hey hey all you lovely people :)

i just have to get this out somewhere,and i thought this might be the place,since you might know how i feel to some extent.....

I am ssssssooo stressed out and anxious!i have to go back to varsity on monday (2nd semester) and i have to do swimming....now the reason for my freakout is: i am happy with my body,but to "normal" girls i am waaay too thin......I HAVE TO WEAR A SWIMMING COSTUME...and you know...the whole swimming gear!i am really really stressed...i wish i could wear a wetsuit or just totally avoid it!they are gonna look at me like i'm a freak :(

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!!!!!!i hate this feelinG!the thought just makes me wanna cry.....i hate being judged by others.how could i get out of this?????

Hey sweetie, I dunt really know what to say because Im not really an expert on this but gosh I would love to help.
Do you want to put some weight back on so that you wouldnt look so thin? or do you want to stay how you are?
I know its hard for you hun, but you need to calm down and think this through clearly. I hate being judged by others, for any reason as well, and im sure everyone on this board has been judged at sometime. But that doesnt make much difference to this situation.
Its very hard i know - but the only advise I can really give, if you cant get out of it, or you dont want to gain weight, is just not to listen or think about anyone who would judge you. Stick with your cloest friends and ignore others.

I hope its ok.

Lotsalv

X Hannie X

yeah, good luck. you just have to smile and be strong . . . you'll get through this! just expect the first 5 minutes to be horribly awkward, and i promise it'll get easier after that!!

one thing to think about though: when i was at my lowest weight, i went on a cruise with my family. even though i thought i LOVED my body and thought i looked like a supermodel in my bikini (6 feet tall, 115 lbs . . . absolutely disgusting!), i was TERRIFIED when it occured to me that my dad would see me in my swimming suit. i was so nervous and uncomfortable when i walked out, and i think it was one of the earliest signs to me that this weight was NOT okay, even though i thought i looked totally hot. i think you should try to seriously examine your feelings of being looked at and feeling uncomfortable. they won't go away if you're keeping yourself at too low of a weight, those feeling will just make you feel more and more uncomfortable. so, maybe you could interpret these feelings as a chance to examine yourself. wouldn't it be great to not feel so self conscious?!? maybe you should talk to someone?

good luck and just try to think about it.

thanx Hannie and Jonistyle1

It really means a lot to me that you replied...you dont know how much i need that support right now!I hate feeling this way because it makes me so unhappy,i mean ,i just ate an apple(big one) and a huge tomato (its 10:15pm) and i feel so confused,cos i dunno if thats too many calories or not......or aaaaah!i dunno!
i want to open another post,but it seems that ppl arent interested in what i actually have to say(except u 2 ofcourse :)

once again..thank.u are angels.....i hope things get better for you hannie,cos i can see in your posts that the whole guilt thing is also eating at you (excuse the pun).....please,dont go there,eat when youre hungry,its not like youre gonna eat a whole cow.....i probabaly sound like a hypocrite,but i was hungry now and so i ate an apple and a tomato,at least its something right?i do feel immensely guilty though,and that SUCKS!but please,maybe speak to a therapist.

and jonistyle.....i relate exactly to what you said.i feel great the way i am ....my only prob is the concern loved ones have for me,and its so annoying,that i even avoid wearing short sleeves or skirts around them,cos i dont wanna worry them!have you recovered?how did you go about it?i am seeing a therapist,but i believe that YOU yourself have to make that decision to come right.

once again thanx

Ankh,

thanks for your sweet reply, and don't feel bad about the apple and tomato. they're fruits and veggies, they're great for you! (and don't think people aren't interested in what you write. we're all here listening to what one another has to say, but sometimes we just feel too caught up in ourselves to reply or we don't know what to say. Keep writing, girl!)

