just to talk would do a load of good. Its hard to o through everyday tihnking about food and what to eat and what not to, and talking to someone can help alot. Good luck, and keep posting.

Yesterday all I ate was special K and I went downtairs and ate 2 strawberries and I felt so guilty for eating... so guilty.. I felt guilty for eating the little bit of special K that I did and then I ate some strawberries, only 2 and I about freaked out.. it was so bad that I wanted to cut myself.... I exercised afterwards of course, but then I got so tired after only 40 minutes... I guess its from not getting enough nutrients or whatever.. but then today I ate an even smaller amount of special k, with nothing like milk or sugar of course, and I felt bad for eating.. I didn't eat lunch, and I'm definitly not eating dinner, and if I do end up eating anything ill probably try to throw up.. that's my plan for today.. I have to keep myself busy so i wont eat. I used to punish myself for eating by cutting myself, but now I dont even do that, I just don't eat.... I did punish myself yesterday though... I started hitting myself really hard with this metal thing on my side and now I have a big bruise on my hip.. I can't eat... and I can't tell anyone.. I just.. can't.. I do'nt know how.. the one person that I do trust the most in this world, my best friend... I could tell her I guess, but it would be hard.. I've been trying to tell her for about 2 months now, when it first started, but now its getting worse.. From what you guys said though, it doens't sound like I have an eating disorder, so maybe its nothing to worry about.. maybe i'm fine.. I mean, I really do'nt think i have an eating disorder.. I deserve this anyways..

Yesterday all I ate was special K and I went downtairs and ate 2 strawberries and I felt so guilty for eating... so guilty.. I felt guilty for eating the little bit of special K that I did and then I ate some strawberries, only 2 and I about freaked out.. it was so bad that I wanted to cut myself.... I exercised afterwards of course, but then I got so tired after only 40 minutes... I guess its from not getting enough nutrients or whatever.. but then today I ate an even smaller amount of special k, with nothing like milk or sugar of course, and I felt bad for eating.. I didn't eat lunch, and I'm definitly not eating dinner, and if I do end up eating anything ill probably try to throw up.. that's my plan for today.. I have to keep myself busy so i wont eat. I used to punish myself for eating by cutting myself, but now I dont even do that, I just don't eat.... I did punish myself yesterday though... I started hitting myself really hard with this metal thing on my side and now I have a big bruise on my hip.. I can't eat... and I can't tell anyone.. I just.. can't.. I do'nt know how.. the one person that I do trust the most in this world, my best friend... I could tell her I guess, but it would be hard.. I've been trying to tell her for about 2 months now, when it first started, but now its getting worse.. From what you guys said though, it doens't sound like I have an eating disorder, so maybe its nothing to worry about.. maybe i'm fine.. I mean, I really do'nt think i have an eating disorder.. I deserve this anyways..

The mere fact that you're saying you deserve to treat yourself this way says that you have a serious problem (regardless of what it is!), please get yourself some help now. No one deserves to be treated in such a way. A professional won't judge you, if that's what you're worried about. It's their job to listen, not judge. Seeing someone who has experience in these areas is vital. It would also be even better if you could find someone with personal experience. As for the self-injury things you describe, they often go hand-and-hand with eating disorders, especially anorexia. There've been many, many times I hit myself in the head with my hand repeatedly to the point of having a concussion. Eating disorders in and of themselves are self-injurious. Don't minimize your problem, it will only make it worse, believe me.

I'm just so scared... what do I do? I know I should tell someone..but.. yesterday during my exam (i know that's bad.. but i can't even concentrate in school anymore) i was thinking about my problem, and I was ilke maybe if I tell my mom first, maybe she could try to help me, adn then maybe I could go see someone to make this better... but then, when it was time to go home from school I had talked myself out of it....it's like i'm trying to stop this on my own, and I think in my head, okay i'll eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner today! So, in my mood for getting over this I eat lunch or something, but then by dinner time I am feeling so guilty for eating, that I don't eat at all for the rest of the day... it's just so complicating! I don't know what's wrong with me... sometimes I want to fix it and sometimes I don't.....*sighs*... I even tried talking to a friend who used to have an eating disorde,r I don't know if I shoudl try to talk to her first maybe.. she's my best friend and I trust her most in this whole entire world.. this is.. i'm just so scared...

I'm just so scared... what do I do? I know I should tell someone..but.. yesterday during my exam (i know that's bad.. but i can't even concentrate in school anymore) i was thinking about my problem, and I was ilke maybe if I tell my mom first, maybe she could try to help me, adn then maybe I could go see someone to make this better... but then, when it was time to go home from school I had talked myself out of it....it's like i'm trying to stop this on my own, and I think in my head, okay i'll eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner today! So, in my mood for getting over this I eat lunch or something, but then by dinner time I am feeling so guilty for eating, that I don't eat at all for the rest of the day... it's just so complicating! I don't know what's wrong with me... sometimes I want to fix it and sometimes I don't.....*sighs*... I even tried talking to a friend who used to have an eating disorde,r I don't know if I shoudl try to talk to her first maybe.. she's my best friend and I trust her most in this whole entire world.. this is.. i'm just so scared...

It's very difficult to stop it on your own when you have this mean ***** constantly in your head bugging you and won't leave you alone, trust me I know. I'm sure a lot of other folks on here know exactly what I'm talking about. Talking to your best friend is a really good place to start. Maybe she could even recommend someone for you to see? My best friend is bulimic, and even though most of my struggles (lately anyway) have been with anorexia instead of bulimia, it's nice to have someone to talk to who'll just listen and not judge and can actually understand what I'm going through. Remember, isolation only makes the ED stronger, it feeds off it. Tell someone about it that you can trust.

I told my best friend yesterday at school. I had been starving myself that day, and she was telling me how only I could stop this, and that I should try to stop it on my own, and that she wouldn't tell anyone, and that she'd be here for me. She told me to try to eat more and try to get better, and .. I dunno.. it really hit me, and i realized how much she cared. So, when I came home I decided to eat something to try to get better. I ate something, and I guess since I didn't relaly eat the day before, and I hadn't ate all day I just like ate a lot I guess for that day.. I had 900 calories yesterday and I felt so bad.. I was in the bathroom trying to make myself throw up for the longest time but I just couldn't... so instead I cut myself 11 times to punish myself for eating too much.....I don't know what came over me yesterday. I do'nt know if its because I was on my period or something, and I heard that that makes you more hungry, but I was just like... I dunno.. So today, I had this plan for not eating all day long to make up for yesterday, but I had exams and my mom practically forced me to eat breakfast..ugh.. and I talked to my friend some more and when I told her about tyring ot throw up and how I felt so bad, I could tell it was hurting her and I promised her that I would try to eat today, so I did.. I've had......600 calories today, and agian.. I feel so guilty.. guilty enough to go make myself throw up, but I just can't... I don't know if its a mental block or something.. so hopefully i'll exercise for like an hour or more to try to burn it off so I wont get fat... but I just dont know.. I hate this...... i hate it i hate it..... I don't know if its getting better or not.. physcologically, no......but.. god... why did I have to promise her I would eat.. hopefully tomorrow I'll be too busy to eat.. yea.. I'll keep myself busy so I wont have to.....I'm not eating for the rest of the night either... i'm going to get even fatter at the rate I'm going.. i hate being fat....

Hey, just wondering....whats your height and your weight, and how old are you.
Im going through a similar thing though I dont cut myself, I know how stressful it can be tho! today I have only eaten 346 cals.... really I have eaten about 650 but I burned alot doing exercise. Ive now told some of my friends, thank god, and they are really surportive about the whole thing as Im sure your friends seem to be as well. The most calorie intake for a women is 2000 cals. I dont mean for you to try and eat that many, but just so you see eating 900 or 600 cals isnt that bad at all, its prob even less then you should be eating. I also cant make my self throw up ive tried and tried but I cant so I cant help u there I aint gotta clue but I think mayb because I dont eat enough I dont have anything to throw up :s
As im in the same situation (sorta) as you, I dont feel I have the right to tell you its really really bad and stuff like that because its easier to say it then to attually do it, I mean I know its bad as im sure you do but just saying it prob wont make you stop. Because if I say it to myself ill just end up starving the next day any way.
Though also I do know, even if I dont eat all day, I force myself at least to have breakfast, even if it is just a smoothie, honestly I know for a fact that breakfast starts off you matabolism so that if you eat anything in the day it helps digestion flow better so you wont put on as much weight if you do end up eating in the day, honestly trust me on that!!!
I also have my exams at school at the mo and my mum is always on my back for not eating I hate it!
Tho your friend is just worried about you, as any friend would be. I cant say much more because I dont really get it myself and I dont really know.
But im here for you im going through it all as well.
:s :s :s
Hanniex

I'm 16, 5'5" and around 119-120 lbs currently. Wow, so you understand what I'm going through? It's just so complicating.. Sometimes, when i'm in the "eating mood" i try to eat more because I know that later in the day I will be in the "starve myself" mood.. but then, I feel so bad for eating all of the time. Today i've had about 400 calories before exercising and I feel like a hippo.. I'm gonna go exercise soon to try to burn it off.... gosh I'm such a pig...

