Yesterday marked one year since I've lost my husband. All day yesterday I sat staring into space feeling numb and didn't quite know what to do with myself. I cried for about 30 minutes but then just couldn't cry any more. I didn't even have the energy to take a shower or move. I just sat and stared and smoked 2 packs of cigarettes.

Today I feel even worse. I feel so much pain inside yet I try to hold it in for fear that if I start to cry again, I'll never stop and that would be upsetting to my kids. I have no energy and in a way just feel sort of numb-sad. It's taking all my strength to type this post. After I'm done I'll probably just go sit and stare again. I don't know what else to do.

Before this day came I had thought about all the ways I could pay tribute to him, such as taking out a space in the paper to display a poem to him, having family over for a special dinner and private memorial, etc. Instead I did nothing but sit and stare. What's wrong with me?

I think it is natural to celebrate (in one way or another) the passing of a loved one and mate. Many religions and cultures allow for a year of mourning to recognize and remember the passing of someone near and dear. I think this probably what's happening. Perhaps sub-consciously (now consciously) you now realize that it been a whole year since your husband's passing and now, in some ways you may not have yet considered, you will be moving on. Take time, take care, and allow yourself to grieve and then release that grief. chris