..........

man apart.

i can relate to what you are feeling.

it doesn't even matter, for me, that i have a somewhat attractive physical appearance. It didn't stop my husband from moving on to look at more beautiful woman, and to decide he wanted nothing to do with me. i still believed him when he said he thought i was the most beautiful woman, i guess i was so hungry for someones love and approval i bought into his lies about his feelings and bought it hook, line, and sinker. now i'm here alone and misreable, and i feel ugly. i have a chance for a new job instead of being stuck in the corporate slim hole i currently work in, and it is taking every little bit of strength i have to go take the test tommorrow, i have no support right now, from anybody. on top of that i'm trying to heal from the last 4 years, from everything he did and said and made me feel. it is hard. somedays i feel so burdened by all these emotions, or i feel nothing at all, just numb. the sad thing is i'm a mess from being sick all these years, and i trusted him to be there for me. I TRUSTED HIM. he humiliated me, and told lies about me behind my back. he hit me shoved me, cheated. i was a depressed person who meant nothing to him. how does a man marry you and then you mean absolutely nothing to him? it seems like some sick joke. i wake up out of a nightmare(what a way to wake up to each new day) and wish this wasn't life, and i was happy, confident, smiling. all he wanted was a smile. i couldnt even muster that for him. i guess i let him down in everything, and i let myself down. i took a chance and i blew it. i have nothing but myself. but i am the worst person to be with, in my opinion. i hate having to listen to all these voices telling me things about who i am everyday. not literal voices, but inner feelings and thoughts about myself i can never shut off. i want love, but i'm afraid to go get it now. who could i trust? at least before i had the hope of a happy life and relationship now that dream is gone forever. i couldn't trust another person.

i know what it is like to wish for somethings that other people take for granted. i have felt like the person that has just had to sit and watch the world go by. watch other people be happy. i've come to a place of acceptance(is that what it is?) or have i just given up.
and decided that the only place for me is alone and then i can relish the solace and peace i can find, instead of always having to try to meet these demanding peoples expectations for me. and failing everytime.

It is simple: You must find what makes you TRULY happy and no matter what occurs-live it. I know what you are going through and it is awful/evil. It is beyond depression, and it is called reality. I too wonder why God, which I think exists, would do such cruel things to people. I remember when I was TRULY happy, it was when I was young, around 10 and 11 years old or younger. I remember feeling as though life was perfect and nothing was impossible-GOD what I would give to go back AGAIN!

Anyways, for more than a few years now I've had some minor vision problems along with depression and anxiety, and that is when it all kind of started to fall a part for me. Not was the case when I was younger. I never comprehended how bad things can get and how miserable life can be.

I think that what you are going through will bring you closer to another, more pure form of life, even after this one. I don't think it will be hell either, if you believe in God and believe in better worlds and days.

Perhaps we met before? I walked to the gates of hell after living with a maniac for four years, and suffering mental and physical crultey beyond imagination, when I got to the gates of hell before I took that final step over the fresshold and was lost forever , I stopped and asked myself these questions.
1.was this meant to be?
2.Was I so bad that I have to end this wonderful gift of life?.
3.Did I really want this.?
I could only answer 'no' to all, I wasnt bad, it was the life I was leading that was bad , so I decided to changed the way I lived, my whole existance and walked away from those gates.
I will not tell you to look on the bright side, but I will say to you this ; our family crest has a motto on it , it reads in latin 'NO SURRENDER' ; (this house will not surrender )may be this is what pulled me through , why should I give up , why should I not do what I want to do, why should I not find real love.
Being alone, not shareing your hope, dreams, desires with someone you can trust is a nightmare of an exsistance, but you will only find someone who really wants, needs, loves you if you look. You say you are not ugly or plain............I am no oil painting, beauty queen or even tall and slim, I am crippled with R.A have heart problems (and god knows what else is waitting to come out and polish me off ) but I attract people by this 'strange air about me' people tell me its a number of things,
Confidence ( I hate meeting new people) I smile a lot ( better this than crying as the mascara runs!) I always listen to people ( cant run away as the R.A wont let me!)
And always willing to help out ( never know when you'll need it back )
I do put on a show for people, but isnt that what lifes about? dont we all want people to see us at our best?
I know when I was committed, oh! sorry forgot to tell you I was sectioned and held against my will for some weeks before I walked out a different person ( no drugs, nothing)
As I said , I stood at the gates..............please dont open thoses gates, leave them closed and come back to us and talk.
You say that people think you are a good writter? Hello ,fellow man of the pen ( well lap -top ) so am I ! !
Do as I am now doing put all your thoughts into a book .............. think back to your childhood, youth, middle years ( sorry not sure how old you are) and draw hope from these years, I'm writting a funny book about all the mishaps in my life and it MAKES me laugh writting about it all.
There is always someone out there worse off then us, yes I know people say this all the time, but it is true isnt it ?
you will live as long as you want to , your life isnt hanging in the balance because of a terrible illness.
You can talk as long as you want to, you dont need someone to tell others what you are saying.
You can walk about at your will, no one has to tell you they cant make it when you want to go out.
Isnt just the fact that you can walk, talk and live you own life , while others around us fall in pain , unwanted by others because of some terrible death bringing condition enough to start with ? to start thinking that from this day forward 'I will not surrender' I will not let my depression win , I will fight the b*****d all the way .
You have my hopes, thoughts and love with you, and as 'laird' and head of my family I give you the right to go and scream at the top of your voice for all to hear 'I will not surrender' .
Then you must rethink your life and get out more, do more see more,join a book club, a sports club ,a dog walking club anything you can think of or afford and meet people , talk to them............god ,you dont know how many people are just like us out there , wanting someone to talk to, to share life with, to be happy with..............go and find them...........try......please?
Crazy as a fox.......hole in heart XXXXXXX

