Hi, Everyone. I am not quite sure if this is the right place to be but I will give it a shot. :D

My parents have looked into an Adult Community with step up healthcare. It is a place called Anne's Choice run by Erickson Retirement Communities. From what my parents have described to me they will purchase a unit that they will live in which will become part of their estate at it's monetary value with no appreciation. In addition to that they are required to have a minimum savings from which to draw from should they require nursing home type care available on site. After that is depleted they are taken care of for life. The community appears to be lovely and my parents are quite indpendent but my father suffers from Hepatitis C, neuropathy and has had a Mitral Valve replacement a little over a year ago. His ability to walk without pain has worstened and they foresee their need for assistance coming in the idstant future.

My brothers and I live far away from my parents....not by choice but necessity. About 4 - 9 hours drive. I also live a good 3 1/2 hours away and we are all concerned because what was just talk has now become a reality. My parents just put a deposit on a unit in this place and have sold their home and will be going into contract this Friday....this came rather quickly and they are determined to make this move within 8 weeks. I just learned about all of this yesterday....they had seriously been thinking about this but it sounded like something a few years into the future. They decided that the time to act was now because the next phase will bring the prices up to something they may not be able to afford.

They assure us that they can move at anytime and get their money back minus a "refurbishing" fee. My concerns are that although my parents acted selflessly in the sense of never wanting to burden us kids with their health problems and making decisions to do so....I feel as if it was also selfish on their part because when their time comes that they are too ill to care for themselves.....I would prefer them to be closeby to one of us (my brothers agree) so that if I wanted to visit on a weekly basis or wash their hair or bring them flowers or be with them in their old age that I can do so. My mom brings up the fact that it is too expensive for them to be nearby me, which is true and where she would like to be being that I am the only daughter with a nursing background, and also there are no guarantees that any one of us will be where we live in the future, which is also a possiblility. So I guess I am in a sense being selfish too.

I just feel unsettled about this decision of theirs.....I truly wish to be happy but the fact is, with my busy life now and all the obligations with my immediate family it makes it difficult to see them as it is. When they really need me it is frustrating that I will not be able to be there as often as I would like to be.

Does anybody have any words of comfort/wisdom on this??? My parents are 74 & 70. I appreciate any advice from others that have aging parents.

Also....I would much rather my parents have in home nursing care/hospice when the time arises. My mom says that would cause much unneeded stress. Oh....this is difficult and I could use some advice from somebody who has actually been there. ;) Thanks ~ Ivory :wave:

Your parents are not being selfish in making their choice as to a place to live at this time. They are trying their best to not be a burden to their children.

I know you would love for your parents to be near one of you, but, there is a high possibility children will move around and it is very difficult for older people to be uprooted. Also, they would be moving away from their friends, church, etc. In other words they would have to make new friends, new everything and end up feeling lost.

As much as you would love for them to be close, too many times children are so busy with their own families and lives they really do not have much time to spend with parents, then, parents are left on their own and very lonely. This happens frequently. I know one couple who rented out their house, moved to state/city where their daughter was (daughter begged them to move there) and after a year they moved back. Reason was, daughter did not have time for them.

I have personally taken care of my m-i-l after major illnesses (heart attacks, etc.) and it is very hard. You are confined at home taking care of parents, you are worn out yet still have responsibilities to your own family, and in the end you lose your own health. I did that, and if I had it to do over again, things would have been different. Remember, the patients usually become upset about their circumstances and guess what, they unload on the one taking care of them. Their frustrations on top of your own frustrations and that makes for double stress. I know, been there, suffered that.

I would like to advise you that age 70 and 74 is still young, they are not over the hill, actually in the prime of life.

My only concern about the place they are buying into is that sometimes the owners go bankrupt, etc. and then the tenants are stuck with nothing. My neighbor's sister is in that situation. Instead of having care for life, she now has to pay rent even tho she bought the apt. long time ago. There went her investment down the drain. Fortunately she had money to survive under this situation, but it does hurt when your money is gone and have to start paying rent again on what you thought you owned forever.

Please try to think this thru and reconsider your thoughts regarding your parents making this decision. I am 70 and huband 76 and we are not over the hill or ready to follow children around in new and different places. We love where we are and love to go visit children, live our own lives, etc.

Marie ~ You said just what I wanted to hear, in fact if I didn't know any better I would swear that you were my mom speaking to me in cyberspace :D

What you have shared with me is exactly what my mom has shared with me as well. And I do understand....it's just that it's already difficult being so far apart and they are lively, in fact my father ends up being the director of every bocce league and we call him the mayor of every community they move into. They are happy where they are but my mom still cries when she leaves me because she considers where I live to be her home (I am the only one who remains in the state that she had been born in, got married, raised her family) and she truly considers this home in every sense of the word because her heart is hear but financially she cannot afford to be here. Recently we went to the church here where I live and where our family attended and she arranged for two plots for her & my dad because this is where they want to be. They are happy where they are but my mom always comes here for Christmas because she says tat she wants to be "home" for the holidays. That is why I am saddened by their decision....but the upside is if at anytime we feel either one of them would be better off elsewhere the option is there to move them. So I am happy with that fact. There are assisted living nursing homes here one in particular that we all like and we have agreed that we can always look into that when & if the time comes.

But like you have already said....my parents are happy with the church, friends, shopping & community that they are in. The train station is right across the street that berings them to me and for the most part, you are right in the sense that with our hectic lives they travel to me so that we can see each other.

