I have read the post here and realize I am not alone and my heart goes out to everyone here and if anyone reads this one then maybe some can help me with this problem.
My father died 5 months ago from liver cancer, just 3 months after he was dignoised.
My problem was that I never accepted the fact that he was sick or that there was nothing that could be done to help him and if you can prepare yourself for losing a parent or even come to terms with it, I never did.
So when he died suddenly I thought my world ended, thanks to my children I was able to keep going.
But from the moment he passed, I placed blame on anything and everyone. I like to think that I have gotton over that but the anger at my family members is still there at times for not feeling the same as me like the selfishness of wanting him to still be here and not really thinking of the illness.
Now I am not saying I would perfer him to be here suffering,

but you see that is where the anger is, at I guess GOD for letting it all happen.

I am or was strong in my faith but to be honest I have not prayed since my father died, and when out of habbit I start to pray then I get angry and make myself stop, the thought of whyed he let it happen and if prayers really helped then,

I again would like to think that this is a phase of losing someoneand that I would get over this anger, but I am not, not even a little.

I hate how i am and from the bottom of my heart dont want to feel the way that I do but just dont know how to get over this and cant even pray for help with it.

Does anyone else feel like this, does any one have any suggestions

Desperate
Diva

You can't really be angry with God because you don't know WHY it all happened. We are all put on this earth for a reason that we don't truly know and we're all going to leave under the same circumstances.

Perhaps your father accomplished what he was put on this earth to do, or maybe he WASN'T doing what he was supposed to be doing. Perhaps his body gave out due to lifestyle behaviors, or maybe a bargain was made before he came down here in the first place. We could have all chosen our own death dates for all we know! Death is certain and that is all we know to be truth. We won't find out any answers until we pass on ourselves, and it was meant to be this way for a reason.

Instead of being angry with God (who I'm sure had a good reason for taking your dad - meaning I doubt it was a random "hit"), take comfort in the fact that your father has gained the knowledge we have all been seeking since day one. His spirit is free now - only his "shell" has died.

I lost my father 11 years ago, my mother 3 years ago, and I'm only 38. I thank God in my prayers for letting me have them for as long as I did! My 10 year old son's father died suddenly 3 months ago - for HIM I feel badly.

Perhaps within this sad situation there is a lesson that YOU are supposed to learn in this lifetime. Try to focus your energies on that instead.

Anger is a natural part of the grieving process - it will pass in time. I wish you well. :)

Hey Kitkat, thanks for the post, I will start by saying I am sorry for you and especialy your son, that is such a tender age to lose someone.

Your right with everything you have said and I am thankful for the 32 years I did have with my Dad, I know I should not place the blame that I have but my point was is that I cant help it,

At any other time to anyone else I would think and have said and thought excatly what you wrote, but far my Dad, he was never sick, he was a good man, never did anything to hurt anyone, his love was for his family especialy me, my siblings and our children,

But you are right it was not randam, my father was a beer drinker was many many years, and he did died from liver cancer, maybe my anger is at him even sometimes but I cant feel that way or wont let my self feel that way, I just dont want to be mad at him.

And therefore the anger has to placed somewhere, My delimea, there should be no anger, well that I also know, just dont know how to move on from that and get over it. Dont know how to make the anger go away!!

Diva10

I really feel for your grief.... I am 32 and i loss my mother when i was 6 weeks old...she was 26. I never knew her , so in a way my loss is incomparable to yours. However the bond between our parents is unconditionally deep. There is not a day that i do not think about her.....that i smile for her...that i cry for her.....I have often blame myself as her death was due to childbirth complications

but what keeps me strong is she found comfort in pain...she is at rest and she left a wonderful gift of life, whom is me.

6 months ago a very dear friend decided it was time to leave this madness we call life...he was also 26 but took the decision of death into his own hands, which some said was selfish in comparision to those who have no choice. This incident did make me revisit my grief once more for my mother at the same time as grieving for my friend.
Once again came guilt...why was i not there for him?....but when life decides it is time , it is

Cry when you need to, smile without guilt, embrace their spirit when you need...call out their name when you feel alone...Grief will never leave you ever....but you should address it...dont be scared of it...dont hide it because there will be people around who can relate....