What about Roselyn?
What about us? Please don't forget.
If the inside didn't matter, none of us would care. Do you think if we saw you, we'd turn you away? Of course not, Rod.
If I made suggestions that could possibly help (involving taking pills) would you try?

Hugs & Love,
EoR

God I sound stupid. I should never post after Ive had an anxiety attack. I don't even sound like myself. Or maybe I do. I don't know. My anxiety is at its peak. My depression is in a really bad stage right now. Code red. Suicidal. I want to call my sister and tell her to hide the gun under her bed. But I cant seem to. Having to many thoughts. Too many preminitions. Itll be like locking the door on myself. Its my only way out. But I cant. My mind has a mind of its own. Its like something takes over you. Bodysnatches. I can't control it. I'm submerged in my own fury and envy. Furious at myself. Just because. Just.. because in some way I know its all my fault that my life turned out this way. I can sit here and blame abuse, and rape and depression, and fear, but I fed the beast year after year. I let it go from bad, to worst, to hopeless. Now im swallowed hole. I'm furious at my family. Im sickened and hurt by them. Its so weird. My father seems like the most giving, generous man in the world. And then one day I walk in and see him having sex with my sister and everything I thought I knew and loved just shatters. I get these memories of things I saw when I was young that I wasnt able to understand then. When I caught them both in the bedroom naked together. When I caught them in the shower together. I finally catch them having sex and everything just hits me all at once. This has been going on for my entire life. Theyre inlove. I can hear them giggling and whispering to each other. And my poor mother is sleeping in the same bed with this monster, and I have the entire burden of guilt on my shoulders to basically destroy what little of a family I do have. I envy everyone. From the most beautiful person I see on tv to the cute grocery sacking guy all the girls flirt with at the store. I read that there is a phobia of ugly people that exist. That explains alot. Especially why so many people hate me. I think I have a phobia of beautiful people. Because everytime I see someone beautiful, which to me is basically everyone, I have a anxiety attack and crawl back into my hole where I belong.

It doesnt even matter where and when it all went wrong. No reason to look into the past for answers. How did it get so bad. I know I was tortured, raped and abused but, I could have did something. Its my fault. No reason to throw the blame around to anyone else but the person I look at in the mirror. Its just, Im tired. Im tired of living this way. At what point did it get so bad that I cant even walk out of my own house. You know I can accept pretty much everything thats gone wrong in my life. But I cant accept the fact that I cant do anything to improve my life right now. Yeah being ugly is a curse in its own and itll always hamper me in many ways throughout life, but if you asked me if I could be beautiful and fearful or ugly and fearless. Id rather be ugly and never know the meaning of fear like I do now. My anxiety is an immovable object. How can I function when Im having panic attacks daily. They all feel like earthquakes. And throughout the day I suffer through the aftershocks. Its constant. Just constant. I can feel it everytime I take a breath.

Feeling ugly and being ugly is two different things. I feel ugly and I am ugly. I know why the world is so heartless. Because putting your heart into the world is a dangerous risk people take everyday. Its easier to be cruel and cold. To have a bending light around you like a forcefield. The type of person that doesnt care if they get dumped. Cos they dont allow themselves to love. They treat love as just the temporary thrill they get when meeting the newest hottest, cutest person they can find. Its on to the next new thing. I knew a guy who slept with over 75 women in his life. He told me Rod, do yourself a favor and never fall inlove. I told him how can I do that? Is there anything in this world more beautiful than love and family? He told me it was very much overrated. I asked him what about his heart? He told me he has no heart. Oh I only wish my over sensitive weak a*s could be cruel and uncompassionate. But everytime I try I just hurt myself. And im just reminded of the little boy I once was that grew up in a cruel enviroment.

I don't know. People say they want love and trust. But they want love and trust wrapped up in a pretty package. What im going through right now is indescribable at times. Im sick mentally but, its not really taken seriously. Id be better off brain damaged because I wouldnt be aware that im suffering. The worst thing about me is I can't accept it. I just can't. And to be honest, I shouldn't have to. I care about what God does to me and what he thinks. But Im just not worthy of life. Im not good at being human. I have absolutely no desire to be in this world. I was a mistake.

Happiness is not obtainable, even to the happiest person in the world, even they wish they could be happier. The richest man in the world wishes he could be richer. The most beautiful woman in the world wishes she could be more beautiful. I have a very low chance of being happy and finding a shred of happiness in life. Im ill, im ugly, im overweight, im black, and I live in a superficial world.

