JustDave4now
06-02-2005, 07:02 PM
I was wondering if anyone ever had odd wandering thoughts that would suddenly enter your mind in certain situations. They are almost seem not your thoughts, you don;t think them up, but poof they are there. I get these odd thoughts sometimes..
First understand I am not suicidal, I don't want to die, and I owe it to my son and my wife that I live a very long time, and would never be that selfish.
But..
Sometimes when I am up high, like on a parking garage or bridge, I will look over because a wandering thought would enter my mind, wondering what it would be like falling from there. Some times I will lean out and look down, trying to see what I would hit on the way down, would it hurt when it ended or would it just end. Sometimes it makes me shudder and I push the thought away and walk away. But the next time I am up high again, in comes that nagging thought.
I do not do this because I am sad, I do not do this because I don't like myself or my life, or that I am in pain. Its just the oddest thought that pops in my head whenever I am up high and can get to a railing. odd. I notice I only seem to get this thought on a mania, oddly. You would think I would get it when i am sad, but when I am sad, I stay away from the railings usually, not because I fear for myself, but because I have no intrest.
It gets really bad when I am on a mania and a depression at the same time, very odd indeed. Its just a wandering thought I push away like a bothersome fly, but I wonder why it comes in my head.
I get others, but this one bothers me the most, because I wonder what it means. I know I will never commit suicide, because I have to much honor and take too much pride in my family and my responsibilty to them.
I wonder if you ever had these odd thoughts suddenly pop up on ya, or is it me, it could be, hehe, I am a strange duck.
Anywho, Godbless.. Dave.
First understand I am not suicidal, I don't want to die, and I owe it to my son and my wife that I live a very long time, and would never be that selfish.
But..
Sometimes when I am up high, like on a parking garage or bridge, I will look over because a wandering thought would enter my mind, wondering what it would be like falling from there. Some times I will lean out and look down, trying to see what I would hit on the way down, would it hurt when it ended or would it just end. Sometimes it makes me shudder and I push the thought away and walk away. But the next time I am up high again, in comes that nagging thought.
I do not do this because I am sad, I do not do this because I don't like myself or my life, or that I am in pain. Its just the oddest thought that pops in my head whenever I am up high and can get to a railing. odd. I notice I only seem to get this thought on a mania, oddly. You would think I would get it when i am sad, but when I am sad, I stay away from the railings usually, not because I fear for myself, but because I have no intrest.
It gets really bad when I am on a mania and a depression at the same time, very odd indeed. Its just a wandering thought I push away like a bothersome fly, but I wonder why it comes in my head.
I get others, but this one bothers me the most, because I wonder what it means. I know I will never commit suicide, because I have to much honor and take too much pride in my family and my responsibilty to them.
I wonder if you ever had these odd thoughts suddenly pop up on ya, or is it me, it could be, hehe, I am a strange duck.
Anywho, Godbless.. Dave.
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Josie's Momma
06-02-2005, 07:38 PM
Hey Dave... I get those wandering thoughts too. It makes you stop and look around and go "Where did THAT come from???" I think I get mine in my manias more so then any other time. I can easily say most of the thoughts are disturbing in nature. I think it has to do with the fact that my mind is racing anyways. I don't make much sense anyways at those times... I think the worst thing is once the thoughts pop up it is hard to get rid of them... they nag at ya from the back of your brain ready to pounce!
polarized13
06-02-2005, 09:59 PM
Hi Dave,
Yes, I have those thoughts sometimes too, I have for as long as I can remember. I have always had enough sense to ignore them, but I will do the exact same kind of thing that you described. I will be driving down the road and suddenly have a thought that is more of an urge to swerve my car over a bridge or something. I would never act on it, I have also never been suicidal. I think I just always figured everyone had those pesky little thoughts in their head, but nope, I think it's just us. That's why they call us mentally ill, I guess. ;)
Am I having deja vu, or have we had this discussion once already?