When you're on your period can it make you more hungry, or more likely to eat more? Because it feels like since i've got on mine I haven't like.. been hungry, but I've hate like moods where I actually do eat, and I don't know why. Usually I just don't want to eat like at all but.. I dunno.. it's wierd.. I do'nt know if I want to stop.. that's my problem. I've been practically forcing myself to eat because I don't want to lose my friends, but.. gosh.. yesterday I had 700 calories (before exercing, about 200 after exercising) and I felt terrible.....sometimes I know what i'm feeling isn't normal, but other times I'm just like, this is okay... it's so wierd.. like I'm so moody...maybe its ... I dunno.. Why do I feel bad for eating? I guess my eating is getting better, .... last week I was eating around 200-400 calories before excercising then exercising for over an hour. So I guess I"m improving a little bit, but... I'm just so scared of being fat....

Hey, your BMI (you might already know) is 19.8 - 20. Apperantly you dont want to be under 18.5 because that is underweight. Though it changes with some people depending on matabolism and stuff and also doctors can think differently, they normally say 20-22 should be the minimum.
I'm 16 as well, 5ft3 and weigh 92lbs, tho I have always had a low weight because I have a high matabolism, I think my highest weight was about 99lbs last feb.
Ummm, I'm not sure about the whole peroid thing, I know that I get really boated during a peroid and that can sometimes stop me eating more then I normally would because I feel alot fatter. But i'm due my period tomorrow....(hopefully) so i'll keep ya updated on how I feel.
I'm sure your friends, how ever much you hurt them through this, will always stick by you know matter what. Sometimes I feel my friends looking at me and bitching and crap like that, but I think thats mostly me being paranoid about what others think. Because now I have told my friends about it all they are very worried though very surportive at the same time. I dont know your friends though I really dont think you will loose them.
At school I have 2 groups of friends, one group I would say I 'normally' hang around with more and would tell them anything. But in this situation I have found them more unsurportive and bitchy and I find myself worried to tell them because I dont know what they'll think. Which is why I told my other group of friends about this problem. I think that if someone doesn't like me or what im doing then that's there problem and you can see really who your friends are. Your true friends wont leave you how ever bad it becomes, they will just care for you, worry for you, and hope you get better.

Sometimes I go to bed at night and think, 'im being silly about the whole thing, i will get up tomorrow and not worry about what I eat and forget the whole thing' But I can't. Its one of life's crueltys. I really cant stop not thinking about it. Even if I think about not eating, sometimes I do eat but then I feel so bad when I go to bed at night and then end up straving the next day.
I say to myslef that I can stop anytime I want, and I thought that I could but I now realise I can't.

I'm 16 exactly like you....are you in the UK....doing your GCSE's? I am, and I find it soooo hard to consentrate and get consently tierd. Do you?

How do you exercise?

I am here to help i knw what its like.
Hannie xxx

This morning I weighed 116.4 lbs... I've been trying to eat a little more, and I just keep telling myself (like you said you did) saying that I wont worry about what I eat, and that I'll eat at least like 800 calories or something, but then I do eat something, and I feel terrible about eating... so terrible.. I'll skip meals and burn off more calories than I ate for the day... stuff like that.. I'm trying to get better though, I really am.. but sometimes its just... I dunno.. sometimes I feel in control and sometimes I don't. I have this idea in my head that 600 calories (before exercising) is unacceptable....I just don't know what to do anymore.. I mean, I dunno.. My parents told me to stop trying to lose weight, becuase they think I'm eating at least 1250 (which is how much my calorie counter says I have to eat to lose weight). So, they think I should increase my calories to 1600, which is to maintain my current weight, but... I dont even eat 1000 a day! I can't.. my friend wants me to gradually increase my calorie intake until it gets to my "calorie goal" for maintaining a weight... I mean, I guess I haven't been only eating 300 calories lately, but... I'm not eating even 800. maybe this isn't as bad as it sounds.. ya know?

You know how I said I was on my period, and I didn't know if that made me hungrier? Well.. it seems like i've been so hungry lately.. but instead of actually eating when I'm hungry, i'll do the "chew & spit" thing.. its so gross, but.. I can't eat everytime I'm hungry!

My best friend, the only person I've told about this (besides this message board), she is very supportive. I mean, I know that she is worried about me, and I know that I scare her sometimes, but I know that she is always here for me, and that she wants me to get better. We went shopping the other night, it was so bad.. well, she was hungry and wanted something to eat, so I said okay lets go, but by the time I got there I was like no I don't need to eat. She tried to encourage me to, but didn't like force me or anything. She even lied for me in the car when my parents asked what I ate.. (they're always asking me that now..). *sighs*. I just don't want to burden her or anything. But I'm glad that she's here for me. I just don't want to hurt my best friend.

I live in the US. Our exams are called EOC's. I know how you feel. It was so hard for me to concentrate on my exams when I took them! It was so difficult... and yes, I am constantly tired.. Like all the time.. I'll try to do something, and now even exercising is a struggle because I get tired so much more easily.

I exercise by walking 4.0 mph on my treadmill, and running for usually at least 1 hour everyday. I also go swimming and sometimes do aerobics videos. I think that one day I walked for 1 1/2 hours and ran for a mile all at once.. My mom thinks its excessive but. I dunno. it's not like I exercise like that everyday. It's not really "strenuous" or anything.

Wow, it feels good to have someone to talk to about this, who understands exactly what I'm going through.

Eating disorders take on many forms. You don't have to be skin and bones to be anorexic or bulimic..




This is very true i put in a post before i have never lost weight being bulimic the truth is i dont even know how it started. i am not even unhappy with my weight just how i see myself i am 5'3 109 lbs and i cant stop.

This is very true i put in a post before i have never lost weight being bulimic the truth is i dont even know how it started. i am not even unhappy with my weight just how i see myself i am 5'3 109 lbs and i cant stop.

For me, it's control. Whenever I'm upset about something that I have absolutely no control over, I turn to my ED. I start on my path of thinking that the only thing I can control is my weight. I'm not really overweight (5'5 135) but it aggravates me that I can't knock off the extra 5lbs I've gained from a bcp. :rolleyes:

Maybe that's what i want.. to be in control of something....

Maybe that's what i want.. to be in control of something....


It's very possible. What's your home life like? Are your parents controlling?

Heya, sorry I havent posted in a couple of days, ive been soooo busy! I weighed myself this morning and I weigh - 93lbs eeekkkkk! My goal weight to stay at was 91lbs and i'm now 2lbs over! it doesn't sound alot but to me it sucks!
I now definatly know what you mean about being hungry on your period! But its not like im really hungry, I just end up going to the fridge and eating ice cream even if I dont want to, I just do it without thinking. Yestaday I ate a bowl of cereal (Bran Flakes) which is roughly 154 cals but I then burnt it off. And then I skipped lunch because I was having an exam but when I got home, I ate SO much chocolate ice cream it was UNBELIEVABLE! and didnt have time to burn it off because I went to my boyfriends house! There I ate a small bit of pasta salad at his house which I guess isn't too bad because I only had a really little bit. But I got so hungry after, that he gave me two candy bars which I DIDNT refuse! BIG MISTAKE! I couldn't even eat one in front of him so I hid it and ate in the bathroom i was THAT hungry its soooooo bad!

Then today. I had a bowl of Bran Flakes as usual. I went to my exam and the weather was really really hot!!!! (well hot for england any ways.) and so me and my friend went to get an icecream from the shop so I had a marsbar ice cream (My fav :nono: ) and also a candy bar :eek: !!!!! Then if the worst wasnt the worst!!!!!! My friend came over and said did we want to eat his chips he had brought from the shop so we shared them!!!! GOSH!
Now i'm just about to go have my tea Mum has cooked, dunno what it is yet, but im going to try and not eat too much of it, I just get caried away when I see food for me to eat, I feel SOOOO guilty (Like you say you do) after eating something! I honestly feel really bad for eating those chips! Urgh I feel like a fat pig!

I think the control idea that was said just before my post is a really interesting theory for me!! I was talking to my boyfriend yestaday and he was getting annoyed because I wasn't paying enough attention to him and was always distracted with other friends at school. Which is true because I dont really talk to him much at school. and so we started having an argument and he said he wanted me to commit more to him, and let him in all of my life instead of part of it. And I kept thinking I want something to myself, and sometimes I feel everyone is controlling MY life. My parents are always telling me to revise for exams and are always TRYING to monitor what I eat, etc etc. and I dont have time to do what I want to do!