I'm not naive to think that life is a gift to everyone. Its not. Life is not precious when you have to live this way. There are people in this world that have absolutely nothing to live for and will never find hope in any corner of the world. All you can do is try and exhaust every single possibility, then you fail time after time and realize, its not going to happen. Then what do you do when you wake to that realization? Faking a smile never worked for me. Im still ugly. What pleasure and joy should I take by knowing there is someone out there even worst than me. Yipee. I only feel for them more than myself. Im not saying I give up, im not saying I quit. Im screaming I surrender.

I think I'm veering towards the dark side. "Come back to the light." I sound stupid. Im just another seething soul.

Oh, Eor. I feel ashamed you had to read this. What about Roselyn? Well, what about her? Shes the sweetest you know. She gave me a beautiful dream. She gave me hope. She kept me from killing myself. But in the last few weeks Ive realized she was only prolonging my death. Who am I kidding. Im not going anywhere. My tickets arrived last thursday. $2,780. A complete waste of money. I cant walk around in my neighborhood let alone fly 10,000 miles to her. The reality is, shes too far. 10, 000 miles, $1,300 and 35 hours of anxiety and fear away. I have to be realistic. And trying to believe I could ever be with her isnt. Shes basically a prisoner of the Philippines because she cant even take a vacation anywhere outside of her country. Its sad. You have to have to be rich and give the goverment collateral and reason that youll return. I cant petition her. Its near impossible to become a U.S. citizen nowadays with everything thats going on. Its not good to hope for things you cant have.

I dont have any real friends. I wish this board could suffice but this could never be my entire social life. I would be too much of a burden to everyone. I dont knwo if you could suggest something I havent already tried, but im all ears. Id drink motor oil if someone told me if decreases anxiety. Clonazepam doesnt even put a dent into my anxiety. Everytime I take it I just sit here waiting to feel something. Id try it of course. Oh im sorry you have to see me this way. I have to go.

I have been where you are, and I really feel for you. If I could reach out through the computer, I would.

Man Apart,

I don't even have anything to say that will make you feel better. It seems like you've had a really traumatic life, my heart goes out to you. I just wanted you to know that people DO care and not everyone is obsessed with appearance. There are many GOOD people in this world who are kind and caring and don't care if you don't look like a male model.

Also, consider this, most people who get attention for their beauty WILL lose it some day and boy, when it hits them its gonna hit hard. While beauty might make you feel validated for a few years of your life while you're young and cute, deriving self worth from beauty is a dangerous way to live.

It seems like you have a lot of demons to exorcize. Are you in therapy or at least talking to a sympathetic friend? The things you've talking about are horrendous, you shouldn't have to shoulder those memories alone.

I wish you well.

Roselyn--purpose, meaning, love--loving you. That's "what about Roselyn." Doesn't she signify these things?

As far as what I can offer for help, is that I've read a lot about dealing with depression naturally, and I can give you suggestions. It basically entails diet and taking vitamins, supplements, and herbs to deal with not only depression, but anxiety, fatigue, irritability, etc. I have a strong suspicion you're hypoglycemic, and hypoglycemia can be a major player in depression and anxiety. The most important thing one has to do to combat hypoglycemia, is to alter their diet. If you're interested, I will give you a list of do and do not eats. Then, there are vitamins that will also aid in serenity. I would be happy to grab the book and fill you in on all of it if you think it's something you'd try out. If you've already been there, done that, or you don't have much faith in it, I understand. Just know that I want to help.

Also, my boyfriend loves to research geography, politics, etc., and he'd be happy to help get information about the Phillipines and US citizenship. There has to be a way. We're both willing to go the extra mile to see you happy.

I love reading your posts--don't feel ashamed. You never sound stupid. You sound like the rest of us, sad, anxious, hopeless and needing a place to go for relief.

You have real friends, sweetie. I'm your friend. Well, I consider myself to be your friend. I know this board can't be your social life, but there are still people here that care for you and want only the best for you, and I am one of those people.

Please let me know how I can help. :angel:

