I_M_Scared
06-04-2005, 06:36 PM
Hi. I posted in the Anxiety board, and someone there said I sounded like I have OCD.
I hope someone can help me, as my name says, I am very scared.
Firstly, I am 31, female and single with no kids. I was married once and have been in a monogamous 6 year relationship as of now.
I can also admit I was molested at the age of around 5 years. That was a one time occurence that only occasionally bothered me. In fact, I felt almost triumphant at the fact of how much it did not bother me.
All of my life, I have been a worrier. You name it, I was afraid of it.
Some examples: I shared a cola with a friends mom and worried all night I now had AIDS.
When my breasts were developing, I feared I had Cancer.
Every lump, bump whatever is Cancer (fueled in part to my mom dying of lung cancer when I was 22)
Fear that when a friend of mine skipped school when we were in high school, I would be held responsible and forsaw the entire trial in my head.
I also have panic attacks that make my heart race and an overwhelming fear of dying. This is not helped by the added problems of my actually having a bad form of arthritis that requires special meds with their own side effects.
Worry worry worry......
Anyway, the latest problem has been the worst of them all....
About two months ago, I was studying for exams as I had finally returned to college.
There was a program on in the background about sex and harming kids...with news breaks about Michale Jackson to boot....Since that time, my mind whirls with these things. The cycle kind of goes like this:
Hearin a trigger-a news clip, CSI, Law and Order-andy tv program...thoughts begin to pop into my head. Like hearing a song you can't get out of your head.
Then, I start to think, "Why am I so obsessed with this? Am I going to hurt someone?"
Then the gut retching fear that because these horrible thoughts are in my head, that must mean something. Then the guilt starts. I am a bad person. I can't be trusted around kids. I am horrible.
I am terrified if I hug my nephew, people will think I touched him innapropriately and I will be branded as a child molester.
After a few days, this cycle will subside. Then I think clearly and almost laugh at how silly I was to ever question myself.
Then, like a few nights ago, I read a magazine where a girl was talking about sexual abuse from a nun, and I panicked for almost 4 hours. I started reliving every moment of the last few days wondering if I have done something horribel. What other people will think of me. Again, I can almost see a courtroom trial and my being sent off to jail
I have not done anything wrong. What is going on?? This is ruining my life. I am beginning to see what people mean about social anxiety. I feel that if I just stay home and only watch sitcoms and cartoons, I will be okay and not hurt anyone.
I am also terrified that because I wrote this horrible thing out, that it will be used against me in my obsessive court room dramas.
I see my doctor on 6/6/05. I am going to get a refferal to a pdoc who specializes in what I am sure is OCD/anxiety/panic disorder.
I guess I should also throw it out there that I a very overweight woman who eats to cope. I have a fear of being thin and having men hit on me. I am trying to overcome this. I have health issues because of my size that would all but fo away if I was noramlly sized. I have even considered the gastric bypass as a last resort.
The doctor I am going to (hopefully) get reffered to specializes in weight problems too.
I hope someone can help me, as my name says, I am very scared.
Firstly, I am 31, female and single with no kids. I was married once and have been in a monogamous 6 year relationship as of now.
I can also admit I was molested at the age of around 5 years. That was a one time occurence that only occasionally bothered me. In fact, I felt almost triumphant at the fact of how much it did not bother me.
All of my life, I have been a worrier. You name it, I was afraid of it.
Some examples: I shared a cola with a friends mom and worried all night I now had AIDS.
When my breasts were developing, I feared I had Cancer.
Every lump, bump whatever is Cancer (fueled in part to my mom dying of lung cancer when I was 22)
Fear that when a friend of mine skipped school when we were in high school, I would be held responsible and forsaw the entire trial in my head.
I also have panic attacks that make my heart race and an overwhelming fear of dying. This is not helped by the added problems of my actually having a bad form of arthritis that requires special meds with their own side effects.
Worry worry worry......
Anyway, the latest problem has been the worst of them all....
About two months ago, I was studying for exams as I had finally returned to college.
There was a program on in the background about sex and harming kids...with news breaks about Michale Jackson to boot....Since that time, my mind whirls with these things. The cycle kind of goes like this:
Hearin a trigger-a news clip, CSI, Law and Order-andy tv program...thoughts begin to pop into my head. Like hearing a song you can't get out of your head.
Then, I start to think, "Why am I so obsessed with this? Am I going to hurt someone?"
Then the gut retching fear that because these horrible thoughts are in my head, that must mean something. Then the guilt starts. I am a bad person. I can't be trusted around kids. I am horrible.
