Hello, friends.
Just a word about my progress. I feel I can truly call it progress, as I don't particularly wish to die today (and that's a leap for me, believe that!)
You know, it's entirely the work of this board that I can have anything to report at all. As I look at the letters written by those in their first hours of withdrawals, I see myself only a month ago. The nightmare that was my life is reborn in each one of the dead-honest, descriptive posts I read, and please know that your words are not lost simply because there are only a few or no replies. Every person who hits that "send" button has something to add to our group, and every addition makes us stronger.
My appointment with the suboxone doctor is Monday at 10:30am in Louden, TN. They want the records from my previous doctor (who complied only after a $25. fee and a dose of his appalling bedside manner.) I live in Chattanooga, so my husband is taking the day off work to make the hour-and-a-half long trip. It's quite the occasion in the M_ _ _ household, believe that! The last time he took a day off was when the twins were born (and I suspect that was only so he could ensure I wouldn't get any "good" painkillers during the labor.)
You know, eight days ago this morning I sat at this computer and wondered what excuse I could give to call in sick to my new job. I'd already used my favorite "stomach thing" excuse the previous day (I'm partial to the "stomach thing" - nobody ever seems to want details when they find out something's coming out of something it shouldn't.) And then I got a post that picked me up and somehow put me into my car. God bless you for that.
Well, as most of you know, I took on this new career as a waitress after hitting rock bottom in my life. I'd sold everything I owned (and a few hockables that I pretended were my own) to get a date with my old friend oxycontin (believe that yes, there IS a "con" in oxycontin.) I'd never waited a table before (snorted on many, danced on a few, and waited FOR them, but never ON them!) The "chipper-me" attitude these folks expected was from Hell, and my oxy-ego kept whispering in my ear that I could NEVER even fake being that kind of a person without some serious opiates. But still I trudged on.
My training was over last Sunday and I waited my first table on Monday. To be honest, the way I "got it up" (the smile, folks, the smile) to be so friendly to these hungry strangers was (oh, this is bad) was to pretend that if I was nice to them, they'd leave me enough cash to afford myself an oxy (and at $25. a pop, this was of course a big lie) and it worked. One table turned into two and then four and then the night was over. I'd made around forty-five bucks and man I am telling you I was SO proud of my little self that I sang all the way home, passers-by be damned (wincing when I realize what I looked like speeding home in my pea-green Pontiac, my Waffle House visor turned backwards to look cool and singing, "Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and fame.... :cool: !) Bottom line, though, guys, is I got through it.
I'm going to be honest, as I vowed to always be when posting here and tell you that I DID use the tips in part to buy six 10mg hydros. The good part of that is I told my husband I was doing it, and gave them to him to dole out two per day until we can go to the suboxone doctor on Monday.
You know, I'd like your take on this theory I'm developing regarding our dear friends The Painkillers. I no longer get a buzz when taking them, of course (I'm a die-hard 120mg-a-day oxy person, myself.) What I DO get, though, is not only energy, but a self-esteem of sorts. Like, I don't feel "intelligent" enough to jump in (let alone begin) an intellligent discussion when I'm not using. But after a few hydros I become the authority on world events, politics, american law, and psychology. I even like wowing people with my knowledge of the theories of quantum physics and how it could marry the laws of relativity (and I do this, ladies and gentlemen, at the local Waffle House - how's that for gutsy?) I'd really like to hear from anyone who finds that they're using not for the buzz, but for the confidence it seems to instill. It's pretty amazing stuff, and I think I'm onto something in thinking that some of us are using these meds to self-medicate for depression or paranoia or a general feeling of inadequacy. Anyone?
You know, I'm really nervous about the suboxone doctor on Monday. I'd love for someone to tell me if I'll be able to continue my job (I go in at six that evening) without anyone noticing? In other words, will going from hydrocodone and oxycontin to suboxone cause people to "be able to tell" that something's up with me? Will I be in a good mood (a job requirement) or - well, or what? And a word about the energy level I'll have when first taking the suboxone? I'm very nervous about this, and for your opinions I'd be grateful.
You know, when I first began my back-to-me journey over a month ago, I didn't have the energy to write a letter like this. I had these night-sweats from Hell, accompanied by aching legs and too-real nightmares in which you couldn't escape (I honestly dreamt I'd awakened in The Chocolate Factory, and when I'd try to escape, the oompa-loompa folk would drag me down and douse me in the chocolate river until I was gasping for air. I'd awaken trembling, with a headache and an uncanny craving for a glass of Nestle's Quick.) I couldn't even take the hot baths because I hadn't the energy to clean just one of our three tubs well enough for a soak. So folks, this is me telling you from my heart that it will get better. Better than you even remember - I promise you this. I haven't had an oxycontin in a month and have tapered to two hydros per day. Went from six 1mg xanax to none with three teenage daughters (which works out so that one of them is always pms-ing at any given moment) underfoot. This, friend, is doable - you need to know that, need to believe it and one way to do that is to read this board and know that there are those who have. It's what's making a difference to me, and if you're reading this then something's already been gnawing at you to read stories similar to yours. Trust that voice and know that it comes from your Good Self, the one you remember and can trust.
You know, again, I'd so appreciate anyone who can give me their ideas on the questions I asked about when I begin the suboxone on Monday. I'm concerned about the way I'll feel later when I go to work that day. And if anyone can address the "self-medicating for other issues [to obtain energy, feel less awkward, think more 'clearly'] I would be very interested to hear your take on that. I'm thinking that understanding why I do what I do is going to be a key in getting better. Let's pool our thoughts and get a grip on why we're doing this, as I think it could be important.
So many thanks to my friends here. I don't have the words (hey, THAT's a first) to express my gratitude for your responses and your concern. It's a fascinating group I've fallen into, and your opinions and support are simply priceless.
I'm looking forward to any replies, and as always, God bless us, every one.
Your Friend,
Tonnie M.