Love & hugs,
EoR

I'm a bit confused by some of the things you say....You may be ugly but why are you a waste? You do have a poetic way of writing. Do you know how many teens out there that feel this way? Too bad you couldn't make some kind of a journal of your struggles to show them that the things you think are somewhat normal. I am "beautiful" I have all the things you hate people like me for. I have to disagree on your friends statement that a family and marriage is over rated. It's not. It is wonderful. But it doesn't get handed to you because your pretty. My husband is a full blown alcoholic and I am raising three children....struggle? You have a different struggle...try having THREE little ones depending on you and YOU don't even have any directions in life and how to survive this world. You speak about God.....do you really know him? It doesn't seem as if you do, you sound like your a "seeker" which is what I am. I would suggest trying to find some kind of a christian community as far as church or churches on line. I didn't have a focus until I started to go to church. I have questions as to why God puts me through things that I feel like I can not handle. I have to tell you though if your NOT sure there is a God and you think this world sucks...you may have a BIG surprise on what HELL is like (if there is one) Do you really want to take the chance on that? I am still seeking answers and that's ok. I had to take my weakness and make it a game or challenge to try and over come them. NO ONE can make you happy, only you can do that. IF your dead set on giving up then that's what your going to be. I am pretty and I can not say that I would not be friends with someone who was ill, black or ugly...who cares about that? Some do..but those are the people who are not happy with themselves. My mentality has changed over the years, when I was younger I thought "oh, I only hand out with the pretty people"....I'm 33 now and it's not about all that. I think my children taught me a few things. Your beauty is in your words, as depressing as they are, they are touching and real and powerful. IF you've decided that depression is the way you want to live then that's what your going to get. You do have a choice sweet heart....to change. Your definitly not weak, your words are too powerful to be weak. You know it does suck that you were abused, you have to find a way to work past that...it doesn't have to haunt you or ruin your life. As far as your sick father, I have to agree that it would be devastating to put it lightly. You were very strong to not retaliate on your father. (again that shows strength) It's sad your sister is weak. Children learn what they live....so it's your choice to reprogram yourself into thinking a different way. IF I would have killed myself back when I was younger I would have NEVER experienced the things I have now. God doesn't torture you, he tests you, he whispers to you..it's up to you to hear him. You need to stop fighting him....start talking to him and maybe one day you will accept him enough to say "God, I hand over all my burdens to you" and you will be able to start new and let God handle all the crap from your past. IF your overweight...start small and make some decisions to CHANGE...there's that big scary word "CHANGE". You have to reprogram your mind. Your not a monster or a freak...your still mentally a really hurt child...a child that did NOT deserve what you were dealt..you didn't deserve it but the fact of the matter is it happend and you have to find a way to move past it. There is a way its just going to be a journey to find it. Death isn't the way.....hell is torture beyond anything you could ever imagine..do you really want to take that chance? Suicide is a sin and is a one way ticket to hell. Again...I see strength in you...if there was a magic pill I could give you to see it I would. Only YOU can do something...start small. I could give up alot of days too. I've been in your dark place and that's exactly where the devil wants you to be. I'm not a holy roller or anything but I think you might find what your looking for in God. I hope to read more from you. Your not ugly, ill, or black on here so I hope you keep coming back. ^i^

Man Apart

In your thread of January 19, 2005, entitled "Hope is shattered" I suggested you take some magnesium against your anxiety and suicidal ideations ? Have you ever tried ?

http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=243848&page=6&pp=5

If you don't try and write how you feel after I will skip your posts because I will consider you are not looking for solutions.

rose_5-HT

Hi Man Apart :wave:
I have to echo what Eor said. You aren't different from the rest of us. We all have our own demons to battle and I DO care about you! Every excuse you are coming up with not to go to meet your true love, I am sure you can come up with one that is positive. You can't give up before you even get started. You had hope or you woudn't have even ordered the tickets. You can do this! You can overcome your fears and go meet your true love! Maybe Eor is right about the diet. I am thinking more on the lines of Xanax. Has your doctor prescribed anything other than the Klonopin, Atarax and Buspar? I have had some good results with Xanax. I know some doctors won't even prescribe it. But this is ridiculous...you are having some major anxiety attacks and it sounds like you need some major medications. You can't just give up on your dreams. So quit giving all of the excuses for not going and come up with just as many ways that you CAN and WILL go! I don't like to see you in all of this pain. Because I know what pain feels like. I know the isolation that comes from the anxiety. It sucks! It isn't fair! But who told you life is fair? I wish someone had told me years ago or at least warned me that life sucks and isn't fair. At least I would have expected it instead I felt like I was blind sided by it. We may even have to resort to the tranquilizer gun! You deserve to be happy! You can't just give up so easily. You have to fight for your dreams and your happiness. So your dad and your sister are having sex...that is not your fault. You didn't make that choice...they did. Quit holding yourself responsible for their mistakes. You can't go back and change what happend yesterday or last year but, you can start today and try like hell to change what YOU do. You can't give up. Every time someone gives up it effects the rest of us. Keep posting and venting...get it all out. We are here for you and we will try our best to cheer you on to the Phillipines in September. You are having a rough time right now and I understand that. I am here for you and I understand. That's what this board is for "support for one another"! I hope you feel better soon!

Best wishes and many heartfelt hugs,
Sam :angel:

