I am not addicted to pain killers, alcohol or anything specific but a strong desire lately anyways to be out of my mind. I used to be anti-drug for anything but I started to have uncontrollable panic attacks. So I started taking a little xanax but I started to play around with vicodin...sometimes I felt nothing, sometimes I had a nice buzz...and sometimes I was pretty sick....but I havent taken more than 5-10 total. I have been having the feeling that I want to get high (I have a few bottles of different stuff here at the house) but I think about all the stories I read here and I havent taken any in 2 weeks..because it is so easy to get where some of you guys are and have been and so hard to get back. I have wanted at times to take vicodin, alcohol and xanax. Its like once you start on one you want to add more to the mix. I am definitely trying to control the xanax as not to get addicted...but I am very thankful for that (maybe take max 4 (0.5) pills a week. I sometimes took as a precaution...but today I found out as I was in a major panic and luckily found 0.25 mg in my purse. That worked...and it showed me I didnt need to take 1 mg or more at a time. Anyways...I just wanted to say that I enjoy reading here and it helps me.

Dear Crush,
I wanted to respond to your letter.
You didn't specify whose medication it was that's available to you. From what you wrote, I assume the Vicoden was not prescribed for you; I wasn't clear on whether or not the xanax was.
It sounds to me as if your budding desire to begin using stems out of boredom. As though you are looking for "something to do" as it were. Please look at this a different way.
Please try to see addiction as a disease. As you know, nobody would ever choose to acquire cancer, diabetes, or leukemia. Let the practical side of you realize that right now addiction is a disease you DON'T have and God knows you don't need. If you've studied this board, you've seen the pain and misery addiction can and does bring upon it's victims and their families.
You said you'd thought about mixing alcohol, vicoden, and xanax. It is uncomprehensible to me that a thinking person would invite themselves to the party of hell that this behavior will certainly land you in. I don't know what you're thinking, but that is quite possibly the worst idea I've ever heard.
I implore you to find yourself another hobby. Try some positive addiction, such as running, meditation (NOT medication), or learning say, a second language or a new skill. Something to better yourself.
Lastly, please think of your family. I would be mortified if one of my children, who didn't currently have an addiction, was sitting there contemplating how to ruin their lives. Surely, surely you don't think the posts on this board are written by folks who ENJOY their predicament? These are people who are truly suffering with this demon, these are strong people reaching out to one another, sharing their strength and using their every effort to just be normal again.
Should you begin taking Vicoden and Xanax (along with alcohol) for fun? I'd like to think that's a question you can answer for yourself.
I wish you the very best.
--tonnie

Hobby...um no. When I say I had desire to be out of my mind, its not for recreation....I have been dealing with emotional pain and anxiety. I have mixed all three...and I don't remember how I got home...except my car was in my drive. Just a bit of a wakeup call. I know addiction is a disease...i know what it is like to live with alcoholics. So apparently reading stories like yours and others who are suffering cannot be beneficial to me? To me it seems when I want to try to deal with this pain with some pills and booze and I don't (not always...sometimes I do) because I read some of the stories on here (yours especially)...I wouldn't know if I didn't read it here. I stated that I didn't have a problem compared to a lot of you guys...but I just wanted to say that I still look here for support. Sorry to step on your toes...but I still will read this board for support.

Oh I see you think I am a child...as you say you'd be horrified if one of your children.... I am 28 years old. Where did I state that I think ANYONE on this board ENJOYS their predicament. Where did I say that I mix pills and booze because I am bored, or for recreation? Do you think I enjoy feeling such pain and anxiety....all I am saying is that reading this board helps me from heading down that road. I have posted here that I was scared that I am going to be prescribed narcotics for a surgery...that is not recreation.

I should have dealt with your points in one post but I keep reading on...

"These are people who are truly suffering with this demon, these are strong people reaching out to one another, sharing their strength and using their every effort to just be normal again."

ALL I AM SAYING IS: Thank you for sharing with everyone...not just ones who are suffering as you are. I learn so much from everyone in my life....I have people in my life who have shared with me...everything...heroin, oxy's, alcohol....What am I going to say "I can't learn from you because I haven't been there?" "Don't tell me what you are going through, don't bother, I couldn't understand?"

Ok...I see...I said playing around and buzz....I guess you could interpret that like I was bored...but not really. Sorry for jumping about that point...but I still stand that others can learn from reading these stories without undermining your addiction.

I am not addicted to pain killers, alcohol or anything specific but a strong desire lately anyways to be out of my mind. I used to be anti-drug for anything but I started to have uncontrollable panic attacks. So I started taking a little xanax but I started to play around with vicodin...sometimes I felt nothing, sometimes I had a nice buzz...and sometimes I was pretty sick....but I havent taken more than 5-10 total. I have been having the feeling that I want to get high (I have a few bottles of different stuff here at the house) but I think about all the stories I read here and I havent taken any in 2 weeks..because it is so easy to get where some of you guys are and have been and so hard to get back. I have wanted at times to take vicodin, alcohol and xanax. Its like once you start on one you want to add more to the mix. I am definitely trying to control the xanax as not to get addicted...but I am very thankful for that (maybe take max 4 (0.5) pills a week. I sometimes took as a precaution...but today I found out as I was in a major panic and luckily found 0.25 mg in my purse. That worked...and it showed me I didnt need to take 1 mg or more at a time. Anyways...I just wanted to say that I enjoy reading here and it helps me.

You are very wise to know to stay away from the pain killers
because they are addictive.
Are you on an antidepressant? do you think that would help
with your panic attacks?
Hang in there.