Togo,

Interesting post...About the Suboxone, i was using 5-80 oxy's a day up until May when I started Suboxone. I was able to work throughout the time I was on the sub, but coming off it I had to take a few days off to work through the depression (and like you I have a job that requires me to be happy and talk to people all day, i'm a teacher). I was on suboxone for about three weeks and tapered lower every three to four days. You'll be fine especially because you tapered your oxy use down to 2 hydro's a day. Again, the only time I found difficulut was the first couple of days off the suboxone, I was depressed because I did not have "anything to take." It's been about a month since I've been off the sub and life is great. I never thought I would be able to live without any opiates, but life is amazing. Never having to worry about where i'm going to get my next pill, or going through the withdrawals having to wait a couple of days to fill my next script, it is great to not have a pill run your life. Sub is only one part of the battle though, I would suggest, if you don't have one, to get a qualified therapist to help you through the depression. I felt all of those feeling you described, not being able to do "anything" without opiates: not being able to walk my dog, take a shower, fix something to eat, hold a conversation (I felt like a robot when I talked), not being able to do the simplest taks without oc. I would plan my life around having them, if I had a lot I would stay at work late doing all the paperwork I could so when I was low on OC I would just go home after work and be depressed and count the days until I had a full script or the dope man gave me a call at the beginning of the month. It's been about 2 months and I feel almost normal again, it was of course the longest 2 months of my life, but I feel in your case the hard physical part is over when you start on the subs, the mental/emotional part will be the hardest. I'm not really religious but something that helped my through was the serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardships as the pathway to peace...

Good luck on your journey, if you truely want to stop you will, and you have done an excellent job so far. Be proud of what you accomplished, OC's are hard to kick and you are already down to 2 hydro's a day. I, like you, felt the exact same way you did about not having an CONFIDENCE in the person that I was, but that is because that is the drug trying to hold you stagnant. It's the addiciton, it's not confidence, it's not YOU. Good luck B...

Hi Tonnie,

I don't have any answers for you. My 24 year old son is the drug addict in our family, though he is doing really well. Went cold turkey 5 months ago from 320 mg a day of OXY's and 10 little bags of heroin a day also. His withdrawals were bad but he survived without suboxone or anything.

I think you should turn your hand to writing. I couldn't help but enjoy reading your story. Even though the content tells me what a tough time you must be going through. I wish you the best and hope the suboxone works for you.

Tonnie,

I was wondering how the Waffle House gig went. Quantum Physics huh? I'm sure that's a big hit in eastern TN. You sound good...you really do. All you can do on Monday is the best you can. Whatever happens will happen and you'll get through it. I've been to a waffle house...can't remember my waitress being all that 'chipper' and she dang sure wasn't opining on relativity. I'm glad you posted...I really was wondering how you were.

dp

Really to me it sounds like you are doing good.
Actually able to start a job without your pills?
I could not do that.
I am on Methadone and I have got to tell you
it works wonders for me, from the very start .
I have been on and off of it for a year.
Now I take 2 a day.
I have been taking 1 a day for about 5 months
and saw my methadone dr. today and asked if
I could start taking 2 and he said sure.
Anyway, hang in there.
Good Luck to you with the Sub.

oh hell yes. I didn't even know how confident and peppy I was until I started tapering. I was on oxycodone for about 15 months. I am at 25 days now w/o any opiates. 3 things: the l tyrosine from the recipe helps me so much with the depression and just blahhs. I take 1000 mg one day and 500 the next. And I go to meetings every day or atleast 6 a week. and most of all I pray alot.

I am really happy for you. I enjoyed reading your post. Sounded just like you were talking, not like I was reading a post. You are doing great.

Keep us posted :)

Donna

Just wanted to tell you that I think you’re wonderful! You have a candor that is so endearing, but of course anyone could tell you that and you won’t believe it until you’re ready to.
Anyway, I haven’t got much time but I wanted to say that most definitely the reason that I take pills is to be more articulate, confident, charming and well-spoken – other people like me better when I’m high and I like me better too, unfortunately. As a necessary part of this story, I will say that I also have adult ADHD. I am an avid reader and am actually of above-average intelligence, but you wouldn’t know it by talking to me. My brain can be so jumbled that it is extremely difficult for me to convey a thought or idea. There are ideas and such that I find fascinating and I just want to share it with everyone, but my addled brain gets all mixed up when I try to communicate. So this kind of problem, among other fears and limitations, resulted in a boat-load of shame, self-hatred and low self-esteem for me, which made me crawl even further into my shell. Alcohol and pain pills were what brought me back out. I laughed aloud when I read your post, because if you could just see me on my literary soapbox! It’s horrible really. I will just regale anyone that will listen with this long didactic lectures about the greatness of Anton Chekov or something, it doesn’t matter who you are or whether or not you are even vaugely interested. The other problem is that I have always been around people who place great emphasis on the way I look (which used to be quite good I guess, not so much anymore). I often had a strong feeling that there were expectations riding on me, my conduct and behavior and choices, and it caused so much stress that I just crumbled under it and I came to believe that a bad mood, or a bad hair day for heaven’s sake – was something people would not accept from me. Now I know that it is only ME that keeps judging myself unacceptable. Maybe others do too, but I don’t have the luxury to care anymore.
I am on ritalin for the ADHD, and it really does help me in terms of slowing down and being able to talk to others without interrupting. It’s a small piece of the puzzle, but it makes me feel more adequate, which helps me chip away at some of that poisonous sense of shame that I have always carried.
Anyway, I’ve got to go, but I want you to know that I think you’re fantastic, and I’m so proud of you for what you’ve done and I’m rooting for you every step of the way!

Tonnie....
Oh My God girl, your post made my day, I have been praying up a storm for you.....I am so glad, you have finally made it this far....

I have been busy with my kids and flew my niece in from Texas, another teen to add to the tribe, so we have been doing the whole tourist thing and let me tell you, I used to think there was NO WAY, I could ever do amusement parks without that bottle in my pocket, but I have had so much fun in the past week with the kids, the only down now, is feeling like I missed so much with them, when I was useing.

I have also experienced "the discovery", I was doing some major spring cleaning and was horrified at all the pill bottles in my house...good grief, and I thought no one ever knew?, how could they not?, when my house looked like a pharmacy?...but I did run across a total of 11 Lortabs, 2-3 "hidden" here or there for emergencies which I thought at this point was hilarious, as I was too stoned for years to remember where I hid that "secret" stash and YES, I flushed them ALL, without a second thought, even fighting a rather nasty muscle strain from work.

I want you to know Tonnie, this is the god's honest truth, your story has touched me so deeply Girl, that YOU have become a reason for ME to remain sober, the craveings at times are so bad, but I think of things I have posted to you and how scared you have been and tell myself, "how can I be accountable to her, if I use again?

So I wanted to say THANK YOU...from the bottom of my heart, for helping me take one more step, one more day, one more hour, one more minute, in my recovery....Thank you, for being MY Angel....

Angel :angel: :angel:

Hi Tonnie;

You don't know me but I to used to spend many, many hours on this board and I too found this board to be my lifeline back to wellness and sanity for me. I visit from time to time still to this day and for some reason although I don’t read all the posts I was drawn to your post and your situation. Although many of us here have widely different stories we all have many things in common such as hitting rock bottom or the guilt we harbor or the things we do that brings us embarrassment.

You my dear have captured my heart and my support. Without rehashing old news I’ve been down the road as you are traveling and yes I’ve taken a few attempts to be successful in getting drug free. I’m now almost two and a half years drug free and I’m still moving forward and I’m still enjoying each day more and more. I wish the sub was around when I got off the drugs, it would have made life so much easier, but alas I used the ole taper method and suffered through that process until I was drug free. Even though I’ve not taken Sub I can tell you I’ve read others posts and from what I’ve gleaned from their posts you should be AOK when you transition over to sub from the hydrocodone. You should have your same energy level and demeanor. I may take a day or so to get the dosage right so it may be a bit of a roller coaster until its adjusted but for the most part you won’t have anything near close to the ugliness associated with full blown withdrawals.

