Hiya,
I just wanted to drop a line. You know who you all are. Some of you have been supporting my attempts at recovery for some time. And I can never repay you for the help you have given to me.
Just wondering how you are all doing lately? I sure hope you are all Ok.
Drop me a line if you get the chance, just so I know how you are.
Hope all is well with you,
love and hugs from H xoxo

Hey honey,
How are you? I often think about you and posting but have learnt over time to just let you be and find yourself and once you do you will return to us on these boards.
I hope you are doing well. Please tell us how you are? Or where you are in your life and in your thoughts.
I am doing ok, pregnancy has it's ups and downs. Although I love being pregnant and know I will have a precious little girl in my arms soon I struggle with eating almost every day. I eat very healthy and once in a while I have my bad days. I cannot work out very much as I have had a few scares with contractions. I'm now six months, already! It's hard knowing you are doing this for your unborn child but at the same time feel so damn guilty every time you put something "bad" in your mouth. Luckily the first five months I wasn't too hungry but lately it's insane! I am hungry every three hours and if I don't eat my sugar drops. Not good. So I try to eat five small meals a day.
Sorry to all my friends that I haven't been as attentive in the last few months but they have been very hard with so much going on in my life and so much unknown. We were told that our little one has a one in two hundred chance of having Downs Syndrome based on an AFP screening test and that was very painful to hear. So we had some testing done and a level II ultra sound and everything came up fine. We were told that there are many false positives with the AFP testing and that we were one of them. But we didn't do an amnio as there were too many risks.
Anyway enough about me, I hope you are all well. I think about every one of you here and pray you are all ok.
Take care

SUMI!

Lovely to hear from you honey! I know that having an ed and being pregnant must seriously mess with your thoughts and emotions. On the one hand you just want to be a mum, nurture the baby growing inside you, whilst on the other you still have that ed 'need' to not gain weight and to be 'thin'. I put the word 'thin' in that way because the thinness we strive for is a general feeling of thinness that forever eludes us even when we are emaciated and essentially dying from the 'need'.

I am so excited for you though, a little precious baby girl is growing within you. Soon you will get to meet her face to face. What a beautiful and amazing thing to experience. I love children. They truly are precious, and I know your baby girl will be so loved. That makes me truly smile.

You should be so proud of yourself for maintaining a healthy intake, even though it scares you so much and probably feels very alien and wrong in many respects. It is no small accomplishment for you, and the best thing is that it is the gift of love that you feel for your baby that is keeping you going.

I am doing Ok. I have been having extreme variations in my mood and emotions. I dip very low sometimes, but somehow have managed to stop just short of ending it all. That sounds so melodramatic today because I feel very positive today that life is filled with possibilities. But just this weekend I felt low enough that I really nearly did do something stupid to end my misery. Luckily, thanks to my dog and several packs of cigarettes and a very long sit on a park bench in the middle of the night, I managed to talk myself round to giving myself another try.

The way I see it is that I have to persevere a little longer. I have worked so damned hard at keeping myself very sick, at essentially trying to torture myself to a slow and painful demise. But I really haven't worked very hard at trying to learn how to live. I can always fall back into my headlong rush to self annihilation if my attempts at living do not go well... but first surely I must see if i can work hard at actually TRYING to live... not to just exist in limbo, not quite dying,not quite living. I have been stuck in my ed world so long I have no actual memory of life without it to some degree or other. But who says I cannot give it a shot anyway.

I am rambling now so I will leave it at that.

Please know that I am here for you whenever you need me. And I look forward to hearing more about your baby. Hang in there my friend, you are amazing.

love and hugs from H xoxox
:bouncing:

Aurora and Sumi! My two favourite people!!

Oh my god, I feel so bad for not taking more time to come here and see how you both are. You have so much going on in your lives right now and I'm sorry for getting so wrapped up in my own stuff that I haven't been here for you both. I'm sorry as well that my replies to you are not, perhaps, as thoughtful as usual, they probably don't say very much that is useful. but I mean well - I'm getting my words all scrambled today and I've just started a new job so I don't have much time online like I used to.

Aurora - I continue to think about you most days, hoping that you are okay and that life is treating you better, like you deserve. Your latest post sounds so positive which is fantastic!! I'm so, so pleased that you are going to try living - dying is the easy way out, and it's what the anorexia wants. You don't have to give in to her, because there is so much more out there for you. You will be rewarded for learning to live, and in time, learning to love your life. It is hard, hard work some days, but the benefits of being able to remember each day and having the strength to do things far outweigh the feeling of hunger. I can't really explain it, today I'm not very good with words :confused: but I feel having a go at life is the best thing for you. I really do.