You say you are ugly.........describe exactly how you are ugly, Rod. You're a writer, I'm a journalist, an investigative one, and I want details. Describe yourself, your height, weight, physical proportions, size clothes and shoes you wear, are your hands large, small, what are your eyes, lips and nose and ears like, who do you resemble if you had to compare yourself to someone? What is your hair like, long, short, shaved? Do you have tatoos? Earrings? How old are you and what have you accomplished with your writings? Describe the nicest thing you've ever done for anyone? When and why did you do that? Who do you care about, even slightly, besides yourself? And I know you are convinced you don't care about yourself. But I think you do, I think you're desperately reaching out for a dialogue, to connect with someone, to validate your existence and center yourself and have some type of starting point for recovery. I'm convinced of that because of the energy you expend on the negativity about yourself, the prose you use to convince us of your worthlessness. There's only one person I'm truly worth something to and that's myself. I'm replaceable. My kids would miss me but life would go on. My husband has a career and interests and he'd eventually recover, as would my sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews and grandchildren and friends, because they all have their OWN worth to themselves and my existence doesn't determine the value of that worth. If I were ever widowed, no one would ever look at me again. I'm more than plain. My father physically, emotionally and sexually abused me, I've been in more than one horribly abusive relationship, someone broke into my apartment while I was there, with a gun, knife, teargas and tried to kill me, I've lost my job, my health, live every day with the severest of pain and the deepest depression, which only recently has lifted slightly. I don't see the sun but I owe it to myself to look out the window more. I used to not want to go out and inflict myself, my lack of beauty, on the world. Did I imagine they'd go running and screaming for shelter? Did I really think I could have that much impact on my world? What an egotistical thing to think, almost comical. Put shades and a hat on and get the heck out of Dodge. Whiten your teeth if you need to. Go see a movie incognito. Try 400 mg. of Wellbutrin a day for your depression and something adequate for your anxiety and panic attacks, start eating right, only watch good TV, don't read books about serial killers, wear comfortable shoes, shower daily and forget your family. They don't deserve you. Try not to be scared, and medication and maybe some supportive counselling will help. Heck, maybe even the folks right here will help. It seems everyone on this board cares more about you than you do yourself and that's upside down. You have a mental illness, so do I and so do 75% of the people in the world, if not more. It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to get well; and for what? For yourself and for whatever happiness will eventually, slowly, sneakily begin to blossom in your heart. If you can't find God, find your higher power. Are you an alcoholic, drug user :angel: ? Get in a 12 step program. Is your self-loathing based on a life of crime? Have you been in jail? If so, change. It's within your power. you have more power inside that mind and heart of yours than you've used in a while. You say you have a degree and it does sound like you've had a somewhat convential life outside the trauma.....you sound sensitive and complex and ultimately like a caring person. Rod, people care. Strangers whose lives you have touched. Touch ours back baby and start up that path to the home you long for; it's within you. You need to embrace yourself. Find the latest soundtrack to the recent Phantom of the Opera movie and listen to the words of the song about Learn to Love Yourself; because the Phantom believes he will never be loved because of his appearance. It's a touching song. You're a writer.........you have the soul of an artist. Get started back to life, Rod. May your Higher Power surround you, protect you, energize you and fill you.

Man Apart

In your thread of January 19, 2005, entitled "Hope is shattered" I suggested you take some magnesium against your anxiety and suicidal ideations ? Have you ever tried ?

http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=243848&page=6&pp=5

If you don't try and write how you feel after I will skip your posts because I will consider you are not looking for solutions.

rose_5-HT


To answer your questions, yes. Ive tired all types of vitamins, including magnesium. When I got off AD's I turned into a GMC junkie. Anything that was on the list for anxiety and depression, I bought it. But consider im not looking for solutions and feel free to skip this broken record. Im tired of my own song and dance too and Ive been going in circles for years. But im glad it worked for you. Continue to do well.

If I could delete this thread I would. I know Im stronger than this but, sometimes I reach that boiling point. Like now, mainly because Im having a frequent spell of anxiety attacks. I just, I cant explain it. I just have to ride this storm because right now I cant figure out whats real and whats not. I feel like Im in shock. My mom thought I was having a stroke yesterday. Im having serious mental and physical drawbacks. I just have to keep reminding myself, none of this is rational. Im just in another storm. Ive been through this before. I should have had my umbrella ready.

EoR, 5 days is up. How do you feel now? Relief? Im happy you were able to get through it. I knew you'd be ok.

What would you do if your boyfriend lived on the other side of the planet and he had no way of being able to come there to see you, the chances of being together and being able to have a future together are very slim, and you had to make a decision on whether or not you were going to risk destroying both of your lives by trying, and your fear, much like what you felt when they went away for 5 days, keeps you apart. It just seem like, love shouldnt have to be this difficult. It shouldnt have to be so far away. No matter how much I try to discredit the distance between us, it just becomes more and more of a issue and reality. Shes worth it. Its not her. Its me. I dont trust myself to be strong enough to endure the process. And I fear falling in love with her so deep that Ill resort to something that could potentially land me in a Philippine prison. When you ill mentally, there is this tremendous degree of difficulty of trying to make good decisions. Or even trying to make decisions at all. I have a couple months to think about everything. Its so bad right now I had to hide my tickets because just seeing them gives me anxiety. Its ridiculous the way my mind is right now. Nothing makes sense.

I would love to try whatever remedies youve found helpful. I know how diet and exercise can be essential to helping depression. It did so for me when I lost 113lbs a few years back. I gained alot of it back though. Im currently 257lbs. I gained 20lbs last month. Food has been the only release I have. My back and chest and sides ache for days because I binge to drown out alot of anguish I go through. Lately Ive gotten under control. I have no idea what hypoglecymic is. But ill look it up.