Looking back on my own situation today when I was going through similar nasty times the one thing that was most troublesome to me was the fear of the unknown. So when you ask questions like you do about sub or other topics the answers and feedback you receive here at the board is such a comforting factor. I remember I asked so many questions, I was sure many would tire of me and my questions and my perceived paranoia. But to my surprise I was helped and comforted just as you are by the members of this board. So keep asking questions and we will keep trying to provide answers and support. Don’t fear the unknown or what lies ahead because many of your fears will get answers here. You are doing the right thing; you are moving forward and don’t sweat the small stuff or worry about failure or setbacks. There is no single blueprint to success with getting off drugs, what works for one may not for another and how fast one succeeds has not relation on how fast you succeed as the bottom line is winning the battle and getting drug free. The thing I always tried to provide as feedback is you never succeed if you quit trying. Slow and steady wins the race. Just keep working to your goal Tonnie! You will make it if you keep trying. And I as well as many other can tell you that once you reach your goal you will find life is still just as good as you remember it prior to the pills. You can be happy, energetic, intelligent, funny and loving just as you were without the pills. I know because I’m living that again. It just takes time but all good things come to those who perceiver.

If I could take on all your pain and suffering I would but I also would choose not to. I know that doesn’t make any sense but what I’m trying to say is I think a person needs to reach bottom, I think they need to suffer through getting drug free so it leaves an imprint in your mind and your being that says “I don’t ever want to go through that again or suffer like I did or have my family endure what they did”.

As usual I talk to much but I’m hoping you can take away a bit of positive from my post and if you have any questions or need anything let me know and I’ll help where I can.

phil

Although there are some fringe benefits to using, like "confidence" I really like the buzz. I think that I used vikes to mask my anxiety or basic nervousness that seems to be a underlying problem for me. I am a chronic worrier and the vikes seemed to curb that to some degree. But I have been off of vikes now for 6 days now.

I have been on the Sub for 5 days now and I think that I am ready to start tapering off of the Sub. I can go 24 hours with no Sub and not feel too bad at all. I am just about ready to say goodbye to the Sub.

W.

***Hey guys, I'm sorry, but I accidentally put this note in two places - it started a new thread, and it's also here. Sorry about that (guess those brain cells really DON'T grow back. . . ) xo, -t

