bluelakelady
05-31-2005, 01:49 AM
dear tk,
it has been a couple of weeks or more since you spoke of the childhood that affects your health still.
how is your therapy going? i know it is causing physical pain. how are you doing emotionally?
love,
bluelakelady and company
it has been a couple of weeks or more since you spoke of the childhood that affects your health still.
how is your therapy going? i know it is causing physical pain. how are you doing emotionally?
love,
bluelakelady and company
Sponsor
tkgoodspirit
05-31-2005, 07:44 PM
Hey Blue,
You are so sweet for thinking of me. I woke this morning and woke up my dying DSL modem so hopefully I could get online and here I see my name!
Ah, better actually. One step at a time. Last session my therapist and I mainly discussed the frustration I have with all this pain and all these upcoming tests, also the frustration of my feeling when I was told that I had too much damage now for surgery on my lower back. We didn't really talk about Mom too awful much. Although she's at the forefront of my thoughts most of the time. I often sit and think back to those 5 months I spent in Iowa with her as her health declined. They weren't bad moments, not really. Just a kind of passing of rights, you know? I actually witnessed the end of a generation, of a life. I remember then I was still able to walk okay, so I would walk the 1 mile to the care facility Mom was in. I enjoyed that walk so much, as it was through an "older" part of my home town. I passed by old victorian mansions and restored homes that were full of huge walnut trees, dogs, and kids! Where I live know there are rarely a sidewalk to be found! But there, sidewalks are memories of bike riding (before we were old enough to ride in the street!), walking, skipping and playing hopscotch. As we got older into our teens, the sidewalks became pathways to your friends house, or the "passing lane" as you slowly strolled by a boy's house you had a "crush", in hopes of a glance of the subject of your attraction! I remember doing this once with a girlfriend of mine, while I was stretching my neck to peer into a boys front window, I tripped over a buckle in the sidewalk and busted by butt!
My therapist is now encouraging me to try and "reconnect" with my biological father. When my first husband and I moved to Florida in 1990 we had found my biological father, and we were in contact for awhile, until it became too overwhelming for me. I being an only child, all of a sudden had all these family members calling me. Family members like cousins and my paternal grandfather whom I hadn't seen since I was 4 years old. My "father" would call me 2 and 3 times a day, and I finally had to aske them all to back off a little. It was too much too fast for me. So, I ended up driving to Key West with my, then 10 year old son, to "meet" my father who had raised me alone for the first 4 years of my life. All went well, and we kept in contact for a few years, but then he just quit calling. I know he had business in Costa Rica and went there quite often for extended periods of time. He has a bad reltionship with his sister, who is also in Florida and I last spoke with her when my mom got dx'd with cancer in 2003. She hadn't heard from my father in many years and didn't know where he was. I DO know that he kept in pretty good contact with two of my cousins and I suppose I may be able to see if I can get ahold of them and see if they know where he is. I believe he is in Coasta Rica. I have checked the SS death register and his name hasn't popped up, but I did find my paternal grandfather, whom I didn't know had passed since I last spoke with him in 1990.
I did not even begin to search for my biological father until 5 years after my step-dad had passed. This man loved me more than I had ever been loved. He and his parents both treated me like gold as a child. I just could never search for my biological father while my step-dad was still alive. I was afraid it would hurt his feelings, and out of respect for him I waited until he had been gone for 5 years before I began my search for my "other" family.
My therapist and I spoke about this in depth. She believes since now that niether of my parents are alive, it would make a difference in my life if I still had one parent who was part of my life, given my "father" is still alive. I can still call his sister, I believe she's still alive. I only just spoke with her in the spring of 2003. I THINK I sent her and her husband a memory card from Mom's service. I actually lived with her and her husband for awhile when they lived in Minnesota, or was it Michigan? Or was it Illinois? LOL It was one of those! I still have some memories that I can conjure up from that time. I remember they used to dress me and my cousin Patrick alike all the time since we were the same age! I have some pictures of me and Patrick. I have many many pictures of me when I was living with my father in Cape Cod.
I found out only after my mother died that I infact lived with my father until it was time for me to start school. My mother had always told me that he "took" me from her when I was an infant and that she got me back when I was like 2. This was the story I grew up with. THEN when I heard my father's side of the story, it was quite a different story. So, I asked my aunt who was old enough to remember what had happened to me. I also saw pictures that he gave me ( I already had pics that my mom gave me, but he gave me more pics) where I looked much older than a 2 year old when I was still staying with my father. That's when I started to wonder if what she told me was true. It wasn't. According to my aunt, my mom left me with my dad at a very young age when she left him. He raised me, and I guess we moved around a lot. My father considered himself a "budding artist"! He was very talented actually, I have many of his photographs and drawings. I also remember a painting my mom had for years that my father had painted, but it was gotten rid of when I was younger. Anyway, I lived with my father in Mexico and in Cape Cod (Provincetown Massachussetts) mostly. And with my aunt and uncle up north on and off. I remember the old apartment building we lived in in Provincetown, where we shared a bathroom with the other tenants in the building, and my father had a painting studio in the attic. He even had a special place set up for my own "artistic" side. (This is a side that I never quite grasped! LOL My son is very artistic tho.) I can remember we had two rooms, a kitchen and one bedroom. I slept in a small bed in the kitchen.
Well, my mother had remarried my wonderful step dad, who was "old school" being 18 years my mom's senior, he believed children belonged with their mothers. So, my mom got an attorney who had contacted my father to arrange a "visit" with me. My father brought me to Iowa, where my mom and step dad were living. Now, my father "technically" had custody of me and he believed he was merely abiding by the rules of "visitation" for my mother. He dropped me off at my mom's apartment and was to return for me later. I remember this clear as day....I was in the apartment, after having been "picked up" by my mother and her new husband. I was sitting there, and I heard my father banging on the apartment door. He had come back for me, and my mother and my step dad wouldn't let him in the apartment. I can still hear his banging! I can hear him hollering "Donna, let me in! Give me Tracey!" I remember hearing him call out my name. I was told to sit and not say a word. I remember being scared. I didn't understand what was happening. Why wouldn't my mother let my father in the door? Well, after what seemed like forever, the banging stopped and my father left. That was the last I saw of him until I was 34 years old. He was never discussed, never, until I got into my teen years and started asking about him. I have to say, though, even with all that, I was so lucky to have my step dad in my life. He was my salvation in a mother daughter relationship that lacked compassion and love, but instead was filled with beatings and riducule. I lived as a child wondering WHY she ever came to get me. My only gift was that wonderful man I called "Johnny" for awhile until he became "Daddy", and "Daddy" he was until he died at the age of 62. His parents were gems. They were the typical grandparents. My grandma was big, always had the big apron on (the "bib" type apron that covered her whole front side), curly grey hair, glasses and THE best cook! I loved staying with them. She had all these little "nick naks" that were porcelain Victorian ladies in lacy dresses and "spagetti" figurines. I loved playing with them and was never yelled at for touching them. Nothing in their house was off limits to me. She had an old wringer washer! God, wash blue jeans in one of THOSE things! LOL I remember when my Grandpa bought her a new modern washer and dryer, she didn't like them at first. She made homemade donuts, washed her dishes twice, and had a huge creaky old bed. I would often sleep with Grandma when I stayed there, I loved it, though I was a little afraid she would roll over on me in the middle of the night! LOL I also slept on the front screened in porch when it was warm. There were two beds out there, and two rockers, one for Grandma and one for Grandpa! They were always in those rockers when we would drive up. I can still smell the Lilly of the Valley flowers that grew in abundance under their porch. I would take the city bus to their house, and Granpa would always meet me at the bus stop cuz I had to walk a few blocks to get to their house. Well, they lived in the "bad" part of town, which actually became the WORST part of that town by the time I had grown. But it always that way. Anyway, Grandpa didn't want me walking through the train underpass by myself, so he'd walk up to meet me, and always walk me back when it was time for me to go. I also remember later on, after I had gone with Mom, Daddy gave Grandpa his old red Rambler (anyone remember THOSE?!) and I was rather disturbed to learn that Grandpa DROVE! Let's just say riding with Grandpa was an experience all in it's own. :)
CONTINUED: sorry :(
You are so sweet for thinking of me. I woke this morning and woke up my dying DSL modem so hopefully I could get online and here I see my name!
Ah, better actually. One step at a time. Last session my therapist and I mainly discussed the frustration I have with all this pain and all these upcoming tests, also the frustration of my feeling when I was told that I had too much damage now for surgery on my lower back. We didn't really talk about Mom too awful much. Although she's at the forefront of my thoughts most of the time. I often sit and think back to those 5 months I spent in Iowa with her as her health declined. They weren't bad moments, not really. Just a kind of passing of rights, you know? I actually witnessed the end of a generation, of a life. I remember then I was still able to walk okay, so I would walk the 1 mile to the care facility Mom was in. I enjoyed that walk so much, as it was through an "older" part of my home town. I passed by old victorian mansions and restored homes that were full of huge walnut trees, dogs, and kids! Where I live know there are rarely a sidewalk to be found! But there, sidewalks are memories of bike riding (before we were old enough to ride in the street!), walking, skipping and playing hopscotch. As we got older into our teens, the sidewalks became pathways to your friends house, or the "passing lane" as you slowly strolled by a boy's house you had a "crush", in hopes of a glance of the subject of your attraction! I remember doing this once with a girlfriend of mine, while I was stretching my neck to peer into a boys front window, I tripped over a buckle in the sidewalk and busted by butt!
My therapist is now encouraging me to try and "reconnect" with my biological father. When my first husband and I moved to Florida in 1990 we had found my biological father, and we were in contact for awhile, until it became too overwhelming for me. I being an only child, all of a sudden had all these family members calling me. Family members like cousins and my paternal grandfather whom I hadn't seen since I was 4 years old. My "father" would call me 2 and 3 times a day, and I finally had to aske them all to back off a little. It was too much too fast for me. So, I ended up driving to Key West with my, then 10 year old son, to "meet" my father who had raised me alone for the first 4 years of my life. All went well, and we kept in contact for a few years, but then he just quit calling. I know he had business in Costa Rica and went there quite often for extended periods of time. He has a bad reltionship with his sister, who is also in Florida and I last spoke with her when my mom got dx'd with cancer in 2003. She hadn't heard from my father in many years and didn't know where he was. I DO know that he kept in pretty good contact with two of my cousins and I suppose I may be able to see if I can get ahold of them and see if they know where he is. I believe he is in Coasta Rica. I have checked the SS death register and his name hasn't popped up, but I did find my paternal grandfather, whom I didn't know had passed since I last spoke with him in 1990.
I did not even begin to search for my biological father until 5 years after my step-dad had passed. This man loved me more than I had ever been loved. He and his parents both treated me like gold as a child. I just could never search for my biological father while my step-dad was still alive. I was afraid it would hurt his feelings, and out of respect for him I waited until he had been gone for 5 years before I began my search for my "other" family.
My therapist and I spoke about this in depth. She believes since now that niether of my parents are alive, it would make a difference in my life if I still had one parent who was part of my life, given my "father" is still alive. I can still call his sister, I believe she's still alive. I only just spoke with her in the spring of 2003. I THINK I sent her and her husband a memory card from Mom's service. I actually lived with her and her husband for awhile when they lived in Minnesota, or was it Michigan? Or was it Illinois? LOL It was one of those! I still have some memories that I can conjure up from that time. I remember they used to dress me and my cousin Patrick alike all the time since we were the same age! I have some pictures of me and Patrick. I have many many pictures of me when I was living with my father in Cape Cod.