Sumi - 6 months in? My goodness, how time flies. You are doing so, so well, I hope you are proud of yourself because pregnancy is difficult for most women but for any of us...you are such a strong person to be doing so well, I only hope that if I have kids I can be as strong as you are. You are an inspiration to me. Take each day as it comes, and know that you can deal with it because you prove to yourself that you can, every single day. And it'll be worth every second when you have your baby girl with you. If you're feeling down, just remember that it'll all be worth it in the end.

As for myself, things have been a bit rocky for the last month or so. I had a really hard time at my old job, they tried to change my job and then when I complained to the director about it they made me redundant. I have a new job now which I like, the office and people and work are great, but I still have to deal with my old director over things like holiday pay (which they never gave me) and I'm thinking about an employment tribunal which would be a real strain on me, and I'm not sure if I'll go through with it. I've spent a lot of time crying recently - real, hysterical tears - and I just get the feeling that although I have so much good in my life and people who love me, I still don't love myself enough. I think that's what makes me sad - there's still a part of me that doesn't love me and wants me to be 'scrawny' (as mum called me the other day) and skinny and ill, and yet I can't have that because I can't hurt my boyfriend and my family...so it's just a constant battleground in my head between what I know is right and what I wish could be right, and it just makes me so tired. I've been off anti-depressants for nearly 3 years now but something is making me think maybe I need them right now. Maybe I can't get through this on my own. I don't know... I've just come in to edit this post as well, I can't believe I forgot to say... it's not that big a deal for some people but I made myself sick yesterday, and 3 times in total over the last 3 weeks. Not really that much of a big dea; I suppose, I haven't told anyone because I'm so ashamed of myself. I really can't get into that lifestyle again.


Anyway, that's enough rambling from me. I will write to you both soon, properly, where I say something helpful for you both. You both mean a lot to me, I hope you know that, and I really hope that things are good and getting better for you.

Much Love,
Lucy xxx

Lucy, that's so bizzare that you replied, I just came to the boards to ask where you were. I'm sorry you aren't doing well and completely sympathize with you as I too was in a similar situation regarding work. All I can tell you is at the end of the day a job is just a job and we are all just numbers. Make sure you take care of yourself and your relationships cause when it is all said and done those are the things that stay close to you. I almost ruined my relationship with my current husband because of that job and my ED was out of control and after everything was said and done I meant nothing to them. Please, please don't let a job take you down, if you are unhappy try to find something else because when you are unhappy with one thing everything else seems to follow suit. The ED gets worse, the mood swings get worse and it's not healthy for you. Take my advice honey, I love you and care about you.

Aurora - I am amazed at your wisdom sometimes, I never think about things the way you do and when I read your post I was so happy because not only are you seeing things in such a wonderful way you are teaching and encouraging others on this board to think in that perspective. You are right about everything, you have spent so much time trying to not live that you really don't know what it means to be alive. You are a wonderful caring person and I'm glad we have you hear. Hang in there and fight with all youv'e got cause you are worth it and you are special and deserve the best.

Anyway sorry guys but I have to go as my boss keeps walking in!
Take care or yourselves and love you

Hey laydees

So sorry I haven't been around much, I really am. I no longer have the luxury of sitting at my desk and surfing the net all day - there's real work to be done here! I promise to make room to check for posts from you both more frequently from now on.

Sumi, your advice means a lot to me. I try to remember that work is not the be all and end all, but it's difficult to see it like that when I need the money, and I know I couldn't be someone who stays at home all day - I'd like to do that when (and if) I ever get my own kids to play with! Everything is okay except for the lunch thing but I am working on it and will continue to find ways round having to eat in front of eveyone. I'm not strong enough for that.

I made myself sick again last night. I feel so ashamed, I mean, I'm 'clinically underweight' but what does that mean? I had settled down at a weight I was comfortable with, and my boyfriend said as long as I didn't get below that weight he was okay with it. And now I've put on 3lbs, it sounds like nothing but it's freaking me out. and I can't seem to lose it, no matter how long I run for or how many meals i throw up. i didn't even change my eating patterns...it's driving me crazy. all i can think about is wanting, needing to lose those 3lbs. why is it that i still cannot aspire to be anything better than a skeleton?

Sorry this post is all me, me, me. I hate that I'm being so selfish, you two have so much more going on but I really need your help. I think i may have body dysmorphic disorder. but again, what does that mean? I don't even want to do anything to change it, because imagine if i was happy with how i looked now? imagine thinking i looked great when i was just this fat, horrible creature? i cry so much at the moment, nearly every day i cry and cry and cry, wishing i could change who i am or love who i am or just be thin and happy. What do you guys think about asking my doctor about anti-depressants again? and should i tell my boyfriend that i've been making myself sick? he has exams coming up and i don't want him to think i'm crazy or that i'm getting really ill again, i don't want to scare him. Please help me, I really am so confused.

