Where do you draw the line on helping someone that is addicted to drugs?

My brother is a long time addict of pain medication, and other tranquilizer type drugs. He continually finds doctors that provide him with enough pills to kill a horse, but are never enough to satisfy his needs. He has managed to manipulate the system to get it all covered by the state, and no longer works.

He has been living in a community flop house for the past 5 years, and found himself on the edge of homelessness this past week. The landlord of that house has no alternative but to literally tear the house down after they get the last person out of that house.

I have helped him over and over again the past 10 years, but nothing I have ever done has made a difference in keeping him for this continual downward spiral. Everything I have done has been a total waste. I even bought him a car a few years ago so he could keep his job, and he went and sold it for drugs.

This has caused a continuing problem in my marriage, and my husband literally hates him. After several days of my brother calling and crying on the phone, I decided to give him one more chance before he ended up on the street. I told him if he found a place to move, I would pay the person directly so he could get moved. Well, he scammed me again. He altered the money order and was able to cash it. I gave him some cash to get by on, but he took the money order too. My husband is furious with me, and my brother will be on the street after tomorrow.

It just breaks my heart that he has chosen this life for himself. He was a good looking guy, with so many decent friends at one time. He literally doesn't even look like himself anymore.

I would appreciate any suggestions. I just can't help him anymore, but the idea of him going hungry or walking the street just tears me apart.

Thanks,
Sandi

Hi Sandi,
I feel for you. I know how you feel and how much you love your brother. Your only intention is to help him. I always felt the same way about my hubby. I would do "tough love" to a point....but just couldn't leave him to his own machinations. I just knew he didn't make good choices and I felt that I made much better choices for him.

Many years ago we separated for 3 years. He was on a downhill spiral much like your brother and I just couldn't take it anymore. After not hearing from him for more than a year, he called me one day. He was around the corner from my home, all that he owned in a cardboard box, no money, no home, nothing. He was begging and crying and I just couldn't say NO. No more help. So I took him in.

A few weeks later he was thanking me and said, "I'm so grateful that you took me in. I had no where else to go and if you hadn't taken me in, I would have had to check-in to rehab." (A free center in our state.)

I was devastated! I was so sure that I was doing what was best, but it wasn't. He would have done what was best if I had left him alone.

Sort of a dramatic story, but it put things in perspective for me.

THEY have to decide they want help. THEY have to do it on their own. THEY have to want to get better. To me, it seems that however much we want it for them.........it doesn't really make it happen.

I'll be thinking of you. I know you have hard choices to make, and I hope your brother chooses to help himself.

Sandy,

Did your husband ever get cleaned up? It is so hard to see people you care about making the wrong choices.

This time around I don't have any choice but to not help my brother. My husband just won't tolerate me doing it anymore, and it will cost me my marriage if I even consider it, I'm sure.

It seems that your husband at least felt some gratitude to be off the street for that time you took him in. My brother seems to expect it, and isn't ashamed to call the very next day for more.

Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it.

Sandi

Hi Sandi,

I was addicted to Lortab 10.500 for 12 straight years and only quit them 35 days ago,so I know how hard it is to get off them, with this said there isn't much that you can do for your brother, he's the ONLY one who can help in this matter, you might as well not try helping him right now because there might not be any hope for him, I know this sounds harsh and crule but it's really out of your hands right now, let him hit rock bottom, let him roll around in his on puke so to speak, after some time he will wake up and see just how bad his life is and want help, medical help that is, after he's in treatment then you begin to help him get through it but not before you see that he stays put in some type of treatment.
There isn't much you can do for him right now, sorry to see you have to go through this hell.

day 35 4Me

Congratulations on your 35 days! I'm sure it has been a difficult journey to get where you are today, and you have a lot to be proud of.

I appreciate your advice about my brother. I believe that he is going to have to bottom out before he can come to realize that he's on a dead end road. I can't help but to wonder if he may have reached his bottom and been on a better road had it not been for my bail outs. Most likely this is the case because I have been his personal crisis hotline for 10 years now.

If I could get past the visual senerios of him walking the street and hungry I might be able to handle this better. For now though, every time I sit down to a meal I can't eat it because I feel guilty for having food on my table. I hate that feeling!

Thanks again for your help, and best wishes to you.

Sandi

you are amazing. my sister and i know how freeking hard it is what was your motivation? how did you get through the first few days.

you are amazing. my sister and i know how freeking hard it is what was your motivation? how did you get through the first few days.

Sandi,
No, my hubby never got clean. And, in a way, I feel like I cost him his best chance by stepping in and caring for him when he was at "bottom". He's never been that "low" again and has never really accepted that he has a problem.

His theory is: He doesn't drink at work, so he can't be an alcoholic. And this is from someone who went through re-hab decades ago, so he knows better.

When our children were home, even they begged me not to help but to make a new life for us. Sadly, I just couldn't do it. It's just so hard to see someone you love destroying their life.

I wish you strength! You need it so badly to allow your brother to see what his life has become.