~~heather~~
Yes, I have those thoughts sometimes too, I have for as long as I can remember. I have always had enough sense to ignore them, but I will do the exact same kind of thing that you described. I will be driving down the road and suddenly have a thought that is more of an urge to swerve my car over a bridge or something. I would never act on it, I have also never been suicidal. I think I just always figured everyone had those pesky little thoughts in their head, but nope, I think it's just us. That's why they call us mentally ill, I guess. ;)
Am I having deja vu, or have we had this discussion once already?
~~heather~~
dwightbean
06-03-2005, 12:00 AM
ditto, i guess.
i have no idea what state of mind i'm in this past week (although the last time i checked i was perhaps hypomanic).
while i was driving home tonight, i suddenly visualized my car flipping over the freeway & i wondered what it would feel like to snap my neck & feel the impact of the cement. normally i try not to do that, but i guess i've been wondering to what extent those thoughts may just be normal. while i was listening to some music around the same time, the beats started feeling faster than normal and the music started sounding a bit foreign. i guess overall, these thoughts are a bit different than when i considered myself a bit more stable.. but i've wondered if i should just go with it. i think i've had thoughts like this since i was a kid anyway.
is this really bipolar thinking?
i have no idea what state of mind i'm in this past week (although the last time i checked i was perhaps hypomanic).
while i was driving home tonight, i suddenly visualized my car flipping over the freeway & i wondered what it would feel like to snap my neck & feel the impact of the cement. normally i try not to do that, but i guess i've been wondering to what extent those thoughts may just be normal. while i was listening to some music around the same time, the beats started feeling faster than normal and the music started sounding a bit foreign. i guess overall, these thoughts are a bit different than when i considered myself a bit more stable.. but i've wondered if i should just go with it. i think i've had thoughts like this since i was a kid anyway.
is this really bipolar thinking?
Ellecram
06-03-2005, 12:15 AM
Had to jump in on this one - I have experienced those wandering thoughts in different ways throughout the years - they come out nowhere it seems - the most recent version hit me this week - twice I have been caught off guard with bizarre thoughts of spray painting my entire body - one day it was silver - one day it was black! Since I had not worn gloves and have always been rather uncoordinated, parts of my fingers and hands had quite a bit of paint on them. In fact on Silver Paint Day, my right hand had two fingernails thickly coated and I drifted off into this fantasy that perhaps I was becoming the Tin Man from Oz?
jessid
06-03-2005, 10:47 AM
strange...
my bf and i were having this exact conversation the other day!
i get these thoughts especially when i'm standing on the subway platform or trying to cross a busy street. it's not a "i want to die" thought process...more of a "what if" one.
my bf and i were having this exact conversation the other day!
i get these thoughts especially when i'm standing on the subway platform or trying to cross a busy street. it's not a "i want to die" thought process...more of a "what if" one.
Human Child
06-03-2005, 12:23 PM
I get them, too. Mostly, when hypomanic or mixed. - I've been stupid enough to climb up on the bridge railing to look down - not thinking I'm going to jump- but just to see what it felt like, and what I would hit. And, probably, daring chance by putting myself in harms way.
I sometimes have visions of doing swan dives off bridges. If up high like on a deck, edge of a cliff, I might think I might run and jump off.
I do something similar when driving in a hypo/mixed state - have thoughts and urges to steer the car into a tree. Sometimes, I speed around curves and bends as if I'm daring myself - to see what will happened.
I don't know - maybe this different from what is being described in this thread. Never had a sU attempt, but have flirted with su thoughts for years.
Strangly, as Dave mentioned, I don't usually get these notioins when depressed. If I think about su at all when depressed, it's because I really am considering ending it, but I don't go through the strange, daredevil motions mentioned above.
Mentioned above - it's almost like I'm flirting with the idea, but not really considering doing it.
Sorry if I'm totally off track here.
I sometimes have visions of doing swan dives off bridges. If up high like on a deck, edge of a cliff, I might think I might run and jump off.
