My grandfather, who's in his late 80's, just lost his wife of...60 years or something, and he's just been very depressed about it, understandably. He has been calling family members every day wanting to 'come over and watch TV' and whatnot. That's fine, but some of us are afraid he will get spoiled and never adjust. Today he called my husband twice in fifteen miutes, wanting to come over and watch cable TV (we've told him a hundred times we don't have cable.) We really bend over backwards to make him happy and spend time with him, but he seems so sad when we tell him no.

Another thing is, he's really, really hard to get along with. He changes channels on you when you're watching a program, complains about anything and everything, gets worked up and insulted over the smallest things, and is really...racist, and lets everyone know it. If we try to take him out for dinner, the whole place will hear about how expensive the food is (even if it's really not!) and how things were so different back when he was a boy. Also, he's deaf, and can't hear a word anyone says to him.

I love my grandpa but I don't know what more to do to help him. My family has always been close, but he's driving everyone nuts!!! He needs to just realize that times have changed and get with the program! I think he's a little senile, and it breaks my heart to see him so confused and sad.

Any advice?

Get him involved in a senior citizen program. Most cities have a senior citizen center. He would make new friends, be able to chat about old times and give everyone else a break.

Your grandfather is a very, very lonely man right now. Most likey his wife was his best friend and he has no others. That is the way it is with me and my husband, he is my best friend.

It will take a long time for him to adjust. Please be patient with him, he will never change his attitude and live in current times so to speak. Encourage him to get a hearing aid, the digital kind, will make a great deal of difference. When he visits, make sure someone else has the TV control in their pocket and not in his hand.

I really believe gentle loving care at this time is in order even tho it creates havoc with everyone else. Over time gradual separation will take place.

It usually takes an average person about 3 months or longer to grieve after a loss of their loved one. Your grandpa may still be in the grieving period and that can last up to 1 year or longer depending on the person.

Don't be surprised if your grandfather does not live much longer. The loss of a wife or husband is very hard on them and they usually give up and want to go on and be with their loved one. This happened with my parents at age of 93 and 98, dad lasted 6 weeks only after my mother's death. She fell and broke her hip and exactly 1 month later dad fell and broke his hip, lived about 2 weeks after his fall.

Thank you so much for your very helpful reply. I had not thought of a senior citizen program, but it's a great idea, and I will check into it.

I feel bad for your grandfather and he needs all the love and attention he can get now.. Like the previous poster said it takes time and a senior citizen center might
be the answer. Any man in their late 80 deserves respect and I know its hard on
caregivers but I have found with my MIL I mainly just agree with everything she says.
I hope you grandfather gets better soon. Living to a ripe old age is sometimes all its not cracked up to be, especially when one is lonely. Watch and make sure he is eating and check his short term memory out without him realizing it. It may be worst than your aware of. Maybe even a move to a adult assisted living unit in the future might be in the cards. Good luck to all of you.

Blue, I am so glad you are not my grand-daughter.

Huh? What was that about? I'm trying to help him.

What a colossal change to his life this poor man has had to endure! It may take him months or years to come to terms with it - or he may never come to terms with it, I think that is very much the most likely case.

How can anyone talk of "spoiling" him as though he were a whining child? I think you can surely not imagine the loss after 60 years. It's not a pet rabbit that has gone.

So he has to adjust to your ways! At the grand age he is at? You expect him to change his views on society as well as cope with his loss and loneliness?

I think the first step is for you to accept him as he is, and respect him. And allow him to grieve. Don't try to force cheerfulness into him. He needs to grieve in his way. If he visits you why not humour him and let him choose the programme? Surely a guest would be offered the chance to do that anyway. They would in my house! Do you not have a video to record something else that you may want to watch?

I'm sure you love him and will be a good support for him but you need to allow him space to be himself - accept him and respect him. You don't have to agree with him. It's easier for you to change the way you see him than it is for him to adapt to what you want him to be. If you can change your attitude then maybe you can give him some of the company he needs without resenting it, as you now seem to do.

