As I was shopping today, I found myself in a daydream talking through to myself what I was going to post tonight. Lol. It seems strange but ive become totally depentdant on this website, you all help me so much. And for this bit of the post i just want to say .... THANKYOU!.

I went Food shopping with my mum today, and because I am having a party at my house this weekend I got my own trolley and walked around picking up lots of food for the party.
The thing was - as I went around, almost self-consiously, i would just pick up things like mars bars, and crisps and sweets and just say, sam likes them, oooo Laura will eat them. etc etc, and I realised that what ever im putting in, none of it was for me. I would say to myself - ill get those crisps but I wont eat them, or, I WANT to eat those sweets but I wont so ill just buy them for sam and that will compinsate.
I thought when I met back up with my mum that I had got enough, but she looked in my trolley and said....is that all your getting? I looked down and said 'yes' thats loads. SHe gave me a funny look and said you cant have 2 bags of crisps between 40 of you.
I guess she was right, maybe I was going around picking up the smallest packets of things because I personally didnt want to eat them and the thought of even two packets of crisps made me feel sick.

Mum ended up picking up things for me to take, infact the only thing I really was interested in was alcohol, and even that I know has alot of calories in but I guess I dont think ov it like that.
The thing is....as I went round the supermarket today, i looked at bagels and crossants and pasta and biscuits, and all of them I sooooo badly wanted to pick up and put in my trolley, but I knew my mum would ask me, are you going to eat them? and I would know deep inside if I got them home I wouldnt. Its just the thought of them. I even picked up rice cakes which I know have hardly any calories in, but I couldnt bring myself to buy them, as I knew I would feel so guilty about eating them.

Today I already feel bad, ive gone far over my 500 cal limit that I try to sick to. Ive, have 1/4 bowl of branflakes, 1/2 bowl chips, some pasta and veg, ice cream and a greek yogurt, and still im hungry, im so tempted by that Pop Tart downstairs in the cupboard. But even tho it sits there and says eat me, eat me, it also says, 198 cals, 198 cals. And I dont know which one to listen to. I know if I eat it, I will feel good for 5 minutes and bad for 5 days.

Even though it feels like my ED is getting worse, I still cant make my self sick, Im telling myself its a good thing, and im sure you will all agree. I went to my friends party and drank a fair bit, that night i spent 2 hours in my upstairs bathroom with my fingers down my throat - trying to be sick.
even that didnt work. I dunno! I just have to look positivly i guess.
But this party is just stressing me out.

Anyways, enough about me, how is everyone?
Please reply and tell me how you are all getting on.

Lotsalv

X Hannie X

Hannie, are you getting help? Your ED has progressed quite a bit to the point where you really need to get help...it will be hard to pull yourself out of it on your own. Don't wander into 'other ED territory' because that's dangerous. Please talk to your mom or your doctor or somebody about getting help- it's not JUST about your weight, it's abo0ut your mindset.

P.S. HAVE THAT POPTART! :)

yeah, sweetie, i'm with girlygirl. you've gotta get help! this thing is going to get worse and worse. you won't stop wanting those sweets and bagels and pop tarts, you are going to want them more and more until you're absolutely miserable. you sound pretty sad and lonely already. and you don't deserve to feel that way! you are a wonderful person, trying to make your friends and family happy, but you need to remember Hannie. (Good Lord, I sound like my mother!) this party is going to be hard to get through, but if you let this thing take you over completely (which it WILL, even though you think you can change things), every party, every holiday, every vacation, every DAY will be hard. please think about getting some help. and remember, we're here if you need us!!

Hey, its so good to know your all here.
Yeh I am sorta getting help - well, i went to the doctor about a month (just under) ago - and he was quite wierd and scared me alot, but has wrote to an ED clinic, which should reply in 4 - 6 weeks - i dunt know why it takes such along time. But anyways, hopefuly that will be alot of help, the only problem is ive hidden it soooooo much from my mum since i went to the doc, that now she thinks im fine, i lie to her consently about what I eat. Im a little scared that she wont make me go to the clinic, and if she says I dont have to go, i dunno, i dont want to say I want to because - 1. She'll get so worrid if she thinks that I want to go and 2. I dont REALLY want to go myself anyways.

Today me and my best friend made vodka jellies for the party. It was my friends mum's vodka and when my dad came home he saw how much vodka we had put in it - (3/4 of the bottle) he went crazy. He said we could make them but, i think I put a bit too much in - i dunno, i couldnt really taste it. maybe im now resorting to alchohol to make me happy :confused: i dunno! lol! it sounds funny, of corse im no alcoholic i havent drunken in ages, but, i dunno - even tho this party is stressing me out, im quite looking forward to it.


Today all I have eaten is a citrus ice drink and a some spagetti with mushroom sauce. Even now I feel like ive eaten too much.

X Hannie X