I'm 25 years old and have suffered from bouts of depression since the age of 19. Earlier this year I was in the luxurious position of not having suffered for nearly two years. It hadn't been easy but I felt like I'd beaten my demons. I had a marvellous job where I was liked and respected, was being put through part time uni by my boss, was learning to drive, had just moved into my own gorgeous flat - life was on the up.
The something stupid happened. It so stupid and minor that I can't even bring myself to admit it to this board, to strangers. In the space of a few hours I felt 'the black dog' on my shoulder again. I tried to kick it off but then something else stupid happened, then I lost two relatives in a short space of time. Then my hamster escaped. And you may laugh, or accuse me of bein flippant but that was the straw that broke the camels back.
My GP put me on prozac because I was doing a couple of different self destructive things, plus screwing up my oh so wonderful career by being, in short, useless. They didn't work so he upped the dose and I took a few weeks off work to let them kick in.
Last Monday I went back to work and very understandingly they'd lightened my workload, said I could take a backseat until the time comes to start uni in Sept and then we'd look at the situation again. I know I should be grateful but I feel like I've failed and I guess thats where my thread title come in. See, in some ways I think maybe I'm not up to the job, that I should just go back to doing admin and stop pushing myself but, by the same token, wouldn't that be giving into the depression? And if I do that this time and it goes away whats to stop it coming back next time something big happens in my life... like motherhood.
I know I shouldn't be focussing on something that is in all likelyhood years off but I'm obsessing about it. All I ever wanted was to be a mum but now I'm frightened I can't be. I don't think seeing the film 'About A Boy' helped - I know I'd be a brilliant mum when I was ok and on a good level but if I got like this again I'd be JUST like Toni Colette's charater.
Does anyone else feel like this or is anyone on here a mum balancing depression with her kids?
I can't even talk to my own mum because she doesn't accept I have a problem - she thinks anyone with a life my good should be grateful and get a grip of themselves.
Sorry this is so long. Its unusual to have someone to talk to.

I too juggle motherhood with depression. I also take Prozac, but it really doesn't seem to be doing me any good. My main concern is my depression affecting my children. And you should see what it has done to my five year relationship. I constantly feel over whelmed, and like I am no good in the world. I now hate to fix dinner for my family. I have totally let everything go in my house, I am a former clean freak. I have been struggling with this for a while now, but just recenlty sought help when I had no desire to go on in life. I have always been really passive, imo, due to being raised that my voice was not to be heard. I recently quit a job due to the way I was treated on a daily basis... and later realized being treated as such triggered things I had surpressed while growing up. Then came anger, so much anger I couldnt even sleep due to the nightmares of those memories. I was taken to the hospital over this, and told that I needed to check myself in for a few days, I agreed. But soon backed out, once I walked beyond the large grey doors, leading to the unit. Scared me to death. Now I am regretting I changed my mind. But I also know my longtime bf is sick to death of me, and I do not want to bother him with this any longer. I think I drove him to get into an out patient program for himself. Boy does that make me feel better... not. Life my is spinning out of control. And those of us that do not have health ins must wait longer for help.
Amazing how venting makes one feel better... man, I could vent for days... :rolleyes: , lol.

Hi,
I juggle motherhood with bipolar disorder. My tends to be on the depressed side. It truly is a constant battle. Somedays it is all I can do to tend to myself, much less a little person. Medication helps so much!!! It is not an easy task and I know some days my daughter is burdened with me, but I think about my childhood i can't remember it being unhappy and I know my parents weren't/aren't perfect!
It is scary and hard but I think you will find that you are up for it. I certainly wouldn't give up dreams of having children on the chance it may cause you to become depressed. Like I said medicine really helps. It will also help that you know you have a problem going into it so you can be on the lookout for symptoms and get help when you need it.
Anyways, I guess my point really is I wouldn't trade my daughter to be mentally stable. I think the fact that you are concerned should show you that you'll be a great mum. Good luck at uni and consider yourself blessed to have the job you do! I wish you the best!

Hi, hun. I am a depressed mother of two, and personally, if I could do it all over again, I would've gotten my depression under control before having children. With depression, it's hard enough for us to take care of ourselves, let alone anyone else. When I got pregnant with my daughter, I thought she'd be the "cure" to all my problems. She was the one that would ease my lonliness. She'd be the person who would love me unconditionally. She'd give me focus. She'd be my reason to live. And, while she was (is) all these things to me, she did not lift my depression. She couldn't change my chemical make-up. My son (second born) is the light of my life, yet he can't stop the tears from coming. Though they're both blessings, and I would never, ever give them up, they can compound the depression greatly. My son is two and he makes it near impossible to do anything fun outside of the house. It drives me crazy, as I'm stuck at home all day, and then he makes my out time unpleasant. My daughter can say the most hurtful things at the worst of times. Long ago, I actually slit my wrist because she told me she wanted to live with her Grandma. Nothing could've hurt me worse than her telling me she didn't want to live with me. Plus, the depression is unfair to them. I can be very impatient. I can snap over tiny things. I don't have the energy to play with them the way I should. On my worst days, I can forget to change a diaper for hours, or forget to give them breakfast. It's not because I'm a bad person or a terrible mother--it's just what depression does to a person. On the contrary, I love my children very much and am constantly trying to do what's best for them, but I feel the depression keeps me from being the mother I could be--the mother I really want to be.

Very much like you, all I really ever wanted was to be a mommy, and I really think you SHOULD be a mommy, but I would suggest trying for stability, first, and then having a child. I think there are medications that are safe to take during pregnancy, and if not, there are supplements that can help with depression. Once you become a parent, there may be lapses, but there are ways to get the depression back under control, and in the meantime, you just do the best you can with what you have. My daughter (son is too young to understand) has been educated about my depression, and she understands that mommy just cries sometime for no reason--or that mommy sometimes gets more upset than other mommies would about the same thing. I think talking to her about my illness and helping her understand what's going on, helps her to know that she's not the cause of my unhappiness, and that I do not choose to feel the way I do sometimes. I think if you decide to have kids, that it could be helpful to be as honest as possible with them about your depression, so they do understand when mommy is having an "off" period.

I'm sure you will be a great Mum! :) Don't let depression kill your dreams--kill the depression.

Hugs,
EoR