Dont get me wrong though, my family is well layed back I just get over stressed! I can go out and have fun and my parents arn't that strict. But they still control what I can and can't do!
I never want to upset my boyfriend so i'm always thinking about what will make him happy and what will upset him!
But somethings I want to do what i want to do!
So I guess my eating problem.....I can control! I can increase, decrease it. Start it Stop it (though not for long) and...well....do what ever I want with it! It makes me feel good (if I don't eat anything) and lets me get away from things!
What do you think about that?
Do you feel the same?

Post back
Im alwayz here
Love ya
Hannie xxx

That's exactly how it was for me last week. I just got out of school last friday. But last week we had exams all week, so. I would like, eat breakfast (either special k cereal or a bagel) and then go to school and skip lunch cause of exams and stuff, and (i was on my period the end of last week) whenever I came home, I was like ready to eat everything in sight! It was crazy. And what drew my attention was ice cream, like you said for you too. Even though I wasn't really REALLY hungry or anything part of the time, I just wanted to eat, and whenever I saw the ice cream in teh freezer I would like have to have some. It was crazy. I ate so much at once right before my period that I felt so sick and terrible. I was talking to my mom about being more hungry on your period and she said that some people are, and that like when she's on hers she wants lots of chocolate and stuff. I guess its like from all of the "raging hormones" and stuff like that, that makes you so hungry and wanting everything that's fattening and stuff.

Since I've gotten off of mine, I think that I'm in more control than I was on my period. I'm not like running to the fridge every hour to eat icecream or something. lol. I just don't wanna gain wait or anything, i'm terrified of gaining weight.. ugh..

My mom took me shopping yesterday, because I'm going away to this camp for a month over the summer and I needed some dress clothes for when we go out certain places and stuff, and when I was trying them on, I'd come out and my mom would say I looked great, but i'd look in the mirror and always find something wrong with what I was wearing.. either the shirt was too tight and you could see my fat, or it made me look fat, and I just felt terrible. I felt so ugly and fat and.. It was just depressing. Shopping used to be like, my thing, but now.. its like I hate trying on clothes and shopping.

It seems like everytime I eat or drink or something I feel so fat afterwards, and like my stomach is just sticking out and that i'm soo.. ugh..I feel so fat all the time. Why? people keep telling me that i'm skinny, or that i'm not fat or whatever, but.. I see myself that way, and it feels like I am fat. So then I sit there thinking that everyone is lying to me and.. its just depressing.

I know how you feel. it feels like everyone is controlling my life too, or trying to control my life. I honestly don't know if that's what this is about for me, being in control. I'm really not sure.. I've always felt that I wasn't good enough for anyone, and i've always had very low self esteem. When I was late 14/early 15 I had really severe cystic acne, and it was really bad. I always felt bad about myself, like my face, never my weight or anything and..then I went on Accutaine in the middle of my freshman year, and my face cleared up a lot, but not completely. But, by the time I was 16 it was looking pretty good. So, I don't know if acne has just really affected the way I feel and see myself. It's also very hard to please my parents, cause I feel like they are never proud of me, or happy that i'm their daughter. I mean, I could always do better in like everything I do, and they are never proud of me. It just hurts sometimes, when I try so hard and they just don't care. Well, they might, but.. I dunno.

So, what are you going to do about your boyfriend? Are you going to try to commit more to him? It sounds normal and everything, cause that's what my friends boyfriends always say and stuff. I dunno though. I hope things work out with you guys though.

I think I feel the same way you do. I feel so good when I don't eat, or if I don't eat a lot of calories for one day. And.. like having this little secret about my eating problem, and knowing that i can control it.. and that no one else knows and can't stop me.. I don't know.. its a wierd and complicating feeling. Veeeery confusing...

Hey huni,
Tis is my second time at writing this post hehe because I sent the last one and pressed the wrong button and it deleated it URGH so ive gotta now try and remember what I wrote .....*sigh*

Yeh,... I guess I have to commit more to my boyfriend, i dont want to loose him..... i think its more of a boy hormine thing which makes him angry with me and I dont see why.....tho i should pay more attention to him, because im always preoccupied with other friends and with my problems and dont really pay any attention to his problems. It sounds really selfish when I spell it out like that but its true all I think about is this eating thing!

Tooday I have been quite good (for me) on the eating front! I had a bowl of Bran Flakes before my exam and then went into town with 2 of my friends...they were buying baguettes and salads ad things and so I brought a very small pasta salad......I think thats pretty good because I only filled the tub up 1/4-1/2 full! :) .... i was tempted by sandwiches and chocolate and baguettes etc etc but I held my self back YEY!
And we were sat at the park and the ice cream man cam onto the field.....my friends brought one, and however tempted I was I just put my foot down and said NO!!!!! hehe!
But on the way home I did give in to a chocolate milkshake....but nothing too bad!
I haven't had tea yet but I really really really am NOT going to eat alot, ive been proud of myself so far so I need to keep it up!

O My GOSH! you know I said on my last post (yestaday) that I wasn't going to eat much of my tea which mum cooked well..... I ATE IT ALL!!!!!! There was 5 roast potatoes, and honey carrots, sausages and more! I just thought 'well since its on my plate I might aswell eat it' but I just felt SSOOOOOO BAD afterwards...then.....if that wasn't bad enough I had 1 nutrigrain bar, some more chocolate and some yogurt!
NEVER AGAIN! NO MORE DAYS LIKE THAT NONONONOONONONONO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

about 2 months ago I sprained my ankle and had to go to the doctors.......when I was there he asked me...'have you been loosing weight?' and had to weight me (but I now know that my mum had asked him to talk to me about it because I heard her telling my dad :mad: )
But anyways he wanted me to come back after my exams....so my mum asked me yestaday 'you know the doctor wants you to go back? well do you want to see him or a nutritionalist that my friend goes to?' :eek: I DONT WANT TO SEE ANYONE! I guess it might be okay!?! i just dont want them to stop me, Im in the middle of my game! I dunno I might make a thread on it :confused:
Also I was thinking, my exams are over in about 2 weeks, so I have 2 weeks until I have to go to one of them, and in a way I want to look and be really thin for when I go. Is that wrong? Is it bad to think that I want to be stick thin to see a doctor or nutritionalist? Its like I want to prove that im thin so that she/he wont think that im fine! Im so confused about the whole thing and want I should be thinking.

I was sat at the park with my friends today and there were these girls having a waterfight......one of them was really tall and skinny, she was quite bony but not MAJORLY annorexic....she was really pretty.... but my friends stared at her and said she looked really thin (but also pretty)! I kinda wanted to turn to them and show them that I was really thin but am I? I felt like I had to breathe in to look it, but even then its not that noticable......I even feel that I want to look sickly looking so that It will be more noticable....is that a wrong thing to be thinking? hmmm...!!!

So ive put a stop to saying 'it'll be ok if I eat alot today' because I say it every day and then never end up starving myself! So thats it no more holding back not eating!

I know what you mean about the shopping thing! When I come out of the changing rooms now I look at myself in the morror and breathe in to see what the item would look like on if I was skinner.
Ive stopped listening to what my mum thinks, she has got to the point in where she tells me every thing looks good just to build up my confidence....it doesn't work. ... plus Im very fussy with clothes, maybe because I want to be a fashion designer when im older, so I know what I want to buy!

My mum has it in her head that I look at too many fashion magazines and so I want to be like the models in there. It is true I look at many many many magazines but I want to be taller....IM SO SHORT...how good would it be if when you ate you could just become taller instead of fatter (lol) but then I guess there would be these really really tall people walking around instead of overweight people or really really short people instead of underweight people...hehe it would be quite amusing!!
I do want to be a model (though I dont have the height) Ive wanted to be a model since I was 12, im even in an agency but havent had any shoots its soooo frustrating! But I wouldnt say my eating problem as spurred from wanting to be a model or looking at magazines because I dont think about models THAT much and also im more interested in the fashion!

I also get really bloated after eating or drinking.....apprently its because our bodies are now used to not eating so when we do eat they react funny.....wierd!.......but true!

Its complicated Stuff!

How you doin???

Hannie xxx

Hi Troubled,
I just started reading your thread tonight and really kinda watched you develop more of an eating disorder through your posts. I'm not a doctor or anything, but that's what it seems like to me. I just want you to know that I totally understand EVERYTHING you're going through. In fact you sound EXACTLY like me when I first started. Some of your first posts sounded like they would've come right out of my mouth! lol. I'm 16 too and have been dealing with ana/mia for almost two years. I've started a thread, but it's kinda done with. My story is really close to yours. In short, I started out thinking that I'm disgusting and need to lose weight, so I started a diet. I first cut out breakfast, then lunch. I had only eaten dinner for like 2 weeks and lost a lot of weight. But then I wanted to eat so bad that I slowly became bulimic. I would throw up sometimes, then every time I ate, then eating just to throw up. Just recently I got back into ana and lost about 15 pounds in 3 weeks, which drawed a lot of attention. I started cutting, back in Feb. I would, like you, cut to punish myself for eating (and for other stuff too). I realized that I relate so much to you it's weird. :wave: Not to go on and on, but just so you know that you're not alone (I'm sure you already know that) and I'm going through the exact same thing. I'm always here if you wanna talk.