Take care and please find strength amongst your tearsx

hi diva,
i don't often come here. yesterday i read your thread. today here it was again. today i would not walk away from your need.
anger is part of the process we call healing. you will feel anger at your dad. it just is part of it. you will find others to be angry at to avoid this emotion you do not want to feel. relax my friend. you will find your way in time. we all do.
for myself i has been 29 years since my daddy died and 1 year since my birth dad died. anger is no longer a part of my healing. i did that 29 years ago and it only messed me up more. i did not understand then it was normal to wrap my fear and pain in a cloak of anger. i do now. my birth dad had emphazema. he did not quit smoking until he was in the hospital most of the last year of his life. i could have gotten mad at him for not quitting when he had the choice. i chose instead to respect his right to live and die as he chose. at the end he was mad enough at himself for everyone. he knew he had chosen his lifestyle and he knew what it was costing him. being mad at him seemed pointless. instead i focused on healing his family. i was the speaker at his memorial sevice.
that is how i choose to honor his life. by loving and healing when and where i can. that honors the man who helped make me.
i carry within me all the words of both my fathers. within me they live on.
peace,
bluelakelady

I bet that he was one of those who you have to threaten to make to go to the doctor when he was least bit sick or in pain. My mother was the same way. There are people who are afraid of doctors and will go when they can't take being sick or in pain. There is no blame here in the first place. And second, the pain from loss takes time to get over, if ever. I have found peace after losing my father, 12 years ago, mother, 5 years ago. It takes time to find peace and ease of the loss pain. So just take your time and remember your father fondly. I will pray for you and your family. Take care. :angel:

Thank you all,

Just reading everyones podt makes me feel better and makes me feel that the anger will eventually stop,

It is something I have never had a problem with before, I have alway been the type to forgive and forget, I know the loss of someone is different then someone doing you wrong, but still, I was never one to hold on to anger,

But, I can see now that it is normal, I really thought I was just being complettly selfish and was sort of a freak,lol

So thank you all very much.
Diva10

Dreama, you are amazing you said exactly what I feel.
I started to read your post yesterday and could not finish it because it hit to close to home, you know. I came back and was able to read the whole thing, although hard, I needed to here all of that.

Day before yesterday I prayed for the first time in about 6 or 7 months and just asked god to help heal the anger I feel, very short, honestly I cant say that it really helped me to much, not that it didn't but maybe I didn't really want it to, but after reading what you wrote, I actually feel better. I know dosen't make since, but I do, cant explain it, the tears that I shared with your message was somehow a relieaf.
I think maybe it was that you gave me a way to try and work through this, Becouse honestly, I had no idea of even how to start.

Any way, my dad was not unhappy he had just had for the first time in years all of our family together, my sister and her family moved back 1 1/2 years ago after moving 3 hours away years ago, few months before he passed his triplet granddaughters, my doughters, turned a year old, witch was his pride and joy along with his other 4 grand children,

But the suffering you are right about, although he did suffer, for a man who was never sick in the last six months of his life he found out that he had to have gall bladder surgery, witch he was not able to have, he had to take a stress test, witch he failed, they found he had 90% blockage in his heart, that they could not fix and then the liver cancer,

So yes he suffered of course, did not show us all that much because he was not the type of man to complain and he would never allow me and my sister to hurt are worry to much, But even with all that, and what I did see of the pain in his eyes and on his face, I have seen and heard of people who was are went through so much more then what I seen with my father,

So instead of thinking that my dad was able to hide his pain and suffering that well, I would like to think that the lord kept him from feeling all the worse of it and took him early so that he did not go through the worse of it.

Because honestly, I think that my Dads heart gave out before the worse and not the liver, there was no autopsy, but my step mom says it was his liver, the doctors did not say either way, it is a long story but I do say it was his heart,

Thank you very much
Veronica (diva)

Hi. I am very sorry at the loss of your Father and completely relate. I was extremly close to my Mother who died in 2001 and it took quite a long time to be at peace with it.

I was very angry at the doctors who mis-diagnosed her, at God for all of her sufferering for so long and at the insurance companies for making everthing such a fight, my siblings for not helping or seeming to care the way I did, etc. I wrote furious lengthy letters which I never sent but it helped. I even wrote angry letters to God. And I believe God understands our grief and it's okay.

I can only say that somtimes I believe, that only the fullness of time allows us to heal and there are no quick fixes. Try to pray, even if you don't feel like it or feel you really mean it. In time, you will. Try and exercise even if your exhausted. Plant a flower bush or tree in his name and nuture it. And be tender and good to yourself each day as best you can.

As my dear friend told me, we can be grateful that we hurt so much as a testimopny to how deeply we love.