no, i haven't recovered unfortunately. but i felt the same as you with not wanting to wear short sleeves or anything revealing around my family. i was always all bundled up in loose, unattractive clothing!! i wasn't fooling anyone, i don't think. anyway, really try to work to get better with your therapist. i actually started binging terribly about 9 months ago (and i used to be a super pro calorie restricter!), and my ED has definitely progressed and gotten worse. don't let yours get to that point! i used to feel anxious about things like apples too, and now i feel fat and anxious from the binging! i just started therapy last week though. this ED is no longer "nice" to me (ie. keeping me skinny and in control) and i'm ready to get rid of it. NOW! i just don't know how to do it on my own, so i'm getting help. i definitely agree with you though, if i don't want to lose this thing myself, i will NEVER get rid of it. but i'm determined to do it, and i think the therapist is there to guide me along, since i really don't know where to start (i can't even imagine not counting calories or eating fried chicken without feeling nervous and horrible right now!) if you're not quite at that point yet, my advice is to really look inside yourself. i know you'll hear it a million times, but ED IS NOT WORTH IT. i was so much happier before i did this to myself and when weight was one of MANY things i thought about and not EVERYTHING.
Best of luck to you, and for now, have a great swim!!

oh hun, please don't stress about it. it is hard. But you'll be ok.

YOu may think you're gorgeous, but what about others? i thought i looked great - my friend said i looked "horrid", that wasn't even at my lowest weight - i was only about 90lb then. (I was 5'1)

I know it's confusing. Try to set yourself a proper eating regieme, with 5 small meals a day. It's much more healthy, and at least you won't stress about how much you're eating then!

love and hugs xx

heya....thanx!

unfortunately i am caught in the web of anorexia.....or at least the MIND of that disorder,although i dont feel anorexic,and typing it even gives me the creeps!i'd NEVER be able to say it out loud!

what are considered meals?.....like 5 small meals right?so what would that actually consist of?a fruit?

Ankh
Sorry for your pain.... I have to agree with the others - we think we look ok or too fat but when it comes to actually having others look at us we get scared and I believe it is to protect ED - deep down inside we realize that we don't look as good as we think. I also agree with the getting caught up in ourselves - ED is such a lonely and scary existence. We are often so busy trying to please ED that we get focsued on ourselves, not to ignore or not feel for others - just sidetracked I guess. As I have said before everyone I have ever met with ED have been very concerned and caring about everyone and everything, just not about us. About the swimming class - can you wear a one piece suit and a pair of shorts? That might help you feel a little more covered up, that is very popular here in the States - even the skinny girls do that where I live..... take care

5 small meals is good, but a fruit is not enough. Typically, you shoudl have 3 actual meals (breakfast, lunch and dinner) and then 2 snacks. The snacks can be a fruit, but I would add maybe a few nuts, or a piece of cheese, or some crackers or peanut butter. For your meals, gauge it based on how others eat, or how you used to eat. Basically, aim to have about 300-400 Cals for breakfast, same for lunch, and then 600 ish for dinner. I know this is probably MUCH more than you're used to, but try to build your intake up to that, very slowly..

This post has helped me realize that even though you feel good at a certain weight, if you dont feel comfortable around others unless you are bundled up in layers, there is a problem. I definelty can not get in a bathing suit at this weight in front of people, although i have to admit, i like being at this weight. I just wish my mind wasnt so absorbed in this ed. I still just dont see though how i got like this. I really dont understand it, but you know what i need to change. I am starting to read the bible more and im hoping that i will find some answers in there. I am a Christian so I feel like right now the only person other than myself that can help me get through this is my heavenly father. Im not sure if this is aloud to ask but does anyone know any good bible verses that has helped you through this??

Liza2 its ok to ask anything here - I don't have any good verses for you but someone else may... If we can't be honest here and ask questions that we really are trying to find answers for I don't know where else we can.... good luck, I hope someone can help

Thanks maggie. I just wasnt sure about the rules on posting religious stuff but i dont think its a big deal. Your right though, i feel like i can really be honest and open on this board and i have you guys to thank!! Anybody else know of any?

I wish i did....Do any of you who are Christian feel like you are sinning simply by having your disorder? e.g.:Vanity, gluttony....I dont know, maybe it is a sin, it just doesnt make sense to me that a "disease" could ever be a sin. I sure do feel like I'm condemning myself sometimes though....