Hi everyone,
I have never posted here before, but I need some support and assistance. I lost my best friend, my Mom, on the 12th of this month. She lost her battle with Lung Cancer at home, on Hospice. I was her nurse up until the end. I moved in and lived with her and my step-dad the last 6 weeks of her life. The Hospice nurses came only twice a week and gave phone support when needed.

She was only diagnosed 2 and a half weeks before her death. There was no time to prepare. Everything was done in such a hurry, I never even had a minute to think of the inevitable. She wanted her dress bought, and had a pre-arranged funeral already paid for..she even picked out the music and jewelry she wanted... And now she's gone....my very best friend..she had only just turned 56. I am 32. My heart is broken.

Now I find myself in another dilemma. My step-dad (who still lives in Mom's house in Louisiana) is talking about "moving on" and how he will not live the rest of his life alone...says that he will have a woman in his life. My mother has only been gone TWO WEEKS!! He's already going to the bars and taking trips. It honestly makes me ill...She adored him, but would never want this.

It's like he has no respect for Mom's memories or our grief. He is put off by our broken hearts and actually stated "I don't know why y'all can't just move on". I live in Texas, so he hasn't actually spoken those words to me, but if and when he does...I will let him have it with both barrels. I just wonder now, if he even cared about her as much as he let on like he did while she was living. I'm appalled.

He has also made "advances" on my Mom's sister since Mom's death. He kissed her on the mouth twice...and exposed himself once. She called him out about that...and he immediately took a road trip to East Texas to see his son...he said to "clear his head".

There was a time, while caring for Mom, that he scared me. I didn't want to leave her alone with him because of the lack of care he gave. He would let her scream out in pain...pretending to sleep...(both of us WERE exhausted, but I heard her in the other room).

Now, there he is...piled up in Mom's house...acting like the SOB he is. The thing is...before the past few weeks, he and I were pretty close, or so I thought.

I am just at a loss all the way around...any advice would be appreciated.

Paula

In memory of my Mom:
Linda Yeley Hukill
5/9/49 - 6/12-05
:angel:

Paula,

I am soooo sorry to here of all your broken heartedness and mess. I have posted all over this site and can’t understand this topic “grief and loss” when I’ve been reading and posting the same kind of things under “death and dyeing”.

Anyway, I too lost first my grandmother who mom took care of the past 6 years after a severe stroke. The same year my mom age 61 also died and shortly after my stepfather passed too. He was quiet and handled it too good at first. He shortly after couldn’t take the depression and loneliness any more. All of them went last year. Neither of them reached retirement age either. Is it possible that your stepfather is really doing all this as a defense mechanism? Some people have different ways to deal with grief too. I try to give others the benefit of the doubt. I also understand what could be too and I’m not naive. In any case Paula, most would agree with me including your mom I think. Find peace for YOU now. Don’t let anyone for any reason mess that up for you!!! What he or anybody else does now doesn’t matter in the grand sceem of things. Get focused and make your special mark here on this earth now with your time like your mom did. For you it could be anything. Her special mark my dear was YOU and possibly not him. What else really matters?

God bless you at this very difficult time.
Sincerely
JohnD

I feel for you...I lost my mom 5 years ago and my dad 2 months ago..I am 39. My mom took her life due to severe pain of fibromalgia and my dad had cancer. My brother took care of my dad the last 5 months of life. He was diagnosed in Nov and passed away in April. Anyway, my parents had been married 34 years and 1 year later he started seeing somebody that was a friend of the family. I and my brother had to go for therapy. It got us through it and closer to my dad. My dad's lady friend made our life a living hell the last few months of his life. It was all about her spending time with my dad! Emotions ran high and things were said......I will see her for the 1st time this weekend. It will be tough but I will be civil.....I am doing this for my dad.

Sickness and death seem to bring the worst out of family members of some families. You would think it would bring us closer together but sometimes it does not.

Is it your mom's house? Does he have a right being there? I would look into all of this....do you have siblings that could help with you all of this?

I will keep in you in my thoughts.....

Paula,

I am soooo sorry to here of all your broken heartedness and mess.


Anyway, I too lost first my grandmother who mom took care of the past 6 years after a severe stroke. The same year my mom age 61 also died and shortly after my stepfather passed too. Is it possible that your stepfather is really doing all this as a defense mechanism? Some people have different ways to deal with grief too.

Her special mark my dear was YOU and possibly not him. What else really matters?

God bless you at this very difficult time.



Dear John,
Thank you for your wonderful post..I appreciate it more than you know. I am so sorry for all of your loss and sadness. It is really tough when our loved ones go especially when they are so young.
I want to thank you also for your wonderful insight. I hope you are correct in assuming that maybe my stepdad is just having a hard time dealing with things and does not know what to do about it. It would be so much easier to take if I knew that was it, because over the course of the past 12 years, he has become my dad. It would be so tough to lose BOTH my parents in one fail swoop.
You have made my day by your reply and by your kind words. I will keep you in my prayers and will check back for more coorespondence.

God bless you,
Paula

I feel for you...I lost my mom 5 years ago and my dad 2 months ago..I am 39.

Sickness and death seem to bring the worst out of family members of some families. You would think it would bring us closer together but sometimes it does not.

Is it your mom's house? Does he have a right being there? I would look into all of this....do you have siblings that could help with you all of this?

I will keep in you in my thoughts.....

TMarie,
Thanks for replying, and for sharing your experience with me. I am SO sorry for your loss and all the heartbrokeness you must suffer.
You are correct in saying that sickness and death bring out the worst in some families. I would have said "not my family" before now...but here we are. Mama raised all of us kids (there are 5 of us total) to be "stand up" folks...so I'm not really sure why everyone is falling apart now.
My Mom sold her house, here in TX, and they bought that one together with the money. They both helped remodel and build on to it over the past 7 years. They were only married 8 years and together almost 12.

Thanks again for your insight and for your reply. I will keep you in my prayers.

God bless,
Paula

Paula,

Thank you so much for prayers offered for me. I can’t tell you how much that means to me right now. I need it. I finally started my own thread today and don’t know why but posted it in the Depression section. It’s been a rough ride this year and if you read it you would know why. Anyway thank you, God bless and prayers for you too.

JohnD

Dear Paula,

Please accept my condolenses. I'm so sorry you're going through a very difficult time. As much as my mother hasn't been a mother to me, I still love her so dearly and I know I'd crack when the time comes that she'll pass on.

What you may need to do is talk to your step-father and let him know how you feel about his behaviour. There are some people out there who doesn't know how to deal with a lost and their grief that their only way to deal with it is to ignore, or be distant or to not feel at all. Some people don't want to feel the extreme pain of loosing someone so close because they know they'll crack or fall apart. Sometimes, their pride gets in the way. By nature, a lot of men deal with pain this way... it's just their genetic make up. Some women are this way too... but most women are more in touch with their feelings. It's just how nature made human beings.

In the meantime, you have to go thru the process of grieving and don't worry about what your step-father is doing. He's an adult and don't let it affect your life or your feelings. Therapy helps as well if you have some unresolved issues. But talking to your step-father could be the first step. Only time will heal.

Lastly, you have to remember that your Mom is no longer in pain. She's with God now and she'll forever be looking down at you and your family watching over you because she loves all of you, in her own way, very much.

SFGirl

What you may need to do is talk to your step-father and let him know how you feel about his behaviour. There are some people out there who doesn't know how to deal with a lost and their grief that their only way to deal with it is to ignore, or be distant or to not feel at all. Some people don't want to feel the extreme pain of loosing someone so close because they know they'll crack or fall apart. Sometimes, their pride gets in the way. By nature, a lot of men deal with pain this way... it's just their genetic make up. Some women are this way too... but most women are more in touch with their feelings. It's just how nature made human beings.

In the meantime, you have to go thru the process of grieving and don't worry about what your step-father is doing. He's an adult and don't let it affect your life or your feelings. SFGirl

Hi SFGirl,

Thanks for your reply to my plea. I have gained new information since my last post and have chosen not to talk to my stepdad at this particular time. I am just too mad about all of it.

My stepdad is not grieving over my mother, as I had hoped early on....he is looking for a bed partner just as I suspected. He has "exposed" himself a total of about 15 times to women since my mother's passing (some while she was on her deathbed). He kissed a woman in the mouth twice...once at the visitation and another he forcefully kissed and pushed his pelvis into hers. Then, to top all of that off, he spent last weekend alone with his ex-wife. This is insane. It was bad enough to have to deal with the loss of my mother, but this man is not grieving...he is looking for quick sex.

I will talk to him....but it will be when I can get calm enough to make rational sense to him. Right now, I am anything BUT rational.

Thanks again,
Paula

:angel:
~In memory of my Mom~
Linda Yeley Hukill
May 9, 1949-June 12, 2005

So Paula,

Now I am even more sorry for you. You say you both were close and that he was like a real father to you. Now you have lost both of them not just her. At least the way he was to you. Listen friend. I know and hear what your saying about his behavior. I am not defending this, but was there ever any other problems or signs of him cheating on your mom before she began to pass? How do we know he didn’t crack or have a breakdown? He may be even having some kind of trouble dealing with his own mortality so closely facing him strait in the eye. Is he possibly using other woman and sex to re find his youth from fear of death? I am no expert in this field but I here some strange things and can’t believe he just turned into a pig over night. Find evidence that he did things like this before moms diagnoses and I would agree with you 100%. Otherwise you became so close to such an expert in decieving lieing cheeting person and so was your mom for many years.

I so hope you find Peace

JohnD

Today is the anniversary of my mom's death, from cancer. She was only in her 50s, with alot of living yet to do... My step-father, within a month of her death, was seeing one of her girlfriends. They are now planning to get married, so, I truly empathize with what you are feeling. It has overwhelmed all of my siblings. For my sanity, I've had to remove him from my life and know that I can only have a superficial exchange with this "friend", his new wife, of my mother's. It's all so strange. It's added another bizarre layer to my grief. It's not that I wouldn't have wanted another relationship for him, as time passed. It just happened so fast...

I'm so sorry that you lost your sweet mother. That is tragic. I have to say that since he didn't pay attention to your mom while she was in pain and the other things that he had and has been doing? Well, seems to me that there may be more to this than you know. I'm sorry to say this but I would investigate him further and not let him know about it. I am angry for you having to deal with such a man that would disregard your mother before and after. My heart goes out to you. Somebody needs to put a boot up his "rear", give him a real reality check!!!! Makes me so angry!!!!

So Paula,

Listen friend. I know and hear what your saying about his behavior. I am not defending this, but was there ever any other problems or signs of him cheating on your mom before she began to pass? How do we know he didn’t crack or have a breakdown? He may be even having some kind of trouble dealing with his own mortality so closely facing him strait in the eye. Is he possibly using other woman and sex to re find his youth from fear of death? I am no expert in this field but I here some strange things and can’t believe he just turned into a pig over night.
JohnD

Hi John!
Thank you for keeping up with this thread. I appreciate all of your feedback. About the quote above....he is a pig, but it didn't happen overnight. I was speaking to my sister the other day and this man used to run around the house in the nude in front of her when she was at home. She was only 13 to 14 when this started. He would come into her room in the AM and wake her up for work...in the total buff. This is only weeks after he and mom got together. He also "handled" on her chest once...but she pulled away. This man knows what he's doing...and we're not talking new behavior exactly...just a different m.o. than before. ugh!

Happy 4th everybody!

Hugs and Prayers,
Paula

:angel:
In memory of my Mom
Linda Yeley Hukill
May 9, 1949 - June 12, 2005

Well, seems to me that there may be more to this than you know. I'm sorry to say this but I would investigate him further and not let him know about it. I am angry for you having to deal with such a man that would disregard your mother before and after. My heart goes out to you. Somebody needs to put a boot up his "rear", give him a real reality check!!!! Makes me so angry!!!!

Dear Ravyn,

Thank you for your wonderful post. I totally agree after talking to more of my family. My brother has had a background check run on him, without his knowledge, but it will take a few days to get the results. It may, or may not, show anything. Lots of people who are offended by "flashing" or groping will not report it if they know the person...and he seems to only do these things to people who "think" they know him well. I do not think we ever knew him at all! I feel just as outraged as you.... My aunt (his sis-in-law) was one of the people he exposed himself to...and forcefully kissed. She told him that would not be tolerated and that his behavior was absolutely bizarre. He was taken aback by her response. I will let you guys know what the report shows when it comes back. Please keep my family in your prayers.
All of y'all are great!

Hugs and Prayers,
Paula

:angel:
In memory of my Mom
Linda Yeley Hukill
May 9, 1949 - June 12, 2005

Hi Paula,

Your step-father sounds like a pig! I'm so sorry you're dealing with his piggishness and the lost of your Mother.

I'll be praying for you and your family.

Thank you


Hi SFGirl,

Thanks for your reply to my plea. I have gained new information since my last post and have chosen not to talk to my stepdad at this particular time. I am just too mad about all of it.

My stepdad is not grieving over my mother, as I had hoped early on....he is looking for a bed partner just as I suspected. He has "exposed" himself a total of about 15 times to women since my mother's passing (some while she was on her deathbed). He kissed a woman in the mouth twice...once at the visitation and another he forcefully kissed and pushed his pelvis into hers. Then, to top all of that off, he spent last weekend alone with his ex-wife. This is insane. It was bad enough to have to deal with the loss of my mother, but this man is not grieving...he is looking for quick sex.

I will talk to him....but it will be when I can get calm enough to make rational sense to him. Right now, I am anything BUT rational.

Thanks again,
Paula

:angel:
~In memory of my Mom~
Linda Yeley Hukill
May 9, 1949-June 12, 2005

Hi Dreama! :wave:

Thanks so much for your reply.{removed} All of the things I'm going through pertain to greif and loss. Because of my step-father's actions, I not only lost one parent...I've lost them both. :(

I think this thread is VERY much on topic and my loss and grief are very real. I am in desperate need of support from all of you, and I thank all who have replied thus far...from the bottom of my heart.

Sometimes it means the world just to know you're not alone....

Thanks guys :)

Hugs and Prayers,
Paula

:angel:
~In memory of my Mom~
Linda Yeley Hukill
May 9, 1942 - June 12, 2005