I found out only after my mother died that I infact lived with my father until it was time for me to start school. My mother had always told me that he "took" me from her when I was an infant and that she got me back when I was like 2. This was the story I grew up with. THEN when I heard my father's side of the story, it was quite a different story. So, I asked my aunt who was old enough to remember what had happened to me. I also saw pictures that he gave me ( I already had pics that my mom gave me, but he gave me more pics) where I looked much older than a 2 year old when I was still staying with my father. That's when I started to wonder if what she told me was true. It wasn't. According to my aunt, my mom left me with my dad at a very young age when she left him. He raised me, and I guess we moved around a lot. My father considered himself a "budding artist"! He was very talented actually, I have many of his photographs and drawings. I also remember a painting my mom had for years that my father had painted, but it was gotten rid of when I was younger. Anyway, I lived with my father in Mexico and in Cape Cod (Provincetown Massachussetts) mostly. And with my aunt and uncle up north on and off. I remember the old apartment building we lived in in Provincetown, where we shared a bathroom with the other tenants in the building, and my father had a painting studio in the attic. He even had a special place set up for my own "artistic" side. (This is a side that I never quite grasped! LOL My son is very artistic tho.) I can remember we had two rooms, a kitchen and one bedroom. I slept in a small bed in the kitchen.
Well, my mother had remarried my wonderful step dad, who was "old school" being 18 years my mom's senior, he believed children belonged with their mothers. So, my mom got an attorney who had contacted my father to arrange a "visit" with me. My father brought me to Iowa, where my mom and step dad were living. Now, my father "technically" had custody of me and he believed he was merely abiding by the rules of "visitation" for my mother. He dropped me off at my mom's apartment and was to return for me later. I remember this clear as day....I was in the apartment, after having been "picked up" by my mother and her new husband. I was sitting there, and I heard my father banging on the apartment door. He had come back for me, and my mother and my step dad wouldn't let him in the apartment. I can still hear his banging! I can hear him hollering "Donna, let me in! Give me Tracey!" I remember hearing him call out my name. I was told to sit and not say a word. I remember being scared. I didn't understand what was happening. Why wouldn't my mother let my father in the door? Well, after what seemed like forever, the banging stopped and my father left. That was the last I saw of him until I was 34 years old. He was never discussed, never, until I got into my teen years and started asking about him. I have to say, though, even with all that, I was so lucky to have my step dad in my life. He was my salvation in a mother daughter relationship that lacked compassion and love, but instead was filled with beatings and riducule. I lived as a child wondering WHY she ever came to get me. My only gift was that wonderful man I called "Johnny" for awhile until he became "Daddy", and "Daddy" he was until he died at the age of 62. His parents were gems. They were the typical grandparents. My grandma was big, always had the big apron on (the "bib" type apron that covered her whole front side), curly grey hair, glasses and THE best cook! I loved staying with them. She had all these little "nick naks" that were porcelain Victorian ladies in lacy dresses and "spagetti" figurines. I loved playing with them and was never yelled at for touching them. Nothing in their house was off limits to me. She had an old wringer washer! God, wash blue jeans in one of THOSE things! LOL I remember when my Grandpa bought her a new modern washer and dryer, she didn't like them at first. She made homemade donuts, washed her dishes twice, and had a huge creaky old bed. I would often sleep with Grandma when I stayed there, I loved it, though I was a little afraid she would roll over on me in the middle of the night! LOL I also slept on the front screened in porch when it was warm. There were two beds out there, and two rockers, one for Grandma and one for Grandpa! They were always in those rockers when we would drive up. I can still smell the Lilly of the Valley flowers that grew in abundance under their porch. I would take the city bus to their house, and Granpa would always meet me at the bus stop cuz I had to walk a few blocks to get to their house. Well, they lived in the "bad" part of town, which actually became the WORST part of that town by the time I had grown. But it always that way. Anyway, Grandpa didn't want me walking through the train underpass by myself, so he'd walk up to meet me, and always walk me back when it was time for me to go. I also remember later on, after I had gone with Mom, Daddy gave Grandpa his old red Rambler (anyone remember THOSE?!) and I was rather disturbed to learn that Grandpa DROVE! Let's just say riding with Grandpa was an experience all in it's own. :)
CONTINUED: sorry :(
tkgoodspirit
05-31-2005, 07:48 PM
CONTINUED FROM FIRST POST
I can remember one time my mom and dad had gotten into a fight and I was at my grandparents. Well my mom came to get me, and my dad was there too, they each had one arm of mine pulling me in two directions until my Grandma came out and told them both to leave. My God! Unfortunately my Grandma died when I was sixteen. I have her old engagement ring to this day. My Grandpa fell apart after her death, and ended up moving into the same apartment my dad lived in, bless my dad's heart! LOL After Grandma died, Grandpa became a bit of a "handful"! Dad sold their old home, the house he grew up in ( I used to love sleeping in my Dad's old room whenever I slept over at Grandma and Grandpa's house). Dad sold the house and ALL it's contents! I could have passed out when he told me. Some of Grandmas things would have meant the world to me if I could have been able to keep them. My little "Victorian" ladies.
My mother left my stepdad in the same manner she left my biological father. She just left! This time I went with. She left without telling me anything. I had no idea what was happening, again. I just knew that I was now living with my mother's mother and after summer was over my mom came to get me and we moved into an apt in a city 60 miles from my dad. I was 12. I did not see my daddy again until I was 15 and I had decided to take a bus to visit him and my Grandpa. My dad was so broken up when my mom left him, he tried to shoot himself in the head, but he was probably drunk, so he stumbled and shot his eye out. He had a patch for a long time which made him look like John Wayne in True Grit! Then he got a glass eye. After I turned 15, I went to see him however I could get there. My pregnant girlfriend in my senior year of highschool drove with me to see him once. I drove myself. I even took my mother with me once! By then he was better, and we sat in a bar, which was my usual meeting place when I went to see him (I never saw his apt until after he died), and he proceeded to fill my mother with bourbon and water, while I sucked down 10 gallons of Coke! God forbid my Daddy find out his little girl drank beer and smoked cigarettes! I never smoked infront of him.
He did get over my mother enough to have a nice relationship with a lovely woman for awhile until his drinking drove her away. She took his death very hard. She was very sweet. They even came to see me when I was just home from Berlin and had an emergency appendectomy. He drove the hour drive with his "girlfriend" to visit me in the hospital. He was my "Daddy" through and through. I was his "little girl". Or his "snot nosed brat" as he would lovingly call me! :) He spoiled me so terribly, and I still have regrets in my older years of abusing his generousity at times. Usually involving money.
Oh, I miss him still. After mom died, I was cleaning out her dressor and I found that old gun that he had used to shoot himself. You see, he paid us a visit one night soon after she left him and threatened us with that gun. He was drinking, and he chased my poor uncle (mom's little brother) out of the apt. He was living with us at the time to help out. Daddy had finally passed out in the rocker chair when mom called the police. They came, took him away, and he gave my mother that gun. That was back in 1969, when there was no gun control! He said for mom to take it and not the police cuz the policeman would end up keeping it for himself. So the Judge allowed mom the gun, and ordered my Daddy out of town and he was not to return, or he'd be put in jail. That was also back in the days, when they DID literally "run you out of town"! :) I can remember my Daddy bringing me back to our apartment (we lived above a local corner bar for most of my teen years until I finally left home) and I was so scared the police would see him in town and take him to jail. I started crying and told him to get out of town fast! LOL Pitiful.
So, I had a colorful childhood, to say the least. Bad memories that therapy is helping me deal with. But many many good memories, mostly involving the "colorful" people I encountered along the way. Growing up above a bar, practically growing up IN bars as my mom and my grandma were bartenders for years, I spent a lot of time sitting by the Jukebox. I would get our mail in the bar every day after school. I waited for the school bus in the morning while shooting pool. Many of my "buddies" were old bar guys. I had lots of "surrogate" Dads! Still, today I call one of them Uncle Elno. I missed him at my mom's funeral, cuz, my mother's sweet "boyfriend" of 30 years was mad because I was in the other room with my aunts daughters and other family instead of out there by mom's casket, he didn't come get me when Uncle Elno came in. And he KNEW I wanted to see him, and how much Uncle Elno means to me. I asked the whole time I was there about him and said always how I would love to see him. Well, he deliberately didn't come and get me when Uncle El came into the funeral home. I asked him why, he simply said "Well you were in THERE with all of THEM!" Thank God for Effexor! LOL So, I missed my Uncle El. He was the best. He was one of those men with "connections", **wink wink** while I was growing up. He had an arcade and Jukebox business, so when he emptied the Jukeboxes out and put in new 45's I got all the 45's he had taken out. He'd just hand me a box of records! He was the best. Big stocky, dark hair, Mafia looking type. Probably WAS Mafia! We had a small "Family" in my home town. I always felt safe, knowing that Uncle El was in my life.
But, Blue...LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO! LOL :) MY GOD! I DID NOT MEAN TO GO ON AND ON LIKE THAT! I AM SO SORRY! Shoot, now I'll probably get into trouble for getting off topic. I hope not. Mods, I just want to share what my therapist has seemed to "drag" out of me, and possibly my story, will encourage someone else to seek help if they have stuff in their lives going on that seem to be overwhelming them.
It does help to talk to someone who only is interested in what YOU have to say, and someone who is ONLY interested in YOU. They listen, they advise, they never judge, and for 45 minutes, YOU are the hero.
Thanks Blue for asking. How are YOU doing? Any news on the RA? You seeing anyone Blue? I mean a therapist? Have you before? It helps when you need it doesn't it? I think anyway, that it does, when you seem to bounce off walls, cuz, you can't seem to step out of your "box".
I said that it helps, IMO, to talk to someone who doesn't judge you. That's kinda how I feel about these boards, as "therpay". Not so much proffessional therapy, but "peer" therapy, which can be just as effective as talking to a Pro in some cases. Of course, professional therapists are taught how to evaluate you, where on the boards you can't "evaluate" others, except with your own experiences to share. Both are effective in a way that when you post here, you are a HERO, a sister, brother, friend, commrade, a good "ear", a sufferor, and here you can heal, IMO, in many ways you heal in professional therapy, only you don't have to pay any fees! :) You usually get more than you give here. I know I DO.
Oh and you may wonder about the gun I found when cleaning mom's dresser...I have it. To me it isn't a weapon of destruction, or the gun that shot my dad's eye, but a symbol of how intense his love was, and because it was HIS, his moment of desparation, sadness, yet it was his "defining moment" (thank you Dr. Phil!) that changed his life forever. The last time it was shot was during this "defining moment", and I keep it because of that, because it is part of his and my history. A history that linked (links) both of us to my mother, a woman who impacted both of our lives in similar ways, yet still, very differently.
My step dad was a severe alcoholic, ever since he came back from fighting in Japan during WWII. I saw many things in him that changed when he drank, and he drank obsessively. He was on Lithium for his nerves. Remember THAT med? He would disappear for weeks while on a binge. This was his only "flaw". I've seen him give a poor kid 10$ to buy a "decent pair of shoes". He was a true hero, a war hero, tho he never spoke a word of his time there, he fought that war over and over again in his sleep from the day he came home from the Pacific until the day he died. He was never really "discharged", until he passed on into a place where he learned to be at peace. Finally.