Hannie,

I really hope that everything works out with you and your boyfriend, but I'm sure it will. Guys just get jeolous when they aren't the complete focus of your attention, ya know? Guys are guys.. lol

Hmm.. about the nutritionalist and doctor. Why exactly does your mom want you to go? Does she know about your eating and stuff, or do you think she's just worried? My parents are always threatening to send me to someone, like a physciatrist or something when they think I'm not eating enough, but lately they've kind of backed off, its wierd. Sometimes they accuse me of starving myself, or saying that I'm not eating enough on purpose to make myself sick and stuff. But usually I just laugh about it and say "Are you crazy? Do you think I could actually not eat enough?" And then I guess they believe me cause they usually stop talking about it, but I dunno.

In a few weeks I'm leaving for camp, and I can't wait, not for the experience entirely, but so that I will be so busy that hopefully I wont have any time to eat anything, or just to not eat a lot. Because laying around at home, there is so many temptations, and its so boring at the house... I just do'nt wanna start eating a lot and get like really fat or something. Also, my grandparents are coming to visit, and I'm gonna go camping with some friends in like a week, and I am sooo looking forward to those because I'm thinking.. I can keep myself busy by having lots of fun, and I can say no to food when I'm out, because usually I use the excuse of that food not being in my "diet plan" so I don't eat, and people understand. For some reason its easier for me to say no to food when my friends and family are around, because they all know that i'm dieting and stuff, and sometimes its like I have to prove that I don't eat need to eat a lot, and that I don't have to eat a lot and stuff... its kind of weird.

Usually like everyday I wear pants that are kind of baggy, and I wear these big hoodies everyday, because I'm insecure about my body, and I don't want people to look at me and think "oh, she's fat" or to laugh at me, or to go and talk to their friends about me and how fat I am. So, for like.. 7 months I've worn hoodies like everyday no matter how hot it is outside or anything. And then since I've been out of school I've been laying around the house in my baggy pajama bottoms and big baggy t-shirts so no one can really "see me" ya know, and when I exercise I wear big old t-shirts, cause I dont want to get my good clothes all smelly and stuff. So, I got dressed for my lessons yesterday and I went downstairs with my instrument and bag ready to go, and my dad was like "gosh, your getting really skinny". My dad has like always been calling me skinny lately. I don't think its because he actually thinks that I am skinny, but because he thinks I have an eating disorder or something. I feel that he's always trying to compromise my dieting and stuff... Anyways, I didn't believe him, and then I went to my lessons, and it was the first time in like 7 months I didn't have a big hoodie on (i wore a jacket though, but it was unzipped) and my instructor was like "Are you eating okay? You look really thin, like you've lost a lot of weight... like 15 lbs or something." It really caught me off guard. I wasn't for sure if he was seriuos, so towards the end of my lessons I asked him if he really meant that and he was saying how I was looking really thin, and he didn't think I needed to lose anymore weight. But how do I know that my dad didn't talk to him and make him say that, or something, ya know? My dad could have told him to say that becasue he thinks I have an eating disorder or something.

The other day, one of my "friends" was talking to me about how she thought I had lost a lot of weight, and I was starting to look like I was anorexic. She asked me if I was, and I was like, no... and she was like are you sure and stuff. And she kept asking me what kind of diet I had, and how much calories I ate and like, was i eating okay or was I starving myself. She said that I looked like I had lost a lot of weight, but the freaky part is that she hasn't seen me w/o a hoodie in like.. 7 months like everyone else, so how would she know, unless she could tell a lot from my face and my legs. I dunno, for some reason I have this satisfaction in knowing that people think I am smaller and stuff, so I start thinking that maybe if I lose more weight, more people will notice.

My parents say I need to stop trying to lose weight, because I'm thin enough already or whatever.. So, in order for me to stop losing weight, and maintaining it, I'm supposed to have 1600 calories (according to my weight loss/nutrition calculator) after exercising to maintain my weight.. How am I going to eat 1600 calories? What if I do'nt want to stop losing weight? I dont... I need to lose more weight, I'm still fat, and I need to. Why can't they understand that?

You know how you said that sometimes you want to be sickly skinny so that people will notice. That's how I feel to, exactly.. I want people to notice, and I want people to think I'm skinny. But no one understands. The only person I've told about my problem is my best friend, and she keeps telling me how it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside and that it doesnt matter if your fat or skinny or ugly or pretty and all this stuff. Sometimes I wonder if she says that because she knows that I am ugly and fat, but she just doesn't want to hurt my feelings. And she also told me about how every since I"ve started dieting I haven't been happy. Could this be true? I mean.. I've lost over 15 lbs.... and I'm still not happy. Honestly, I'm just not happy.. why? why am I not happy? I am never happy with myself... I am never thin enough, never good enough....*sighs*

Wow, you're in an agency? That's really cool. I wish I was pretty enough, or skinny enough to do something like that. Good luck with that, I hope it all goes well. Hmm.. so you don't think that your eating problem is caused from you looking at magazines, and wanting to be a model? Maybe not. I dunno. I think my eating problem started with me looking at magazines, and watching shows going "why can't I be like that?" and stuff.. And then eventually all of this bad stuff, and depression happening and me wanting to be in control of something in my life, since I couldn't control losing lots of friends, and loved ones (in death and just leaving to hang out w/ other people).

Since I've been on break, I've realized that a lot of things have greatly affected me. Losing many of my best friends to boyfriends and other people and the deaths of many loved ones recently and me living far away from my family and me not being happy. I realize that its affected me more than I wanted to admit. And I do realize completely that I am not happy. i always tried to fool myself saying I would be happy if I lost like 5 lbs, but now that i have lost over 15 lbs.. I'm still not happy. What's going on with me??

From what you've said about like, getting bloated from eating, and if you don't eat, and then eat something you get all bloated. That's how I feel. Like, whenever I eat, or after a meal I feel so fat and nasty, which makes me want to throw up, or starve myself or something. I don't want to get sick from this eating thing, I just want to be skinny... why can't anyone that knows me understand that? I'm just not happy w/ myself at all... I'm ashamed of myself, and that's why i hide under baggy clothes....

-Troubled

Secrets_07,

I wish that you didn't have to go through problems, but sometimes its a comfort to me knowing that I'm not alone in this, and that there are people like me out there, who actually understand what I'm going through or whatever. Thanks for posting, it means a lot. Yea, I don't only cut myself for eating, sometimes its because I feel nothing, no pain, no joy, no happiness, so I have to feel something.. just to know that I'm alive. I used to think that maybe I was cutting myself for attention, because I would always do it on my wrist, but now, I don't because I don't want anyone to know or see.. must not be for attention.. its for me. I've almost got caught on multiple occasions and had to talk my way out of it by saying "oh i tried to pick up my dog and he scratched me" Or, "i tripped in class and scraped my arm on the corner of the table" or something stupid like that. My friends sometimes ask me if i've "done anything bad" lately and I'll say no, lying through my teeth. Because I've told 2 friends about that problem. I just dont want them to worry, and the other friend i have, she like blackmails me practically saying that if I cut myself she'll cut herself, or that she'll starve herself. She's one of those friends thats out for attention, and it was so wierd with her telling me she was anorexic, and all she did was skip lunch for a week, and she kept telling me that, and I was like.. if you only knew what it was like to really have a problem. I learned that she wasn't really anorexic, she was just telling me that so I'd talk to her more and stuff. She's younger than me, 14, and her sister is my best friend, and she knows that... but sometimes I think that she gets upset when I talk to her sister more, even though deep down she knows that her sisters my BESTEST friend, ya know? So she wanted me to talk to her more by telling me that stuff.. it was just kind of weird knowing that I have a problem, and she didn't know, and... oh this made more sense in my head...

what do you think I should do?

