Hi All!

I have a boyfriend from the Internet who has CP. He has spastic CP and has a lot of spasms. He has a pump to help him control the spasms. I'm an able-bodied person.

He's a SWEETIE!!! He has been a tremendous friend to me, and we seem to get along really, really well through Instant Messages and phone conversations. I'm meeting him, for the first time, this summer. Admittingly, I'm nervous. The last time I met a guy from the Internet, he was creepy! lol This guy, on the other hand, is very honest with me and has described himself well. So I guess step 1 is I need to meet him, only because you only get 20% of all human communication through the internet/phone. However, I feel like we have chemistry so far! :)

Anyway, I really like this guy a lot. The only concerns I have, at this point, in our relationship are financial. Also, distance. He lives on one end of the country; I live on the other! So 3000 miles separate us! EEK! It was a miracle that I had the money to buy airfare/hotel/rental car so I can see him this summer, and right now he's in school so he doesn't have the income to see me.

He's agreed to move to my city where I live as long as he's able to get resources.

The thing that worries me is, if this relationship works out upon meeting and if he is able to move here and we get married, etc., how will we be able to afford to live? Will he be able to get himself a job, or will I need to financially support him? (That would be hard on me if we had any kids because I really have always dreamed of staying home with my kids). What do you all think?

(I really like this guy; the only complaint I have is that he keeps me up late! lol)

Many people with CP are able to work, some are not. It depends a lot on the degree of their involvement. This is just something that the two of you will have to discuss and work out. It is really no different than any relationship. There is give and take, and if you two fall in love, you will figure out a way to make it work. Good luck!!!

Hi,
while I agree with Jlbalcer that this is something the two of you will need to discuss together I felt that I needed to say something here. The guy I dated has built a remarkable career and is able to support a family. His CP might be less involved than your boyfriend's though.

Wish you the best,
Syrinx

The fact that you are even considering dating a guy with CP brings a smile to my face.
I can't tell you how many girls have blew me off just by the way I walk. If it is meant to be it will be. It really is just like any other relationship, a lot of adjusting to attitudes, physical attributes, etc. nothing significantly different from dating an AB. If you really like him, go for it.

The thing that worries me is, if this relationship works out upon meeting and if he is able to move here and we get married, etc., how will we be able to afford to live? Will he be able to get himself a job, or will I need to financially support him? (That would be hard on me if we had any kids because I really have always dreamed of staying home with my kids). What do you all think?

I'd have to say it's great that your thinking this far ahead in the relationship. He must be a real special guy.. ;)

It's a little hard for me to comment on his level of functionallity and his level of involvment with his CP, just because I don't know him. No two people with CP are exactly alike, but most of us are able to make do in life and work around our physical challenges.

I have spastic diplegia and am otherwise a normal active/athletic guy.
I get around using 2 canes.. This doesn't keep me from living a fully functional life. I work full time, keep active - I'm an avid alpine skier- I train at the gym 5 days a week work full-time and I keep up on my studies to keep my mind fresh.

If you don't mind my asking, how did you feel when this guy told you about his CP? I've been in situations where I'm sitting down in a bar or something and some girl would walk up to me and start up a conversation, or show obvious signs of interest. I agree with Write that some people will just blow you off when they realize that you're not like the average Joe..

Yes this can be discouraging but I see it like this... My CP is a part of who I am... To a great extent it has shaped my personality and given me the ability to relate to others and be empathetic to their needs and their differences. It's given me the ability to realize the importance of optomistic thinking.. While I was not a born optomist, I try to think like one everyday.. Eventually it does become second nature.. If she isn't willing to accept the entire package then hey, it's better that I know this and we can move on and not waste each other's time.

Try to find out as much as possible about you bf's level of functionality... It's really up to the both of you to figure out what you're comfortable with. I encourage you to look at the whole picture... Chances are he'd be a different guy if it wasn't for his CP, not the guy you've come to know. Keep this in mind...


F.S

I totally agree with Freestyles about the point he made about your bf's being a different guy if he didn't have CP. I know my CP has shaped my mind, heart and personality. Affects the way I think in a lot of ways.

Just talk to him about all of these things, especially about his functionality so you can have the heads up and won't be surprised when you see him and can make accomodations if need be. Not knowing this could constitute a awkward upon seeing him. You wouldn't want that. It seems to me that both of you are honest to each other. Honesty is the best policy in any relationship so continue to be open and honest with all of your concerns and questions.

