Hey BKFree...
Thanks for replying to my post about bulimia I wrote a while ago...I actually just got around the reading the replys because honestly, I was so frustrated with my bulimia at the time I didn't even want to think about it, let alone read about it. I really relate you what you told me about yourself...we sound a lot alike (toooooo much alike). I was just wondering how you are doing? I'm pretty much the same. Unfortuanately I also have chronic mononucleosis in addition to the bulimia..which I am sure was caused by my bulimia. SO I am completely totally exhausted today and am hoping I can make it through the night without purging...fortunately, there isn't much "good" sugary fatty food in the house (I ate it all..) so I think I will be ok tonight. But tomorrow I am sure I will go to the grocery again and buy more crappy food! I am so sick of myself...I just can't stop and now I am having panic attacks after purging.... my life is pretty sucky =( If you'd like to talk, I'm here to listen and discuss anything. Sometimes I feel so completely alone.

Natasha, I absolutely apologize for not replying to you sooner.
Actually I am doing better. In the last 10 days, I have only purged twice and it's he longest I have gone without purging in over 17 years. What got me to try? I guess I hit my absolute rock bottom and I was on the verge of kiling myself, really. Finally an old friend/boyfriend reconnected to me after 10 months of silence(on my part). He has always known everything about me. My husband is not at all there for me emotionally, just sexually anda friend was reaching out and I just got this kick start because I didn't feel so alone. Anyway I started exercising and taking a supplement called Instone Lean fire, but I don't take the 3 capsules as directed. That's more for people who are relly over weight and trying to lose weight. I take like an eight of a capsule along with an immune support vitamin and mix it in my gatorade when I go to the gym. It gives me tons of energy and focus and clarity and curbs the desire to binge. It is helping me alot. I now keep a food diary of everything I eat, whether I am having a good or bad day. It's especially helpful to write down the binges because when you see it it becomes so much more real if you know what I mean. Also I keep a journal on my computer whic I try to write in at least once a day. If you have Word, you can password protect it so you are safe in knowing that no one can read it. Honestly Natasha, since I have neeb eating better and exercising, and I am doing Yoga. Yoga is amazing, it releases alot of strenght and puts you on this natural high, I have felt better than ever. I can't believe that in such a short time I feel like I can finally gain control. You can do it to. Good luck. I see you post quite often and I will try to be on the boards more often, I will do anything I can to help you, because It helps me too. By the wya, how old are you?

Hey BKFree...

Nice to hear from you again! It honestly makes me happy to hear that you are doing so much better now...the last post I had read of yours sounded like you were doing pretty poorly. It's great to hear how yoga and nutrition have started to help you. I have started taking a supplment called Fatigued To Fantastic! and it seems to have started making me feel a little better (I also am dealing with chronic mononucleosis). I know that diet and supplments and exercise can really make a difference. However some days I am prone to just say, "forget this" and spend the day binging and not exercising at all.

I am glad you are starting to get some support from your old friend/Boyfriend and I am sorry that you husband isn't supportive of you. I am starting to reach out and try to become more social but it is VERY difficult when you have been isolated for so long (self-imposed isolation) plus I have very few friends (really only one I hang out with) since I have isolated myself and had to stop working and going to school because of all of my health problems.

Congrats on only puring twice in the last 10 days! That is great! I was doing pretty good and had gone 10 days (30 was my longest) but just starting puring again 3 days ago. Hopefully I won't tonight...I threw out all the junk food and if there isn't anything really tasty to eat in the house, I dont get tempted to binge as much. Plus my throat is pretty sore from the purging...I think my body has really had enough of the bulimia and is "acting out" in its defense. I have fully convinced myself that I am going to die of a heart attack so along with my binges comes panice that I will drop dead after I purge (another thing to deal with!).

But I am feeling pretty good today and it is a beautiful day and I am grateful to be alive. Through all the bulimia and depression and isolation, it is amazing that I have never ceased to be grateful for life. I don't hate myself, I think I am a pretty good person, I just hate my body (which, in a sense, is hating thyself, but...).......
BTW, I am 22 years old.

Take care and don't hesitate to write back and talk!

Hey Natasha, I must be honest, last night I binged and I was really upset about it. I used to never acre what I did, but last night I did and I cried for a long time and finally talked to my husband about the lack of communication and support and he listened and he tried hard today and it was a much better day. One day at a time. I totally realted to your 2nd paragraph. Those could have been my exact words. You are so young, I am 35, but it doesn't really matter what age you are when you decide you are ready to face your"demons". I will continue to support you and look to you for support as well. To know I am not alone makes all the difference in the world. Talk soon.

Hello again :)

Even though you binged last night, maybe it in the long run it will be a good thing since you broke down and cried after and for the first time really "started caring" what you do, and what your eating disorder does to you.
It sounds like you had a breakthrough! Good or bad, a breakthrough and maybe a step in the right direction... I am also glad you were able to talk to your husband.

I am happy I didn't binge last night but I am really struggling today and want to very bad. However I think I MAY just be able to hold up and not binge. Sadly, the only reason I didn't binge last night is because I had 3...or 4...(diet) coke and rums and was pretty drunk. I certainly don't want to trade bulimia for alcoholism and I really don't even like to drink but I really will do anything not to binge.