You are not alone. My brother has been a heroin addict for at least 10 yrs. I pretty much have the same story you do. He lived through an overdose and still relapsed. Our entire family tried so many times to take him in and help him. Two years ago he was finally arrested. As much as it broke my heart I am so glad. He was lucky enough to go to drug court after serving his time and has been clean ever since. I am more realistic now, he could relapse any day. My point is that you cannot save your brother. When you lay your head down on your pillow at night you can rest peacefully knowing that you really tried because you do love him. Maybe that will help you let go of some of the guilt (which you deserve none of.) We all have free will and he has made this choice. Also, trust me, he is probably not worried about being hungry, he just wants his next fix. Let go, but don't give up hope. Your husband (and kids if you have them) should be your main focus and your brother isn't healthy for any of you...financially, emotionally, physically. Please know I am not lecturing, just sharing my experience. Best of luck, your heart is in the right place and if he ever does clean up he will remember the times that you tried to be there for him and once he's clean he will thank you for the time you weren't. :)

Sandy,
I wonder if your hubby really would have chosen to go into rehab? I know you took him in when he was in bad shape, but it doesn't sound like he was in the frame of mind to make rehab work anyway. All rehab really provides is the tools, and a safe environment to work on your addiction. The person has to come with the idea that there is a problem, and a real honest desire to make those changes in order for it to be successful. Sometimes we just have a split second to make a judgement call on what to do, and just hope it is the right thing to do. I would have made the exact same choice you did. I just can't stand to see someone hurting. My heart over rules my head every time, and I am having the hardest time making that change.

I agree...it is so difficult to see someone make such bad choices. And, it's not just themselves that they hurt.

Thank you so much for taking time to share with me. You've been through a rough ordeal yourself.

Hugs,
Sandi

HJD,
Thank you so much for those words of encouragement. I'm sure that you and your family are all too familiar with the heartbreak of watching someone you love deal with an addiction. Fear and guilt have been my most difficult issues to get past, and I'm sure it's much the same for other family and friends of addicts.

Seeing stories like yours does give me hope. I will continue to hold onto that hope, but for now I'm having to force myself into taking a step back and let my brother work his own life. Even if it's not going down the right road.

Thank you for sharing your situation, and I hope that your brother keeps up the good work. I'm sure 10 years of addiction was a huge battle to work through.

Sandi

Oh Sandi,

What you're going through with your brother is almost identical to what I've been going through with my 18 year old son. Like you, I've had horrible guilt, sadness, feelings that I haven't done enough and if only I'd done this or that differently, he wouldn't be back on the streets right now. Like you, I wonder where he sleeps, what he eats, whether he's in danger, whether he's been beaten up or has over-dosed, and a million other scenarios that keep me up at night and make my pillow soggy with tears.

I can't tell you how many times I've doubted myself, particularly in the way I've handled him over the past 3 years.

I've finally come to the realization that I could throw a million, gazillion dollars at him...and it would never be enough. If I don't give him money, he throws a tantrum...if I do give him money, it's never quite enough.

When he messes up...it's my fault. When he's unhappy...it's my fault. When his electric toothbrush breaks..it's my fault. When he gets a pimple on his face...it's my fault. When he's being chased down the alley by some knife/gun-wielding drug dealer that he got angry...yup, you guessed it... :(

Sandi...as the others have said, only he can help himself at this point. To risk your own happiness and allow him to be the focal point of your life will not change him or make him want to change. What it IS doing is changing YOU...your heart is breaking, I know, but you owe it to yourself and the rest of your family to be a little bit selfish. By selfish I mean, thinking of yourself and your husband first...and concentrating on making yourselves happier. You deserve it just as much as your brother does. The difference is that your brother doesn't want it enough for himself right now.

I always like to think that no matter how old a person is, they can always change their path and turn their lives around. I pray that will happen to your brother and also to my son. In the meantime, I have another son and you have a husband...they both deserve just as much attention as we've been giving to the addicts in our lives. They need us just as much. :)

Actually, my eyes are getting watery right now, because I can feel your pain...I'll check in later when my vision is less blurry.

Until then, here's a big hug from me... {{{{{Sandi}}}}}

Nell

Nell,

I can't even begin to type enough of the right words to thank you today. For some reason today has been a particularly rough one for me to get through, and I really found a lot of comfort from your post.

Addictions are so hard on a family, but when I read your son's age it just broke my heart. He's so young, and has so much life ahead of him. I hope and pray that he will find the want and desire to change his path.

I'm working hard on trying to focus my energy on something besides my brother's circumstances. Right now it's being on the street for the first time that has me so upset. Yesterday we had a huge thunder and hail storm, and I just sat staring out there and couldn't stop crying.

I feel so much like a trapped animal right now. My husband hates him with a passion, and I can't even mention his name in this house anymore. I almost felt like moving out of here, and renting a place so I could take care of my brother. Not that I don't love my husband....I do, but I just figured he could survive without me....I'm not sure Mike will. But, when reality set in....I couldn't do that either. It's not fair to my husband, and he's been more than fair about everything I've done for my brother up until now.

One thing you said about nothing ever being enough was about as right on as a statement could ever be. I just spent 500 dollars on him last week to get into a place to live and have food, and he called me 2 days later needing more. That's when I found that he altered the money order and cashed it. I was heartbroken that he would do that. It was so hard to tell my husband what had happened, but I had to. And as hard as that was, our relationship has never been based on any deceptions, and I just couldn't start now.