My Friends,
I want to sincerely thank you all for your extraordinary efforts in responding to me and my situation. As I look over the post archives, I realize that nothing I've written about is happening to me exclusively; mine are simply the same problems we've all had, just rehashed yet again with different words. But I wasn't penalized for my redundancy, in fact I was embraced by the best of you and for that I am truly grateful.
You know, I realize that my current position as a waitress isn't the most interesting (and certainly not the most impressive) career going. In fact, I hesitated before telling you of it for fear you'd think less of me somehow. Guys, it kind of hurt to see in (my own) words just what had come of my once-promising life. But then I examined my feelings more closely and I came to the realization that I'm not a bit ashamed of what I do. There is no shame in an honest living. There is, however, shame in what I was doing to my life and my family's life when I was so hopelessly hooked on oxycontin.
Shame was there when I'd awaken at dawn, sweating and shivering, wearing the same clothes as the day before and knowing I'd be wearing them again as my restless legs and me tried to sleep again that night. Shame was there when I was explaining to Andrew just why we hadn't the money to rent a movie and pop some corn (explaining with a slight lisp, that is, as I sucked the time-release coating off yet another $25. oxycontin.) Shame was there when the twins would catch me on the floor behind my bed, sliding the teflon frying pan back beneath my bed after I'd snorted myself high, the clang of the crushing spoon against the penknife notwithstanding.) Shame visited when I stood in the doctor's office trying to sell the story that my medication had been stolen yet again, as the nurses frowned and nodded knowingly to one another. The winceable shame when my dad asked me how the kids liked the pajamas I was supposed to've bought with the $100. he gave me just before Christmas. The terrible, excruciating shame when my late brother's daughters climbed into my lap on July 4th and asked me quite innocently, "What things did you and my daddy used to do for fun?"
There are things, I think, that could drive a person mad if they were dwelled upon and allowed to creep into our present states of mind. It is as though I am siamese twins who, instead of getting along, are angry at one another and trying to run in separate directions, each desperate to escape his destiny-dealt partner. It is for these reasons that I am determined to look at the now, at the future, at anyplace but back. It is for this reason that I have no shame in announcing to you my friends that I serve eggs and coffee for a living.
And hey, this waiting tables business isn't all bad. In fact, it's more interesting that one would think. Take, for example, the biggest tip I received last night. This guy, average looking, mid-thirties, comes in and tells me to set the table for two. As I'm doing this, he tells me that his "girlfriend is outside talking to her boyfriend." Trying hard not to noticeably puzzle over this, I asked him if he wanted to start with coffee. He ordered two, then proceded to explain to me his dilemna.
"Guess my age!"
"Uh - no, I'm not - I'm never good at that."
"Come ON, guess! NOBODY gets this right!"
Liking the challenge, I took the bait, guessing low so as not to blow any possible tipping abilities this fellow may have.
"I'm saying - 28, 30?"
"HIGHER!" he beams.
"31, 32 tops," I played along, glancing about for the Invisible Girl.
"Wrong AGAIN!" he cries, shaking his head almost violently. "This happens EVERY time!"
"My gosh, you can't be over 35 - no way!" I declared after noticing he'd pulled up in a Beamer.
"I'm 36!"
"NO!"
"If I'm lyin' I'm dyin' -- wanna see my driver's license?"
"Thirty-SIX? That is amazing!" I faked, tiring of this game.
In walks a pretty but bored-looking young girl who ignored his excited patting of the seat next to him and sat instead across from him. She looked miserable. Thankfully, he turned his attention exclusively to her.
"Tell me what you want to eat - you can get ANYTHING on the menu!" he declared proudly, as though he was delivering good news about her last lottery ticket.
"All I want is a bathroom," she sighs. I pointed it out and poured a cup of decaf for Boy Wonder. I had no other customers, and to be honest I felt a little sorry for him. He had NO chance with this girl - my God, I'd known him three minutes and was already tiring fast of his enthusiasm. It had been a slow night, though, and when he said, "I'll leave you a great tip if you'll do me a favor" I leaned in close to hear the details. So he says,
"Listen, I'M hungry, so I'm eating. She probably won't. All you have to do is, for the ten minutes it'll take me to eat, keep giving me compliments. About my clothes, my car, anything. Just make it sound like you mean it."
As I pondered this (wondering why I hadn't chosen a SIMPLE career, like say rocket science) his brooding girlfriend returned. Fingering the two-dollars-something in my tip pocket, I decided to go for it. I started slow,
"My GOD, you smell SO good!"
He was beaming. I went on, "Most men don't realize that instead of a lot of BAD cologne, just a touch of the expensive stuff is SO attractive." He pretended to blush, looking over the menu. I exclaimed that I had in fact embarrassed him, and added that his complexion was even more perfect when blushing. He ordered a waffle and eggs, and I took his menu only after exclaiming that I was sure I'd seen him somewhere before, and then, "No, I know who you look like! I don't know his name, but my daughter has a poster of him in her room - one of People Magazine's 100 Most Beautiful People!" He smiled as though he got that a lot, and I was humming as I went off to scramble his eggs. His ladyfriend had unceremoniously declared that she would surely "heave" if she ate anything, so I didn't push the issue.
As I cooked, I listened as he told this poor girl that he owned three cars and his own home. I hummed on. At one point, he asked her what her favorite movie was. I liked the question, but before she could answer, he revealed that he was partial to "Top Gun," and he began, much to my horror, a frame-by-frame description of the movie. I decided to serve the eggs soft so as to rescue this poor girl from the nightmare that was her date.
Hating myself for it, I made one more effort while serving the eggs, this time directing my bull(^&* to the doomed date.
"What a lucky lady you are!" I marveled. "I mean, I overhear a lot of conversations in this place, and it is SO refreshing to hear someone who's articulate AND so funny they can make me laugh out loud! This guys a keeper!" I said, winking knowingly at the both of them. The guys was clearly tickled beyond words. Satisfied I'd served up enough eggs, toast, and crap to've earned a tenspot, I left their bill on the table. The cook gave me a "I've-been-watching-you-and-man-can-you-shovel-it" look and I smiled back sweetly.
Less than half an hour after they'd arrived, the couple stood and prepared to go, he looking pleased with himself and her eyes glazed in misery. I went to the register to collect their payment, and the guy slid a bill beneath his check (which totaled just over five bucks,) winked at me, and said, "Keep the change."
When the door closed behind them, I opened my hand and unfolded the bill he'd placed there. It was a fifty.
I'm not ashamed that I serve coffee and eggs to hungry travelers for a living, for there is no shame there.
Thanks again, friends, for listening to me. As we continue on our individual journeys, we should take comfort in one another's experiences - our victories and disappointments - in this collective coaster-ride we've been lucky enough to share. Let us continue to rally for each other, let's be there when friends and family have seemed to give up. The strength in our number is extraordinary, as is my gratefulness to each one of you who have allowed me to share my life with you.
Let me hear from you, be good to yourself, and of course as one Tiny Tim liked to say, "God bless us every one."
Your Friend,
Tonnie