-Troubled

Hey,
That's kinda messed up about your friend who would say she's anorexic and stuff just to blackmail you or get attention. I hate when people think that eating disorders are no big deal and play around with them like that or think they're glamorous (sp?). Well, e.d.'s are NOT fun or cool. Sometimes I do enjoy having this secret that nobody can control but me and stuff, and I feel like it's what kinda keeps me going (same with cutting), but really its no life to live. I am the same way with cutting like you. I did think (and still a little do) that I did it for attention, but then I realized that I didn't like it so I cut where people cant see. To make a long story short, I ended up having to see the school social worker because of cutting and eating disorders, so I have to hide stuff. A lot of s**t happened with that! My life gets so hard with ed's b/c no matter what I do I cant stop think about any amount of food that is in me. Or sometimes I feel so great after not eating for a long time, but then there's those times when I'm so hungry (and yes, especially around my period!) and cant stop thinking about eating. It drives me crazy. Like sitting here now is hard because I've just eaten and I want to throw up. These are thoughts that never leave. Like I read your reply post this morning, but knew that I couldn't sit down and write back because I knew that I had a lot to say but I had to throw up. It's hard to explain, but basically it's controlling my life when I think about it. I've used the dog excuse before but most people who ask don't believe me. I guess I made it too obvious, so that's why I moved off my wrists. I'm sorry that I cant give you very good advise with this because I don't really have any. Atleast with the ed's and cutting. But I can totally listen to you and help you as much as I can with the friend thing because I lost my best friend over this stuff and have new friends who are a big part of my life in dealing with all this. I'll fill you in on whatever you want to know, but I gotta go for now. Talk to you later. :)

Hey hun,

Yea, my mum sorta knows about this eating problem, or at least she THINKS she knows. She thinks that I eat at school, and eat tea with her and eat breakfast when she makes me, but she knows I will skip it if I get the chance.
But she couldn't be more wrong. I can't eat at school....however much I try. If I try so hard, ill put food in my mouth and end up spitting it out or take one mouthful, feel sick, and throw the rest away. I just can't bring myself to eat in front of my friends. I don't do it for attention, i hate those people that think they have a problem when they dont (like you said about your best friends sister). I hate it that people can sit and complain that they arn't eating to get comfort from their friends....its PHYFETIC! The fact with me is that I really can't eat infront of them, it makes me feel so horrible, I dont crave for people to notice that im not eating and to ask why, I just dont want to! If I get the chance I will skip any meal possible.
and I lie to my parents about how much I eat, they think I eat at school but I dont! Ill throw it away or hide it in the cupboard or something!

Unlike you, I find it MORE difficult NOT to eat infront of my family becasue they end up trying to force feed me, shout at me or ban me from going out etc. etc. Though like you, I find it easier not to eat infront of my friends. If we go out for a meal, I normally order something and then dont eat it. Now they don't really ask why, they might say 'are you going to eat that? and ill just say 'no'. They might ask why but I just say im not hungry and then the subject is dropped.

I also find it sooo easy not to eat when Im busy.... so thats what I mainly do.....keep my self occupied so I dont have to think about eating.

I obviously dont no what you look like.....but it sounds to me like you are skinny....you say youv'e lost 15lbs.....WOW! Thats alot to loose. But I know what you mean about not being happy. I always said to myself Ill just loose a couple of pounds under 100 and ill be fine. Now ive lost about 7-8lbs and im not happy....its not as much as 15lbs, but im working on it.
I also wear really baggy clothes for like 3 weeks while I loose more weight and then when im slightly happier ill wear a tighter top, but no one seems to notice that im skinner.....probably becasue Im NOT!!!!! it frustrates me soooo much that i starve and starve and weigh less and less but still im not thinner!!!!!!!! It's a horride feeling to think that ive done this for so long and there's things coming up like parties and going away where I want to be super thin but there's hardly any time left to get that thin! Yeh ok I might not weigh very much but i look like I weigh more! Its so ANNOYING!

What does your mum and dad think about you dieting? If my mum knew I was tring to diet I think she would freak out and say i dont need to and try to get me to eat loads....more or less like she is now.

Maybe you do look really skinny and thats why your instructor noticed.....I surpose it could be your dad telling him, tho is yorur dad and him good friends, because wouldn't it be a little wierd for your dad just to say 'tell her she's looking thin' ? I dunno!?!
I think if people like your friends really do say that your becoming thinner, sit down with your best friend and say....."look...you keep saying im thin, but I dont know if your telling the truth. Please tell me, do you really honestly think im loosing weight? or am I looking the same as i was." Im sure she will understand if youv'e talked about it before. If its just one friend and you are really close (like you say you are) then im sure she will open up and really tell you the truth. She can see that it will hurt you if she lies. Then you'll know, and you can always tell by someones face if they are lying to you or not!
It could work!

I dont get people telling me im looking thin! Becasue really I look no different then I did 4 months ago! I wish I did! at partys I breathe in because i feel toooo fat! Do you ever do that?

Next weekend I am camping at a festival with my friends, and the only way my dad is letting me go is if I drink this wierd medican reccomended by the nutrtionist! Its horride red stuff which I have to drink twice a day! and I also have to eat 3 meals a day, NO CHANCE! If my dad finds out tho that I havent been eating that much I can't go! I have to really hide it from him coz there is no way I can eat 3 meals a day, im barely eating 1!

I have the same satisfaction of people saying im looking smaller so I want to eat less!!!! I dont know why!!!! when I first told my friends about the disorder, they told me how they did notice me not eating and stuff, and how they got really worried when I kept throwing my food away, but instead of that helping me, it just made me want to do it even more because it made me feel like maybe I am getting somewhere with it all!!!!

Again, it almost sounds selfish when I say I want people to notice that im thin, its like I want attention, but thats not how I see it, I wish I didnt have to think about being fat all the time, but I do, and I want people to notice.... I cant STOP thinking about it!

When I first told my friends at the party, some boys were listening outside the door to the whole convi and then one said to me the next day...
'Hey I heard that you were crying upstairs at the party about how you dont eat' and laughed at me! I was sooo upset!! The thing is that its noones buisness apart from those who i have told personally! I cant believe someone can laugh at that! and the thing is that ive been trying so hard to avoid looking like a phyfetic girl who is trying to get attention! They dont have a clue what I really go through, they think they have got me all figured out but they no Jack S***!

Yea, my agency sounds fab! Its nOt! Ive been with them nearly 2 year and I have had NO shoots! its crap! they obviously hate the way I look! it makes me feel s***! and my contract runs out next year! URGH! it really isnt as glamourous as it sounds!

I remember my first year at secondary school......I think you call it highschool !?! anyways....my best friend was soooo pretty and always outgoing but also really loyal, anyway all the boys loved her, but me....well im quite quiet anyway and didnt talk to many boys, they all made fun of me and I went home crying somedays or just feeling really bad. Still now... apart from my boyfriend, no boys fancy me, or look at me much, some make fun of me still! its horride I hate them, i feel soooo ugly! I wish I could just start over! The thing is, my friends that boys fancy are really out going and can talk to anyone and are really pretty.
But im just.......ugly!
I can go around on my own, e.g walk down the corridor or go down to the town on my own and it doesn't bother me! But some people stick to each other so much and dont go out inless they are in a big crowd, and so they get noticed more! I might as well b invisable!
and my 'friends' never call me. I always end up calling them. It sounds like im such a loner! such a wierdo without anyfriends! They would prefer to do things without me! I feel so alone!

How you doing today lv?
Hope ya ok!
Reply
Love Hannie xxx

Hey gurl,
You still around. Just wondering how you're doing. Talk to you later. :)

Hey guys,
Sorry it's taken so long for me to reply. As I said before, my family was coming down to visit, and they took me and my sister on vacation, so we were gone for a few days, and then I have been so busy trying to occupy them ya know, and make sure they aren't bored. But they're gone now, but I'm about to go with my friends to the beach for the weekend, so I'll be gone again.

Anyways, I take back what I said before about it being easier to control what I was eating with my family around, it makes it worse. When I was with my grandparents they kept forcing me to eat, and making me eat every meal and stuff, and they were constantly saying I was starving myself and that I was too thin or whatever. It was really weird, something I didn't expect. I thought I would be happy that people noticed I lost weight, but now I am not so sure. It was really awkward having them force me to eat, and when I didn't eat a lot saying how bad it was and stuff. it was so aggravating! And I was so mad that they kept making me eat stuff. I still ate less than 600 calories (before exercising) but... I dunno.. its so complicating! I've probably gained like 5lbs from eating....ugh.

But, I'm going with my friends this weekend, so.. maybe it'll be easier for me not to eat. Cause usually in front of them, well, I don't like eating ya know? And.. I dunno.. Or, it could turn out bad and they could like go out and get ice cream and eat a lot of stuff in front of me, and then I'd feel wierd. But I guess I could say no. But I don't want them to think that i have a problem, because only one of the friends going with me knows about my eating stuff. So I don't know what I'm going to do... hmm. I started thinking about how bad I've been with my eating lately, and I was trying to gradually eat a little bit more everyday, but then I just end up feeling bad about it and exercising a ton or not eating a lot the next day. It's so weird. Yesterday I had 725 calories not including calories burned during my 1 hr. 20 min. exercise. I felt terrible! *sighs* the reason is because my dad took me out to eat dinner and I had to get something because he thinks I'm starving myself.. oooooh goodness...it seems like with my family around, they kind of control my eating more than when I'm by myself, because they always, well.. they used to just encourage me to eat, but now they are like forcing me.. its so wierd.

Well, I have to go finish packing for my trip, but Ill post again when I get back. I hope that things are going well for you guys. Keep me posted! :)

-Troubled

Hey guys,

ohhhh gosh I know exactly watcha mean about not being able to control eating around family. If I was around my grandparents they wood force me to eat as well, or ask me soooo many questions about why I am not eating.