All the best - it may be a long ride.

Thanks for the replies...but please, let me make it clear that I meant no disrespect to my grandfather. I love the man very much and I am trying to help him, and that's why I'm posting here.

I guess in my post I sounded a little insensitive. I think I was venting a little. He's a *very* difficult person, aside from his loss.

"Spoiling" was the wrong word-- I just meant that we don't want him to become so dependent on the family for everything. We want to help him get through the loss and get back on his feet. It wouldn't be healthy for him to give up and let us do everything for him. We've been paying his bills, cooking his dinner, spending every day with him. We just can't do that forever.

I don't think I deserve the sentiment I'm getting on here--maybe it was a bad idea to post, since you guys don't know the whole story. I was just asking for some advice on how to help him. I think I'm being *very* sensitive to his situation, and I don't know of many granddaughters who would care that much. Please, kindly understand my situation as well!

I guess you are right, though, it couldn't hurt for me to be a little gentler in the way I judge his actions. Thanks for the perspectives.

Blue101, please do not be offended by some of the responses you have recieved. I just looked at date of your post and it was July 15 and your grandfather had just lost his wife. It has been less than a month or about since he buried his beloved wife.

Most likely those responding to your post are much older than you and have travelled down life's road several times when it comes to loss of loved ones. It is definitely too soon for your grandfather to be thru with grieving. He is in the midst of a very difficult time and grieving takes a long time especially after being married as long as he was.

For 3 months to 1 year your grandfather needs the most gentle love, and understanding from his family possible. They say the first 3 months are very difficult when a person loses a loved one. Actually, the first 3 months they are sorta in shock and about 3 months reality that the loved one is not coming back sets in and then they really do grieve hard.

Doing things for your grandfather for several months would not be considered making him dependent on you or other family members. It is impossible for him at this date and stage to pick himself up and carry on as usual. He is very lonely, at a loss, has an empty house, misses his wife, cannot bear to be there alone at this time.

I lost my parents 2 years ago. Perhaps my experience will be of help to you and others. My mother fell and broke her hip. She was in the hospital a little over 2 weeks. I travelled out of town and stayed with her at the hospital round the clock until she died (my brothers & sister would not stay at the hospital with her, said the hospital would take care of her. The hospital cannot take the place of a loved one being with an ill person, comforting them, etc.). After the funeral I stayed with my dad in his home for 2 weeks, then other family members and caregiver were there. I was home 2 weeks and recieved a call that my dad had fallen and broke his hip. I packed up again, travelled to the hospital and stayed with him around the clock for 2 weeks until he died (again siblings refused to stay at the hospital). Dad was very heart broken after losing his wife, they had been married 74 years. His heart was broken as well as his hip. He did not have the will to live without her. I would not trade those 6 weeks for anything, God allowed me to have that time with them I would not have had. Yes, my life was put on hold, I simply walked out and left everything behind (unmade bed and all) and went to take care of my parents, to love them, comfort them, and not allow them to be alone in a strange hospital with strangers. My parents took care of me from birth until I was out on my own, they sacrificed for me and I felt I surely could do the same for them in their time of need.

You are dealing with a similar situation, only your grandfather has not fallen and broken his hip, but he is very lonely, heart broken and not able to function on his own yet.

Yes, your grandfather may be an honry old man, but it is natural for frustrations to be taken out on those close to them. He probably is not acting any worse now than he did before. However, his wife is not here to put up with him, his other family members are.

I hope this helps you to see how others may be viewing your post and help you to understand a little better about the loss of a loved one.

God bless you for being concerned about your grandfather, it is just that some of your concerns are premature at this time.

Thanks, all of you, for your replies. It shed some light on the situation for me. I am going to print these and show them to the rest of my family. (Part of me was echoing the things that I heard them saying.) You're absolutely right, and thanks again.