Love you Blue,
I AM sorry I ran off like that, but it seemed like you asked, and it all came pouring out. I feel better! LOL And I appreciate so much being able to "purge" when I so need to, "get it out". Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You asked the right question on just the day I needed to "remember".
You are the calm in my storm!
tk
I can remember one time my mom and dad had gotten into a fight and I was at my grandparents. Well my mom came to get me, and my dad was there too, they each had one arm of mine pulling me in two directions until my Grandma came out and told them both to leave. My God! Unfortunately my Grandma died when I was sixteen. I have her old engagement ring to this day. My Grandpa fell apart after her death, and ended up moving into the same apartment my dad lived in, bless my dad's heart! LOL After Grandma died, Grandpa became a bit of a "handful"! Dad sold their old home, the house he grew up in ( I used to love sleeping in my Dad's old room whenever I slept over at Grandma and Grandpa's house). Dad sold the house and ALL it's contents! I could have passed out when he told me. Some of Grandmas things would have meant the world to me if I could have been able to keep them. My little "Victorian" ladies.
My mother left my stepdad in the same manner she left my biological father. She just left! This time I went with. She left without telling me anything. I had no idea what was happening, again. I just knew that I was now living with my mother's mother and after summer was over my mom came to get me and we moved into an apt in a city 60 miles from my dad. I was 12. I did not see my daddy again until I was 15 and I had decided to take a bus to visit him and my Grandpa. My dad was so broken up when my mom left him, he tried to shoot himself in the head, but he was probably drunk, so he stumbled and shot his eye out. He had a patch for a long time which made him look like John Wayne in True Grit! Then he got a glass eye. After I turned 15, I went to see him however I could get there. My pregnant girlfriend in my senior year of highschool drove with me to see him once. I drove myself. I even took my mother with me once! By then he was better, and we sat in a bar, which was my usual meeting place when I went to see him (I never saw his apt until after he died), and he proceeded to fill my mother with bourbon and water, while I sucked down 10 gallons of Coke! God forbid my Daddy find out his little girl drank beer and smoked cigarettes! I never smoked infront of him.
He did get over my mother enough to have a nice relationship with a lovely woman for awhile until his drinking drove her away. She took his death very hard. She was very sweet. They even came to see me when I was just home from Berlin and had an emergency appendectomy. He drove the hour drive with his "girlfriend" to visit me in the hospital. He was my "Daddy" through and through. I was his "little girl". Or his "snot nosed brat" as he would lovingly call me! :) He spoiled me so terribly, and I still have regrets in my older years of abusing his generousity at times. Usually involving money.
Oh, I miss him still. After mom died, I was cleaning out her dressor and I found that old gun that he had used to shoot himself. You see, he paid us a visit one night soon after she left him and threatened us with that gun. He was drinking, and he chased my poor uncle (mom's little brother) out of the apt. He was living with us at the time to help out. Daddy had finally passed out in the rocker chair when mom called the police. They came, took him away, and he gave my mother that gun. That was back in 1969, when there was no gun control! He said for mom to take it and not the police cuz the policeman would end up keeping it for himself. So the Judge allowed mom the gun, and ordered my Daddy out of town and he was not to return, or he'd be put in jail. That was also back in the days, when they DID literally "run you out of town"! :) I can remember my Daddy bringing me back to our apartment (we lived above a local corner bar for most of my teen years until I finally left home) and I was so scared the police would see him in town and take him to jail. I started crying and told him to get out of town fast! LOL Pitiful.
So, I had a colorful childhood, to say the least. Bad memories that therapy is helping me deal with. But many many good memories, mostly involving the "colorful" people I encountered along the way. Growing up above a bar, practically growing up IN bars as my mom and my grandma were bartenders for years, I spent a lot of time sitting by the Jukebox. I would get our mail in the bar every day after school. I waited for the school bus in the morning while shooting pool. Many of my "buddies" were old bar guys. I had lots of "surrogate" Dads! Still, today I call one of them Uncle Elno. I missed him at my mom's funeral, cuz, my mother's sweet "boyfriend" of 30 years was mad because I was in the other room with my aunts daughters and other family instead of out there by mom's casket, he didn't come get me when Uncle Elno came in. And he KNEW I wanted to see him, and how much Uncle Elno means to me. I asked the whole time I was there about him and said always how I would love to see him. Well, he deliberately didn't come and get me when Uncle El came into the funeral home. I asked him why, he simply said "Well you were in THERE with all of THEM!" Thank God for Effexor! LOL So, I missed my Uncle El. He was the best. He was one of those men with "connections", **wink wink** while I was growing up. He had an arcade and Jukebox business, so when he emptied the Jukeboxes out and put in new 45's I got all the 45's he had taken out. He'd just hand me a box of records! He was the best. Big stocky, dark hair, Mafia looking type. Probably WAS Mafia! We had a small "Family" in my home town. I always felt safe, knowing that Uncle El was in my life.
But, Blue...LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO! LOL :) MY GOD! I DID NOT MEAN TO GO ON AND ON LIKE THAT! I AM SO SORRY! Shoot, now I'll probably get into trouble for getting off topic. I hope not. Mods, I just want to share what my therapist has seemed to "drag" out of me, and possibly my story, will encourage someone else to seek help if they have stuff in their lives going on that seem to be overwhelming them.
It does help to talk to someone who only is interested in what YOU have to say, and someone who is ONLY interested in YOU. They listen, they advise, they never judge, and for 45 minutes, YOU are the hero.
Thanks Blue for asking. How are YOU doing? Any news on the RA? You seeing anyone Blue? I mean a therapist? Have you before? It helps when you need it doesn't it? I think anyway, that it does, when you seem to bounce off walls, cuz, you can't seem to step out of your "box".
I said that it helps, IMO, to talk to someone who doesn't judge you. That's kinda how I feel about these boards, as "therpay". Not so much proffessional therapy, but "peer" therapy, which can be just as effective as talking to a Pro in some cases. Of course, professional therapists are taught how to evaluate you, where on the boards you can't "evaluate" others, except with your own experiences to share. Both are effective in a way that when you post here, you are a HERO, a sister, brother, friend, commrade, a good "ear", a sufferor, and here you can heal, IMO, in many ways you heal in professional therapy, only you don't have to pay any fees! :) You usually get more than you give here. I know I DO.
Oh and you may wonder about the gun I found when cleaning mom's dresser...I have it. To me it isn't a weapon of destruction, or the gun that shot my dad's eye, but a symbol of how intense his love was, and because it was HIS, his moment of desparation, sadness, yet it was his "defining moment" (thank you Dr. Phil!) that changed his life forever. The last time it was shot was during this "defining moment", and I keep it because of that, because it is part of his and my history. A history that linked (links) both of us to my mother, a woman who impacted both of our lives in similar ways, yet still, very differently.
My step dad was a severe alcoholic, ever since he came back from fighting in Japan during WWII. I saw many things in him that changed when he drank, and he drank obsessively. He was on Lithium for his nerves. Remember THAT med? He would disappear for weeks while on a binge. This was his only "flaw". I've seen him give a poor kid 10$ to buy a "decent pair of shoes". He was a true hero, a war hero, tho he never spoke a word of his time there, he fought that war over and over again in his sleep from the day he came home from the Pacific until the day he died. He was never really "discharged", until he passed on into a place where he learned to be at peace. Finally.
Love you Blue,
I AM sorry I ran off like that, but it seemed like you asked, and it all came pouring out. I feel better! LOL And I appreciate so much being able to "purge" when I so need to, "get it out". Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You asked the right question on just the day I needed to "remember".
You are the calm in my storm!
tk
bluelakelady
05-31-2005, 08:48 PM
you are welcome sweet pea.
love you,
blue
thank you for sharing. yes i do see a shrink too. have for 9 years. 7 with this one. with any illness come stresses. shrinks help shrink the stress, giggle.
the blood test came back from the ra. no heavy guns (drugs) yet. i will discuss options with her the end of june. fibro was too big for aquatic therapy today so i did the hot tub and came home. it is what it is, tee hee.
love you,
blue
thank you for sharing. yes i do see a shrink too. have for 9 years. 7 with this one. with any illness come stresses. shrinks help shrink the stress, giggle.
the blood test came back from the ra. no heavy guns (drugs) yet. i will discuss options with her the end of june. fibro was too big for aquatic therapy today so i did the hot tub and came home. it is what it is, tee hee.
jdlfmc
05-31-2005, 11:13 PM
Once gain here I am poking my nose in, forgive me, I hope you don't mind, it's just TK I feel we have lived such paraell(sp) lives sometimes it scares me, surly you can't be the sister I don't really know,as far as I know she still lives in arkansas.
I grew up in a house as the youngest with 3 older brothers, finding out as time passed the oldest was my half brother from a previous marriage of my Mothers and that there was also another brother from that marraige then as time passed found out I had a half brother and half sister from a previous marriage of my dads. Then I can't even begin to tell you of al the step-ones since moms passsing.
Isn't life strange to say the least, I spent yrs in thearpy and made a lot of progress and know if I could spend the rest of life seeking peace and answers and still would not feel complete.
I found one of the most healing times for me was back in 96 I attempted to commit suicide not for the first tiem but last, after my release I started writting a book and let it all out and through that I found more comfort and peace then at any other time in mylife and wish I could go back to doing that but mental and physical health just doesn't allow it right now.I have often thought of recording it on a recorder but that's to easy for others to get to, ya know.
I believe a lot of the past effects my health today in many ways from the physical and mental abuse.
Anyway I just wanted to say I can relate to so much you have and are going through and want you to kow you are not alone in your feelings.
I have also come to accept that I will never know the truth of all that transpired as the only 2 that do know are dead and even then it would still be one side versus the other, I only now try to accept that it was the way it was.
One of you posted the "Serenity Prayer" a while back and it is the way I try to live now.
Sorry if I'm butting in again, I just feel so close to what you are going through and it brings back many memories for me.
Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Linda
I grew up in a house as the youngest with 3 older brothers, finding out as time passed the oldest was my half brother from a previous marriage of my Mothers and that there was also another brother from that marraige then as time passed found out I had a half brother and half sister from a previous marriage of my dads. Then I can't even begin to tell you of al the step-ones since moms passsing.
Isn't life strange to say the least, I spent yrs in thearpy and made a lot of progress and know if I could spend the rest of life seeking peace and answers and still would not feel complete.
I found one of the most healing times for me was back in 96 I attempted to commit suicide not for the first tiem but last, after my release I started writting a book and let it all out and through that I found more comfort and peace then at any other time in mylife and wish I could go back to doing that but mental and physical health just doesn't allow it right now.I have often thought of recording it on a recorder but that's to easy for others to get to, ya know.
I believe a lot of the past effects my health today in many ways from the physical and mental abuse.
Anyway I just wanted to say I can relate to so much you have and are going through and want you to kow you are not alone in your feelings.
I have also come to accept that I will never know the truth of all that transpired as the only 2 that do know are dead and even then it would still be one side versus the other, I only now try to accept that it was the way it was.
One of you posted the "Serenity Prayer" a while back and it is the way I try to live now.
Sorry if I'm butting in again, I just feel so close to what you are going through and it brings back many memories for me.
Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Linda
tkgoodspirit
05-31-2005, 11:49 PM
Linda,
You are by no means "butting in". Not ever. Your story sounds sad, yet not suprising actually. It seems those of us who's parents grew up in the 50's were "taught" that less knowledge was the best knowledge. It's just bad to find all that out when when we, their children, are grown. It's like, "okay, now what? how do I deal with this?" Then there's the feeling of being lied to, or at very least, we were not "informed". My mom was that way, no one outside the family should know what's going on inside the family, and the less the "kid" knows, the better. Or the better I look to the outside world, is more true in my case.
You are by no means, "nosey". I wouldn't post all of my "life stuff" here if I didn't mean to share it, or I wasn't comfortable sharing it with everyone here. Blue, may have posted the question to me personally, but my answer to her is meant to be shared, hoping that maybe someone, like yourself, can see that there ARE other folks out there with the same struggles. Which all those struggles and life lessons have brought us here to this place in our lives. We are here for a reason.
I am glad you find similarities in our lives, quite colorful aren't they! :) Most of what I posted are not horrible memories. I'd have to describe them as sober, but in some ways comforting. Though I had a "tough" time, I honestly didn't have it bad. I've seen others much worse, and there are still others who are much worse. Kids that went through a heck of a lot more than I did. Some never feeling any love whatsoever. I was lucky to have those people in my life who loved me, though they weren't a lot, they were just enough for me. And these people, with all their own trials and crosses to bear, only made their love more special to me.
I learned a lot very quickly when I was a child. I look at today's young folks and think, "geesh, things are sure different now". Being a kid today is tough, it was so much simpler for us, IMO. Of course grown ups probably said that about us when we were young! Each generation changes, and I believe the more "intense" our world becomes, the more "intense" our children become.
We all have our "mountains", and we either choose to stay at the bottom of the mountain looking up at the top, or we choose to climb our "mountains", get to the top and look, not down, but out across the vastness that lies beyond the mountains!
You are very special Linda, and I would be proud to be your sister! I've never had a sister, or a brother. My biological father never remarried and never had any other children. That's what he says and his family confirms. He was pretty much a "loner", but when I saw him again as an adult, I saw an emptiness in his eyes, yet still a playfullness that made up for the emptiness.
Nice to talk to you again Linda. And I thank you for your thoughts and prayers.
Love,
tk
You are by no means "butting in". Not ever. Your story sounds sad, yet not suprising actually. It seems those of us who's parents grew up in the 50's were "taught" that less knowledge was the best knowledge. It's just bad to find all that out when when we, their children, are grown. It's like, "okay, now what? how do I deal with this?" Then there's the feeling of being lied to, or at very least, we were not "informed". My mom was that way, no one outside the family should know what's going on inside the family, and the less the "kid" knows, the better. Or the better I look to the outside world, is more true in my case.
You are by no means, "nosey". I wouldn't post all of my "life stuff" here if I didn't mean to share it, or I wasn't comfortable sharing it with everyone here. Blue, may have posted the question to me personally, but my answer to her is meant to be shared, hoping that maybe someone, like yourself, can see that there ARE other folks out there with the same struggles. Which all those struggles and life lessons have brought us here to this place in our lives. We are here for a reason.
I am glad you find similarities in our lives, quite colorful aren't they! :) Most of what I posted are not horrible memories. I'd have to describe them as sober, but in some ways comforting. Though I had a "tough" time, I honestly didn't have it bad. I've seen others much worse, and there are still others who are much worse. Kids that went through a heck of a lot more than I did. Some never feeling any love whatsoever. I was lucky to have those people in my life who loved me, though they weren't a lot, they were just enough for me. And these people, with all their own trials and crosses to bear, only made their love more special to me.
I learned a lot very quickly when I was a child. I look at today's young folks and think, "geesh, things are sure different now". Being a kid today is tough, it was so much simpler for us, IMO. Of course grown ups probably said that about us when we were young! Each generation changes, and I believe the more "intense" our world becomes, the more "intense" our children become.
We all have our "mountains", and we either choose to stay at the bottom of the mountain looking up at the top, or we choose to climb our "mountains", get to the top and look, not down, but out across the vastness that lies beyond the mountains!
You are very special Linda, and I would be proud to be your sister! I've never had a sister, or a brother. My biological father never remarried and never had any other children. That's what he says and his family confirms. He was pretty much a "loner", but when I saw him again as an adult, I saw an emptiness in his eyes, yet still a playfullness that made up for the emptiness.
Nice to talk to you again Linda. And I thank you for your thoughts and prayers.
Love,
tk
bluelakelady
06-01-2005, 12:18 AM
hi linda,
i am so glad you chose to respond too. the boards are for all of us. i am always pleased when sharing happens. we grow together thru the common bonds. not just fibromyalgia but all of who we are has alot to do with our feeling of family here. so many shared histories. and think what the young ones here may learn from hearing us oldies bare our chests. giggle. what a visual, yikes!
sweet dreams, peaceful slumber and little discomfort when you wake,
peace,
bluelakelady
i am so glad you chose to respond too. the boards are for all of us. i am always pleased when sharing happens. we grow together thru the common bonds. not just fibromyalgia but all of who we are has alot to do with our feeling of family here. so many shared histories. and think what the young ones here may learn from hearing us oldies bare our chests. giggle. what a visual, yikes!
sweet dreams, peaceful slumber and little discomfort when you wake,
peace,
bluelakelady
Glojer
06-01-2005, 02:15 PM
When growing up in the 50's and 60's I remember everyone lived their lives to look proper to the neighbors. You know, live by some standard that was set up by someone somewhere! We all had to be proper and by all means keep our family business to ourselves, don't let anyone know about strange uncle whoever. Of course I had a divorced mom in the 50's and 60's and that was scandalous! Of course our life was very mundane, mom went to work everyday we went to school every weekday, to confirmationon sat. and church on sun. How boring can you get.
I don't think the young people today live with that, there is too much in the way of media and life is more open, who cares what the neighbors think! I think that is a good thing. Of course we all try to live by a certain standard of good, but there is so many places for young people today to get help if they are having trouble with an abusive parent. That's a good thing and I think it is a good thing for TK and others to share their stories and feelings so others can know you can grow up to be a good person, even if some of your early years weren't always that good.
By sharing we also may find that common thread of why we have fibromyalgia, although I doubt it, you never know what we will learn.
Peace and Happiness
Glojer
ps. of course this is all just IMO
I don't think the young people today live with that, there is too much in the way of media and life is more open, who cares what the neighbors think! I think that is a good thing. Of course we all try to live by a certain standard of good, but there is so many places for young people today to get help if they are having trouble with an abusive parent. That's a good thing and I think it is a good thing for TK and others to share their stories and feelings so others can know you can grow up to be a good person, even if some of your early years weren't always that good.
By sharing we also may find that common thread of why we have fibromyalgia, although I doubt it, you never know what we will learn.
Peace and Happiness
Glojer
ps. of course this is all just IMO
jdlfmc
06-01-2005, 05:45 PM
Glojer, That reminds me of a conversation my 35 yr old son and I had last night, he was going on about all the sex crimes and crimes in general and how ad it all is now a days, I told him I think it is not really that crime in general is more it it is the world is more populated then ever before and that with the internet and media as it is we just hear so much more then we used to not to mention like you said things that went on in the home was kept behind closed doors such as divorce and domestic viloence and incest.
I think children hear and know way to much these days and no matter how you try to shelter them or teach them it is in the schools and the on TV and the streets so I believe parents today have a bigger challange then before.
I'm 51 and think my parents was of the generation that didn't discuss ANYTHING with the children and then my generation was more open with the kids and went to far and the parents of today have it even harder trying to get something in between.
I do know that I have always done the best I have known how for my children and now that I am older and hopeful wiser I know my parents did the same and compared to my parents childhood mine appeared to be a cake walk, I just didn't know that til it was to late.
Linda
I think children hear and know way to much these days and no matter how you try to shelter them or teach them it is in the schools and the on TV and the streets so I believe parents today have a bigger challange then before.
I'm 51 and think my parents was of the generation that didn't discuss ANYTHING with the children and then my generation was more open with the kids and went to far and the parents of today have it even harder trying to get something in between.
I do know that I have always done the best I have known how for my children and now that I am older and hopeful wiser I know my parents did the same and compared to my parents childhood mine appeared to be a cake walk, I just didn't know that til it was to late.
Linda
bilij
06-01-2005, 07:56 PM
May I chime in? I was a young mother in the '50's and a very ''green''
one at that. I was raised in the mountains of north Alabama on a small
farm. In 1949 I borrowed enough money to attend Business college in
Birmingham. I married a sailor in 1950 and soon after our children began to
arrive. Children do not come with an owners manual. It's trial and error from
the beginning. If I caused scars on my children's emotional well being, I am
so sorry and I believe most parents of that era feel as I do. We were struggling
and doing the best we could. I read your posts with tears running down my face
because some of you hurt so much . Please get help; life is short at it's longest
and folks like TK and Bluelakelady know what they're talking about. I don't think
medication is going to heal all of the pain. Thank's for letting me share just a
little about us 50's mothers, we are a ''strange'' bunch. Love to all,
Bilij
one at that. I was raised in the mountains of north Alabama on a small
farm. In 1949 I borrowed enough money to attend Business college in
Birmingham. I married a sailor in 1950 and soon after our children began to
arrive. Children do not come with an owners manual. It's trial and error from
the beginning. If I caused scars on my children's emotional well being, I am
so sorry and I believe most parents of that era feel as I do. We were struggling
and doing the best we could. I read your posts with tears running down my face
because some of you hurt so much . Please get help; life is short at it's longest
and folks like TK and Bluelakelady know what they're talking about. I don't think
medication is going to heal all of the pain. Thank's for letting me share just a
little about us 50's mothers, we are a ''strange'' bunch. Love to all,
Bilij
Glojer
06-02-2005, 02:30 PM
Bilij thanks for your input, I love hearing about how things were before my time. I'm 56 so I grew up in the 50's and of course had my teenage years in the peace and love hippie 60's. Although I was not a hippie (at least in the way most people think) I still spent my teens years at that time. But my most favorite memories are of sitting quietly on my grandfathers lap or at his feet when his 7 brothers and sisters would gather for family dinners and talk about the way things were when they were growing up and all the stories of the things they did. I cherish those memories.
Yes, we all did the best we could raising our children as our parents did the same. Just as our parents are proud of us, we are proud of our children.
I agree that today it is harder because children have so much media coming at them from all sides with shows and commercials about things and showing things that would never have been appropriate when I was growing up. I agree that is why crime seems so much more prevalent these days.
Well I will get off my soapbox, but I think I will continue to have a rush of great memories of those family gatherings and all my great aunts and uncles and the wild things they did. My greatgrandfather was sheriff of the county and had the reputation of being the only sheriff of his time that didn't carry a gun. I guess he learned to be tough trying to control his eight children, some of the things they use to do. Of course they probably still couldn't compare to what kids can get into today.
Have a great day everyone!
Glojer
Yes, we all did the best we could raising our children as our parents did the same. Just as our parents are proud of us, we are proud of our children.
I agree that today it is harder because children have so much media coming at them from all sides with shows and commercials about things and showing things that would never have been appropriate when I was growing up. I agree that is why crime seems so much more prevalent these days.