But.....do you think that this experience made you think that maybe starving yourself is really not right thing to do? I mean you said that you thought that u would be happy if people noticed that you had lost weightl....but now your not so sure.
Could this be a good thing? that your realising starving really isn't all that good and is has far worse problems that come along with it then loosing weight or gaining weight?
I think for me personally I know its stupid and I can tell myself over and over that im silly for starving myself but I cant stop.....do you feel the same?
I dont know! Maybe you should just take this as a learning experience, and gradually start to build yourself back up and eat a little bit more..... though yes, i know, its easier said then done *sighs*! what do you think?

i WISH I could wake up and have at least 1 whole day of not thinking about food!!!! but its stuck in my brain and thats all I can think about.

Today I went shopping with my friends, and didnt eat breakfast or lunch. They brought these pretzel things.... that are like pretzels but are made with
dough and you get cheese and stuff on them. (not so common in england, probably more common in america??!!??) but however tempted I was (becoz they did look LUSH) I said no. and my friend was also there who is struggling with a simalar eating problem (though i dont know much about it) didnt eat either so it was easy for me to say no. Now I have just eaten Quinoa and roasted veg, that mum made for tea, and I had a choc milkshake earlier......URGH im sooooo annoyed!!!!!!!!!!!! but i have exercised today but not for long and it was before I drank the milkshake!
No more food today and I should live lol! Im back to 94lbs again (becasue I ate loads yesterday) im so $£$^%$ off!!!!!!!! I just have to take deep breaths and relax, and since I didnt eat much today I guess ill weigh a little less tomorrow!

Wow your going away with your mates, to the beach, sounds well kool! how long for? Im going camping over night at a festival with some mates tomorrow should be FAB! I cant wait! though there is a river there and apparently their all taking their bikinis, im a lil sacared to, coz I dont look v.skinny! and i soooo want to be!

I was eating tea with my mum today and I was talking about these pretzel things that 'i said I had eaten' or she would shout and get cross, and she said 'im glad your being a bit more happy with food now.' I didnt know really what to say, because the truth is im not, im worse then I was when she was worrid! hmmm...... i want to see someone about it and she was going to make me go, which is a good thing, so I dont want her to be totally happy with me so that she doesnt make me go, but I dont want her to be cross with me and force me to eat all the time and stuff! So im a lil confused! :confused:

I hope your doing ok! Post back when ur back and tell me how the trip went :)
Love hannie x

Hannie,
Yea, its so hard with the eating thing around my family. ugh.. they always force me to eat, or give me these weird looks when I don't and they are always encouraging me or questioning why I'm not eating, or how many calories I've had for the day, or what I've ate all day long. My grandmother actually told my dad that I was starving myself, maybe not completely but in some sense I was. But I talked my way out of it with my parents. And I felt so bad because my mom was like "I'm glad that you stood up for yourself to your grandmother." And she kept saying how she believed me and that she knew I would never do stuff like that. I felt so bad... if only she really knew.

My camping trip was lots of fun with my friends. But I felt so fat! My one friend, she's very VERY skinny. She's also my best friend, the one I was talking about in some previous posts. She has been trying to encourage me to eat more lately and get over this problem, but she says no matter what she supports me all the way. I think yesterday she was trying to tell me that I'm starting to look more like I have a problem, because I was wearing this low cut shirt and she touched the bone that is like in your neck/chest and she said "Gosh your bone is sticking out a lot" and "your really boney there". And then she was saying how my legs were really small. I think she's lost her mind! My legs are not small! it's so wierd with people telling me I'm skinny or that I don't need to worry about calories or that I do'nt need to lose weight or whatever.. because I know that I do and that I'm not skinny. It's so confusing. when I look in the mirror I DO NOT see a skinny person. What if they are just saying I'm skinny so they think i will eat more?

Well, at the camping trip there were so many temptations! But I never exceeded 600 calories (before exercising) so that's good. But I had to practically eat every Meal thrown at me, like breakfast, lunch, and dinner> But I avoided the chips, nachos, fudge, ice cream, etc. that my friends had. Since we were at the beach we did a lot of walking throughout the campground to the campstore, the pool, the beach, and all over the place, and we even ran on the beach for exercise and stuff, so i know that I probably burned off most of what I ate, which is good. When I came home I weighed 110.4 lbs. That really freaked me out, because when I left I was like 114. But that was earlier today, and now I'm back up in the 113-114 lbs. See, I don't even look like I weigh how much I really do.. its so confusing.. why do I have to be fat?

I'm like you, I just wish that I could go one day without thinking about food and calories and fat grams and everything... I just wish that I could eat and not feel bad about it.. I wish I could feel good about myself! I wish this all would just end and I could be healthy, look good, and be happy! That's all I want but.. I just don't know.

I honestly don't feel thin enough, so.. maybe a couple of more pounds wont hurt. But its getting harder and harder to lower my portions of food when my family keeps coming to visit and stuff. But, when I go away to camp (this saturday) I will be gone for 1 month and hopefully I will be really busy and preoccupied so that I wont have time to think about food, or eat. Then maybe i'll look better and feel better. Hopefully they'll have computers at this camp I'm going to, so I can keep you guys updated.

My family and some friends think I'm obsessed with calories. I have this hand held palm pilot that has a calorie calculator and nutrition facts database on it. I take it everwhere I go so that I always know how much calories I burn and consume. And usually I consult the calculator before I eat something.. its running my life, and I know this, but I just can't stop. No matter how hard I try, and how much I tell myself that "Oh today I wont worry about calories and I'll try to eat at least 1000 calores today" or something like that, it always backfires. I either feel really guilty and try to make myself throw up, I cut, or I exercise for a really relaly long time to compensate for the calories I did have.

Why can't I just be happy? My best friend says that every since I started dieting that I haven't been happy.. but .... how could losing weight make me unhappy? I think its more than that.. no.. I know that its more than that. I just dont konw what's wrong with me. I am so sensitive, and I try to take car eof everyone, and sometimes its too much... so many bad things have happened to me over the past few years, and I couldn't control them, or stop them or make them go away.. but this.. I can control this, and no one can stop me! it's something that I have on my own, that no one really knows about.. and I control it....

You know, it kind of sounds like you really do want help, and I think that that is definitly a good thing, and definitly a big step in hopefully a recovery to this. You know? Maybe your mom will let you go see someone, and you can talk to them about it and get better. I just hope that everything works out for you.

Keep me updated, and let me know how you're doing! :) Hope everythings okay!

Much love,
troubled

PS- While we were shopping, my best friend (the really skinny one) wanted to try on some clothes, and she told me to try them on with her, so i did. And she told me to get a small like her, because I'd probably fit in it, and I was like, uh no.. i can't fit into a small. So, she gave me the small anyways, but I took the medium with me. Well, I tried on the small, and it was a little bit around my stomach area.... how wierd is that.. I fit into a small...how? How is it that I was wearing the same size shirt as my skinny skinny friend but I am so much fatter than her! How? this is confusing.... I am trying to make sense of it.

Hey Troubled,

I've got one week to completly starve myself :(! Then im going to have to go to the doctor!!!!!! URGH ARGH URGH!!!!!! Then im going on 'band tour' to Italy with all my friends. There (like you on camp) im going to try and keep myself so occupied that I wont have to eat, tho its going to be sooo hot! But my mum is now threatening that she will tell my teacher that im not eating so that she will make sure I eat when im away! Thats NOT good! Im going to go to the doctor just to make sure she doesnt do that!

I was camping with my friends at a festival on saturday, and one of my friends is struggling abit with food, I dont really know much about it because I havent really talked to her much about it! Im alot smaller then most of my friends....being short at 5ft3 :(! I realise this and im not going to lie to myself and say, im fatter then alot of my friends! because im not really tha much bigger then them. My friends are NOT fat tho! There really skinny, but more importantly they're happy with their bodies. We were putting up the tent, and where we are in England at the moment is 32'C Which is v.v.hot for England, and we were all sweating and stuff.....anyways two of my friends wore just their bikinis. I really wanted too as well, but I kept my top on! Then later all my friends were sunbathing in their bikini's except for me and the girl hoo has a promblem too. It made it easier for me not too wear the bikini since she wasnt....but she sed 'u have a lovly body...wear your bikini.' But i dont know if she was lieing, its SO hard to know.

If your friends are telling you that you really are getting skinny......do you think that mayb they are right? or do you think they are lying. See I think I look no different then I did back in feb! I dont know how im ever going to look skinner. But mayb u do? U just cant see it! Maybe u shud go see a doctor aswell just to see if your friends are really right! WHatcha think?

Wow that calculator sounds really fab! Where do you get them from? I am forever looking at back of packets to see how many calories are in what, but when mum makes tea some things I aint gotta clue have how many calories it contains.