Hi Freestyles! First of all, I knew he had CP pretty much from the beginning. We met over the Internet and it was in his membership profile. I originally didn't know to what extent, but I guess I pretty much assumed the "stereotype" of CP meaning "using a wheelchair." (After reading posts on this site, I've since then learned that CP doesn't always mean "uses a wheelchair"; my guy, however, does). My first thought was, "Hmm... no wonder he's such a sweetie."

There's a long story behind us. You see, I went through a BRUTAL break up with an AB man I had been best friends/dating for nearly five years. I was MISERABLE. Within one week of the break up, I met my bf. And I was DELIGHTED to find someone to talk to!

I agree fully with what the last two of you said. I think Patrick's CP is what has helped to shape him as a person. I am an AB person, but I have experienced a tragic life full of rejection from my peers (perhaps due to my high IQ? Who knows). Patrick, likewise, has seen a lot of rejection, mostly due to his disability. I realized early on that his CP has actually made him a more caring, loving person, and to be honest, it attracts me to him!

Since I haven't met him face-to-face yet, I have to confess that I am a little nervous. Of course, even if he had been an AB person, I'd STILL be nervous. I'm not the "run out and meet random guys off the Internet" type, and here I am, flying across the country this August, to meet Patrick! Obviously, he has earned me trust and gained my attention--just by being there for me and being committed. We have told each other some of our "grossest" habits to help "prep" each other for meeting. So I'm curious to see how it all works out.

Also, to give you a better idea as to how Patrick is, he uses a wheelchair to get around. He has limited ability with his hands, mostly because of the spasms. He has a pump in his body to help distribute medicine to reduce the spasms. It was kind of scary when he told me about it because he said one time he nearly died during a surgery! EEK!!! But it really helps, he says, to control the spasms. Anyway, he said that his fingers curl. I assume this is because of lack of proper training (?), so he can only type with one finger. But he is comfortable using a computer and does really well. He can do most everything on his computer that I can do with mine. He cannot handwrite anything very well--coordination. He does not, however, use adaptive silverwear when he eats. He needs help doing a lot of daily things like going to the bathroom. He needs help turning his body around (ie. when he goes to sleep at night and wants to switch sides), so he has some kind of an adaptive sling that helps him to do that. He flat out told me early on that if we did marry, he wouldn't force me to put myself in charge of his needs; he would hire someone to do that. I'd probably still help him a little bit, though.

Anyway, that's plenty of information--I hope! :) Tell me if there's anything else you need to know. Patrick would like to get a job as a journalist, so I am hoping he can find a job there. He is slower than I am at typing, but then, I type extremely fast; I think he types very fast given that he only uses one finger.

Christina

Hi Christina,

Sorry about the late reply - Haven't had much time to keep up here lately.

It sounds like you're quite aware of Patrick's disability, probably because he's been upfront and honest about it. In my opinion, honesty is the single most important factor in a successful relationship, so it looks like you're off to a good start :)

As for his ability to be employeed, there are many organizations out there that adapt the workplace to accommodate a person with almost any level of disability. Since you said he's currently in school, I don't see why he wouldn't be able to hold a job as school requires just as much, if not more commitment as working full-time.. Workplaces can always be adapted. Sure he won't be able to build houses for a living (and neither can I) but he can find employment based on his skills and talents working within the scope of his ability, and this scope can be vast. :)

I'd encourage both of you to continue to be open and honest with each other.. Don't be afraid to ask questions if you have them.. Knowing him the best you possibly can will only bring you closer together... As in any relationship, having a good comfort level is imoportant.

I wish you two the best of luck..! You're probably very excited about meeting him (in person) for the first time. Let us know how it goes. :)

F.S

Hi! I am back from meeting Patrick in California!!! We hit it off REALLY well!!! He was everything he said he was and we had a blast together. In fact, I'm disappointed I didn't stay longer. Three days just wasn't enough time together.... but I'm already hoping to save up more money for another visit, possibly this spring.