One thing that I know is that we can't cause anyone to get addicted to anything. My doubts always seem to be about what I could of done to fix it. I know I can't...but like you mentioned, those doubts still creep in there. I'm sure you are a wonderful person, and mother. If people are going to do drugs or alcohol...they are going to do them, and as I'm finding, they don't care who they hurt in the process.

Do you have any contact with your son now?

Nell, thank you so much for sharing your heartbreak with me, and your wisdom. It couldn't have come at a better time for me. I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts, and we can share my big old box of tissues too.

Hugs,
Sandi

Sandi...okay kiddo...pass me that box of Kleenex...I think we're both gonna need it! LOL

I have to admit that the biggest heartache in my entire life has been the drug addiction of my son and what it has done to his life. I've survived marriage and divorce, births and deaths, major health problems and everything in-between...but NOTHING has ever affected me like this did.

I can honestly say that it rocked me to the very core and was the worst pain imaginable. I literally used to pray to God to take me instead of him. You know how you do that bargaining stuff like "please God, I'll gladly shave a few years off my life if only You would make my son all better"?

I know how much you must worry about your brother's survival. I know how he needs you so desperately and that if you hadn't been there to bail him out on so many prior occasions...God only knows where he'd be today. I can also relate strongly to your feelings about your husband being able to survive on his own, but your brother not being able to. You want to help and support the weak one. You don't want him to get hurt. You just plain love him.

While endlessly thinking about my own son (coincidentally also called "Mike"), a question struck me one day. That question was: What would happen if I died? Okay so I have two sons and my estate will be divided equally. Son #1 (Mike) would likely take his inheritance and quickly squander it. I'd give him a week, tops, before it would all be gone. Son #2 would likely take those monies and turn them into a million dollars.

Further along this morbid train of thought...I took it one step further and asked myself...okay, assuming I am dead, Mike's already blown his inheritance, there's no more money, there's no more Mom, there's no family support because everyone else has long since given up on him...what the hell is he going to do now? And while I was alive, what did I do? I may have allowed him to continue on the same path and hoped and prayed I would be able to protect him forever. By doing this, I just wanted to ensure that he would never have to worry about anything while I was alive...but sadly there's no guarantees about one's life span.

Both Mikes have got to learn how to rely on themselves. They have to stand on their own two feet sooner or later...because eventually those are the only feet they'll have to stand on. We can't protect them forever and if we don't push them from the "nest" while we're still alive and able to support them as required...they will NEVER get up on those feet and sadly, it won't get any easier for them once we're gone. :(

Gosh, Sandi, I am so sorry for rambling on and on...as you can see, this is just as much a passion for me as it is for you! LOL :)

You sound like such a wonderful, caring, thoughtful and intelligent woman. It shows in your posts. Again, your heart vibes are coming through loud and clear and for some reason to me, your pain is almost something I can touch.

We "lovers" of addicts also need to take things one day at a time. And we also need to cry sometimes. I'll cry with you, if you'll cry with me!

Biggest hugs for you Sandi.

Nell
:)

P.S. Oh by the way? Here's your box of Kleenex back...I only used half of them! :D

Nell,

I found it very interesting about your sons being polar opposites like that. My brother and I are also. In fact, as children we weren't close at all. I am 3 years older, and he was just a pain in the butt when I was a kid. The fact that I took on this caretaker role with him as an adult is actually quite surprising. It's hard to imagine how kids in the same family, with the same parents growing up can turn out so differently.

I thought about you today while I was at work, and couldn't begin to imagine the pain it must bring to be the mother of an addict. Sure, it's similar circumstances that brings us together, but I somehow felt a whole deeper level of pain might exist for a mom. I felt that even more once I read about the other events that you have endured along life's journey, and how different your son's situation was in comparison.
I hope and pray that your Mike will wake up and see what he has for a Mom. (Big Hug inserted here)

As much as I miss my parents, I am just thankful that they both are not here to witness any of this.

You are an amazing person, Nell and you have really gotten me through a few rough days. I couldn't find a better person to share kleenex with, that's for sure!

Hang in there girl. We are going to get through this.

Hugs,
Sandi

it's always hard to let go of the ones we love. Unfortunately, the only way he is going to see the light is for you to let go! Turn your back on him until he sees the light! Only he can want to be helped and it sounds like he doesn't want the help by the way he is deceiving you. You have to do it to help him! I'm sorry if this sounds rude but I was doing the same thing to my dad and when he turned his back on me for deceiving him, I finally saw what I was in danger of losing and wanted help for myself! I will pray for you and your brother! I am here if you need to talk!

Tony B.

Tony,
I'm still in the learning process, and it's been very hard for me to make those changes that I know I need to make. My brother being on the street is much harder for me to handle than his drug use. Even though, it's his drug use that put him there.

Unfortunately the only real help my brother wants right now is for me to support his drug habit, and I'm no longer going to do that.

Thanks for giving me hope that things really can turn around if the person wants it to.
I really appreciate your input.

Sandi