When I was camping, aswell, there were soooo many temptations, but I only ate some bread before I went and some snacky things like a few sweets and crisps and an ice lollie, But i didnt exercise, URGH!

Ive gotta another exam today at 1.00pm which is about 6.30am in america, so im going to go and exercise till then, because I got up early and mum forced a bowl of special K down my throat....WITH MILK, which is like 171 cals! :( :o
Ive got 3 more exams to go now, french, physics and r.e! Then ive got like 10 weeks off YEH :) But its gunna b hard to starve, because my mum is a teacher so she is going to b at home all the time on hol as well, and will make me eat. But mayb if im going to the docotor she will lay off a little.

I know exactly what u mean, about not feeling skinny enough, im smaller then my friends, shorter and a lil skinner then some, but i just dont feel skinny enough, and I dont want to eat!

It sounds like you have been having some trouble over the past years with other issues? Do you wanna talk about them? mayb they cood have triggered this disorder. Dont worry if ya dont tho, i understand. Control is a big thing for me. You cant control what people think, or how tall you are, or what your born into, or where your born, or which group of people are in your year at school. It happens and if something goes wrong then you cant really change it! But weight, well, you can change weight, so much easier then any other thing! thats y im obessed with it. No one knows about it, its mine, and no one can take it away except for me. it makes me feel safe, without it i dont know who i would b. DO you feel the same? .... i think you do, as you talked about it in your previous post, exactly the same way as I wood have put it.

Yeh I honestly, do want to help you. Helping you makes me feel better aswell! I dunno, wierd, but I can relate to what your saying and its good to have someone that I can tell my problems to. I really hope your okey, and that you write back b4 u go away!

Love ya

X Hannie X

Hannie,

Wow! Italy sounds like fun! I hope you have lots of fun there. I don't feel so alone and "weird" to know that theres other people out there like me. Its so weird, because its like everything you say relates to me in some way. And you are so right, it is soo much easier to control this weight thing (to an extreme) when I'm preoccupied, or busy with something. And that's my problem over the summer, is that I am home by myself all day long and I am constantly thinking about food and feeling like I ate too much and stuff. But like these little vacations and going off to camp and stuff, keeps me occupied. But what do I do when I get back? Now I'm starting to want to go back to school, because if I am in school I can't eat between 7:30 a.m. to 3:45 p.m. Unless I eat something small at dinner. But I dunno.. I am really glad to be out of school for a break.

Maybe I should try to go to the doctor. I have a dermatologist appointment next month to follow up to make sure i"m doing okay, but I don't think she would weigh me and stuff. It's like, maybe I feel like Ishould go get weighed at the doctor, and them tell me what they think ya know? Just to actually see if maybe I do need to gain more weight, or if I'm fine the way I am or if its okay to lose more weight. But I dunno. I dont know how to go to the doctor without looking too suspiscious or something. who knows.... Gosh my parents have been saying how I'm looking boney and that I lost too much weight. But then they don't do much about it, so... I dunno. Its kind of wierd. I've been battling "this" for a while now I guess you could say, and many times I've considered telling my parents to get help, but it seems like everytime I consider stopping, or trying to get better, or teling something I end up doing worse than whatever I was doing before I thought of trying to get help. I don't know if that makes more sense, I think it made more sense in my head before I typed it out.. oh well.

I don't think my best friend would lie to me and tell me that I was skinny if she didn't think I was.. I really don't think that she would. But, I don't trust my other friends as much, and some of them have been saying I was skinny every since I weighed 138 lbs, and now I'm in the 113-116 range, and ... I dunno. I don't really trust my other "friends" that much. I have a real issue with trust, and its hard for me to completely count on someone, or to be confident in what they're saying ya know? It's just really hard for me to believe that I'm skinny... I mean, lots of people have told me that I am, friends and family, but when I look in the mirror, I just do not see what they are describing is me. I'm not happy with the way I am... not at all. I am just sooo terrified of being fat! I think I would die.

Well, my dad bought the palm pilot thing for his work so that he could keep up with phone numbers and dates when he was working, but then he bought this software for it or whatever and added the calorie counter to it. If you want to use an online calorie counter, you can use www.caloriesperhour.com. On that site you can keep track of calories consumed, and calories expended.

Hmm.. issues in my life? Well, this year has been really tough. I had this "best friend" for almost 3 years, and over the summer (2004) we were great friends. We went shopping, to the movies, to waterparks, to each others houses, we went out to eat, and she even called me while I was at my grandmothers house, and it was long distance. We were so close, at least I thought. But then for some reason when we came back to school it seemed like her priorities were changing and she kept getting new boyfriends, dumping them, gettign new boyfriends, etc. To make a long story short, eventually she just like completely threw me out like yesterday's garbage, and she never looked back. She just completely abandoned me as a friend and didn't even care at all. I don't think she ever really did care about me or anything, because if she did, then she would have never hurt me as bad as she did..

Then, in November 2004 my band director passed away from a heart attack. He was my most favorite and beloved music teacher, and I loved and cared about him so much. He was actually a teacher I could come and talk to, and he would always help me with anything I needed, whether it was with music, my own problems, or anything. He was great.. the best teacher ever.. and he was taken from me. I still haven't really gotten over that.. I still cry sometimes thinking about it.

Well, then it just seemed like all the friends that I had in middle school (grades 6-8) weren't my friend anymore and I got really depressed, thinking that I did something wrong to make everyone go away and just leave me. Everyone left around the time my teacher died, so I felt so alone in the world (my best friend never left though, she's been by my side this whole year) and it was really depressing to have no one there for you when you are in so much pain. I can't even describe the pain I've been in for months over this. The day after I found out about his death I came to school, no one hugged me (except for some teachers) or told me it was going to be okay.. no one did that for either me or my best friend (she was in that class too and knew him). we were really close to him. And while we were just in so much pain, no one was there to lend a shoulder to cry on. I swear, I sat there in the morning waiting for the school bell to ring for us to go to class, and I was sobbing uncontrollably and no one said anyhing or tried to comfort me..It was like someone had stabbed a knife in my heart and ripped it out as painfully as possible.

So, I guess my standards are too high for a friend. Because I want real friends, and true friends, not those stupid friends that are only your friend when its convenient for them, and only when they want you to listen to their stupid problems, and when they know you wont say anything about yourself while they are talking and... I want a real friend, someone who is true, someone who keeps my secrets, someone I can trust, someone I can talk to and someone that will talk to me, just... Well, lets just say I HAVE found this friend in my best friend. She's the greatest friend, the best.. I couldn't ask for a more true friend. So, I have 3 people that i can honestly say are my true friends. My other friends, well thats all they are, other friends, or my aquaintances. I'm just sick of trying to please people, so.. if they don't want to be my friend then oh well.

My self esteem has really dropped lately. I used to have severe acne in 2003 and then I took this accutaine stuff and it practically went away except for the scars and stuff, but if I wear some makeup (foundation & powder) you can't really see the scars. So I've been really self conscious about my face every since then. I always feel that my friends abandoned me, becasue it was my fault. Everything was my fault. I guess i was just a terrible, ugly, fat friend that no one really wanted to hang out with or talk to. I'm not good enough to have friends.. maybe that's why I really started dieting and stuff was because I felt too fat to hang out and be friends with them I really don't know though.

Okay, i've blabbed on and on enough about myself, more of my "issues" tomorrow.. So, how are you doing? I hope everythings okay! Write back! :)

Take care,
Troubled

PS- I wish that we could communicate through e-mails or something, but I do'nt think you can give out e-mails on this message board.

Hey Gals - Well, I just went through all of these posts. I wish I could tell you everything -- I wish I could make you understand. I have had an eating disorder and I have recovered. It is not impossible, but everything you guys have written, I have felt, and basically everyone else with an eating disorder has too. Eating disordered people develop incredibly alike habits, thoughts, ideas, etc. No joke when I say everyone else knows exactly what you're saying. I know how much you hate yourself, but I also know how much you find yourself looking in the mirror. I know how guilty you feel and how you try to make up for it. I know how you lie. I know how much you hate people ragging on you to eat (they need to know that it only makes it worse).

But here's the bottom line. Telling your best friend or a couple of friends is a great start. It's a start...but it's not enough. You have to get help from a professional. Please believe me - several years of my life were completely ruined because of anorexia. In the short time I dropped weight (and the long time I held it there), I did some serious, serious damage to my body that are causing me so much trouble now. And I know what you're thinking - "It's worth it to be thin/to look like this/to feel like this."

I know saying this is...just saying it. Everyone has to learn for themselves, and whatnot. But that doesn't mean you can't take advice along the way. I've spent months in the hospital and in therapy. Forget the nutritionist for now - I hate going there, too (besides, I'm sure you've already spent hours memorizing food calories and fat and thinking up "meal plans"). But it's so important for you to go to a psychologist, particularly one that specializes in eating disorders, if it is at all possible. I don't know what state you are from, or if you live in a really rural area, but I just can't stress how important it is to get help...soon. You're not crazy, you're not a freak, you DON'T deserve this, and you're certainly not alone.