Well I will get off my soapbox, but I think I will continue to have a rush of great memories of those family gatherings and all my great aunts and uncles and the wild things they did. My greatgrandfather was sheriff of the county and had the reputation of being the only sheriff of his time that didn't carry a gun. I guess he learned to be tough trying to control his eight children, some of the things they use to do. Of course they probably still couldn't compare to what kids can get into today.
Have a great day everyone!
Glojer
tkgoodspirit
06-03-2005, 03:12 AM
May I chime in? I was a young mother in the '50's and a very ''green''
one at that. I was raised in the mountains of north Alabama on a small
farm. In 1949 I borrowed enough money to attend Business college in
Birmingham. I married a sailor in 1950 and soon after our children began to
arrive. Children do not come with an owners manual. It's trial and error from
the beginning. If I caused scars on my children's emotional well being, I am
so sorry and I believe most parents of that era feel as I do. We were struggling
and doing the best we could. I read your posts with tears running down my face
because some of you hurt so much . Please get help; life is short at it's longest
and folks like TK and Bluelakelady know what they're talking about. I don't think
medication is going to heal all of the pain. Thank's for letting me share just a
little about us 50's mothers, we are a ''strange'' bunch. Love to all,
Bilij
My dear Biliji,
Mother's of today don't have manuals either, I know I never got one! LOL Our "manuals" are usually our own parents. That's my opinion anyway. I parented just like my mother parented me. I walked away from my husband of 13 years and my 10 year old son. A regret I will always live with, a regret that I paid for over and over, and a mistake that I have and still am rectifying with my only child. It took him many many years to trust me and love me. Things were tough for the both of us, for a long time, but now it's much better. I gave it to him straight, admited my guilt and tried to do everything I possibly could to "make it up" to my son. I told him what I did, I did not blame his dad for anything, except for how his dad stood in my way of visitation: THEN I blamed his dad! :) I took full responsibility for my actions, and I told him that I did the wrong thing, and that he didn't deserve any of what happened.
I do have to say though, that whether you were a mom of the 50's or a mom in the 21st Century, it's tough raising kids. I gotta say, though, that even though some of the parenting skills in the 50's, 60's or 70's.... where children were to "be seen and not heard" and parents didn't share with their kids so much, I've seen some mother's today who's kids would be better off in Foster care. So you see, there are always going to be problems between kids and their parents. The problems seem to be more intense every decade, we are NOT the same society we were back then. We have a whole new set of societal hurdles. More drugs, more homeless, more abuse, just more...
I do miss the simplicities when Lassie was a TV hit. I miss all that. I may not have been parented by the best, but that generation or era, was wonderful. We were just learning new things, technology was just begining, and mini skirts were "hot"! LOL
So, Biliji, don't ever apologize for "doing the best you could". We all did. Some did better than others. I totally doubt you "hurt" your children. My mother was 65 when she died two years ago, which means you are only a decade older than my own mother, and I know your lives were very different. You were two very different women.
I can't believe someone who has been married to the same man for as long as you have been, Biliji, did irrepairable damage to her children. So, don't you feel guilty about anything. Actually, it is my mom who made me who I am today. I could have chosen to rebel, and lash out my whole life, I didn't. Doesn't mean I still don't have resentment, but I don't let it rule my life. My childhood made me who I am today. Took me awhile to get here! LOL But I'm here now! :) And you know why, Biliji? In part of encountering women like you along the way. Strong women, like the women here on these boards. Strong women with character, backbone, beauty (inner and outer), endless love, yet these strong women also have a weakness and a "soft spot" that makes all of the women here (and I mean you the teens we have here in our "family") more special than they (you) realize.
Don't you dare feel guilty, my friend! I felt guilty for years, and I DESERVED the guilt, but I finally had to let go of it, so I could go on living and make a new life with my sweet child.
Love you, Biliji!
tk
one at that. I was raised in the mountains of north Alabama on a small
farm. In 1949 I borrowed enough money to attend Business college in
Birmingham. I married a sailor in 1950 and soon after our children began to
arrive. Children do not come with an owners manual. It's trial and error from
the beginning. If I caused scars on my children's emotional well being, I am
so sorry and I believe most parents of that era feel as I do. We were struggling
and doing the best we could. I read your posts with tears running down my face
because some of you hurt so much . Please get help; life is short at it's longest
and folks like TK and Bluelakelady know what they're talking about. I don't think
medication is going to heal all of the pain. Thank's for letting me share just a
little about us 50's mothers, we are a ''strange'' bunch. Love to all,
Bilij
My dear Biliji,
Mother's of today don't have manuals either, I know I never got one! LOL Our "manuals" are usually our own parents. That's my opinion anyway. I parented just like my mother parented me. I walked away from my husband of 13 years and my 10 year old son. A regret I will always live with, a regret that I paid for over and over, and a mistake that I have and still am rectifying with my only child. It took him many many years to trust me and love me. Things were tough for the both of us, for a long time, but now it's much better. I gave it to him straight, admited my guilt and tried to do everything I possibly could to "make it up" to my son. I told him what I did, I did not blame his dad for anything, except for how his dad stood in my way of visitation: THEN I blamed his dad! :) I took full responsibility for my actions, and I told him that I did the wrong thing, and that he didn't deserve any of what happened.
I do have to say though, that whether you were a mom of the 50's or a mom in the 21st Century, it's tough raising kids. I gotta say, though, that even though some of the parenting skills in the 50's, 60's or 70's.... where children were to "be seen and not heard" and parents didn't share with their kids so much, I've seen some mother's today who's kids would be better off in Foster care. So you see, there are always going to be problems between kids and their parents. The problems seem to be more intense every decade, we are NOT the same society we were back then. We have a whole new set of societal hurdles. More drugs, more homeless, more abuse, just more...
I do miss the simplicities when Lassie was a TV hit. I miss all that. I may not have been parented by the best, but that generation or era, was wonderful. We were just learning new things, technology was just begining, and mini skirts were "hot"! LOL
So, Biliji, don't ever apologize for "doing the best you could". We all did. Some did better than others. I totally doubt you "hurt" your children. My mother was 65 when she died two years ago, which means you are only a decade older than my own mother, and I know your lives were very different. You were two very different women.
I can't believe someone who has been married to the same man for as long as you have been, Biliji, did irrepairable damage to her children. So, don't you feel guilty about anything. Actually, it is my mom who made me who I am today. I could have chosen to rebel, and lash out my whole life, I didn't. Doesn't mean I still don't have resentment, but I don't let it rule my life. My childhood made me who I am today. Took me awhile to get here! LOL But I'm here now! :) And you know why, Biliji? In part of encountering women like you along the way. Strong women, like the women here on these boards. Strong women with character, backbone, beauty (inner and outer), endless love, yet these strong women also have a weakness and a "soft spot" that makes all of the women here (and I mean you the teens we have here in our "family") more special than they (you) realize.
Don't you dare feel guilty, my friend! I felt guilty for years, and I DESERVED the guilt, but I finally had to let go of it, so I could go on living and make a new life with my sweet child.
Love you, Biliji!
tk
bluelakelady
06-03-2005, 09:56 AM
morning tk,
well said my friend. how are you feeling today?
peace,
bluelakelady
well said my friend. how are you feeling today?
peace,
bluelakelady
bilij
06-03-2005, 07:20 PM
Hello TK, I had intended to stop posting for awhile, but I just have
to answer your post. Being raised in a Christian home, having a stable
marriage and being brought up in the church does not promise smooth
sailing down through the years. My children have had their share of problems.
There is a Chinese proverb that tells of the people all complaining about
their troubles being worse than anyone elses; So the ''wise one'' told them
to put their troubles in a bag and hang them on the gate post and at mid-
night he would gather them up and redistribute them, but before midnight
arrived the people began to sneak out and get their own bag. We're pretty
much like that. Most of us would keep our own life regardless of what comes
our way....fibromyalgia and all. Keep up the good work my Alabama friend and
Ill post again in a week or so. Love you,
Bilij
to answer your post. Being raised in a Christian home, having a stable
marriage and being brought up in the church does not promise smooth
sailing down through the years. My children have had their share of problems.
There is a Chinese proverb that tells of the people all complaining about
their troubles being worse than anyone elses; So the ''wise one'' told them
to put their troubles in a bag and hang them on the gate post and at mid-
night he would gather them up and redistribute them, but before midnight
arrived the people began to sneak out and get their own bag. We're pretty
much like that. Most of us would keep our own life regardless of what comes
our way....fibromyalgia and all. Keep up the good work my Alabama friend and
Ill post again in a week or so. Love you,
Bilij
tkgoodspirit
06-03-2005, 09:02 PM
Hello TK, I had intended to stop posting for awhile, but I just have
to answer your post. Being raised in a Christian home, having a stable
marriage and being brought up in the church does not promise smooth
sailing down through the years. My children have had their share of problems.
There is a Chinese proverb that tells of the people all complaining about
their troubles being worse than anyone elses; So the ''wise one'' told them
to put their troubles in a bag and hang them on the gate post and at mid-
night he would gather them up and redistribute them, but before midnight
arrived the people began to sneak out and get their own bag. We're pretty
much like that. Most of us would keep our own life regardless of what comes
our way....fibromyalgia and all. Keep up the good work my Alabama friend and
Ill post again in a week or so. Love you,
Bilij
Hey Miss Biliji!
I am wondering why you had decided to quit posting? I guess I am not understanding what's going on. I try to "read between the lines" in your posts and I have feeling you are saying something, but not really saying it. I may be wrong, but that is just my impression.
I DO know about being raised a certain way and I understand being raised with religion and how it shapes your life in many ways. I am not Christian, didn't grow up Christian. I did however, decide to become a member of the Catholic Church when I was 16, went through classes with a dear priest who remained a friend of mine for many years, got confirmed, and continued to go to church until I was a young adult. I left the Church for 10 years until my step dad died and I felt I needed something more in my life. I felt that I HAD to go back to church to "help" my father get into heaven. I was told by a very wise priest at that time during confession (I never went behind "the curtain", I believed in face to face confession) that he believed it was very hard NOT to get into heaven, and that put my mind at ease. I was also dealing with infedelity in my marriage and felt that going to church would help me get over that devestation. It didn't. I surrounded myself in my Church. My husband and I became youth ministers, and I DID love that. Having all those special young people in my life was, and still is, wonderful. I often think about "my kids" today, wondering how their lives have turned out.
My husband and I were so "involved" in the Church we raised our son very strict. We "scared" religion into him. We indimidated him with threats of "hell" if he misbehaved, that was wrong of us. I did finally leave the Church and went in search of a different way to "believe". It's funny cuz as soon as you say "I'm not Christian" people automatically assume you are saying "I don't believe in God", which is entirely not true. Also, as you know, not being Christian down here is a bit taboo. :) But I'm comfortable with my belief, where I used to hide it, I don't any longer. After I decided to tell people about my beliefs, I opened the door for many close relationships with folks of all different faiths. One of my most special friends is a very devout "Born Again". We discuss the commonalities between what we each believe and how we are here to spread our "light". This girl, girl? she's 30! Anyway, she has often turned to me for advice regarding different "life situations" and I'm happy to help her anyway I can, and I turn to her for "help" when I need her. I was invited to her very "Christian" wedding. I used that term not to make fun, or as a "label". It was a very special service filled with lots of prayer and a lot of "born again" young folks. No alchohol was served and we all went to her church for the reception. I felt very comfortable even tho I was a bit "out of my element"! :) Although I have attended many many retreats, and prayer groups in my past.
And I STILL and always will feel tied to the Catholic Church. Which itself has many folks who judge it and it's followers. I had a great love for Pope John Paul II and his gift of bring people of all faiths together. I took his ongoing illness and his death very hard. To me, that is what believing in God is all about. Bringing people together, regardless of their beliefs. We all come from the same "seed of light".
So, I guess I got off there a bit...but what I'm trying to say, in my own bumbling way, is that I understand the influence of religion in our lives. I understand building a life with your religion as the foundation of your "house". I also understand about "staying the course" because of your religion. I understand about pushing aside your feelings and your own suffering because it goes against your faith. I understand all that, really. It is what it is, or was. I also understand that growing up when YOU did and HOW you did was different than how I grew up and how I grew up is different than how kids today grow up.
Biliji, I am concerned about your reaction to my post and other's posts talking about the trouble we had with our mother's while we were growing up. You seem to be upset by our words. I myself surely wasn't making "blanket" statements toward all mothers, nor was I insiuating that all mothers from my mother's decade were bad mothers. I met many mothers when I was a kid who were wonderful, as were the children they were raising. Of course, my perception was only as an "outsider", but I was pretty close to many of my friends families and saw first hand how they were being raised, and a lot of my friends had great mothers, all who were the same age as my own mother. My aunt is ten years younger than me, and of all us women in my family, she was by far the best mother in the group! She has two wonderful daughters. And heaven knows that she went through tough times raising her kids. She was married to a drug addict, she was a single mom. She was also pregnant before she got married. She and her second husband went through the big factory layoffs during the 70's in the Midwest. They lost their home, had to borrow money from her inlaws to get a car, a whole host of problems that comes when the main bread winner loses their job. Yet, she remained a stable mother throughout all of it, and her kids are fine examples of how she raised them. I can't claim that. My son has been addicted to Heroin, he's lost every job he's ever had, he has been "kicked out" of the Navy, he's left his wife, spent all their money on drinking and drugs, and he still struggles to keep it all together. He is back with his wife and is now raising a child of his own. Learning what not to do from my mistakes I hope.
We all have our stories, good ones and bad ones. I don't believe that hanging onto our problems is what most of us want to do, and I don't believe that most of us DO hang onto our problems. We hang onto them until someone teaches us how to let them go. But they never really leave us, they are always there, they just aren't as significant. Personally, my problems have made me who I am to day, and I'm grateful for them in a way. If I had a choice, of course I wouldn't have been raised the way I was, but I had no choice. I DO have a choice as to how I use my past to shape my future. We can't give our problems away, they are ours, they are part of us. We simply have to learn how to use them and control them so that they don't control us or our lives. But they are always there, sitting on a shelf in a special place in our souls and our minds.
I am sorry if our posts upset you. I wish I knew exactly what it is that seems to be upsetting you. Yes, your children have their own problems, all of our children do, that's part of their lives. Just like our lives. We, as mothers, don't like to see our kids have any problems, but that can't be helped. We can only watch from the sidelines most of the time as they work through them, and sometimes our involvement only makes their problems unmanageable. We have to force ourselves to step back, and to be there for them after they come through the wall and get to the other side.
I know there are lots of mothers here who have regrets where their children are involved. Most of us mothers do. Some of us never hear from our children at all. I know mother's here on these boards who never speak with their kids. I used to chat with a woman who's son is a few years younger than me, and she hasn't heard from him in over 10 years. Last time was when he asked her for money to buy drugs. She claims not to be too bothered by it, but I can tell she is. I myself went through a time when my son didn't speak to me for years. It hurts, I know it hurts any mother with children out there who have cut off communication. What can you do? Nothing, but wait it out. You know how we change as we go through the phases of our lives. We can only hope that as our own children go through their own "life phases" they learn forgiveness as they grow. 'Til then, we wait.
I hope we hear from you real soon Biliji. I of all folks, understand that sometimes we need a "break" from the Boards. Take your break, and come back to your friends. We will be waiting for you with open arms. 'Til then, we wait.
Love,
tk
to answer your post. Being raised in a Christian home, having a stable
marriage and being brought up in the church does not promise smooth
sailing down through the years. My children have had their share of problems.
There is a Chinese proverb that tells of the people all complaining about
their troubles being worse than anyone elses; So the ''wise one'' told them
to put their troubles in a bag and hang them on the gate post and at mid-
night he would gather them up and redistribute them, but before midnight
arrived the people began to sneak out and get their own bag. We're pretty
much like that. Most of us would keep our own life regardless of what comes
our way....fibromyalgia and all. Keep up the good work my Alabama friend and
Ill post again in a week or so. Love you,
Bilij
Hey Miss Biliji!
I am wondering why you had decided to quit posting? I guess I am not understanding what's going on. I try to "read between the lines" in your posts and I have feeling you are saying something, but not really saying it. I may be wrong, but that is just my impression.
I DO know about being raised a certain way and I understand being raised with religion and how it shapes your life in many ways. I am not Christian, didn't grow up Christian. I did however, decide to become a member of the Catholic Church when I was 16, went through classes with a dear priest who remained a friend of mine for many years, got confirmed, and continued to go to church until I was a young adult. I left the Church for 10 years until my step dad died and I felt I needed something more in my life. I felt that I HAD to go back to church to "help" my father get into heaven. I was told by a very wise priest at that time during confession (I never went behind "the curtain", I believed in face to face confession) that he believed it was very hard NOT to get into heaven, and that put my mind at ease. I was also dealing with infedelity in my marriage and felt that going to church would help me get over that devestation. It didn't. I surrounded myself in my Church. My husband and I became youth ministers, and I DID love that. Having all those special young people in my life was, and still is, wonderful. I often think about "my kids" today, wondering how their lives have turned out.
My husband and I were so "involved" in the Church we raised our son very strict. We "scared" religion into him. We indimidated him with threats of "hell" if he misbehaved, that was wrong of us. I did finally leave the Church and went in search of a different way to "believe". It's funny cuz as soon as you say "I'm not Christian" people automatically assume you are saying "I don't believe in God", which is entirely not true. Also, as you know, not being Christian down here is a bit taboo. :) But I'm comfortable with my belief, where I used to hide it, I don't any longer. After I decided to tell people about my beliefs, I opened the door for many close relationships with folks of all different faiths. One of my most special friends is a very devout "Born Again". We discuss the commonalities between what we each believe and how we are here to spread our "light". This girl, girl? she's 30! Anyway, she has often turned to me for advice regarding different "life situations" and I'm happy to help her anyway I can, and I turn to her for "help" when I need her. I was invited to her very "Christian" wedding. I used that term not to make fun, or as a "label". It was a very special service filled with lots of prayer and a lot of "born again" young folks. No alchohol was served and we all went to her church for the reception. I felt very comfortable even tho I was a bit "out of my element"! :) Although I have attended many many retreats, and prayer groups in my past.
And I STILL and always will feel tied to the Catholic Church. Which itself has many folks who judge it and it's followers. I had a great love for Pope John Paul II and his gift of bring people of all faiths together. I took his ongoing illness and his death very hard. To me, that is what believing in God is all about. Bringing people together, regardless of their beliefs. We all come from the same "seed of light".
So, I guess I got off there a bit...but what I'm trying to say, in my own bumbling way, is that I understand the influence of religion in our lives. I understand building a life with your religion as the foundation of your "house". I also understand about "staying the course" because of your religion. I understand about pushing aside your feelings and your own suffering because it goes against your faith. I understand all that, really. It is what it is, or was. I also understand that growing up when YOU did and HOW you did was different than how I grew up and how I grew up is different than how kids today grow up.
Biliji, I am concerned about your reaction to my post and other's posts talking about the trouble we had with our mother's while we were growing up. You seem to be upset by our words. I myself surely wasn't making "blanket" statements toward all mothers, nor was I insiuating that all mothers from my mother's decade were bad mothers. I met many mothers when I was a kid who were wonderful, as were the children they were raising. Of course, my perception was only as an "outsider", but I was pretty close to many of my friends families and saw first hand how they were being raised, and a lot of my friends had great mothers, all who were the same age as my own mother. My aunt is ten years younger than me, and of all us women in my family, she was by far the best mother in the group! She has two wonderful daughters. And heaven knows that she went through tough times raising her kids. She was married to a drug addict, she was a single mom. She was also pregnant before she got married. She and her second husband went through the big factory layoffs during the 70's in the Midwest. They lost their home, had to borrow money from her inlaws to get a car, a whole host of problems that comes when the main bread winner loses their job. Yet, she remained a stable mother throughout all of it, and her kids are fine examples of how she raised them. I can't claim that. My son has been addicted to Heroin, he's lost every job he's ever had, he has been "kicked out" of the Navy, he's left his wife, spent all their money on drinking and drugs, and he still struggles to keep it all together. He is back with his wife and is now raising a child of his own. Learning what not to do from my mistakes I hope.
We all have our stories, good ones and bad ones. I don't believe that hanging onto our problems is what most of us want to do, and I don't believe that most of us DO hang onto our problems. We hang onto them until someone teaches us how to let them go. But they never really leave us, they are always there, they just aren't as significant. Personally, my problems have made me who I am to day, and I'm grateful for them in a way. If I had a choice, of course I wouldn't have been raised the way I was, but I had no choice. I DO have a choice as to how I use my past to shape my future. We can't give our problems away, they are ours, they are part of us. We simply have to learn how to use them and control them so that they don't control us or our lives. But they are always there, sitting on a shelf in a special place in our souls and our minds.
I am sorry if our posts upset you. I wish I knew exactly what it is that seems to be upsetting you. Yes, your children have their own problems, all of our children do, that's part of their lives. Just like our lives. We, as mothers, don't like to see our kids have any problems, but that can't be helped. We can only watch from the sidelines most of the time as they work through them, and sometimes our involvement only makes their problems unmanageable. We have to force ourselves to step back, and to be there for them after they come through the wall and get to the other side.
I know there are lots of mothers here who have regrets where their children are involved. Most of us mothers do. Some of us never hear from our children at all. I know mother's here on these boards who never speak with their kids. I used to chat with a woman who's son is a few years younger than me, and she hasn't heard from him in over 10 years. Last time was when he asked her for money to buy drugs. She claims not to be too bothered by it, but I can tell she is. I myself went through a time when my son didn't speak to me for years. It hurts, I know it hurts any mother with children out there who have cut off communication. What can you do? Nothing, but wait it out. You know how we change as we go through the phases of our lives. We can only hope that as our own children go through their own "life phases" they learn forgiveness as they grow. 'Til then, we wait.
I hope we hear from you real soon Biliji. I of all folks, understand that sometimes we need a "break" from the Boards. Take your break, and come back to your friends. We will be waiting for you with open arms. 'Til then, we wait.
Love,
tk
tkgoodspirit
06-03-2005, 09:34 PM
morning tk,
well said my friend. how are you feeling today?
peace,
bluelakelady
Hey my "shiney happy" friend!
Thanks for thinking of me. You are kind.
I'm doing okay today. Just had a week of tests. No more 'til week after next. I have an Ultrasound of my Thyroid scheduled.
I'm in the midst of a "battle of the will" with my so called Neurologist. I finally get a referral to a Neurologist and turns out he's a big Arse! He seems to think that surgery is not an option for me. Funny? My first Rheumy and my Pain doc both have told me I need surgery. Well this guy seems to think that the herniated and torn discs are not the cause of the lose of function in my right leg, which all research and all my symptoms say it is. My ruptured discs are pushing on a nerve root, I know this, my PM doc knows this, as did my first Rheumy. This doc however does not have any interest in what my MRI says or what my symptoms are showing. He won't answer me when I aske him "Why"? Why am I not a candidate for surgery? At first I thought he was implying that the damage was too bad now and that surgery won't help. Then during my EMG I asked him if I could ask him a couple questions while he stuck needles in me. He said "You can ASK." I guess he meant he didn't have to answer! LOL I DID ask again, and I can't even remember what he said really, but I think he made mention that my problem wouldn't be fixed by surgery on those discs. He seems to believe that my nerve damage is more sensory and not motor. Why then can I not raise my right leg? What is the pain in my butt cheek and my hip from? Why does the pain in the front of my shin show that it is coming from my L4-5 (another dx's from my PM and Rheumy) if my L4-5 disc is not pressing on a nerve? My L4-5 is herniated and pushes to the right, while my L3-4 pushes to the left. I was already told that the pain I feel in my shin is coming from pressure being put on the nerve root at the L4-5. So what the **** is this guy thinking!?
He did the EMG and says he'll keep looking for the cause of my loss of function. HUH? Well, he has to go! I'm not going to see him any more. I don't even have a followup with him until July! I suppose if he was experiencing these problems he'd wait 'til then for a follow up appt.
So, I'm going to get the results from my new MRI on my lower back and take them to my Pain Doc and see if he can refer me to a Neurosurgeon. Bypass the Neurologist. The "group" that my current Rheumy uses is with two of the hospitals and their docs. Well, in this "group" you have to go through the Neurologist to get to the Neurosurgeons. Since there is no way this Neurotic Neurologist is going to refer me to a Neurosurgeon, I'll have to find a way to get around him. I found a few Neurosurgeons in private practice who aren't a member of a "group". I'm going to write one of them a letter. I found her on my insurance's website and she has her own website. At her website she refers to an article written about lower back pain and nerve root damage, and in this article it discusses how the herniated disc presses on a nerve root and how it causes mucsle weakness, numbing, and tingling and loss of function. Gee, all the things I have! She is a Neurosurgeon, and I don't know about her policy regarding referals. If I have to have a Neurologist refer me, or if my Pain Doc can refer me. My Pain doc is in private practice and I'm pretty sure he'll refer me if I ask him to. I also think my PCP will refer me if I ask him to. That's my main problem, a referal. So I'm going to write her a letter, explaining my problems and my experience with this Neurologist I'm having, send her copies of my records and ask if she can help me. Hopefully she'll be compassionate and let me see her without a referal. I'm going to sound as desperate as I can! :)
How you doing my friend? What's up with the RA? Any course of treatment yet for it? Remicaid, Humara(sp?) any of those meds? How's your pain? My trigger points are "pointing"! I'm going to get into the YMCA pool class next week. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! No more PT for awhile. I'm raking in quit a pile of bills with all these tests! My last bill from the hospital that ran all my comprehensive blood work for the ANA antibodies and the bone scan was over $3700! Just for blood work and a bone scan. That intense blood work up was over $1000! Man! All for just 5 viles of blood and a cup of pee pee! I guess cuz the blood work was so intensive, when I got a copy of the blood test results, it was 8 pages!
My Rheumy seems to sense a little trouble with my Thyroid, so I'll be getting that looked at next. Where in the heck is your Thyroid anyway? LOL
I hope you are feeling better, hon. Safer, stronger and more secure. You find a new place to live yet? What's it like, if so? How's your mom? Be careful and take care of yourself, and I hope your weekend is full of sunny weather and mild temperatures.
I love you my dear.
tk
well said my friend. how are you feeling today?
peace,
bluelakelady
Hey my "shiney happy" friend!
Thanks for thinking of me. You are kind.
I'm doing okay today. Just had a week of tests. No more 'til week after next. I have an Ultrasound of my Thyroid scheduled.
I'm in the midst of a "battle of the will" with my so called Neurologist. I finally get a referral to a Neurologist and turns out he's a big Arse! He seems to think that surgery is not an option for me. Funny? My first Rheumy and my Pain doc both have told me I need surgery. Well this guy seems to think that the herniated and torn discs are not the cause of the lose of function in my right leg, which all research and all my symptoms say it is. My ruptured discs are pushing on a nerve root, I know this, my PM doc knows this, as did my first Rheumy. This doc however does not have any interest in what my MRI says or what my symptoms are showing. He won't answer me when I aske him "Why"? Why am I not a candidate for surgery? At first I thought he was implying that the damage was too bad now and that surgery won't help. Then during my EMG I asked him if I could ask him a couple questions while he stuck needles in me. He said "You can ASK." I guess he meant he didn't have to answer! LOL I DID ask again, and I can't even remember what he said really, but I think he made mention that my problem wouldn't be fixed by surgery on those discs. He seems to believe that my nerve damage is more sensory and not motor. Why then can I not raise my right leg? What is the pain in my butt cheek and my hip from? Why does the pain in the front of my shin show that it is coming from my L4-5 (another dx's from my PM and Rheumy) if my L4-5 disc is not pressing on a nerve? My L4-5 is herniated and pushes to the right, while my L3-4 pushes to the left. I was already told that the pain I feel in my shin is coming from pressure being put on the nerve root at the L4-5. So what the **** is this guy thinking!?
He did the EMG and says he'll keep looking for the cause of my loss of function. HUH? Well, he has to go! I'm not going to see him any more. I don't even have a followup with him until July! I suppose if he was experiencing these problems he'd wait 'til then for a follow up appt.
So, I'm going to get the results from my new MRI on my lower back and take them to my Pain Doc and see if he can refer me to a Neurosurgeon. Bypass the Neurologist. The "group" that my current Rheumy uses is with two of the hospitals and their docs. Well, in this "group" you have to go through the Neurologist to get to the Neurosurgeons. Since there is no way this Neurotic Neurologist is going to refer me to a Neurosurgeon, I'll have to find a way to get around him. I found a few Neurosurgeons in private practice who aren't a member of a "group". I'm going to write one of them a letter. I found her on my insurance's website and she has her own website. At her website she refers to an article written about lower back pain and nerve root damage, and in this article it discusses how the herniated disc presses on a nerve root and how it causes mucsle weakness, numbing, and tingling and loss of function. Gee, all the things I have! She is a Neurosurgeon, and I don't know about her policy regarding referals. If I have to have a Neurologist refer me, or if my Pain Doc can refer me. My Pain doc is in private practice and I'm pretty sure he'll refer me if I ask him to. I also think my PCP will refer me if I ask him to. That's my main problem, a referal. So I'm going to write her a letter, explaining my problems and my experience with this Neurologist I'm having, send her copies of my records and ask if she can help me. Hopefully she'll be compassionate and let me see her without a referal. I'm going to sound as desperate as I can! :)
How you doing my friend? What's up with the RA? Any course of treatment yet for it? Remicaid, Humara(sp?) any of those meds? How's your pain? My trigger points are "pointing"! I'm going to get into the YMCA pool class next week. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! No more PT for awhile. I'm raking in quit a pile of bills with all these tests! My last bill from the hospital that ran all my comprehensive blood work for the ANA antibodies and the bone scan was over $3700! Just for blood work and a bone scan. That intense blood work up was over $1000! Man! All for just 5 viles of blood and a cup of pee pee! I guess cuz the blood work was so intensive, when I got a copy of the blood test results, it was 8 pages!
My Rheumy seems to sense a little trouble with my Thyroid, so I'll be getting that looked at next. Where in the heck is your Thyroid anyway? LOL
I hope you are feeling better, hon. Safer, stronger and more secure. You find a new place to live yet? What's it like, if so? How's your mom? Be careful and take care of yourself, and I hope your weekend is full of sunny weather and mild temperatures.
I love you my dear.
tk
bilij
06-03-2005, 09:47 PM
Hi there TK, before I take my break I must tell you why ...It's so
hard to stay away from deep religeous convictions and before I
realize it I'm ''preaching''. If that happens, I'll be banned again before I
know it. As for my kids, they are what you expect from 4 middle-aged,
middle class adults who spent most of their grammer school years from
one navy town to another; 2 are school teachers, one at B'ham library
and a son with Firestone company in Tampa, Fl. We have 4 grandaughters
and 2 grandsons. The moderator ask us not to post this type of information
and I hope she will forgive me, but I wanted you to know why I need to
''cool it'' for awhile. Later my friend, you're a jewel.
Bilij
hard to stay away from deep religeous convictions and before I
realize it I'm ''preaching''. If that happens, I'll be banned again before I
know it. As for my kids, they are what you expect from 4 middle-aged,
middle class adults who spent most of their grammer school years from
one navy town to another; 2 are school teachers, one at B'ham library
and a son with Firestone company in Tampa, Fl. We have 4 grandaughters
and 2 grandsons. The moderator ask us not to post this type of information
and I hope she will forgive me, but I wanted you to know why I need to
''cool it'' for awhile. Later my friend, you're a jewel.
Bilij
tkgoodspirit
06-04-2005, 12:13 AM
Biliji,
I think "bragging" on your kids is a mother's job, we can't help ourselves! We post our stories here, some are happy some are devastating, and these are the stories that help others believe in themselves and know that they are not alone. Of course all these stories involve our FM as well as other conditions we have, but occassionally when we get off topic we don't mean to, and usually it's tied to our conditions one way or another. Just like seeing a therapist, or talking about abuse as a traumatic event that may have triggered FM. You have to be able to talk about the trauma. So much more goes with FM and chronic pain, so much emotion.
I believe the Mods try to prevent people from stating their proffessions if that person is part of the medical proffession. I have mentioned my past proffession as a waitress, but I don't think anyone will be coming to me for medical advice because I was a waitress! Although I could blame some of my conditions on that proffession!
Someone here who posts and indicates that they are or have been in the medical field can draw other's to seek out advice from that person. We can certainly ask other members about experiences they have had regarding medical procedures or treatment. I do that all the time on the Pain Management board when I know someone on that board has had a certain procedure that I will be having. Lot's of people with big "owies"!
I remember once there was a guy who posted here and he said he was some kind of physician assistant or one of those nurses who can treat and write scripts, not sure, but he made it well know of his proffession and he was handing out diagnosis right and left, which is not good at all. Somebody could get hurt. I mean I can offer suggestions to others based on my own experiences with certain conditions, but I certainly can't diagnose anyone, even if I were a doctor. :) This is not a forum for Doctors, or other medical proffessionals to come and hand out diagnosis. I'm sure some probably have tried. I think that just because someone used to be in the medical proffession or still are working in the medical field, doesn't mean they can't come here looking for help on a personal level. Hey, medical folks have illnesses too! It's just that the other members tend to flock to that member asking questions that aren't "polictically correct" for this type of forum. That is why I think it's advised that people's proffessions aren't revealed. Simple, and nothing personal.
I can brag on my daughter-in-law, she's studying to be a therapist who works with people who have breathing problems. I can never remember what she tells me the name of that practice is. Ain't that pitiful?
As far as "preaching" to others, well, we've all been preached at before I'm sure. I don't believe in being "preached" at, but, I don't believe it's wrong to state your beliefs and how important they are to you, just as long as you don't try to convert anyone. :) I love this big old world, it's full of so many different people from all walks of life, and all the different religions! My, they are amazing. But they have the same thing in common, God. There was a post somewhere, I think on the Grief and Loss board that brought up the topic of "what are your beliefs?" and it got a lot of interesting replies. I enjoyed reading them.
I study Kabbalah. I've been studying it for many years, before Hollywood turned it into a fad. It actually is a beautiful concept and a beautiful religion that teaches all people are the same, and that we are not here to judge, but to share the light we were given at birth. And as we go along sharing that light, we are "refilled" with more light. Which ultimately brings us closer to the Creator, or the Ultimate Light. We have an "opponent" inside of us and our goal is to not let the "opponent" take over our authentic self and control us. Striving for the Authentic Self/Soul is the main goal. To rid ourselves of negativity, negative Karma, and create harmony within ourselves so that we can share the light of the Creator with others. We are here to spread that light. In doing so, we become fulfilled. It's not for everyone, but it's not meant to be, just like any religion. That's why there are so many different religions, IMO, and we have so much to learn from other religions. Too bad we can't share our faiths where other's can take away a little bit of what we believe, while in turn, we can take a little something away from what someone else believes. I love to study other religions, like Buddhism, Jewish, Islam, Muslim as well as other's I'm sure I've never heard of. :) I have read up on some of these religion, particularily Islam and Muslim, and learned a lot. I learned that these two religions have been totally misunderstood by many people. Muslim, for instance is a religion of peace and non violence, one of harmony, contrary to what is portrayed so conversely today.
But anyway, like you said, no "preaching"! LOL
All of us here are so alike in many ways, we share a nasty condition that robs us of so many good things in our lives. Frustrating enough that we can't stop it! It's wonderful that we can all come here and share that commonality, too bad it has to be an illness. But look what having FM has done for so many of us here. So many friends, so much love, so much compassion, so much understanding. Understanding where no one else can possibly understand.
Along with the Fibro come people. People with different life stories, different pasts, different futures, different ambitions, different dreams, different faiths, different ages, different cultures, different. We can't all possibly be the same. No judgement on others is a "golden rule" here as it should be. We come here not to be judged. We can get that other places without even looking.
Acceptence is powerful. When you have acceptence, you are free. When you don't have acceptence, you are a prisoner of ignorance.
There is a book I've read that literally changed my life and gave me such a different outlook on life that I totally changed my behavior. I used to be a mean spirited person. If I wasn't happy, no one around me was going to be happy. I was mean to people, criticizing them, calling them names, making fun of them, and down right being nasty. Christmas time used to upset me so much because I was so hurt not to have my child with me, I hated that holiday. I was miserable at Christmas and I was bound and determined to make everyone else around me miserable. I made fun of people's Christmas spirit, I was truly a "Ba Humbug". I've made people I worked with break out in tears. I used to get a warning from the managers when they hired a new waitress to be nice and not "run them off". (yeah, I was bad!) I have been responsible for new waitressess quitting. Then one night at work, a girl asked me a question. She asked "Why are you so mean?" I couldn't answer her, not right away. All I had for a comment was "Why are you so stupid?" But that question has stuck to me like glue ever since. Then I read that book. It took awhile, but slowly I changed. If I yelled at someone at work, I would get so upset, I'd call back up to work when I got home, get the person I yelled at on the phone and apologize to them. Slowly, I made more friends, I felt more love, I certainly got more back than I was giving out. I developed such close relationships that their bonds will never be broken. I re-established a special closeness with one young woman who I used to be bitter mean to. Now, I go see her at work and we sit and talk for as long as time will allow. And remember that girl I told you about who is very "born again". Well, you can imagine how I treated her! Anyone who was Christian, and outwardly Christian, they were my prey. Well, now she and I are closer than ever. She is one of my shining lights.
My life may be riddled with pain and illness, and my past may have totally sucked, but I have a richness inside of me that is imeasurable. I chose to change, I chose to believe in Karma, you get what you give. I chose to believe in second chances, which is why I believe in re-incarnation until we "get it right" and that we finally end up being part of the ultimate level of light.
Okay, now, there's ya a lot to chew on! I'm sorry Bilji, that you feel the way you do. We share an awful condition, but we also share our lives. Can't get around that. Our Mods are great, and I can't imagine what this site would be like without them, and yes, sometimes, we mess up, I know I have (more than once), but as you said yourself, "we are all here for each other".
Love,
tk
Shrink? What shrink? Who needs a shrink when I have you all? :)
I think "bragging" on your kids is a mother's job, we can't help ourselves! We post our stories here, some are happy some are devastating, and these are the stories that help others believe in themselves and know that they are not alone. Of course all these stories involve our FM as well as other conditions we have, but occassionally when we get off topic we don't mean to, and usually it's tied to our conditions one way or another. Just like seeing a therapist, or talking about abuse as a traumatic event that may have triggered FM. You have to be able to talk about the trauma. So much more goes with FM and chronic pain, so much emotion.
I believe the Mods try to prevent people from stating their proffessions if that person is part of the medical proffession. I have mentioned my past proffession as a waitress, but I don't think anyone will be coming to me for medical advice because I was a waitress! Although I could blame some of my conditions on that proffession!
Someone here who posts and indicates that they are or have been in the medical field can draw other's to seek out advice from that person. We can certainly ask other members about experiences they have had regarding medical procedures or treatment. I do that all the time on the Pain Management board when I know someone on that board has had a certain procedure that I will be having. Lot's of people with big "owies"!
I remember once there was a guy who posted here and he said he was some kind of physician assistant or one of those nurses who can treat and write scripts, not sure, but he made it well know of his proffession and he was handing out diagnosis right and left, which is not good at all. Somebody could get hurt. I mean I can offer suggestions to others based on my own experiences with certain conditions, but I certainly can't diagnose anyone, even if I were a doctor. :) This is not a forum for Doctors, or other medical proffessionals to come and hand out diagnosis. I'm sure some probably have tried. I think that just because someone used to be in the medical proffession or still are working in the medical field, doesn't mean they can't come here looking for help on a personal level. Hey, medical folks have illnesses too! It's just that the other members tend to flock to that member asking questions that aren't "polictically correct" for this type of forum. That is why I think it's advised that people's proffessions aren't revealed. Simple, and nothing personal.
I can brag on my daughter-in-law, she's studying to be a therapist who works with people who have breathing problems. I can never remember what she tells me the name of that practice is. Ain't that pitiful?
As far as "preaching" to others, well, we've all been preached at before I'm sure. I don't believe in being "preached" at, but, I don't believe it's wrong to state your beliefs and how important they are to you, just as long as you don't try to convert anyone. :) I love this big old world, it's full of so many different people from all walks of life, and all the different religions! My, they are amazing. But they have the same thing in common, God. There was a post somewhere, I think on the Grief and Loss board that brought up the topic of "what are your beliefs?" and it got a lot of interesting replies. I enjoyed reading them.
I study Kabbalah. I've been studying it for many years, before Hollywood turned it into a fad. It actually is a beautiful concept and a beautiful religion that teaches all people are the same, and that we are not here to judge, but to share the light we were given at birth. And as we go along sharing that light, we are "refilled" with more light. Which ultimately brings us closer to the Creator, or the Ultimate Light. We have an "opponent" inside of us and our goal is to not let the "opponent" take over our authentic self and control us. Striving for the Authentic Self/Soul is the main goal. To rid ourselves of negativity, negative Karma, and create harmony within ourselves so that we can share the light of the Creator with others. We are here to spread that light. In doing so, we become fulfilled. It's not for everyone, but it's not meant to be, just like any religion. That's why there are so many different religions, IMO, and we have so much to learn from other religions. Too bad we can't share our faiths where other's can take away a little bit of what we believe, while in turn, we can take a little something away from what someone else believes. I love to study other religions, like Buddhism, Jewish, Islam, Muslim as well as other's I'm sure I've never heard of. :) I have read up on some of these religion, particularily Islam and Muslim, and learned a lot. I learned that these two religions have been totally misunderstood by many people. Muslim, for instance is a religion of peace and non violence, one of harmony, contrary to what is portrayed so conversely today.
But anyway, like you said, no "preaching"! LOL
All of us here are so alike in many ways, we share a nasty condition that robs us of so many good things in our lives. Frustrating enough that we can't stop it! It's wonderful that we can all come here and share that commonality, too bad it has to be an illness. But look what having FM has done for so many of us here. So many friends, so much love, so much compassion, so much understanding. Understanding where no one else can possibly understand.
Along with the Fibro come people. People with different life stories, different pasts, different futures, different ambitions, different dreams, different faiths, different ages, different cultures, different. We can't all possibly be the same. No judgement on others is a "golden rule" here as it should be. We come here not to be judged. We can get that other places without even looking.
Acceptence is powerful. When you have acceptence, you are free. When you don't have acceptence, you are a prisoner of ignorance.
There is a book I've read that literally changed my life and gave me such a different outlook on life that I totally changed my behavior. I used to be a mean spirited person. If I wasn't happy, no one around me was going to be happy. I was mean to people, criticizing them, calling them names, making fun of them, and down right being nasty. Christmas time used to upset me so much because I was so hurt not to have my child with me, I hated that holiday. I was miserable at Christmas and I was bound and determined to make everyone else around me miserable. I made fun of people's Christmas spirit, I was truly a "Ba Humbug". I've made people I worked with break out in tears. I used to get a warning from the managers when they hired a new waitress to be nice and not "run them off". (yeah, I was bad!) I have been responsible for new waitressess quitting. Then one night at work, a girl asked me a question. She asked "Why are you so mean?" I couldn't answer her, not right away. All I had for a comment was "Why are you so stupid?" But that question has stuck to me like glue ever since. Then I read that book. It took awhile, but slowly I changed. If I yelled at someone at work, I would get so upset, I'd call back up to work when I got home, get the person I yelled at on the phone and apologize to them. Slowly, I made more friends, I felt more love, I certainly got more back than I was giving out. I developed such close relationships that their bonds will never be broken. I re-established a special closeness with one young woman who I used to be bitter mean to. Now, I go see her at work and we sit and talk for as long as time will allow. And remember that girl I told you about who is very "born again". Well, you can imagine how I treated her! Anyone who was Christian, and outwardly Christian, they were my prey. Well, now she and I are closer than ever. She is one of my shining lights.
My life may be riddled with pain and illness, and my past may have totally sucked, but I have a richness inside of me that is imeasurable. I chose to change, I chose to believe in Karma, you get what you give. I chose to believe in second chances, which is why I believe in re-incarnation until we "get it right" and that we finally end up being part of the ultimate level of light.
Okay, now, there's ya a lot to chew on! I'm sorry Bilji, that you feel the way you do. We share an awful condition, but we also share our lives. Can't get around that. Our Mods are great, and I can't imagine what this site would be like without them, and yes, sometimes, we mess up, I know I have (more than once), but as you said yourself, "we are all here for each other".
Love,
tk
Shrink? What shrink? Who needs a shrink when I have you all? :)
bluelakelady
06-04-2005, 02:20 AM
you do silly. sweet dreams. gentle awakening.
peace,
bluelakelady
peace,
bluelakelady