I am terrified if I hug my nephew, people will think I touched him innapropriately and I will be branded as a child molester.
After a few days, this cycle will subside. Then I think clearly and almost laugh at how silly I was to ever question myself.
Then, like a few nights ago, I read a magazine where a girl was talking about sexual abuse from a nun, and I panicked for almost 4 hours. I started reliving every moment of the last few days wondering if I have done something horribel. What other people will think of me. Again, I can almost see a courtroom trial and my being sent off to jail
I have not done anything wrong. What is going on?? This is ruining my life. I am beginning to see what people mean about social anxiety. I feel that if I just stay home and only watch sitcoms and cartoons, I will be okay and not hurt anyone.
I am also terrified that because I wrote this horrible thing out, that it will be used against me in my obsessive court room dramas.
I see my doctor on 6/6/05. I am going to get a refferal to a pdoc who specializes in what I am sure is OCD/anxiety/panic disorder.
I guess I should also throw it out there that I a very overweight woman who eats to cope. I have a fear of being thin and having men hit on me. I am trying to overcome this. I have health issues because of my size that would all but fo away if I was noramlly sized. I have even considered the gastric bypass as a last resort.
The doctor I am going to (hopefully) get reffered to specializes in weight problems too.
Sponsor
basal1999
06-04-2005, 09:34 PM
you poor thing, i remember when i first
had intrusive thoughts, it is SO SO SCARY!!
you are NOT GOING CRAZY and are NOT going
to hurt anyone!!
do a search on ocd and intrusive thoughts if
you have not already and i'm sure you'll find good
answers to this mess.
have you read any previous post on this, they
are on this board and are very comforting, they
help me immensly (sp).
it's terrible that this makes good people question
everything in their lives and doubt who they really
are. you are the person you are when you are
calm and peacful.
everyone has weird thoughts and some people
just dismiss them as ridiculos (like my dh) and if
you have ocd/anxiety you start to worry why you
just thougth that and try to rationalize/anaylze a
reason and panic comes in and in the throws of panic
you think you will go crazy, etc..
this is a misfiring of the brain and NOT the real
you, no one with intrusive thoughts acts on them.
maybe you can call your doc and he can call
a small quanity and dosage into your drugstore
for xanex, etc. until you can get to the doctor.
if you tell him your having panic attacks and you
just want a few i don't think you will be denied.
it really takes the edge off.
hope this helps, let us know how you are.
kris
look for previous posts here....really helpful!!
had intrusive thoughts, it is SO SO SCARY!!
you are NOT GOING CRAZY and are NOT going
to hurt anyone!!
do a search on ocd and intrusive thoughts if
you have not already and i'm sure you'll find good
answers to this mess.
have you read any previous post on this, they
are on this board and are very comforting, they
help me immensly (sp).
it's terrible that this makes good people question
everything in their lives and doubt who they really
are. you are the person you are when you are
calm and peacful.
everyone has weird thoughts and some people
just dismiss them as ridiculos (like my dh) and if
you have ocd/anxiety you start to worry why you
just thougth that and try to rationalize/anaylze a
reason and panic comes in and in the throws of panic
you think you will go crazy, etc..
this is a misfiring of the brain and NOT the real
you, no one with intrusive thoughts acts on them.
maybe you can call your doc and he can call
a small quanity and dosage into your drugstore
for xanex, etc. until you can get to the doctor.
if you tell him your having panic attacks and you
just want a few i don't think you will be denied.
it really takes the edge off.
hope this helps, let us know how you are.
kris
look for previous posts here....really helpful!!
I_M_Scared
06-04-2005, 11:22 PM
THANK YOU for replying. I kept checking back hoping someone would reply. I am a wreck. I hate what is going on.
I feel like I am split into two people. One who is rational and knows better. The other is living in a surreal existance questioning her morality and goodness.
I was afraid to say what the thoughts in my head were-afraid of judgement and ridicule. I have only told two people who were close to me and extremely supportive. My best friend is studying to be a social worker. She is helping me greatly.
I have been reading and gainging perspective with the help of this board. Thru others' pain, I am seeing that I am not alone. This can be treated. I am having intrusive thoughts that I can overcome-they will not overcome me.
I know this is a malfunction of my brain, it does not mean I have turned into a bad person.
I did not think about asking my doctor to help me with meds while I wait for a pdoc appt. Good idea.