God Bless you.

redcloud, thanks for your post, this statement is so wonderful
"we can be grateful that we hurt so much as a testimopny to how deeply we love"

I wish noone had to go through this kind of pain but it is good to know that the pain lesson'sand forgiveness sets in in time, there has been many times that I felt that I was the only one in the world that was going through this,

I know others have lost parents and been hurt, I am talking about the anger and pure disguest with everything, I know a lot of it is selfishness, but still, it is or is becoming something I thought I would never get over,

So thank you very much.
Diva

I lost my dad on 7/5/05. Just a month ago. I am still hurting over this even though I am 47. He suffered great pain those 3 months he was in the hospital and nursing home. Only 68 years old, he had lung cancer 18 years ago. In Jan. he had quad heart bypass and then colon surgery in April where they found a large tumor. The doctor said that they got it all (although blood test still show cancer), but dad decided they did not get it all. He would not eat because it made him sick. So, for a very horrific 3 months we watched as he starved himself to death. He became so very tiny, covered in sores and eventually no knowing where he was at. I was there most the time with him when I was not at work. The afternoon he died, my mom, brother & sister and I were with him. My sister and I were with him when he took those last few breaths. It was such a blessing to see his face loose the wrinkles of pain. Yet, a month later and I still cry almost daily. I had a nightmare Saturday night that we were at the funeral and everytime I tried to get near him, the casket would move. I woke myself with the crying out. I carry so much guilt inside for him being in such pain. I promised him over and over that it was going to be taken care of and it never was. I still see his face when I close my eyes. He is asking me to "kill" him as he did several times those last weeks. How do I get past this. Hopsice greif counselor called me. I felt like she was reading from a card. It was so predictable "I feel your grief".... blah blah She was just repeating what I was saying. Told me she "hears" me. She was no help at all. I asked about grief support groups near my home - she did not know of any. Geez...

I am new to this board and I am reading up on posts. I came here because my father passed away almost 3 yrs ago. I was only 19. I remember when I was like you, man I was blaming my brother because he was shock camp at the time he passed away and also blaming my dad for giving up and leaving. That was the big one blaming him for giving up and leaving me. I hated him for it. It took me over a year to come with terms that its better where he is. Also to accept that everyone grives differently. I am so sorry for everyones loss.

Hi Diva10, I hope you are well emotionally and physically. I just read your post. I lost my dad August 23,2005. Just like you I was very angry at everyone and God. I stopped praying and I have always believed in God and tried to live right. I for a while was feeling let down by God and questioned him. Such as, how could he allow so much pain and misery in the world and why take the ones that still have so much life left. My dad had just turned 57 in July of 2005. He died of prostate cancer that eventually led to the lungs, bones and his brain. I took care of him the last year of his life. That was the best thing I ever did. I'm no longer angry at God. He had his reasons. I'm now actually grateful. My dad was in a lot of pain. He had suffered long enough. I watched as the cancer took over my dads entire body, but most importantly, his brain. He slowly was losing his mind. My daddy is better now. He is now with God and at peace. It has taken me this long to except it. I also was angry at God for taking my dad the day before my daughters 11 birthday. Plus, now my mom and sis aren't speaking to me. Which is a long story. I am now completely alone. I not only have lost my dad, but my mom and sis as well. Still, I keep moving on. I have no anger in my heart anymore. I do carry a lot of sadness though. I'm trying to gain control of that as well. I just wanted to let you know that what they say is true. Pray to him. I do. Eventually everything works out. Just have to be patience. (Sometimes easier said than done) I wish you well. May God Bless You. :angel: Blossom

Please consider a Grief Group!
I went to one after my Dad died and it helped me more than I ever thought it could.
Hospice has FREE grief groups for ANYone who has experienced a death - you don't have to have used Hospice - and one thing they say that helped me alot was:

"Everybody grieves in their own way & in their own time"

There were two sisters who were there after their Mom died. One was out running her ex-husband's business & the other was visiting her Mom's grave every day and crying almost all day long. And yet both were dealing with their grief in the only way they knew how.

When it seemed like nobody in my family even wanted to say my Dad's name, let alone talk about him & remember the good things that phrase really helped. Talking would have helped me heal alot better and I did find HealthBoards because of that need.
Helping others here also helped me heal.

5 yrs later I still miss my Dad more than I can express. Time doesn't take away the loss, but it does give you a chance to tuck in the loose edges so that you can carry the loss alot better...

Are you aware of the stages that everyone goes thru sooner or later after a death? Anger is certainly one of them as you are well aware. Acceptance is the last one - you'll get there in time; and do consider going to a grief group - they are more helpful than you can imagine...
Ruth
:angel: