I just got home with my nephew and have been browsing this forum building the courage to post now that my nephew has fallen asleep. Just five hours ago I went with my family to fathers day dinner and afterwards I went home on my own because I had to work that night. My mother, father, brother, brothers wife and nephew were going out together to a party at a friends house. Well a police officer showed up at my work and asked me to sit down in my office and asked me if my father own this car. At that point I was told what happened and the officer took me to pickup my nephew and identify the bodies. My mother is in the hospital in stable condition and they say she will make it through. My father, brother and his wife didn't make it. I'm single and 24 years old and I know I have to take in my nephew but I don't know if I have the courage and strength for it. How could this happen on fathers day to two fathers. I feel guilty because I'm not with my mother but I can't leave my newphew Chris alone either.

This is the worst day of my life and my mother can't afford to take little Chris but I can't give him to the state but I fear the state will take him away because I might endup unfit because of my own loss of both my father and brother. I haven't even had a chance to process that my dad is dead.

I just can't answer Chris everytime he asks me when his mom and dad will pick him up. Even when I tell him they are gone and dead he doesn't believe me and he just went to sleep like he was spending the night. He just won't accept it and I can't imagine how he will react when the fact settles in that his parents aren't coming back and won't be picking him up.

I still don't know what happened and when the police took us home they said that DCF would be coming to my place tommorrow morning to interview Chris and I and go over what forms of help and treatment are available and what they recommand doing based on their evaluation.

I'm just so scared right now because I can't allow Chris to not have me there for him when he needs me. He is only 7 years old and he has always been close to me always wanting to sleepover and go mini golfing with me and such. I know he will want me there and I can't stand the thought of me not being there for him when he needs me the most while always being there for him when he least needed me.

How could they throw him onto me without any warning not knowing what condition he would be in not knowing what he would say or want from me. I love him to death and would always take me in but how could they just picking me up by the police and say almost all my family is dead on fathers day and say oh you need to take your nephew home tonight. How the hell can they ****ing do this.

I dont reply to many post nowadays but yours touched me simply because I could be in your shoes at least to some extent. My brother and I have arranged with each that if anything happens we want each to raise our children just so happens my brotehr is being deployed later this year and I will have my nephew along with my own two sons for 6 months(4 of those months my own husband will be deployed). I know during that time I will be scared to death anytime the phone rings or someone knocks on my door but its something I want and have to do so it makes it easier for me~ its a choice. Your case it isnt a choice and I do agree it isnt fair in the least and my heart goes out to you.
What you can do right now while your nephew is asleep cry rant and rave all you want. Do what feels right to you screaming into a pillow might help. In the morning when the DCF person shows up make sure to find out what support groups you yourself can go to.
Believe it or not you can do this simply because you love your nephew and he needs that so much right now. It may not seem like it now because everything is hitting you fast and furious and things will keep coming at you for a few weeks but once things settle you can see that you can do this. Just make sure to follow through on the offers ot support.

Thanks. Its just very hard for me because being a few years out of college you just never plan or expect all the sudden to have something like this happen. Your whole life of school and learning just can't prepare you for something like this. I feel like I'm a little 9 year old kid not understanding much of the world at all.

I know I'll need support for both of us for as long as it takes. One thing that can keep me going is my deep respect for my brother when I was sick as a kid. He was the one person who could always get me to laugh and feel better. That alone would drive me to fight for his memory alone.

What was so shocking for me was that I never even thought that my family was involved when the police officer showed up. Now I had no idea why the cop was asking to talk with me but my family was last on that list that was for sure.

I do feel for you and your family and hope that you never get a phonecall or doorbell ring because my guess it that expecting the call might be worse if you got it than having it sprung all at once. Beyond that I think a loss is just as hard regardless of how you hear about it.

I'm just so wired right now with millions of thoughts going around in my head and I feel like I'll never sleep again. I've gone through in my mind so far about 5 ways of how I'm going to screw everything up and even though I try to block them out I just can't do it. My problem is now that I'm so stressed that I have to force myself to calm down or I could make myself very sick. I just can't have my blood pressure going nuts. I'm scared of just being by myself not being able to get myself help if I need it. This was exactly why I stayed single because its not good for me to have constant stress in my life.

At least for now I don't feel that bad considering.

What is pretty good about the web is that I can actually say what I'm thinking and feeling but would never at least not now have the courage to say to another person. I guess my goal for the next few days is to stay healthy and keep my sanity. I'm hoping that the DCF person can help me break the news to Chris. I think tommorrow morning will be one very hard day for both Chris and myself.

My heart goes out to you. You need to take things one hour at a time right now. Do you have any other family you could call Aunts, Uncles, cousins? what about friends that might be able to come and be with you? you might not think that you can do this, but you can. Chris needs you now more than anything else, he needs you to love him and just be there for him. In the morning, you need to ask for counseling for yourself and for Chris. Your mom may not be able to financially help you but just having her in you and Chris' lifes right now is going to be important. Chris is so young that he might not grasp what you have told him about his parents and your father, that and he may be in shock, he was in the accident with them so it is hard to say what he did or did not see. The next few days will be like you are living in a dream world, but you can make it through this.. believe it or not God does not give us more than we can bear... take one step at a time, just keep reminding Chris that you will be there for him.. dont think that you can not do this, you can, chris needs you right now, but you also need him.. you will find a way to make it work. my prayers are with you, your mom and chris.

Ann

Its understandable that you didnt think it was your family many people would be that way because it is so hard to loss those close to us that we dont normally think of it.

I wouldnt stress over what you might screw up believe it or not every parent has those thoughts when expecting their first child or holding their first child in their arms. It is one of the scariest but most wonderful things one can experience strange way to put it I know. There are still times that I look at my sons and wonder if Im doing things right or not. So like I said I wouldnt stress over what you may screw up on. As my g-ma says dont go borrowing trouble when your plate is already full. Like the other poster said go minute by minute to hour by hour to day by day and eventually you will get through this.
The internet is truly wonderful when it comes to spilling your deepest fears thoughts out because you dont have to worry about the faces on the other side.
There are also many helpful people on this board.

Thanks for the advice. I never considered that Chris might be in shock because I don't know what he did or didn't see. He may of seen something and doesn't remember it right now. From what I gathered one side of the car was pretty much caved in and the only two people who survived were on the opposite side of the impact. My mother was driving while Chris was directly in the back seat. My father was in the passenger front set while my brother and his wife were in the back seat next to Chris. From what I was told by the hospital Chris and my mother survived because the rest of them shielded them from the impact. All that I know was that my mother had several broken ribs and a skull fracture while Chris was found underneath his mother and wasn't awake and didn't wakeup until they started an IV. At least that is what the hospital said was in the EMS reports.

Because of what the report said is why I don't think Chris was aware that his parents died and he thinks they are just in the hospital and is just waiting for them to get better and pick him up.

One thing is for sure I know he saw something or is badly scared of something because about two hours ago he woke up screaming and it took me until this post to calm him down and get him back to sleep. He didn't want to talk much but wouldn't let me leave the room and wanted to TV on. I'm very sure now that he will need more support and help than I will. I at least understand what has just happened and I don't think he does even when he knows his parents aren't coming back.

I am glad to know that some of my feelings occur with most new parents and it made me feel much better to just lay in bed with him while he was scared. That made me feel good that we wanted me with him and didn't want me to leave. That for some maybe selfish reason brightened my night and told me in my gut that my family would be very proud to have him in good hands. It feels so selfish to say that but I believe more than ever that this is exactly why they wanted me to be his godfather because my brother knew that I would put my life aside for him and what is amazing about this is that for once in my life I didn't care much about my career anymore at least not in the sameway.

Now I will admit that my life has been shattered into a different direction than I wanted but I understand that for now its not about what I want anymore. That for me these last few hours has been very hard for me to accept and even now as I type this I'm still not sure that I can accept it even though I want to accept it.

I'm very thankfull for your kind words knowing that its very hard for most people on the web to constantly read posts from people who just want attention. When I posted at first I was kindof expecting some bashing even though I didn't really care but I'm glad to you have been so kind and understanding and most of all taking the time to read what I have typed. Again thank you very much for your kindness.

My heart goes out to you. You need to take things one hour at a time right now. Do you have any other family you could call Aunts, Uncles, cousins? what about friends that might be able to come and be with you? you might not think that you can do this, but you can. Chris needs you now more than anything else, he needs you to love him and just be there for him. In the morning, you need to ask for counseling for yourself and for Chris. Your mom may not be able to financially help you but just having her in you and Chris' lifes right now is going to be important. Chris is so young that he might not grasp what you have told him about his parents and your father, that and he may be in shock, he was in the accident with them so it is hard to say what he did or did not see. The next few days will be like you are living in a dream world, but you can make it through this.. believe it or not God does not give us more than we can bear... take one step at a time, just keep reminding Chris that you will be there for him.. dont think that you can not do this, you can, chris needs you right now, but you also need him.. you will find a way to make it work. my prayers are with you, your mom and chris.

Ann

I wanted to let you know I am so sorry this happened to you. I support what Ann said, especially the last paragraph and you will be in my prayers. You and Chris both will need eachother, it is true, and you will get through this time. You sound very wise and strong, it is wonderful you have posted on this board and been able to get some encouragement and support at this time.

Well DCF came in the morning and went over everything. I've spent all day getting everything done that I needed to get done. Firstly DCF has said they want him to stay with me so that makes me feel a whole lot better. Now as I thought he took the news very badly (worse than I thought he would) while DCF was there and they scheduled a crisis doctor appointment for that afternoon mainly for him. We will be seeing this doctor on a daily basis. Now DCF provided those services for free until I can get him on my companies insurance and that has been where the big problems started.

My insurance company will not accept him and when I asked them why here is what they said.

One reason being that they wouldn't cover mental healthcare and because of this he would be a high risk for non mental heathcare so they won't even cover him at all regardless of mental coverage. So I had to spend nearly all late afternoon at my local social security office to get him Medicaid (I think this is what they call it). So for him to get this they need me to apply for SSI on his behalf. In his case they are going to rush the paperwork and he would have coverage within about one month and any bills I have before that they would backpay them. DCF suggested I get him SSI even though I could pay the bills because they believe within the next year he will need inpatient treatment which would indeed put a strain on us.

At least for now he won't eat and when he does he just throws it up time after time so for now I'm just letting him sleep and staying with him while he is awake. I left a message for DCF asking them what I should do if he continues to get sick and refuse to eat anything. I just feel so helpless and if I feel this way I just can't imagine what he feels like. I can surely say that my life has just been shoved into one new and interesting (unknown) path. That is by far the hardest thing for me because I don't like having most of my life being unkown. Some of my life I can handle just not all of it. I have quite a hard time dealing with everyday tasks if I don't have order.

At least for now he will be seeing a doctor everyday of the week (even on the weekends) until they tell me otherwise.

I dont know what DCF told you regarding his not eating, but i wouldnt force him to eat, when he is hungry he will eat.. he is a scared little boy who needs all of your love and support right now, which you seem prepared to give him.. heck you probably feel like throwing up right now also. as far as him needing to be an inpatient at somepoint, they should not of said that, of course he is having problems dealing with all of this right now he is only 7 years old. I wouldnt allow him to be hospitalized at anytime unless YOU are 100% sure that he can not get the help that he needs otherwise. you are a wonderful uncle who is doing everything that you can for your nephew, the two of you will be fine, just take one day or one hour at a time right now.. remember your brother and his wife loved and trusted you enough to be his godfather and now they(and your father) are in heaven watching you care for their son. the two of you will find a way to get through this, go with your gut instinct when it comes to making decisions for Chris.. dont let anyone else tell you that what you are doing is wrong if you feel in your heart that what you are doing is right... my thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through this... by the way, how is your mother doing???

I dont know what DCF told you regarding his not eating, but i wouldnt force him to eat, when he is hungry he will eat.. he is a scared little boy who needs all of your love and support right now, which you seem prepared to give him.. heck you probably feel like throwing up right now also. as far as him needing to be an inpatient at somepoint, they should not of said that, of course he is having problems dealing with all of this right now he is only 7 years old. I wouldnt allow him to be hospitalized at anytime unless YOU are 100% sure that he can not get the help that he needs otherwise. you are a wonderful uncle who is doing everything that you can for your nephew, the two of you will be fine, just take one day or one hour at a time right now.. remember your brother and his wife loved and trusted you enough to be his godfather and now they(and your father) are in heaven watching you care for their son. the two of you will find a way to get through this, go with your gut instinct when it comes to making decisions for Chris.. dont let anyone else tell you that what you are doing is wrong if you feel in your heart that what you are doing is right... my thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through this... by the way, how is your mother doing???

Just so you know I wasn't forcing him to eat but I do need to know what to do if he continues to refuse to eat because that isn't good either. I've been telling him all day if he wants something to eat just tell me and I will get what he wants. I've even offered to take him to DQ and he refused and that isn't like him because he has always begged me to take him there everytime I see him. That is more about what I'm worried about. So far he has gone at least 28 hours without any type of food or drink and I've brought up dinner for him (P&J sandwidth and juice) about 4 hours ago and told him if he feels like he wants to eat its there and if not to just rest. He knows full well I won't be mad at him if he doesn't eat or if he doesn't want what I brought. He didn't even touch any of it so far.

Also DCF told me he could need to be hospitalized but at worst case and this comment had more todo with insurance than anything else but they did tell me he may need it because of how badly he handled this situation. Now nothing is wrong with that but he might need more help coping that I can't give him that only a 24x7 trained and controlled staff can provide. Now that is the last thing I would allow but I had to consider it and be ready for it if the time comes.

The only thing I'm worried about right now is if I'm going to take him to the ER. He just isn't eating, getting sick, complaining of stomach pain (last 6 hours or so) and I've noticed that he is sweating and has a small fever within the last several hours. That combined with refusing all types of food and bribes has me worried that something else is wrong besides just being upset about the news. I thinking the hospital might have overlooked his damages from the crash even though they did an MRI and xrays of his stomach and chest because of his mother being found on top of him. I just don't think they would miss that but he seems within the last couple hours to have gotten worse with new symptoms. I just hate to put him through more tests and needle pricks after this day just because I'm worried.

Oh and my mother is doing fine but she will need many months of healing up.

Mark,

What a situation you've been thrown into. It sounds as though you are a caring guy and will be more than able to stand in your brothers place as Chris' "father figure".

How are you handling the loss of so many family members? You probably haven't had any time to grieve with all the things you've had to deal with.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I think you'll be just fine.

Sue

Mark,

What a situation you've been thrown into. It sounds as though you are a caring guy and will be more than able to stand in your brothers place as Chris' "father figure".

How are you handling the loss of so many family members? You probably haven't had any time to grieve with all the things you've had to deal with.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I think you'll be just fine.

Sue

I'm trying to fill my brothers shoes as best as I can. I'm not sure when I can truely start to grieve because I don't see myself getting that chance for quite a while.

Also I did take Chris to the ER last night and he has a very bad stomach ulcer brought on my stress. I ended up taking him when his fever reached 100. They gave him some medication and he has been getting better. He still isn't eating much but he did eat something and he's drinking quite a bit.

Also the doctors think this ulcer might be a part of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. They told me that his fever was caused because his immune system has become weaker because of his extreme stress. I might have to consider him going on anxiety medication even though my family including myself don't believe in using these drugs. We feel they do more harm than good but this might be the one exception to this rule.

One good note was that they put Chris in the same room with my mother and the look in my mothers eyes was just pure joy. They talked to each other for a while and that gave me a chance to go over some things with her.

Also I had to show up at the giving of their wills along with setting up the funeral arrangements.

My brother left Chris their house while I'm POA until he's 18. My father left me his business so I'll have to consider this greatly. This is just way too much to think about right now. I've been forced to write this stuff down because I can't even remember it all.

I'm very sure we all will get through this but its going to be very hard.

You'll find out that you're stronger than you thought you were. You have alot on your plate right now. Just remember to take care of yourself too!

It is good that you found out what was wrong with Chris.. you might want to consider the anxiety medications just to help him get through all of this. hopefully he and your mom will both continue to heal and you will be able to grieve for your family. one thing that i have found out these last 39 days (since my son passed away) is that you will grieve in whatever way is right for you.. there is no "right" way to grieve. stay strong, but let yourself grieve also. reading your messages you sound like you are coping with your situation in as positive of a way as you can. i will keep you in my prayers.

Ann

I have been keeping up with your updates, and I am truly inspired and amazed by your strength and courage. I'm nearly 30 and can't imagine what I would do in your shoes. You are a strong and amazing and you are in my thoughts these days. That little boy is lucky to have you to look up to in the long run. Good luck, my friend, although you don't need it; you have all the capabilities and strength already in you. - Jennifer

Thanks for the kind words. I'm just doing my best but I feel close to having a breakdown. It just feels like I can't sustain everything long enough. I'll say this much I can't remember the last time I dreamed and I'm having nightmares. I'll say this much Ann your a very strong person to last 39 days with your own son. I couldn't even imagine how I would be if it was my own son. I just believe in my heart that its not the same to lose a brother as it is say a child of your own. I'm not saying that one doesn't mean as much as the other but when its yours and something you helped create that just to me seems like it would be harder to deal with. I hope I didn't upset anyone but your very strong from where I'm sitting.

Oh and DCF came again today and I told them about Chris and they made a special appointment with the doctor that day to start him on some anxiety medications.

Also the doctor got a report faxed to him from the ER and the ER said that he had a peptic ulcer and I've looked this up and I'm not sure what it means. From my understanding is that he would I guess caugh or throwup blood but I never saw this but I wasn't in the ER all the time so maybe he did this when I was out of the room. He also seems a little young to have this but I don't really know. One thing they can say is that it was caused by extreme stress so meds would help him greatly I think. At least my boss was nice enough to give me as much time off as I needed with pay as long as I do as much work at home as I can. That is exactly what makes it hard to decide if I want to take over my fathers business because I make so much money and have a great boss. Again I don't like change and I like where I am currently. My other problem is that I don't want to sell my fathers business because I feel that would be an insult to his memory because of all the work he put into it to keep it going and strong.

I swear nothing ever gets easier. Its like they say when it rains it poors. Everything hits you all at once instead of in steps.

Mark

It sounds like you are doing a great job with Chris. Stress can do strange things to a person, so i am not surprised that he has an ulcer. Is there anyone else that can help you out with your Dad's business until you are able to think it through what you want to do? you are under way to much stress yourself right now to have to make a decision regarding your dad's business.
I know what you are going through losing your brother, i lost my sister due to a car accident when i was a teenager. you life will never be the same, you are changed forever, but it is something that you will eventually learn to deal with. This might sound stupid, but when people say that things will get back to normal at some point, your "normal" will never be the same, you will have a new normal way of life now and you will adjust to it. Did your brother and his wife live near you? if so, it might help Chris if you could take him and have him spend some time with his friends. If not, do any of your friends have younger siblings or cousins that he could play with? it might help to get his mind off of his parents and grandpa :angel: for a little while. Your boss sounds like a good guy so i can understand you not wanting to change your job situation, especially if that is what you went to college to do... it will all work out in the end. just have faith that the decisions that you are making are for the best. my thoughts and prayers are with you, chris and your mom.

Ann

Well this has been one heck of a month and I'm sorry I haven't updated quicker. I haven't even used the computer that much this last month. The first three weeks after my last post didn't go very well at all. It seems that Chris saw and remembers everything that happened up until impact. He keeps having the nightmare of the truck hitting the car and he wakes up. Its been hard dealing with him because he has been very edgy. One minute he would just get set off and start after me and would hit me over and over crying that its his fault or something else. I endup having to hold him down so he would stop kicking me and saying everything I can think about to calm him down. Just so you know I never punish him and I don't hold him down hard but more in a hugging position.

Now the last two weeks up until tonights post was spent at Disney World. I asked him if he could pick one place to go that he would like that would make him feel better he in an instant said Disney World. Well all I can say is that this trip made more difference than I could ever imagine. We had a chance to really actually talk about things in the hotel and that has helped him greatly. He told me things I never thought he would even say. For one his extreme stress afterwords I believe now was caused by what he tells me he said to his parents on fathers day.

From what he said his parents and him had a fight because they wouldn't let him stay with me (because I had to work). He was upset because his dad couldn't see his play in school because he had to work. Well Chris said he hated his parents and said he never wanted to see them again and wanted to live with Uncle Mark because he doesn't miss my play. He ended up breaking down the second weekend at Disney World and telling me this.

No wonder he had stress because what he kinda wished for is actually what happened. I had to spend the whole night telling him that his parents know he didn't mean it and that they would never want this to happen because of what you said. I just had no idea about this guilt he was feeling. I just can't imagine a 7 year old having this happen.

All I can say is that the first week at Disney World wasn't great and was full of stress and worry. But I can say that the last week was exciting and very fun and as you might guess very different. For once it seemed that we were both at ease and not thinking about anything but the next show, ride or attraction we wanted to go and see.

On a sidenote on the first week while at the park it seemed that some people just can't keep their mouths shut. This one father started making snide remarks about me being a bad father and having no control over my son when Chris started crying at the table while we had lunch. I just lost it and yelled at this guy telling him everything that we went through. I feel very ashamed about letting all my anger out on this guy but he did ask for it in a way.

At least it did justice because the guy read about that in the paper and said right away that was your family. At that time I was still mad and told the guy or yelled at the guy telling him we came here to get away from this event.

I'm also going to let him go back to public school and I'm in the process of moving from my house and moving back into his house which we wanted. He wants to go to his school and still be with his friends so for me that is a no brainer. Its amazing how many things can be talked about in just 1-2 hours per day for 7 days. I'm talking about important things being talked about. I'm just going to rent my old place for now just in case he wants to move back. You just never know and I guess its best to be prepared just in case.

Thank you all for your support and I'll keep you updated every now and again. Also if anyone has questions I'll be glad to answer them. I'm also planning to start posting on this site to return the favor and help others. I'm again just amazed how one week was so grim and the next was just the opposite. Its like it just happened without warning because I always though that getting to this point would take years. Now granted I'm very sure we will have our share of problems but just three weeks ago it seemed doomed while now it feels like a whole new world of hope and promise.

For all of you this proves that you just have to hang on. It may not happen as quick for you but don't think that the next day won't be different.

Wow Mr. Mark

You sound like a REAL man becuz' only a REAL man can face what you have and continue to take care of your family. I'm so glad to hear that time is healing wounds for you and your nephew. I know that inside you will never quite get over what has happened to your loved one's but at least now you can remember them together and as a family. I am 24 as well & a mother of a 6yr. boy so I completely understand your frustration and the challenges to raising lil' ones. Good Luck in the future!!!

Mark-

It was so good to read your post, I had been worried about you and Chris. It sounds like the two of you are headed in the right direction. Poor little guy, no wonder he was acting the way that he was, having said that to his parents and than being in the accident. It sounds like you handled it really well though. The trip was a great idea, you both needed some time away from everything. I bet that guy felt like a real fool after you went off on him, but he deserved it.. people need to mind their own business more often, it wasnt like you were being mean to chris or something. So did you end up deciding to run your dad's business? I think that it is a great idea that you are moving back into chris' house, to have things stay as "normal" for him as possible should be good for him.

I am starting to send our resumes, i dont know how successful i will be considering once Zachary got sick i stop working and that was in 2001. i dont know if to many companies are interested in hiring someone my age (42), but i hope so. Trying to get back to some kind of a new "normal" has been very difficult and i know that you also are going through the same thing. I went with my two oldest sons (21 and 20) and 13 other 20 somethings and younger people and went canoeing this past Sunday, it was the one day each year during zachary's illness that i left him with my husband for about 12 hours and spent the day with the other kids. It was hard this year, but i know that i need to do things with and for my other kids also. i kept changing my mind on whether i was going or not, and my oldest son bobby, told me that i needed to go... it made me feel good, how many 21 year olds want their mom to go with them and their cousins and friends away for the day??? not to many i would think. well enough about me..

I was so glad to hear that you and chris and doing so well, things will never be the same, but you will do the best that you can with the situation.

Take care keep us updated

Ann

Mark-

It was so good to read your post, I had been worried about you and Chris. It sounds like the two of you are headed in the right direction. Poor little guy, no wonder he was acting the way that he was, having said that to his parents and than being in the accident. It sounds like you handled it really well though. The trip was a great idea, you both needed some time away from everything. I bet that guy felt like a real fool after you went off on him, but he deserved it.. people need to mind their own business more often, it wasnt like you were being mean to chris or something. So did you end up deciding to run your dad's business? I think that it is a great idea that you are moving back into chris' house, to have things stay as "normal" for him as possible should be good for him.

I am starting to send our resumes, i dont know how successful i will be considering once Zachary got sick i stop working and that was in 2001. i dont know if to many companies are interested in hiring someone my age (42), but i hope so. Trying to get back to some kind of a new "normal" has been very difficult and i know that you also are going through the same thing. I went with my two oldest sons (21 and 20) and 13 other 20 somethings and younger people and went canoeing this past Sunday, it was the one day each year during zachary's illness that i left him with my husband for about 12 hours and spent the day with the other kids. It was hard this year, but i know that i need to do things with and for my other kids also. i kept changing my mind on whether i was going or not, and my oldest son bobby, told me that i needed to go... it made me feel good, how many 21 year olds want their mom to go with them and their cousins and friends away for the day??? not to many i would think. well enough about me..

I was so glad to hear that you and chris and doing so well, things will never be the same, but you will do the best that you can with the situation.

Take care keep us updated

Ann


It does seem that you have been and still are a great and caring parent. If I had a 21 year old son say that to me I would be very proud. I can say I asked my father to go to Busch Gardens with me on many years because we are big coaster nuts and he has been waiting to ride the new coaster and it has just killed me that he never got to ride it with me. I haven't been on it yet either. I've always been very close to my family and even though its worse when something like this happens I would never give up the support I have from them. Nearly every family member in other states has offered to fly down to help me out.

It seems that your kids are great and caring which is the best you can do as a parent and is something I would be proud of. Also the guy at Disney World was feeling like a fool but that had more todo with the fact of how everyone around him was looking at him and making noises (saying stuff under their breaths) but like you said people sometimes should keep their mouths shut. He was looking at us the whole time (not in a bad way just had a view) so he could have seen that he didn't have a reason to start crying like that because he never asked or wanted anything. The guy should have noticed why he started crying because the waiter made the comment just before about getting a picture with your father at which time little Chris just broke down. I had to tell the waiter who I was and why he broke into tears. It was during this time that the guy said something. I will admit that I shouldn't have yelled out to the guy saying to shut his mouth because you would cry too if your father and his mother and father died on fathers day.

Now as you might guess the entire place starts coming over and saying sorry for your loss at which time I said thanks and left up to the hotel. I just wish people could understand that everyone lining up saying sorry isn't making things better. It was that night that Chris broke down and told me everything.

I also have decided to take my dads business and I've contacted my boss to let him know and all he said was that at anytime if I wanted my job back he would give it back or create a new job title to get me back so that was nice. I'm not bad off with money because I'll be getting my fathers life insurance while Chris is getting his mother and fathers life insurance money which I again with be POA. At the sametime I'll be renting my house out and my fathers house has been given to me (but my mom also has rights for it as well even though she lives on her own) but either way both my mother and fathers houses are paid off so I don't have to worry about that. I'm actually pretty well off now and I do feel bad because I know many others that aren't well off at all. All that I know for sure is that my brother and his wife want some of their insurance money to be used towards college (Boston College only) because that is the school my entire family has attended. My brother, his wife, my mother and father, my sister and grandparents have all gone to Boston College. That was stated in his will but they have talked to me many times about this just in case.

Also in case you wanted to know my fathers business is a research company that mainly does research about economic related issues. The good side is that I've been trained by my father since before college because he hoped that I would take the business.

mark-

Things sound like they are going to be okay for you and chris, not having to worry about the financial aspect of raising chris will take a lot of pressure off of you. When you were saying that about people coming over to offer their condolences, you were so right, sometimes people saying nothing at all is better than saying something... but as humans we tend to need to say something to people in bad/sad situations, if you know what i mean.. death is hard to deal with as an adult, and as a child it is so much harder... you know that you will someday, somehow learn to accept your loses, but for chris it is such a hard thing to think about.. you must have been an awesome uncle for chris when that was your only role, if he wanted to be with you all of the time so badly, so no doubt you will make a great father figure for him. also you will be able to tell him stories about your dad, brother and sister-in-law throughout the years to help keep his memories of them alive.. one suggestion, let him keep whatever he needs to close by.. whether it is his dad's shirt or his mom's pillow, that might sound like a dumb thing, but people sometimes don't realize what a comfort that can give a grieving person.. after my sister died when i was 16, i kept a t-shirt that she got from the last concert that she had gone to, and it is amazing what a comfort that was those first few years after her death... now with losing zach we go to his grave alot, we know that it is just a resting place for his body, but it is comforting.. We have planted sunflowers on it, that are now about 6 foot tall, the seeds we planted were from some sunflowers that zach and i had planted a couple of years ago that eventually grew to over 10 feet tall.. they were right out of our livingroom window where zach could lay in his hospital bed and see them, we watched the birds eat the seeds and we also had to dodge the bees, which made zach laugh.. planting them have brought a strange type of comfort to us.. i'm sure that you see what i am getting at.. whatever helps the two of you.. do it, regardless of what anyone else thinks... the two of you will be in my prayers.. i hope to hear from you soon.

Ann

mark-

Things sound like they are going to be okay for you and chris, not having to worry about the financial aspect of raising chris will take a lot of pressure off of you. When you were saying that about people coming over to offer their condolences, you were so right, sometimes people saying nothing at all is better than saying something... but as humans we tend to need to say something to people in bad/sad situations, if you know what i mean.. death is hard to deal with as an adult, and as a child it is so much harder... you know that you will someday, somehow learn to accept your loses, but for chris it is such a hard thing to think about.. you must have been an awesome uncle for chris when that was your only role, if he wanted to be with you all of the time so badly, so no doubt you will make a great father figure for him. also you will be able to tell him stories about your dad, brother and sister-in-law throughout the years to help keep his memories of them alive.. one suggestion, let him keep whatever he needs to close by.. whether it is his dad's shirt or his mom's pillow, that might sound like a dumb thing, but people sometimes don't realize what a comfort that can give a grieving person.. after my sister died when i was 16, i kept a t-shirt that she got from the last concert that she had gone to, and it is amazing what a comfort that was those first few years after her death... now with losing zach we go to his grave alot, we know that it is just a resting place for his body, but it is comforting.. We have planted sunflowers on it, that are now about 6 foot tall, the seeds we planted were from some sunflowers that zach and i had planted a couple of years ago that eventually grew to over 10 feet tall.. they were right out of our livingroom window where zach could lay in his hospital bed and see them, we watched the birds eat the seeds and we also had to dodge the bees, which made zach laugh.. planting them have brought a strange type of comfort to us.. i'm sure that you see what i am getting at.. whatever helps the two of you.. do it, regardless of what anyone else thinks... the two of you will be in my prayers.. i hope to hear from you soon.

Ann

Pretty much everything you have said I agree with. Oh and Chris has also been sleeping in his parents bed which as you can guess I allow and understand why he is doing this. Also his first couple days of school have gone pretty well but the teachers have called saying he isn't paying attention or would just be off in his own world and they would have to pat his shoulder to get him paying attention because calling his name won't do it. Also the teachers have been told directly in person by me to not punish him for this but they had no problem and understood. The teachers just called to tell me that if this continues he will get very behind in his work. But I've told the teachers that I will make sure that any work he misses he will do for homework which he seems to get done very quickly once he gets home. I also pick him up from school and take him there. The kids have been bugging him nonstop asking what happened so the teachers have control over that pretty much all the time except for the busses so that is why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Overall things are going very good and I'm glad that the teachers have been great but I'm considering putting him into a private school so he can get a better education. I went to a great private school along with my brother but my brother could never afford to send Chris to this school so I owe it to my brother that I do this. I also checked the prices and I'm just amazed at how much money this place costs.

My discount because I went to this school will still cost 18 grand per year not counting books. Also that is the price for day school so boarding would be about twice as much per year. I went for day school my entire schooling with my brother and we loved it so I'm hoping Chris will feel the same. I went into their boarding program during High School because it was more involved in everything so I most likely will be doing the same for Chris. Its funny because my brother could have sent Chris to this school because my father offered to pay for it but my brother is the type of person who just won't take help from anyone. He has to do everything on his own and earn it. He just has way too much pride to understand that allowing his father to help pay for it is no different than him paying for him to go. Its funny because my brother had no problems accepting a brand new car my father got him for getting his B.S. but he won't accept money to send Chris to school. I wasn't even going to get the business because my brother was going to get it because he is the oldest which is why I went in the direction I did but right at the last moment my brother says he isn't taking the business.

