Hi everyone,

I dont know if any of you remember me, but my first post described that I am the girlfriend of a recovering vic addict. He is now on subs.. Right now he says he has tapered down to 1/2 pill... Anyways, I just wanted to update you all, get your thoughts, and ask another question... First the question:

Is that last 1/2 pill the easiest part (totally becoming clean) or the hardest part??? I ask this because of what's been going on over the past few weeks...

First, i'll say that bedroom wise, nothing has been going on between me and b/f for probably close to 2-3 months now... He always maintained it was not me, it was the meds, but now i'm not sure because he's down to 1/2 pill and still nothing.. Well, over 4th of july weekend while we were at the beach we "broke up"... He told me "the spark is gone"... it's very very weird though, because he keeps saying things like "I still fall more and more in love with you every day, that's not the issue" and "I love you" etc.. he said having the title "boyfriend/girlfriend" puts pressure on him. That he doesn't feel like he's been the best boyfriend to me in that way (sex)... He swears he doesn't even want to be with anyone else... He still has pictures of me up all over the place, still calls me all the time, still emails me all the time, etc.. he says "why do you have to make such a big deal out of this when it doesn't have to be??" "why can't we just keep everything the way it is without the title??" - my question is, why all this contradiction??? Saying lets be friends and see what happens in one breath, but yet still acting like we're together all the time...

He's also been very depressed alot lately... He says he's always feeling down and physically always freezing cold and not able to sleep... I dont know what's going on... I've been just basically giving him space and going with the flow, letting him hold the reins so to speak... Anyone have any thoughts???

Thanks

For me, when I tapered off vicodin, the last few steps were the hardest. A 'rule' if you will, is the 'lower the slower' for an opiate taper. I didn't really even notice the first few drops, but a reduction at each of the really low doses were painful. If that helps at all.

His drug problem aside, this man is trying to tell you it's over.

Haven't you ever heard the "let's just be friends" speech before? You have probably given it to some broken-hearted fellow in the past.

Time to move on. Consider yourself lucky.

If he doesnt want the title then you need to cut him off...then see how he feels about that. If he doesnt let go....then he needs to compromise with your needs.

"I invented 'it's not you, it's me!'" --- Man I miss me some George Costanza.
Actually this doesn't sound like a break up at all. This is what we guys call "WING WALKING" meaning holding on to the old gf just in case something goes wrong as we cross over to the new gf. Not to mention we are notorious for the "GO BACK", which is once we've finally made the break and settled in with the new girl, we suddenly become obsessed with one last forbiden go round with our ex.

Honestly for all the support and all the garbage you've endured, I think the more important question isn't "why is he doing this" but what is going on inside of you that allows you to tolerate this (hint: it's not love). I don't know you, so I can't say, but I do know I've met my share of great, caring women who allowed themselves to remain in bad relationships because their self image is completely out of whack...and of course said boyfriend doesn't exactly help. This image problem can be every bit as dangerous as a drug addiction. All I ask is that you take an honest look inside yourself and your reasons for continuing to allow him to dictate terms like this while you are left hurt and confused. Are you not worthy of caring, respect, companionship, intimacy, and honesty?

It's hard to leave behind the comfortable and the familiar. Anyone here will tell you that. So take the bold step. Choose better than "okay" and don't settle. You don't have to be that girl anymore.

Then again, I'm a guy and what I know about women you could barely fill a thimble with so take this with a grain of salt. I could be completely off base, as I often am.

Either way, best of luck to you and keep us posted.

Large

Hi all,

Thanks for your responses... I'm just wondering though... Why all the contradiction on his part?? Largeman, I completely understand your "waiting in the wings" speculation, and i'd say yes in alot of cases, but this time i'd have to say that's not what's going on here... I seriously and honestly do not believe there is anyone else involved... I just can't understand why this guy says one thing, and when I start following it and start giving him his space by totally leaving him alone, no phone calls, no emails, etc. - then why is it HE contacts ME???? And he always is sad when he sees that he's the first one to have made contact. Like he'll email me and write "how come you didn't send me a message today" with a frown face symbol.... THAT is what i'm having trouble understanding. I mean, if you truly dont want to be with someone and you see that they're leaving you alone, wouldn't that make you happy??? Why would he always be calling and emailing and making plans to get together?? I think alot of it has to do with the whole addiction/detox thing and that I just dont understand it. I've never experienced it so I can't understand it. I told him, i'm very proud of him for everything he's done and is doing, and even if his getting clean tears us apart i'd still rather he be clean and I mean it because I love him, but I am just so confused by his words/actions. They are so contradictory.. And it's also bad because he's down to his last 1/2 pill and he's been feeling very sick lately, plus he just got a shoulder injury so it's making things worse, and I KNOW it's the worst time possible to even bring up talking about our relationship...

Obviously withdrawal has a lot to do with the scattered contact, mixed signals, and outright contrary behavior. Of course the addict side of him plays this role too. With Wing Walking there needn't be another woman lined up, simply the option to go get one. Here comes pure speculation: As you detox, you begin to return to normal in SOME areas. Others you are completely haywire. Being on a low dose may be leading to an slight, but inconsistent increase in libido, which of course compels us to act even stupider. Ironically, this returning libido has some unexpected complications...how do I say this delicately...just picture a gun that accidentally fires everytime you unholster it. So if he does decide to play the field soon, take comfort in knowing they'll be some, err -- misfires.

Withdrawal is an emotional process and not at all rational. I've well up with tears at some of the dumbest things. No doubt he is all over the place, especially when he is still using some. Until he is clean you won't have the real guy anyway, so it is hard to say who you'll end up with. Maybe he comes out of this realizing what a huge mistake he is making here. He may not though, so again you need to ask yourself "How much am I willing to endure and why?" Another thing to consider is what you are looking for from this relationship and will he be able to give you that. If those two answers don't truthfully line up you're going to have some tough decisions to make.

As for him, right now he needs to focus on HIM and his recovery or this is all moot. I suggest you use his detox time to examine yourself and focus on YOU so that either way you will end up happy and able to create a postive environment for yourself regardless of who you are with.

Remember addicts have this way of becoming the center of everything to the detriment of those around them. Your love and concern for him is admirable, I'd just feel a little better if I saw that reflecting a little toward yourself.

Disclaimer: I'm an idiot and a man, a near fatal cerebral condition when you combine the two, so please keep that grain o' salt handy when reading my posts.

When all else fails, try a cheesy 80's movie. Just trust me on this one.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to go seduce a french exchange student, ski in a down hill death race, draw some cartoons, and avoid a crazed paperboy.

"Gee, Ricky, sorry I blew up your Mom"

Large

Ha!
Large-you crack me up! What a card... Onetwopunch- You might try drawing the lines yourself for a while. I am alot like you when dealing with my husband, and for the most part it works and we are able to be happy with minimal bumps in the road. There comes a time, though (I am at this point in my marriage as well) when you have to say, "This is what I need to be happy and if you cannot give it to me I want to separate until you can." That way you hold all the cards and he can work out what he needs to workout without bringing you on the rollercoaster with him. It is one thing to be helping him through this when he is appreciative and embracing your help & love. It is completely another to expect you to give unconditional love & support when he cannot commit to even wanting you around. Stand up for yourself-the worst that will happen is you will break up and if that happens, have you really lost anything that wasn't already missing? Just a thought. Best of luck, hon....
-The Bear :blob_fire

Solid advice indeed! I officialy give this my patent-pending, insomnia induced blank stare of approval! (Believe me, a blank stare takes a concerted effort on my part so this is high praise indeed)

Glad to make ya chuckle. Laughter is the best medicine...since I can no longer have a freakin morphine!!! (he says with playful angst)

Large

Onetwo,

I have no idea if you have read any of my posts, but maybe the fact that I am in at least a similar place as your bf, maybe I can shed some light on what he is "thinking" and "reacting to you".

First to address the being cold, depressed and ot sleeping thing. I am almost sure that in those times, you can bet he is out of pills, and probably experienceing wd symptoms. During those times, he will not hear much less care about much if anything you have to say to him, because he is wollowing in misery at those times.

As far as the mixed signals, I mean abosutely no disrespect by asking this, but you don't mention yours or his age. I wonder, if that might not be the level of maturity he is at, combined with the pills, I can only imagine not being able to understand much that motivates him.

Being addicted to any drug, has been compared to "an affair", because it is without doubt the most important thing in our lives. If we aren't spending time getting it, we are trying to, or counting the days until we are out. It sounds as if he has not yet come to terms with the problem that he is quickly getting himself into. Just because he wants this from you today, tomorrow may be different, depending on where his mental state is and/or his current pill count. Since you have communicated to him you see an issue, he is very likely hiding it from you as much as possible. So during those times he dissappears, rest assured, it is probalby pill related, and not "someone" else.

As far as the bedroom, opiates definitely play a factor there, and you may, without even realizing it, may be affecting that, because there has to be some level of resentment on your part, because you just don't get why he just can't quit because you want him to. The fact is, he will not quit until he realizes there is a problem and faces it......or hits rock bottom like so many of us do before we pull ourselves out, if we are lucky enough.

So the advice to look out for you through all of this, is good, sound advice. I Have lied to my husband so many times, and beleive me, we get really good at it, but if you know the signs to look for, you may just recognize some of points I have made. Just hang in there, and remember, you cannot force anyone else to do or say of feel anything....We are each responsible for our own destinies.....

Joan

Hi again all,

I just wanted to address some points I read in some of the responses i've been getting. Only because i'm wondering if it affects the advice given in some of them. Especially the one from butterfly64. Thank you all by the way for all the good advice. Normal message boards dont seem to mean anything here. I've been getting what I feel in my heart is bad advice, because while I do talk about his whole addiction, I seem to be getting mostly responses from other women saying things like "kick him to the curb, he's playing games" and "he's just trying to fool you" etc. I sincerely dont think he's that kind of person. He even said to me he's just trying to concentrate on getting healthy again so he can be a better boyfriend. Anyway, with that said, i'd like to answer a couple of the questions that came up.... First of all, my "boyfriend" is 33 and I am 28. He owns his own business, his own home, and a couple of very nice cars. In a nutshell, i'd say he knows what he wants in that way. We went from having a totally committed serious relationship (up to the time he decided to detox) to having what I feel is only "hangout buddies"... He said to me last night "I come home and with what little free time I have I just want to sit down, relax, and have a nice phone conversation with you, and we keep having to talk about this... Why can't you just be my friend for a while while I get healthy? What do you think i'm going out *****ing other girls in my condition??? Are you crazy? That's not what I want" - turned out to be a small argument... And we never argue. Anyway, that is our ages, 33 and 28... Now, from butterfly's post i'm wondering if she knows he's tapering from sub now, not still using vics... BUT, he did mention that saturday was supposed to be his first day of being completely clean, and monday night he felt so "sh*tty" (his words) that he took 1/2 sub... Anyway, just wanted to clear those couple of things up...

It is common for people to want to protect you by telling you to leave. Addiction is no fun and hurts people and the people here telling you that don't want you to hurt.

In my opinion there are two problems here. One he's an addict & two he's a man. My husband had to do the whole lets be friends thing before we got to serious too. Part of it could just be fear of commitment. In my case I gave him some space and he ended up realizing he was ready and came back. Now we're married. He wasn't an addict though - I don't know that I would have reacted the same way if he was. I would want to be there for him to help him trough, which sounds like you are doing. You sound worried and confused too.

These message boards are great because even when we don't like all the information we receive we learn what we do and do not believe about the topic. You do not believe you should give up - so don't. I'd focus on the it's a man thing part and support him as a friend for awhile. Don't focus on the relationship right now - he will need time to get there and it sounds like you are willing to wait. JUST MY 2cents....