I do something similar when driving in a hypo/mixed state - have thoughts and urges to steer the car into a tree. Sometimes, I speed around curves and bends as if I'm daring myself - to see what will happened.
I don't know - maybe this different from what is being described in this thread. Never had a sU attempt, but have flirted with su thoughts for years.
Strangly, as Dave mentioned, I don't usually get these notioins when depressed. If I think about su at all when depressed, it's because I really am considering ending it, but I don't go through the strange, daredevil motions mentioned above.
Mentioned above - it's almost like I'm flirting with the idea, but not really considering doing it.
Sorry if I'm totally off track here.
JustDave4now
06-03-2005, 07:55 PM
Human Child,
If you ask me, you are right on track. I never really mentioned it to anyone, but I wonder how many BP people get this. sometimes it almost not a thought, but an odd urge, like and itch. LOL.
I get it all the time, always controllable, but I have had the car thing too, exspecially when I go over high bridges with Low railings, odd I have something with heights I guess.
Hmmmmm
If you ask me, you are right on track. I never really mentioned it to anyone, but I wonder how many BP people get this. sometimes it almost not a thought, but an odd urge, like and itch. LOL.
I get it all the time, always controllable, but I have had the car thing too, exspecially when I go over high bridges with Low railings, odd I have something with heights I guess.
Hmmmmm
Human Child
06-03-2005, 08:22 PM
Dave,
I think I have the height thing too.
Here's an odd fact I have to add:
When I was a child, my father (who was sixteen when I was born, so he was just a kid himself) used to hang me by my hands over bridges and laugh. He would just let me dangle over the water and laugh. I would be petrified. I kept thinking he was going to get an itch and drop me.
Then, when we went to Niagra Falls, he kept chasing me around and asking me if I wanted to go for a swim.
No, he wasn't BP. That was my mother. Not sure what was wrong with him.
Best wishes
HC
I think I have the height thing too.
Here's an odd fact I have to add:
When I was a child, my father (who was sixteen when I was born, so he was just a kid himself) used to hang me by my hands over bridges and laugh. He would just let me dangle over the water and laugh. I would be petrified. I kept thinking he was going to get an itch and drop me.
Then, when we went to Niagra Falls, he kept chasing me around and asking me if I wanted to go for a swim.
No, he wasn't BP. That was my mother. Not sure what was wrong with him.
Best wishes
HC
Soul Astray
06-03-2005, 09:40 PM
I do this, too. Usually when I'm hypomanic or in a mixed state. It's weird because I don't even want to die. I'm more like life feels hopeless sometimes but someone out there is in worse shape than I am and I would never put my family through that kind of grief. But, it's like you all said. It's a "what if" thing.
I used to live close to a railroad crossing and I'd go walking in the evenings usually when it was time for a train. I had some kind of odd fascination with trains. Like, what if my shoe got caught in the tracks and I got run over. What would it feel like. Would I be run over or would the train be moving so fast that I stuck to the front of it. Would it rip my arms and legs off? What would that feel like? Just weird thoughts like that. Sometimes I would stand in the middle of the tracks and wait until it got so close that I almost didn't have time to move. It gave me some kind of strange rush that I almost didn't escape death.
I also have those thoughts when I'm driving. I will fly around curves and wonder what would if feel like if the car suddenly flipped or what it would sound like when the metal and glass crashes on the highway.
Yikes. It's scary.
I used to live close to a railroad crossing and I'd go walking in the evenings usually when it was time for a train. I had some kind of odd fascination with trains. Like, what if my shoe got caught in the tracks and I got run over. What would it feel like. Would I be run over or would the train be moving so fast that I stuck to the front of it. Would it rip my arms and legs off? What would that feel like? Just weird thoughts like that. Sometimes I would stand in the middle of the tracks and wait until it got so close that I almost didn't have time to move. It gave me some kind of strange rush that I almost didn't escape death.