Man I've gone on and on but it seems that by saying all this helps me understand everything more clearly to identify if my thinking is way off.

you sound like you really have it all together.. it is good that the teacher's are understanding with chris, like you said you can make sure that the work gets done and if he misses a little bit here and there i am sure that you will be able to help him catch up. listening to how well you are doing, no one would ever think that you are only in your 20's, it is awesome how well you have adjusted to taking care of chris and his needs.. just dont forget that you are suffering also, and that you need to grieve also that and you need to have some fun sometimes to..some adult fun.. you need to be able to unwind now and than.. i am sure that you could find a friend or someone to watch chris for a few hours so that you can go and do something.. i know you are probably thinking that chris has to come first all of the time, am i right? but from experience, i know that sometimes you need to relax, it really does help. So if you dont mind me asking what state do you live in that school is already in session? we live in michigan, and school doesnt start here until the end of august or first of september. Well keep up the good work uncle mark, believe me you will be rewarded in the end.

ann

you sound like you really have it all together.. it is good that the teacher's are understanding with chris, like you said you can make sure that the work gets done and if he misses a little bit here and there i am sure that you will be able to help him catch up. listening to how well you are doing, no one would ever think that you are only in your 20's, it is awesome how well you have adjusted to taking care of chris and his needs.. just dont forget that you are suffering also, and that you need to grieve also that and you need to have some fun sometimes to..some adult fun.. you need to be able to unwind now and than.. i am sure that you could find a friend or someone to watch chris for a few hours so that you can go and do something.. i know you are probably thinking that chris has to come first all of the time, am i right? but from experience, i know that sometimes you need to relax, it really does help. So if you dont mind me asking what state do you live in that school is already in session? we live in michigan, and school doesnt start here until the end of august or first of september. Well keep up the good work uncle mark, believe me you will be rewarded in the end.

ann

I've been doing a few adult type things while Chris has been at school so I can relax but for now I'm not in the mood to deal with people I know because they umm just won't shut up if you know what I mean. I do think he should come first but to me that doesn't mean I have my life revolve around him nor myself for that matter. Also I'm handling things well enough but I'm not angel either that is for sure. I've lost my temper quite a few times (never to Chris) at many people for some valid reasons while most being stupid reasons. Its just certain stupid things lately have just set me off for some reason.

Chris and I live in Florida in the Tampa Bay area so he went back to school I think on Wednesday. I'm not sure why I'm thinking Tuesday because you would think I would know this by now. Chris never had many close friends from my understanding so because all the kids are bringing up bad memories for him I'm thinking this might be the best time to move him into a new school. I've been talking with him asking him what he wants and telling him about the school I would like to send him to. He has been asking many questions about it and he wants to see the school first so I've setup a meeting with one of the directors to take him on a tour a week from today because the school is open for the most part (its both a day and boarding school). Even though I want this for his benefit it still should be his choice at this point in time.

It sounds like a great idea to take him and check out the school. Kids can be cruel without even trying, they ask questions that i am sure chris doesnt want or know how to answer. I know what you mean about not wanting to be around people, after Zach passed away it took me several weeks before i could go into the local grocery store (we live in a very small town and everyone knew about Zachary) and not cry. Believe me i have also blown up at several people some have needed and deserved it, others have not, but got it anyway. Live has changed forever and we have to learn how to deal with this new "normal" and it isnt easy. Take care I hope that the two of you have a good week

Ann

It sounds like a great idea to take him and check out the school. Kids can be cruel without even trying, they ask questions that i am sure chris doesnt want or know how to answer. I know what you mean about not wanting to be around people, after Zach passed away it took me several weeks before i could go into the local grocery store (we live in a very small town and everyone knew about Zachary) and not cry. Believe me i have also blown up at several people some have needed and deserved it, others have not, but got it anyway. Live has changed forever and we have to learn how to deal with this new "normal" and it isnt easy. Take care I hope that the two of you have a good week

Ann

I know exactly what you mean that is for sure. This weekend was one of our best yet so far. We went to a place called celebration station on Sunday and I must say it was fun. The last time I went here was when I was I think 11 or around that age. I'm not sure if you have ever heard of this place {removed} They have many locations in many places and they have some great stuff for a cheap price.

mark
i hope that both you and chris are doing well and that in your grief you are able to somehow find some peace and remember the good times with your family.. pictures are great they help to get people to talk about the good times and even the bad times. get up the great work with chris
Ann