In my own personal experience with depression, the only thing that has ever really consistently helped me is positive experiences. Meeting people, making friends, being more active, letting my mind breathe and not be boxed in these walls of negativity. When I actually feel alive and not like im just passing time til I die. I take 2 steps forward into life and Ill get pushed 10 steps back. And thats where the fear plays in. Because every time I try to put my feet into the water, something happens and I nearly drown. I get reminded of how unattractive I am and how different I am. And its hard having such a keen perspective of whats around me to the point that it sickens me. And more and more I realize how alone I am. And exactly what I truly am. And theres no way to change it. I cant put on a beautiful mask. I cant paint my skin white. I cant erase my past and my scars. And I cant change the worlds opinion of me. It doesnt matter that everyone is wrong. Life is what it is. Theres no right or wrong. Just a gray area the world created. Its own laws of attraction and morals. World decides. The world always decides.

"There has to be a way." I want to believe that. I guess I cant let go of trying to believe that. ANY, help you or your boyfriend can provide me to shed light on things would be beyond appreciated. Ive had a many panic attacks thoroughly researching their policies to the point that I dont even want to see the word US embassy, or K visa anymore. My god, why don't they just put prison bars around the whole country. She has a Aunt that lives in the same state that im in and she cant even come to visit her even if her Aunt paid for everything.

You are a friend. But im a enigma. And I tend to lose friends simply because I can never find answers for myself. Ive been on these boards for 2 years now and Im singing the same song I sang then as I am now. Someone put it best when they told me they saw no movement in me. They were right, depression just seems like a immovable object.

Journalist. I wanted to be a Journalist. But right now if I was to go back to school oddly enough I would want to major in pschology. I vowed that if I could ever overcome depression to a point of manageability, I would dedicate my life to helping others.

You want details about me? Interesting. ive never really laid myself out here descriptively before. But, for whatever reason, Im 5'9 257lbs. My body is sloppy to say the least. Its the only way I can describe it. My muscles feel like jelly. Im riddled with stretch marks. I have facial skin discoloration. Diabetic. Im 26 years old. Black american currently live in Memphis TN. I wear a 44, 10 1/2 shoe. Small hands. Brown eyes. A large nose, normal ears. I look more like a animal on two legs than a human being. A cross from a bulldog and a ape. My head is grossly misshapen. Let me think of someone famous I resemble....... Um, the late rapper Notorious BIG. And my mom says I look like the internationally known pastor T.D. Jakes. I guess thats why my parents pressure me to become a preacher. Um, short hair, no tattoos or earrings. I never smoked in my life. I dont drink. Never had sex. Um, Im very bi-cultural. I dont really fit in with one particular culture. I can adapt to people of any culture. Im the type of guy that you would see at a rap concert, rock concert, and symphany. Im usually the only black man in most of my group therapy or suicide anonymous sessions. Im very simple with clothes, I dont believe clothes make the man. Ive accomplish nothing in my writings. Im at best a 8th grade level reader. Im not well read. The last really long book I read was called Hannibal. From time to time Ill go by the library and check out a X-files paperback. Thats about it. In recent memory the nicest thing I ever done? Um, I really dont think doing nice things should be out of the ordinary. Should be more 2nd nature to people but I understand the risks involved in trying to help people you dont know. I work at night, its the only time I can work because I can work in the daytime in public places. Im always greeted by a homeless person on my way in or out of a gas station once or twice a week. And no matter who the person is or even if theyre lying about something or just want to go buy liquor, I always give something. A few years back in my old apartment I picked up this white male and his little daughter outside of a Exxon. Someone had struck him on the side of his face earlier that night just because he asked them for money. It looked like they didnt bath in weeks. I could see the dry tears from his daughters eyes breaking into the dirt on her cheeks. I was on my way to work and I took them with me and we talked and I enjoyed the company and conversation while I was cleanign up the building where I work. He offered to help but I declined, but he was insistent on helping so I told him to just sweep a little while his daughter, who I believe was around 9 or 10, was playing around with a car tire. I didnt have much money on me at all. I have a key to the vending and drink machines in the building. I gave them a few free bag of chips, candy and some colas. Could have been fired for that. After work I was going to drive them back to the gas station and give them money for bus fare. But it was still quite late. I took them to my place, let them wash up. He showed me a picture of his daughter in a karate class. She showed me some of her kicks and stuff. It was quite funny. We sat down and had the most intriguing conversation in my life. The man was pretty educated. And his daughter was a very smart cookie. I couldnt help but to look at him and look at his little girl and think to myself he still has more than I do. I was envying a homeless man. Because he has the love from his little girl. And like he said, reguardless they always have each other. Which is true. I gave him some advice and told him to try to get everything back in order with his ex for the sake of his little girl. I let them sleep on a futon couch I had and that morning I drove them back to the gas station and gave him 10 bucks for bus fare. It put certain things in perspective for me that night. But also showed me that just because you dont have money, doesnt mean you cant still be rich with something else.

Um, the most recent thing i can think of was a little less dramatic, but much more expensive. I talked about this last year on the boards. The girl I met online from the Philippines, her family were about to lose their farm. One of her fathers tenants died while working and because of some really unusal policy they were responsible for his burial and were obligated to pay for it and money for his wife. Her father borrowed as much money as he could but didnt have enough and the only thing he had left to do was to sell his land. Their only source of income. I sent 400 dollars to them so they could keep their land. I sent another 200 dollars later that month and had to postpone my flight I scheduled that summer. I basically paid for the burial of a man I dont know, but the only thing that matter was for them to be able to keep their land that I knew they worked hard for as she told me. Im not a goodie 2 shoes. Im a compassionate person but just because I dont do bad things doesnt mean I dont have bad thoughts. I know and see what goes on around me and I firmly believe nice guys finish last.