Here are a few of our adventures that involved his CP:

I got to see how many really ignorant people there are, as Patrick has often told me, in regards to his disability. Several people in restaurants and coffee shops would talk straight to me and ask me questions about him. I then turned to Patrick and said, "Well, what do you think?" I'm sure he really surprised some people. Oh my gosh, a guy in a wheelchair can talk!!! Stop the presses! lol

Then there were the occasional times I was confused as his attendant. Let's see... cute single young blonde girl as an attendant to a cute single guy? I don't think that makes any sense.... lol

The funniest thing that happened (though at the time, it was the scariest thing) was when we were waiting for Outreach (ride with access) in downtown San Jose, and then this creepy looking guy came up. I was spooked because the guy looked messy and unkept and was staring straight into my eyes. He moved like a snake and my first reaction was to snatch my bookbag lest he should try to rob me. The guy asked me, "Hey, wanna go grab some munchies." Of course, I'm like NO WAY! Then I turned to Patrick and he immediately said, "Let's go!" So we started to leave and the guy said to Patrick, "It's nice to see you so happy." Now that we're far away from that creep, we can laugh over this, too. We both quickly concluded that this guy was a hooker-seeker. I turned to Patrick and asked him, "Do I look like a hooker?" ("Heck, no!" was his reply). I think maybe, looking back, this freaky hooker-seeker thought that Patrick's only way of getting a date was to pick up hookers or something. Hoo boy, was that dumb!!!! LOL

The only hard time we really experienced was when we were trying to leave Santa Cruz to return to San Jose. Patrick had already gotten prepaid roundtrip tickets (and was charged for it) and even had confirmation numbers for both the tickets AND for wheelchair access. Well would you believe, the 4:20 bus refused to take us because the driver "hadn't been notified?" Then the station employee gave us a hard time because we arrived a few minutes late for the bus so it was OUR fault we couldn't get a ride. Patrick and I are looking to complain with ADA, and he already is considering talking to his attorney about the issue. We did get free tickets back on another transport, though, so that helped. Still... the nerve!!!

But over all, in spite of the last issue I mentioned, which was clearly not Patrick's fault, we had a FANTASTIC time!!! Now I'm home, back in VA, and missing him soooo much!

I guess this little post will bring a lot of hope to those of you with CP who haven't had much dating experience. Just trust me, my boyfriend uses a wheelchair and probably has less mobility than many of you... and he found me, so it can happen!!!! :)

One last thing... on the plane ride home, another woman and I got into a conversation about our long-distance boyfriends. I smiled and said that mine talks to me on the phone EVERY DAY without exception. Let's just say I think that that made her jealous. In my mind, I couldn't have found a better boyfriend, and TRUST ME, I have seen other guys in the past... and they were slugs!!! So again, there is a LOT of hope for CP and dating! :)


Christina

Hi Christina,

If you don't mind me asking, what website did you meet your boyfriend from? People have been encouraging me to see what happens in the world of internet dating, and I'm not sure which site to choose. Thanks!

~Mollie

Mollie,

If Christine posts the site I'm sure it will be deleted because of the board posting rules, but it would be interesting to know none the less.

I've always been leary of internet dating as I think the vast majority of people are either desperate, misrepresent themselves or just plain wierd. :eek: It is nice to hear about success stories every now and then.

Oh, I forgot about the posting rules. I feel the same way as you do, so I am sort of hesitant to try it. But, I have heard a few success stories. I can't decide if I'm missing out on something or not.

Well, I can't tell you specifically where I met my boyfriend. I will comment on Internet dating, though. I have been looking online for several years without any luck. The place where I found him was a Christian site, and it wasn't geared towards dating. Maybe you need to join a site based on your hobbies and interests instead of the typically advertised online dating sites. Good luck!!!

Christina

He has spastic CP and has a lot of spasms. He has a pump to help him control the spasms.

I must ask this even if I know it is out of the actual topic: what kind of pump he uses? I have spasms too (appearing usually with sudden impulses) I would be more than happy if there was some way to control them!

My boyfriend has an Intrathecal Baclofen Pump for Severe Spasticity. You can try plugging that in on an online search engine to learn more. He has had it for many years now. Every 3 months he goes to get a refill for the pump, a simple procedure which only takes a short period of time. Every 3 years, he receives a new pump. He was one of the first people in California to have one, and lots of doctors asked him all about it in the beginning. Now it is becoming more common.

He used to spasm all the time and all over his body. Now he only spasms on one side and less frequently. Occasionally he also still has a few back spasms, but it is far less severe than it used to be, he says.

There are risks to this pump, however. Once while my boyfriend was getting it replaced, he almost died. You have to be careful! However, it has greatly improved his life, too.