I started a new job and I go back to college next week. When I am occupied I can manage to exist. When I am alone, especially at night, I freak out because there is no distractions except tv.
I can't sleep well, and I am grouchy because of that. I am hoping that I can expedite a doc appt to help me. I am so greatfull to this site. At least I have an answer, now I can work on recovering.
THANKS!!!!!!!
I feel like I am split into two people. One who is rational and knows better. The other is living in a surreal existance questioning her morality and goodness.
I was afraid to say what the thoughts in my head were-afraid of judgement and ridicule. I have only told two people who were close to me and extremely supportive. My best friend is studying to be a social worker. She is helping me greatly.
I have been reading and gainging perspective with the help of this board. Thru others' pain, I am seeing that I am not alone. This can be treated. I am having intrusive thoughts that I can overcome-they will not overcome me.
I know this is a malfunction of my brain, it does not mean I have turned into a bad person.
I did not think about asking my doctor to help me with meds while I wait for a pdoc appt. Good idea.
I started a new job and I go back to college next week. When I am occupied I can manage to exist. When I am alone, especially at night, I freak out because there is no distractions except tv.
I can't sleep well, and I am grouchy because of that. I am hoping that I can expedite a doc appt to help me. I am so greatfull to this site. At least I have an answer, now I can work on recovering.
THANKS!!!!!!!
basal1999
06-05-2005, 12:12 PM
do you know about deep breathing?
it will help.
it will help.
I_M_Scared
06-08-2005, 09:35 PM
I have tried deep breathing. It helps a little.
Is it normal to feel like the thoughts are controlling even normal thoughts? I do not hear audible voices, but its almost like I hear someone telling me I am bad-probably my concious!!
For example: I am feeling okay and I think about someday being a mom, I almost immediatley have guilt of the previous bad thoughts come back in and make me think I am awful.
This sucks. I am calling the doctor tomorrow for my reffered appt.
I am so scared they are going to tell me I am a horrible person destined to do bad stuff.
Thanks for listening.
Is it normal to feel like the thoughts are controlling even normal thoughts? I do not hear audible voices, but its almost like I hear someone telling me I am bad-probably my concious!!
For example: I am feeling okay and I think about someday being a mom, I almost immediatley have guilt of the previous bad thoughts come back in and make me think I am awful.
This sucks. I am calling the doctor tomorrow for my reffered appt.
I am so scared they are going to tell me I am a horrible person destined to do bad stuff.
Thanks for listening.
bkm4673
08-22-2005, 07:41 PM
hey i really hope all goes well for you. I sometimes think im a bad person inside and im not it bugs me alot. Also my brother was murdered 1 year ago Billy Mosher is his name he was and is still my best friend and sometimes i trip so hard that i was a bad person to him but i wasnt we were best friends but i get these feelings like i am bad. I mean i am bad like in a good way but not as a person. I am a 32 yr old single healthy male and i have ocd i just trip out when i touch things but not trip out publicly just in my head. I hope im not confusing you but i hope u get fixed i was prescribed lexapro but i havent started taking them cause im worried its gonna change who i am and i do like myself deep down somewhere. Good luck i probably wasnt any help!sorry
Kathrin74
08-23-2005, 02:07 AM
Yeah, it does sound like OCD/intrusive thoughts.
Being split between "this is irrational and ridiculous" and "what if it is true anyway" is typical for OCD thoughts.
As the other people who replied said too, you are not alone. What you have does not make you a bad person in any way. It is your brain playing tricks on you. Like a hiccup of the brain, when your thoughts get stuck on something. I really believe it's a chemical thing.
And please don't think this is ruining your life. I thought way too long that I would never get rid of my OCD thoughts and behavior again, that I would be a prisoner of myself for the rest of my life. That thought was so scary. But I got help. I waited very long, but then the relief was enormous.
Medication works, as does cognitive-behavioral therapy.
BEST BEST WISHES!
Kathrin
Being split between "this is irrational and ridiculous" and "what if it is true anyway" is typical for OCD thoughts.
As the other people who replied said too, you are not alone. What you have does not make you a bad person in any way. It is your brain playing tricks on you. Like a hiccup of the brain, when your thoughts get stuck on something. I really believe it's a chemical thing.
And please don't think this is ruining your life. I thought way too long that I would never get rid of my OCD thoughts and behavior again, that I would be a prisoner of myself for the rest of my life. That thought was so scary. But I got help. I waited very long, but then the relief was enormous.
Medication works, as does cognitive-behavioral therapy.
BEST BEST WISHES!
Kathrin