I want to get better. Thats the only thing I care about. I want to live, I dont want to die. But Ive grown to dislike myself in many ways. I love my family oddly enough despite their disfunction. I love Rose, tremendously. And I care generally about everyone. But there are many people I dislike passionately. The negative energy I exert is from just a overwhelmingly negative and abusive childhood combined with the recent string of failures I have experienced in my life. Negativity is all I know and all I have ever lived and is all I can express. If my life was more positive I wouldnt be here. In ever single post, im posting every feeling of hate and cruelty Ive ever experienced. I dont have to convince anyone im worthless. Ive spent my entire life being told that I am.

I'm sorry to disagree with you but your not replaceable to your kids and husband. Its not as simple as "life goes on." Your children are apart of you. Your blood, skin, charateristics. Your husband can marry 100 women and it will never be able to replace you. As unbelieveable as it may seem, Im not self-centered. I want to get better because there is someone I want to love. I want to make a difference in my family. And I want to make a career out of helping people instead of cleaning cars and mopping floors at night for the rest of my life. Thanks for recommending that soundtrack, Ill try to find it.

Its hard knowing that there is more to life than this. Im snake bitten everytime I look for the truth. There are somethings in life you cant force your will on. Something isnt about will. More about accepting. People are asking me to accept things I truly cannot. If I wanted to I could do anything I want, go into any field and be the best I could be in it and thrive finacially. But life isnt about money and material. To me its not even about accoplishments and personal success. Those things can be very satifying and gratifying in itself. To me there are two things in life that makes life worth living. Love and family. Doesnt matter what i do, how much money I make, how many degrees I get, how many plaque's or trophy's I have on my wall, it all means nothing to me if I have to come home to a empty house, and a empty life. Sure my chance of finding somone would increase with money and finacial stability. But I dont want to find just someone who will only notice me when im driving a SUV. I just wanted to find love. No matter what package its wrapped in. Doesnt have to be pretty with a big red bow. People think Im kidding when I tell them about the way I look and how it is absolutely impossible for me to connect with people socially in person. Its like having a big elaborate, grotesque scar on your face and people just cant get pass it. They cant. Its human nature I guess. You haven't lived until you've heard someone tell you "your the nicest person in the world, but Im not physically attracted to you." It doesn't take a degree in journalism to see what really matters.

:cool: Man Apart. That was generous of you putting yourself out there like that. Your description of yourself physically is interesting. It's clear you dislike how you look and that you pay close attention to how others react to your appearance. I'd imagine you anticipate negative reactions and rejection. But you have a right to be in this world, day or night, public or private, like anyone else, and cannot live the rest of your life gauging your actions and behaviors on the reactions and behaviors of other people. Burn victims ewhose faces have melted off are particularly grotesque in appearance, but they have a right to the sunlight as much as you do. People who've lost half their faces to cancer or in accidents or mutilations or from gunshot wounds inflicted by supposed "loved ones" can learn to function in the world again and have the same rights as you and I. Yes, NO ONE has the right to publically show negative reactions or rejection of or to anyone else, but who has manners or decency anymore? It's the world as it has always been.Stop watching people's eyes, or trying to see who's looking at you. If you look like a rap star, dress the part, wear sunglasses, get an attitude and get OUT THERE. We all want love and family, but we have to love ourselves to attract any other love, and we need to remember that from the time we're born til the day we die, WE are our only REAL family, the person we'll spend the most time with, rely on and we'd better learn to love ourselves, stretch marks and all. You seem to have a tremendous capacity to give to others but not to yourself. I think we need to treat ourselves the way we would a cute puppy............make sure the food and water dish are always available, that there's a comfortable place for a long nap, that we have a few toys available, no matter how frugal or small.....and lots of room to move around. You sound more functional than you probably think you are, but it's always easier to help others than it is to help ourselves, because when we help ourselves we focus on ourselves and that's not always comfortable. Life isn't comfortable. Get some sunglasses, man!

To me, you sound like a very beautiful person. You show true compassion, and that is extremely rare. It sounds like you know what your good qualities are, but you really downplay them. You know what? You should be PROUD that you helped that man & little girl, and that you saved a family farm on the other side of the world. Very few people are that caring.

And I would just like to mention that Tommy Lee Jones is very homely, pock-marked & with weird features, but I still find him really attractive.