Thank you, Marie, for taking the time to open my eyes up to understanding my parents wishes. I do love them so much and was looking forward to giving back to them all that they have given me in their Golden Years. I know that I still can but on their terms in which they will feel dignity and that their wishes were respected by those that they love.

Thank you ~ Ivory :wave:

Your parents could easily live another 20 or 25 years, who knows where any of the children will be living then. It's great that they have a comfortable place to be, without all the chores that can make life so difficult.

I know that you say that you want to take care of them in their final days, but that could become impossible. Mom had dememtia and would wander at night and start cooking.

Best wishes and hope everyone can come to terms with their decision.

Hello Ivory; My in-laws are thinking about doing what you mentioned and what I have done is called the retieriment home and asked lots of questions. I also have looked into other retirement places to compared prices and all the legal stuff (that I do not understand). So we will have a lawyer look at any papers that need to be signed etc. All this has made us feel more connected with their situation and they know we do this with love. It is important to let the people taking care of you parents know your family cares and try to visit ... I know it is difficult , but whenever you can. We live 2000 miles away but feel better knowing they we be cared for with diginity and it is only 8 hours away by plane. I hope this helps a little and do whatever makes you feel more confident. You are a wonderful daughter and they know it I'm sure - God Bless our senior family and friends. Liz

Try looking around your own area for similar residential opportunities for your parents. Perhaps they would like to still have family nearby whilst keeping their independence, and not 'being a bother' to you as their health declines?

At least they are looking at opportunities. I'm in the reverse, my in-laws (whome I have been caring for for 18 months now) have bucked the health system every which way and they are VERY ILL. I am exhausted caring for them whilst raising my own 3 kids AND studying to be an Aged Care nurse ... they refuse, absolutely REFUSED to look at other options. FIL is now (as of Tuesday) in a nursing home, fully depressed and miserable and pleading to come home. As much as that makes me feel guilty, I have to say no, because I have to think of me. Nobody else is!!

So rejoice in the fact your parents are thinking 'ahead of time' .. they are loving caring parents. Your compromise could be to try and get them to move closer to you (or perhaps other family members .. is there a 1/2 way point??)

Just a suggestion

Cheers
Sally

It's hard to see your parents enter this stage of their life. And making this kind of a step brings all sorts of emotions for them and all family members.

My Dad is in the independent living part of a different Erickson Community, and I have to say that for our family it was a WONDERFUL decision. What actually astonished me is that people from all over come to live there ... for my Dad is was a 'no brainer', it's in the city wehre I was raised, the city he lived in since 1962.

Everything your parents are telling you about the finacials sounds accurate. I'm not sure about the savings for nursing care part, because my Dad has been carrying nursing home insurance for quite some time, so that could affect that. And yes, they can leave at will, they are NOT locked in. And as they pointed out ... who knows where you'll all be in 10-20 years?

Personally, I like the place. I describe it as a cross between a college dorm (lots of peers, activities, a pub, etc) and a country club (pool, dining room, cleaning services, handyman services and other amenities). The place was built for aging folks, with wide halls and doors to accomodate wheel chairs, rails throughout all the hallways and lots of upholstered benches for a short rest if necessary. There's lots of buildings, all connected by enclosed "bridges" ... walking is encouraged and somewhat necessary. If you have a LONG distance to go, there are shuttle buses that circle the property regularly.

My parents made the decision to sell their house and put it on the market in 1998. Within weeks after signing the purchase and sale, they learned this place was being built. They moved into a condo but as soon as they started 'selling' the Erickson property ... which could be seen from their condo complex ... my Mom started looking into it. My dad balked saying "it's too much work to move" ... but the work had been done. Sadly my MOm got sick and passed quickly, in 2002.

My Dad didn't want to 'be a burden' to us kids ... but there were issues. My Mom had always cooked meals. He learned to cook basics, and my sisters and I froze meals for him, etc ... but he didn't know what an acceptable 'portion' was so he started weighing and measuring food like a dieter and ended up losing weight he couldn't afford to lose. He is a social person but never made an effort so socialize ... if that makes sense. He played cards one night a week with his neighbors, but other than that, he could go several days without leaving his condo or shaving. Since my siblings and I all work full time and I have small children, for the most part we could only visit him on weekends. He moved to the Erickson place about 4 months after my Mom's death.

The monthly fee at Erickson includes one meal a day and they have nice dining rooms (like restaurants). So now that he's there, he shaves and dresses for dinner nightly. He's met people. His old neighbors and freinds are nearby ... they come and he treats them to dinner, he goes out with them. He's now part of a 'crowd' that gather 5 nights a week for dinner followed by cribbage and scrabble and what-have-you. They have special events and invite the grandkids to come to the craft area to decorate pumpkins or color eggs. And my kids think going to grampy's to swim in the indoor pool on a 10 degree day in January is the best thing in the world!!

AND ... the best thing of all is the peace of mind for us kids. He's had some medical issues in the past and he's NEVER been a good driver ... if I called the condo and there was no answer, I'd try every two hours until I reached him all the time wondering if I should go check on him, what if he's sick and can't get to the phone? At this place ... for starters, there's "pull chains" in the apartment so he can call for help if he needs it. (And it works, my neice's son 5yo pulled on one in the bathroom --lol!) If he didn't show up to dinner without calling a friend, they'd look for him. And late at night security flips a little 'lever' on every apartment door. When the door is opened, the lever falls. If the door is not opened by 10am (and my Dad opens it to get his morning paper which is delivered to the door) then he is called. If ever he didn't answer, security would pay a visit to check up on him.

So as hard as this is for you, it sounds like a great move for your parents. ((Hugs)) to you. I wish you the best.