Tonnie:
Have you ever thought about writing a book or submitting your story to a magazine? You are an excellent writer and I am sure you would capture the attention of any Editor-In-Cheif as you have all of ours here. Does anyone out there have connections to a magazine or newspaper? Just an idea-I am sure you make a great waitress and as you said, there is absolutely no shame in that. I have had a few friends that ended up making more than me when they counted all of their tips, as they too had amazing personalities. Hang in there an take it easy! -Bear :blob_fire

Havehadit (& Tonnie):
I too am a chronic worrier. I believe you have both hit the nail right on the head to say the drugs give us a sense of confidence and an almost "scr_ _ it" type of attitude. This may be kind of gross, but growing up I always had a problem with getting so anxious I had to constantly run to the bathroom (_ _ _rhea :( ) When I started taking the meds all of the time for my injuries, I could go anywhere & do anything and my "bowels" never made a peep. That was and continues to be a huge benefit of these meds that may be the hardest part of "real life" to deal with if & when I try to get off of them. It is so comforting reading what you all write and seeing some of you explain exactly what I have felt/experienced. Bless this board & bless you all!
-Bear :blob_fire

You know, I want to say that I am flattered beyond words that you think something I've written is worthy of publication. Having said that, let me tell you that I've wanted to be a writer for as long as I can remember. I have some ideas that I kind of think would fly.
A few years ago, however, I decided that what I really wanted to write was a non-fiction work having to do with my brother's life. It would be a powerful message, not only to addicts but to their families.
My brother was my only sibling. Now HE had writing talent! Only 18 months older than I, Steven was my inspiration, unfailingly encouraging my own meager writing skills and never "letting up" when I'd tell him "I just don't have a good writing style" etc.
Steven became addicted to oxycontin after having a cancerous testicle removed. He, like so many of us, went through his prescription far too early and suffered the miseries that brings.
On June 25, 2000, Steven sat down and wrote a letter that began:

Dear Drugs,
I despise you. You've taken Hannah and Abby's [his children] daddy away from them, and you've ruined my marriage. You tried to turn me against God, and on that you failed.....

There was much more, but that is the jist of it. Oh, how angry Steven was at what those "prescribed" drugs had done to him! He'd talked to me about it the night before, and I told him words that still haunt me today. I said, "Oh come on - you're too smart for that, get over it!"
At ten o'clock that night, Steven ended his life with a single shotgun wound to the heart. He was 36.
After vacationing in Hell for two years, I began a book called SURVIVING STEVEN. Instead of it being THE book (the one I'd have published) it in fact stopped my aspirations to write. In remembering Steven's life, particularly those last few months, the guilt overwhelmed me. The "what-have-I-done"s were killling me, let alone the "Oh God, I could've stopped it!"s. Needless to say, that ended my not-yet-off-the-ground writing career.
But you know, now that I'm feeling my old self again, I really am thinking of begining again. Do you really think I've "still got it?" It would be, of course, a work of fiction, not "Surviving Steven." The story that's on my mind is kind of like the question I posed in an earlier post concerning quantum physics and relativity [i.e. If you could travel back in time and met your grandfather as a boy, what would happen if you killed him? Would that mean you wouldn't exist now?] Imagine the possibilities for a novel there!
I like to write using a simple format with LOTS of conversation. I often use descriptions of folks I've really seen (many times when I see a colorful person, I'll jot down their descriptions on anything I can find - sometimes even my hand!) Sounds crazy, but it works!
M' gosh, I'm so sorry. Talking about my writing on a serious board like this one. That's what drugs will do, I suppose. Take a promising talent and wash it away like a wave over the sand.
Believe me when I say that when someone writes and says they've enjoyed my post, it makes me swell with pride. Makes me wonder if perhaps I still have a chance, and that makes me dizzy with possibilities! So know that I'm grateful to you for saying that, for letting me taste that long-gone feeling of hope (And as we all know, feeling good without drugs is a magical and wondrous experience!) It felt good, friend.
What an understatement it is to say you've made my day!
Your Friend,
Tonnie M.