I love you both so much, please keep up your positive attitudes, you are both doing so well! you are stars, i don't know what i'd do without you around.

Speak soon,
Love lucy xxx

My sweet friend,
My heart goes out to you. I so understand how you feel right now. I'm glad you came to us cause that's what we are here for. Let me ask you something, when you were at you lowest weight were you happy? I would think that the answer is "no". The only reason I'm asking is because sometimes we associate weight with happiness and think "ah, if only I was this weight then I would be so happy" and it's so not the case. You are definetely going through a very stressful time in your life right now. Personally I have used anti-depressants before and found them to work wonders especially for my ED, however, you could try to use alternative methods such as mecitation, yoga, prayer, support groups first and then go that route.
I am not sure what to tell you about whether to tell your boyfriend or not. That's a hard one. I unfortunately never told my husband because he would get very stressed and we would fight and that would make me even more miserable. But I used to write in my journal, that helped me so much and also came to these boards.
As for the three pounds that you have gained, it could just be excess fluids or even just a bowel movement. Seriously, three pounds are good for you honey, you are so tiny and your body is maybe just holding on to it for dear life! You are not fat you are a beautiful human being. Don't put yourself in so much pain you deserve better, your deserve happiness. You will see once everything falls into place you will loose the weight, not that you need to.
Remember that sometimes when we loose a job we cannot see the light at the end of a tunnel but then something so much better comes along and we want to smack ourselves for being so down. When one door closes another ones opens and let me tell you 100% of the time the second door has so much more to offer. Be strong and hold on, you will be happy. Unfortunately life is like a roller coaster it has it's ups and it has it's downs.
Take care and please keep on posting we are here for you.

hey

hells, when you were texting me the other day, I wanted to apologise because I dont think I sent you a text back to your last text. I keep forgetting things these days, my minds jumping to all sorts of things and i forget whetehr or not I have done something. I like you're new outlook about really trying to stay alive, not in limbo. How are you doing?

Sumi, how is the pregnancy going? The few times I've been here in the last few months all I've been able to see in you are wonderful improvements, we're all seeing how far you are coming forwards and I think its great. As for the 1 in 200 chance about downs, I couldnt exactly work out what you said about the second scan, lol but dont worry about it, we were told there was a 99% chance my little brother would be born with a ton of serious disabilities and all we've noticed is he has a few learning difficulties and temper problems. Good luck!

Lucy, I know you said it wasnt, but making yourself sick is a big deal and I think deep down you know that. ****huge hugs!**** dont be ashamed of it, you're struggling and thats ok, we all struggle at times. It doesn't make you a bad person. Tell your boyfriend if you personally feel it would help. I'm sure you are more important to him than exams right now. As sumi said, you are beautiful and those three pounds are a good thing. The ED is talking when you say you still aspire to be a skeleton. The ED isn't you, you DO aspire to be something better; for a start, if you didn't would you have ever come here?

Hugs to all of you! I hope you are all doing ok
xoxoxox

Hey again

First off I want to apologise for talking about myself the whole time. I feel so guilty, I can't tell you, but the thoughts in my head are so consuming that I'm having trouble concentrating on anything else right now.

The last week or so has been so weird, I got so fed up with being a fat-a** that I decided that I needed to start restricting again. It's always difficult getting back into it, and that's when the purging started. So I've now made myself sick three or four times in the last week and I'm restricting as well. I need this new job that I've got but I'm really struggling with the whole communal lunch thing. I mean, they even put dressing on the salad so even that isn't safe! I have to sit with everyone at lunchtime but I can't manage to eat more than salad (cringing because of the dressing with all those unwanted calories) I have asked them to leave some salad without dressing, so that's a help. I don't want to tell them about my anorexia because the job involves working with children and I don't want them to think I'm mentally unstable or anything and kick me out. And I don't see why I should have to explain myself, surely it's weird everyone in the company eating lunch that's been made for them, together, every single day? I just want to get out and have an hour to myself!!!

I'm just so frustrated. I CAN'T be ill again because other people care about me now (my boyfriend) and I can't put him and us through that, I've told him that already. But I'm really finding it hard right now. I just don't want things to get out of hand yet again, and I've already had so many minor/major relapses in the last few months my body really can't deal with another one.

I knew I'd forget something and have to come edit...I had my heartrate measured (not at the docs) and it was a pretty constant 45, with the occasional jump to like 100 or something. I'm worried about potassium levels and all the other complications that go along with anorexia and, I guess, bulimia. Any suggestions at all?