Hey Roddy,
I wanted to drop you a note to let you know that I'm still around. I've been going through a tough time myself so it's been hard for me to get on here and think positively for other people. I don't think you need me to tell you how much I care about you and how I'll always be here for you through thick and thin, because I know you would do the same for me and many other people on this board. I just wish I could be more upbeat, but I have so much stuff going on in my life that I don't even know where to begin. I think I'm going to start my own thread, but I don't know if I can go through the agony of writing it all down and having to read the reality of my horrible life. Okay, I don't want to take away from your thread. Just know that I'm here for you, and hopefully things will be looking up for you if you work with EoR and her bf about all the technicalities of how you and rose can be together. I really hope everything works out for you, and just try your hardest to stay positive. I know that sounds horribly cheesy and so impossible, but for us? Your friends? Just try. Keep us updated please.
Much love,
Mermaid

*Just to let you know.....I was about to post a new thread but someone started a thread that was identical to what I wanted to say....so if you want to know how I am doing, read my response in the thread "messed up finals because of depression" and that will fill you in. Unfortunately, it's not good.

:wave: Well, I did my own "research," if you could call it that. I looked up "moving from the Phillipines," and much to my surprise, the second link was a write up for a local DJ that moved here from the Phillippines. So, I found the webpage for the station he works for an tracked down his e-mail address. This is what I wrote him: "Hi. I am trying to help a friend of mine who has a girlfriend in the Phillippines, and he'd like to try to get her into the U.S. as a citizen. In my <blank> search for "moving from the Phillippines," I came across a link for the Lobo newspaper about you, and from there, I found you and your e-mail on the **** website. I hope it's okay that I'm sending you an e-mail. :) I was hoping you might be able to give me some information about how one goes about moving from the Phillippines to the US. My friend is of the belief that there's no way his girlfriend can move here and become a citizen, and it's breaking his heart. However, if you can do it, I'm guessing she can, too. :) Would you be able to give me any information, tips, or advice on this matter? My friend is very depressed and I'm pulling out all the stops to help him feel better. I'd be very greatful if you could help.

His reply was a little weird, as in the article about him, he described in full detail what moving from the Phillippines was like... but here it is:

"hey andrea, well i became a citizen when i was 6 months old, so i cant say i really say i remember the process. but i know some people who have come over. alot of people have come over through marriage, if your american friend marries his filipina girlfriend its the easiest way, but i dont suggest this be the only reason for marriage, another way is just to apply for citizenship, that is a long and expensive process, because a lot of people want to come over. SOme people wait years for their papers to get processed. The american consulate in the philippines is probably the place to go. I think the nearest american embassy from albuquerque is in houston. hope this helps
rock on and God bless
ramzy"

I don't know if this is helpful at all or not, but it was worth a try.

As for the help with anxiety and depression through diet and supplements, I'll get to you on that. It's just that I don't have the energy right now to do all the necessary typing that will take.

Until then, I hope you're doing alright, and I'll be thinking of you,

Hugs & love,
EoR

Guess what, EOR? WE LIVE IN THE SAME CITY! It's a small world after all, it's a small world.... do you have any other fun summer plans like going to the Beach waterpark or Cliff's Amusement park? I know you said you went to the zoo... I still need to get there, and the Botanical Gardens!

Rod, I took a class at community college two years ago and one of my classmates was a Phillipine woman who met an American man in the Phillipines; he was there on business. They ended up getting married, and now she and her two kids live here with him. I have no way to get in touch with her now, but it didn't sound like it was a huge ordeal to get her here. I also have a coworker who has relatives from the Phillipines, so I'll she if she has any ideas.

I hope everyone is enjoying the summer. I know it may not be warm and sunny where you live, but try to get out in nature. I was outside the other morning and couldn't believe how much beauty there is: butterflies playing in flowers, birds singing and drinking from puddles, ants running around everywhere....

EoR. I cannot thank you enough for you and your bf's help. I know about the varieties of ways to get citizenship here. I remember last year I would spend hours upon hours studying it and gathering as much information as I could. I came across so many roadblocks til I finally found a dead end. I was definitely hoping for a more simplier way for us. There are so many issues that would deter me from being able to successfully petition her. My finacial status for one. Depsite making over the required amount to sponsor her, I read that the US consulate look down upon the self-imployed. I have NEVER been able to work a 9 to 5 job. Ive always been self-employed. Then my mental health records might come into play. Sadly also my ethnicity is said to be a negative determent as well. The hurdles we would have to jump for a year or two, waiting and hoping while her petition is on someones desk. The pain of getting rejected for both of us would be unimaginable. I ask myself everyday do I want to take her through all of this. Flyign her back and forth to the capital of their country, making her run around for months getting together hundreds of documents. And all for the very strong possibility that we would be rejected in a heartbeat. Im not a rich, caucasian man in my 50's with alot of property and etc. Thats just the reality of the situation.

I really appreciate your help, and if you come across anything else you or your bf learned, let me know. As for the diet and supplements, its ok. I will do my best to cut back on eating and exercise more. Ive gain alot of weight lately. I cant stop binge eating. Its all really connected with my depression. I feel helpless watching the scale go up each day it seems like I gain a pound. But anyway thanks again, I hope you take care friend.

dearest precious soul,Do you feel you cannot relay your feelings?I mean,you have so much pain inside and you are thinking of 10 different thoughts at a time and you are unable to connect your words into sentences? So sorry,why r you so sorry,our feeling and emotions go out of control and we can not help this.No apology needed.We are all connected in a way w/you.Our thoughts are at times ....what ever r words to describe .............none. Newbie,loveheart4u