I also have those thoughts when I'm driving. I will fly around curves and wonder what would if feel like if the car suddenly flipped or what it would sound like when the metal and glass crashes on the highway.
Yikes. It's scary.
Zbaby
06-04-2005, 03:08 AM
Similar thoughts have come to my head, but these moments flash so quickly that I don't dive into details. I think the fascination stems from the concept of vulnerability and, if you were vindictive or suicidal, how easy it would be to hurt yourself or someone else. I am neither, so I don't worry when they crop up. If you're capable of having positive "what ifs?" (what if I win the lottery, what if I meet Ewan McGregor (or whoever your favorite movie star is) and we fall madly in love, what if my son turns out to be a genius capable of supporting me in retirement) then it seems natural to have the negative "what ifs?" too.
These thoughts crop up at either extreme of the mood scale. A recurring one is what if I'd been sitting in my diningroom when that car crashed into our bay window (a true occurence in my teen years: with all the shards of glass and force of impact you can imagine the gore). What if I crashed my car while my son and/or husband was a passenger. What if I lost my balance while leaning over the edge of a balcony. What if I suffered a major accident that mangled my body and yet I lived.
Like I said, I'm not particularly alarmed because if you have the creativity to imagine positive scenarios, then you're just as capable of imagining negative ones that you'll probably never act on but none the less crop up at odd times.
These thoughts crop up at either extreme of the mood scale. A recurring one is what if I'd been sitting in my diningroom when that car crashed into our bay window (a true occurence in my teen years: with all the shards of glass and force of impact you can imagine the gore). What if I crashed my car while my son and/or husband was a passenger. What if I lost my balance while leaning over the edge of a balcony. What if I suffered a major accident that mangled my body and yet I lived.
Like I said, I'm not particularly alarmed because if you have the creativity to imagine positive scenarios, then you're just as capable of imagining negative ones that you'll probably never act on but none the less crop up at odd times.
angelblue65
06-10-2005, 01:55 PM
Dave, I had to add to this thread - after I read this I told my BF and when I gave him the examples that everyone talked about, he broke out into this big grin and kept nodding saying "yep, that's exactly what happens". The whole height thing, driving dangerously, the random thoughts....wow, I had no idea.
Keep posting these interesting threads of yours!
Keep posting these interesting threads of yours!
majictux
06-11-2005, 03:15 PM
I have never been diagnosed with bi polar disorder and I have had a odd wandering thought since my teen years and still to this day........ mine is usually when riding in a car wanting to open the door and just jump out. I keep the doors locked at all times.
kimber lee
06-11-2005, 04:30 PM
Hey Dave, no your not the only one, i get far more interesting thoughts that cross my head when i am manic, its i think because, we have such creative open minds that its ok to let those thought pass by us, everyone has thier own little trip they trip on, and some are really funky and dont make sense, infact none of them make sense really. You sound like you are a bright creative person , you probably have an interest in writing, and a vivid imagination, a daredevil thrill seeker in a sort. which you would be lucky there because that makes you all that more interesting. Not all people really have a clue as to what we think sometimes, but i'll tell ya my fasination(i guess), I am an animal trainer for a living, and i am so almost ready all the time to enter the coral with this big mean bull that i feed, what would happen would he kill me right off or would i suffer a slow death with his horns gouged in my heart, exciting,? sick, or just creative? your ok, we all have weird thoughts that pass through, and some thoughts we have that stay and reacure, well gott go,(hey did you ever jump out of your crib when you were a babY?!!!)
kimber
kimber
kbatten278
06-14-2005, 12:46 PM
wow...i am sure you all have had this same experience i am having now..to read the things you all are posting and know that i do the same thing. That i am not alone. That it isn't just me... It helps me keep perspective in knowing that there are things i can control and things i can't. I have had the thoughts you all are talking about so many times. i am usually in a mixed state or hypomania. again i want to thank you all for sharing your thoughts, it really helps me in knowing i am not alone in all of this.
kbatten
kbatten