You guys are so great, sorry this is all me, me, me. I'll be back in helpful mode soon :)

Love to you all,
Lucy xxxxx

Juicy-

Hey I know what ur are going through, I am there too. I went full blown down hill like 2-3 months ago and now my weight is getting dangerously low, dont go back, its not worth it, it just gets harder to deal with each time. I am in recovery, well I am trying to be, and I continue to slip back and forth and it is just so awful. Some days I am great, or at leasst I think I am, yet loved ones are worrying and wondering and all this for what??!!?
I feel like I am going mad here.
You can do this. Use the strength and love from your boyfriend and the ones around you and kick this!!! Stay strong we are here.

Jade

Hey,

Thanks Jade for your kind words. I know it isn't worth going back, I have too much to lose. I guess my problem is that I actually WAS happy at 8st (112lbs) I mean, I could lose more, but I didn't feel the need to like I do now. I can't hack it being this weight even though it's still underweight (apparently) I'm totally nowhere near a dangerous weight, and I just feel like a fraud...how can I have spent nine years of my life concentrating on being thin and be so fat now? It makes me feel so sick to think that people have to look at me like this, how I have to go to work and carry on as normal, how I can't just stay in bed for as long as it takes to lose the weight...and I don't get it, this time last year, like exactly the same week, I put on weight as well, I don't understand why it's happening again? Does this mean that every f****** June I'm going to put on weight whether I starve myself or not? It just makes no sense and I hate myself for no longer having the self-restraint to just starve myself, even though I know I can't go back there. All I want is to be 112lbs, is that too much to ask?

It feels like I have so many medical problems as well. I went through this thing on an ED website that was basically a list of all the things that can happen to you as a result of anorexia and bulimia. Most things are things I've got used to (bloating, digestive difficulties, edema (swelling of abdominal tissue) and general weakness and fatigue, but some things scare me a little like my heart rate, I mean, is 45bmp normal? In 'Wasted' Marya says 'good days, in the fifties, bad days, forties or lower' so surely it can't be healthy? I don't understand electrolytes but they scare me, I just don't know anything about the medical side effects as I've never been properly diagnosed (stupid I know) I've just learned to live with all these things being wrong with me. Surely I shouldn't have to do that?

I'm sorry, I'm rambling now. I can't think straight when I'm crying like this. I wish I could love myself, I really do, but I can't love myself when I look as horrible as this.

Hiya girlies,

How are things with you all now? Sorry I have been absent for a bit again... lots of stuff going on at my end.

Sumi, thankyou for your kind words. I would love to think that I can be of help to people sometimes with what I have to say. I guess, it just comes from experience that comes straight from the heart. I just wish there was some way I could prevent people going so far into all this as I have done. That would be my biggest wish I guess.

How are you progressing now? It is so exciting! Babies! They are just THE BEST!

Lucy, my heart is hurting for you just now honey. I wish i could hug it all better for you. Have you talked to your doctor about the antidepressants at all? And what about your lovely boyfriend, have you talked to him about how you are struggling just now? I know you don't want to stress him out, but this is very important and you need all the support you can get just now.

Also I wanted to make you aware that it really is ok for you to come and vent on here. You seem to feel like you are doing something wrong, but we are your friends honey. We WANT to be here for you, we WANT to know how you are doing, even if it is not going as well as we would wish for you just now. OK? We are your friends, so come vent away to your hearts content!

Your heart rate is pretty low honey, did your doctor say anything about why that might be? I hope it is being all checked out for you asap. That is not a normal rate for someone to have. Do you have any idea how it was before you had your ed? Do you get other symptoms from it?

Honey, you don't look horrible I know that. And you and I both know that even at 8 stone you were nowhere near fat. You are the same height as me aren't you sweetie? 5'6"? Imagine for a second that the roles were reversed and I was saying that I was fat at that weight... what would you tell me? You know you would not tell me I was fat, and you would not be thinking it. In fact, knowing you, you would probably be really happy that I had started to gain, but still hoping I would make it into a healthy range. Just think on it hon, you are not fat, and starving is not the solution. You have said it to me so many times, but that is your ed talking - not you, not the REAL you.

You deserve to be loved, to be happy, and to be healthy. You can get there. My guess is that this job situation has made you deflect everything back onto how you look and what you think of yourself. But you are more than a job, and you are more than a clothes size. You are special, you are precious, you are loved.

Jade - HIYA! Just wanted to say that it is lovely that you are offering people such as Lucy support. But I also wanted to ask how you are doing. You said you were getting dangerously low in weight again. Are you getting help for this? It is so difficult breaking free of an ed, but you can do it. Keep trying, persevering, and lean on any and all of your friends/family/medical team to get you through this. You are precious, you deserve to be well nourished, and happy. You deserve, essentially, to live. So let yourself live, you can do this. I believe in you.

Emily - As ever, I am here if you need me. You have been such an amazing support to me through all my ups and downs. Just know that I am always ready to return the favour. I worry for you my friend.

Hugs to you all, love H xoxox