I don't know if I want help though.. sometimes I think I do, but other times I justify why I am doing this. I mean, its not like I'm completely starving myself or anything. I just limit my calories down really low, and exercise a lot to burn them off. I dunno.. Is it really that bad? Or am I just like... I dunno.. so into what I'm doing that I can't see how harmful this really is?

I don't know if I want help though.. sometimes I think I do, but other times I justify why I am doing this. I mean, its not like I'm completely starving myself or anything. I just limit my calories down really low, and exercise a lot to burn them off. I dunno.. Is it really that bad? Or am I just like... I dunno.. so into what I'm doing that I can't see how harmful this really is?

I do the same thing. Lately, I'm only eating enough to keep myself from passing out or so I can have the energy to exercise.

I just limit my calories down really low, and exercise a lot to burn them off. I dunno.. Is it really that bad? Or am I just like... I dunno.. so into what I'm doing that I can't see how harmful this really is?


Hun, listen to yourself... You're not rational. An eating disorder is mental disorder -- it has NOTHING to do with food. There are chemicals in your brain that are being slowed down or not delivered to their proper place at all - they're causing you to lose sight of reality. The way you see yourself is totally distorted. Your brain creates a narrow mindset through which you see things in black and white: bad or good. There is no grey area.The things your body is going through now are very dangerous, and the damage it quickly created and much of it is not reversible. The damage is not minor either.

I know you may not want to let go, you may want to "hide" yourself and your problems from everyone and be left alone with your "friend." But the longer you do that, the worse life gets. You may be telling yourself life is great because you're thin, or life will be great when you get thin, but you're never happy. The scale number is never low enough. Your bones cause alarm to people, not warmth and welcoming and popularity. People get really worried and they treat you like a sick little bird with a broken wing; plus, you don't have then energy to go out and do the things you want to do. If you think this sounds appealing, let that be an indication of how distorted your mind really has become. Ask someone you trust (who does not have an ED) if they think any of that sounds like fun, and they will look at you like you're crazy.

I'm not suggesting you drop everything and jump into the arms of a treatment facility or anything. It's not like that. No one can make you do anything, and no one tries to make you just give up an eating disorder. Things are always done gradually, so the detachment is easier. I started by just talking to a psychologist (not a psychiatrist). They don't judge, they just listen - they don't make you do anything. And obviously I can't make you do anything either, but if a perfect stranger is worried enough to try to convince you to seek out a helping hand, that in itself says a lot. Please just keep it in mind?

I'm always available to listen or do what I can.

Troubled,

I hope I haven't missed you before you go to camp, because I havent posted.
I hope everything is going well for you at the moment!
It's thundering and lightning outside at the moment (So much for the 2 weeks of 30'C sun we had :( ) Hopefully it will stop by tonight because I have a party in the local common.

Yesterday, It was very very very hot here in England, apparently ment to be a heat wave soon, tho the thunder doesnt help, lol, anyway, I had loads of friends round to my house and we sunbathed in the garden and got out a huge plastic mat and poured fairy liquid and water on it and skidded down it. It was great fun the only problem was, I had to wear my bikini, I was sooooo scared, I looked a little thinner then some of my friends but I was so self consious! I found myself having to breathe in all the time.

AND SIN OF ALL SINS YESTERDAY NIGHT>>>ARGH! I went to a party at my friends house because we have now officially finished all our exams, and well, I got a little bit 'how do you say' hyper and happy, and ended up telling this boy who is really really really nice, (like to talk to and chat to and muck about with) that I had an eating disorder, anyway, if that wasnt bad enough, there were these two other boys there, one who is fab aswell and I dont think would tell anyone, and the other I hardly know! Why did I do such a stupid thing like that!!!!!!!!! The thing is I dont even think I have an eating disorder, do I? I dont know, i know I have a problem with food, and its tearing me up and Im unhappy, but (leading back to your thread title) what attually is annorexia? am I annorexic, i dont look it, tho I know it doesnt have anything to do with if you look stick thin or not, but ARGH, i dont know, i just dont know anymore. I dont know what I am, I dont know who I am, I am
having such a mental breakdown, I just dont know what to do anymore, Im sooo stupid that I let myself get out of control at that party and tell those boys. Im sure it will be fine and they wont remember in the morning anyways that I told them, and two of them im pretty sure wont say anything, but ya know!?! I just hope nothing gets out.
I wonder why I even said that, why why why why? Because I dont really know if I have an eating disorder so why did I even say I have. I dont even remember how I brought it up in the convi! URGH! HELP!
Im soooo annoyed.

.............

Whats a dermatologist?

I think maybe a doctor, could be a good step for you, im attually warming to the idea of it myself, I might even ask him while im there if I should go into therapy or something I dont know. I dont think you would look suspicious if you went to a doctor, he/she would listen to you, and even if their not specialised in eating disorders im sure they might send you to someone who is if you really need it, or try themselves to regain something that you want to happen, like jutifing what your doing.

Thats really messed up about your friend, who just left you. I really hate people that are your friend one minute and not the next, or are friends with you when it suits them, I think its perfetic I know many friends like that, sometimes I just give up, but its hard when you want to be friends with somone, but you keep questioning if its worth it, at the moment I just dont have any energy for people like that.

hmmm, yeh I find it easier when im doing something to not eat. Tho when im on my own, I can just about stop myself. I find it sooo difficult mostly not to eat when my family is around me, I hate lying to my mum about what I have and haven't eaten but I just have to otherwise it would turn out even worse then it already is.

like you, I really want to be back at school properly, just so that I dont have to eat lunch. But then it gets so stressful at school and so when I am there I just want to be at home again. This hol is going to be so hard, I just have to stick my head up high, and do as much exercise as poss. I think my mum and I are going to join the local gym which will be fab.

Its great that you have a really good best friend who you can trust and who will stick by you no matter what. I also have really bad trust issues with friends. I have only just really made a closer group of friends consisting of about 4 that I could tell about the eating disorder. I havent been great friends with them for very long but I feel our relationships is growing stronger everyday. I just dont want to loose them. I dont have a bestfriend anymore it soudns really sad when I type it out but I dont. My best friend in primary school..(age 5-12) was fab but then she moved into a different class in secondary school (age 12-16) and now we have split apart. I still go shopping and things with her, but I dont feel that I can really talk to her that much. My other best friend since the start of secondary school, is still an amazing friend, but once again we have drifted apart, we still go out and I go round to her house, but I have a boyfriend and so does she and I think that split us up a little, which isnt nice. and so I dont feel I could tell her as I would think she would judge me.

I look in the mirror and see me, see a girl fairly skinny, not majorly fat, but not stick thin, and just see me, no different each time I look, there's me, me again, and again and again no difference...ever. and it frustrates me. It first started off with looking at what I eat and telling myslef if I dont stop then I will become fat, maybe not now but when im slightly older, or maybe in a few weeks time. I put off not eating for ages until one day I just said, enough, no more eating. It developed slowly when I broke up with my boyfriend and he went out with someone else, I love him sooooo much, i was soooooo depressed without him, i didnt go out, i cried all the time and lost some of my friends because I was so upset. We got back together after him and his x broke up, but the eating problem still remained.


I used to get bullied in primary school a lot, by one friend in particular, but now we are not friends any more. But it still hurts looking back at it. Then in secondary school my "best friend" was really really nice, but all the boys loved her and I was ugly so they didnt talk to me. I felt she was always getting the attention and the boyfriends and no one wanted me, I felt so alone. since about 1 month ago, I only really had my boyfriend as my best friend. I had no one else. I found myself always calling other people up and asking them to come out or wateva. They would never ask me, and just go out without me, it really hurt, but my boyfriend stuck by me.
But its hard sometimes when you dont have any other friends and all your boyfriend can tell you is........am I not good enough? why do you need other friends when you have me? etc etc

That is really sad about your music teacher. I dont really have a teacher that im really close to like you were with him, so I can only try and understand how you feel. I hate it when people ignore you when you are upset. Its not that we want attention its just that we want some comfort and someone to listen. and its hard when no one is a good enough friend even to do that. I say anyone who wont listen and judges or bitches behind my back is not worth it, i think its cruel and perfetic.

Right now im feeling really down, about what I said at the party last nite, and also i feel really sick. I think maybe if I just went to the loo and was sick I would feel so much better, ill probably try in a minute.
Why do I feel like this? how have I got to stage where I can and make myself physically sick and feel better for it? ive only made myself sick twice, but both times i feel so happy afterwards.

Yesterday I was having a good time with my friends, and they all made pasta salad in my kitchen, I only had a very little bit, but I really just wanted to eat the lot and say....i have no problem with food! But i do and I couldnt! ITS HARD, i just want it to go away

sorry for the rant today,
hope your having a better day then me!
looking forward to here how ya doin.

Lv
Hannie