Tonnie: :wave:
Without any doubt in my mind I think you have exactly what it takes. I believe it would be wonderful therapy for you to deal with your brother's death and the difficult decisions you have had to make since. Your quantum physics idea is great as well. Who says you only get to write ONE book? LOL :D I have not seen one person respond to your posts without making some sort of comment about how touched they were or how great your writing style is, am I wrong?? How can that many wonderful, smart people be wrong? My husband tells me often that I should go to college as well. He is sure I am wasting my brain staying in my good paying job instead of bettering myself and doing something more fulfilling. He is right, but along with these meds comes a bit of laziness, and it is true that you pretty much stop wanting (or being able to) grow. I am so glad I found these message boards. I am looking forward to making so many true friends here and I am proud to call you one of the first. Well, I'd better be off to bed. I keep dozing off as I type. :yawn: Take Care!
Your Friend, -Bear :blob_fire

"Dear Drugs..." yeah from there on out thing were pretty blurry on account of the tears and searing pain in my heart. Oddly enough quantum mechanics, universal string theory, and the like happen to be my favorite non-fiction topics of interest. I've got a script in pre-production now based on an every day group of people in a real world setting who are effected by the above. I think your ideas are great. When you get a minute check out the indie flick "Primer" I'd love to hear your opinions on it. Also check out the book "From the Corner of His Eye" by Dean Koontz, right up your alley. Trust me on this one.

I'm a little rattled right now. You've addressed the one issue about the pills I've never heard anywhere, and it hit home: CONFIDENCE. In my line of work it too is a requirement. I'm on Day 6 of Cold Turkey and as of this moment I actually feel pretty good, no cravings. However I'd be lying if I did say that I too worried about being me without, well me anymore. We're both in social businesses and personality goes a long way, losing that crutch will be hard. I dread going back to the set without my daily dose because there's an expectation of who I am there. Can I really still be that guy if I don't have my morphine? Will I lose all my creative flow and just stand around giving blank stares? Hell I'm even afriad of going back too soon because I don't want to suddenly cry because something moves me and someone catches me. So many worries. So yes you are not alone in this regard. I guess what gives me hope is how in touch with things I now feel. Perhaps being temporarily vulnerable isn't such a bad thing. Even fear feels sorta good right now, if that makes any sense.

Your brother's story sounds like a documentary that needs to be made. Too often we just see the homeless junkie on the streets. A doc might be right up your alley too, you have a talent for stream of conciousness writing that would bode well for the voiceover and story structure. I wonder how many other "Stevens" would be changed by this story, because it certainly hit me. I remember the feeling of wanting to reach for the gun (which I've since gotten rid of). There are several great programs available to help you format the story in to a treatment or script or to even help you organize your thoughts; Final Draft is our standard but check out Dramatica too. If you find things coming together and you decide you want to move forward drop me a line and I can direct you to a few people at various studios that may be interested. You may even decide to do this locally, with a TN production company and there are a lot of grants and programs out there with money available to you to do this, especially because of the topic. You'd be surprised the kickbacks the Feds give to broadcast and film to include a "just say no" message. The dollar amount is staggering and there's no good reason why you can't have some too!

Of course if your preference is print, publishing, or even online mags if you can put together writing samples I can direct you to a few people and places too. I absolutely think the talent is there and it is clear you speak to people, if you can harness that and direct it you'll find success. It's only a matter of time. No rush though, consider this a standing offer. Do what you need to do to keep your recovery on track and the rest will fall in to place.

Ahhh, apparently I can't leave my email address here, board rules I guess. Hmmm....

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Me too Tonnie,
I do believe in your ideas about self-medicating. I am a very shy and quiet type of person. When I started doing oxy and fetynal, I felt like I owned the world. I could talk to anyone without feeling stupid. Have a very nice conversation, and walk away with a great feeling. I had such a high self-esteem. After a couple years of this feeling, I had to quit. I had no other choice. Either drugs, or my family. I was clean for months, than relapsed. The months I was clean I felt good, like I was doing the right thing, but soon enough, that feeling wore off. I just wanted to feel like I did before. But now I am clean again, and want to stay that way, but now I don't want to go anywhere or talk to anyone. I go to work, talk to the same people I see every day, than pick my daughter up from daycare, go home and hang with my husband. We never go anywhere or do anything, but yet I'm fine with this idea. Sometimes I wonder if I have ADD or ADHD or something, but I know if I even think about going to the Dr. my hubby will just say "You're just going to get some meds to mess you up" and even if he did support me going, and the Dr. did say I have something, anything, and prescribed me something for it, will I take it as the directions say? Or will I just get messed up for awhile, run out of my meds, and feel like crap for the rest of the month? Maybe I'll just continue to feel the way I do, and dream every night about the drugs I want the most. Every chance I get to get get my hands on pills, I do it. 1 week ago I found myself digging through my step-fathers drawers looking for his pain pills I know he has. I found them. I stole half of his bottle of Oxy IR. I would take the capsule apart, snort the oxy, put the capsule back together, and then stick it back in the bottle. After I came down from my lovely day of pleasure, and having no more pills to take, I felt so guilty. I stole from my family. For years when I did drugs, I stole them from elderly people. They gave me what I wanted- drugs, and I gave them what they wanted- attention. I would be so messed up, feeling soooo gooood, very talkative, they loved me, and never suspected a thing. I cared about these people, but there only purpose to me was- pain pills!! I felt guilty for what I did to them, but now I did it to my family.
Ok, now I'm rambling, sorry. I totaly feel the same as you, but confused what to do too.

Good Luck-
Have a good day!!!!!!

P.S. You NEED to become a writer. I always read your posts. Thay capture your attention, and are always a pleasure to read.

Hi Tonnie,
You are an amazing writer. And I am saying that as a professional writer (I write for boring local magazines – I’m not very good to be honest with you). I mean it – you are far better than I have ever been. Frankly, working as a waitress is one of the best jobs that a writer can have. I think it was Ralph Waldo Emerson who said "a writer’s place is not in the colleges, it is in the streets" – or something like that. You have to watch people and truly understand them in order to develop the wisdom that it takes to write – because you have to have something to say. And you do. I am so sorry about your brother. It sounds as though you aren’t ready to write about that, that is totally understandable. Anyway, I think Emerson also meant that because the unfortunate tempermant that goes along with a writing talent, which often includes more fruitless self-examination (and crticism) than any person should ever have to face, we often want to hide from the world in shame (completely baseless shame, but that’s what we do to ourselves). I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again – despite what you tell yourself, you are a rare and priceless gem of a person. Please believe that.

I am in hell today. I mean I really, truly feel that. I just have to write this out – maybe this isn’t the proper place to do this but I’ve got to get it out. I have somehow managed to stay away from the pills for a month, but I’m drinking again instead. Last night I met with two of my husband’s co-workers and I got so drunk, so humiliatingly drunk. I can’t repair the damage that I did. I bared all – I mean everything – to these people. I cried, I told them about my lost pregnancy, about my marital problems – writing this is making me cringe – I cannot deal with what I did or said. What in goodness name am I going to do???? I don’t even remember most of what I said! One of the women even called me later to tell me that I should not have trusted the other woman, that she has a huge tendency toward gossip and that everything that I said will be common knowledge around my husband’s office. My husband does not know what happened (yet), he was away last night. I somehow made it into work this morning after just three hours of sleep. My head is pounding so hard I can’t bear it. I feel awful and I truly do not know how I will make it through this day. I’ve got three stories due tomorrow – I’ve barely started them. The physical suffering I can deal with. It is the emotional and mental pain that I cannot bear. It’s like I am determined to destroy everything that is good in my life. I don’t even know what else to say here, I’m just not in control and it scares the heck out of me. I am trying to count my blessings. I should have gotten a drunk driving ticket – I didn’t. I could have done a "drink and dial" (a common problem with drunks like myself) and made things even worse with someone. Wow I could really use some words of wisdom from someone. I truly am scared to death. I’ve done this before and I promise myself every single time that I will not drink again, but it’s as if someone else is in the driver’s seat. The fact is, I can’t face a life without drinking. I prefer pain pills, but if I can’t have those I drink and it’s horrible.
I’m liable to go on forever, I’m not sure why I’m writing this here but I will shut up now.

To the last poster – I have adult ADHD, and you really should look into it. Substance abuse is among the most common symptoms of untreated ADD. It’s hard to live with and you self-medicate in order to get your mind under control. I take Ritalin, and I do understand your concerns, it has a very high potential for abuse. But I, by the grace of god, have not abused it – yet. It is a battle sometimes, but I know that it helps me so tremendously, that I cannot risk developing tolerance or addiction to it because lord knows I’ve got enough problems as it is. Anyway, off I go again, babbling. But do look into it. There is a non-stimulant medication available now, but unfortunately it doesn’t work for most people. But it is worth a try.

Tonnie (and all of you here), thank you so much for your candor and your willingness to be vulnerable and honest about your problems. This board has brought me so much comfort and I need comfort so much right now. Sorry this was so long.