Hi everyone
I had a major reality check yesterday and I also felt like I was under a huge microscope. I've had my ED for a couple of years and my therapist knows, my psychiatrist knows and then when I went to the hospital I had a nutritionist and all that stuff. So lots of people knew but my primary care doctor didn't.
Well I went to the doc a few months ago for knee pain (from my new found running) and somehow the topic came up and I told her about my ED. Well she was really cool but wanted me to be "followed medically" so I had to set up an appt and it was yesterday. It was with the other doctor, who is really nice but I'm not used to.
So I went in yesterday and she was like "so what can I do for you?" and I told her what the other MD had said and she asked me to explain why I thought I had an ED. So I had to go into it and I got so nervous I actually started sweating. And she's asking me all these questions and when I told her about my exercising she talked about how some of it was too much and so on. She asked me about my eating and I had a hard time explaining how I feel under control but of course still have major issues. I just felt so weird! I mean my therapist knows all about this stuff and my doc isn't in "the sacred circle" so it's weird to try and tell someone who hasn't known all about my stuff. Ya know?
So now I have to go see a nutritionist and come back to see her in 6 weeks. I didn't have to go to a nutritionist when I left the hospital and my doc thought that was weird. But I really think that could end up making things worse. Cause I finally have a little bit of a comfortable routine, I don't want to go back to focusing on food because I'm being told to, as opposed to my own obsessive need to do so. Does that make sense?
God I TOTALLY felt like a science experiment and like I was being looked at under a GIANT microscope. I mean I get anxious but I am not one to start sweating, and god did I ever!
It was really embarrassing. And now that I have to go back and see her in 6 weeks I have to go to this appt with the nutritionist.
I also think I would've been more comfortable with my usual doc, I mean this lady is really nice too, but I'm more used to the other one and didn't feel so weird when I talked to her about it. Ya know?
Well, sorry it's so long. Thanks for reading if you got this far :).

Lauren

i'm sorry this was so awkward for you. maybe you can talk to your regular doctor and explain that this is a very uncomfortable issue for you, and you'd be more comfortable is she could help you instead of this new doctor. and try not to worry about the nutritionist thing. if you're still eating in a self imposed routine, it means you ARE thinking about food, whether you want to admit it or not. so try to think of the nutritionist as a blessing in disguise. to get better, we need to think about food a lot at first in a guided, non-ED way, but eventually, that need will pass. and then we won't have to think about food at all! (or at least, not as much). good luck with the doctors and don't be afraid to state your opinion on who you want to see. it's your body and your mind and you deserve to be with someone who helps you and with whom you don't feel isolated and awkward.

It is your choice you do not have to see that doctor again.

I am sorry that you had a bad experience. You should never have to do something you don't feel comfortable with.

It's understandable to be opposed to change..but you have to really think if avoiding this new doctor will help YOU..I mean, it's good that you;ve got a routine down pat, but is it a GOOD routine? Like, are you constantly improving, very slowly? Trying new things that may 'scare' you a little bit? It's hard, of course, but getting better isn't easy by any means, and you have to work for it. Other than the fact that you feel uncomfortable, what would happen (worst case lets say) if you worked with this new doc? Might you possibly be challenged a little, maybe a little scared, so that maybe you'd get just that little bit more better? Closer to a healthy frame of mind? I don't think that you should disregard this doc's help completely before you give it a chance...there isn't any reason to!

I agree that you shouldn't do something youre not comfortable with, except when it comes to EDs- sometimes it takes that little courage and that little frightening experience to push us to get better...

Hey Lauren
Sorry , your visit sounded like it was really akward for you. It's always hard talking to someone new about our ED's. For me I always feel kind of stupid and inadequate with someone new. I understand about the nutritionist ( got one of those too) and the shrink (got one of those too). What is the goal for your primary doc? I see mine at the request of the shrink and food police but he doesn't really make too many of the decisions, just checks the heart,blood etc. so it's not too bad. The other two set all my "rules" for lack of a better word. Give it a go and see what happens. It does get a little expensive seeing a lot of people believe me.
I appreciated your post to me when I signed off for the last week. I'm really having a hard time with my hypocritical life, you know counseling others and then being in counseling myself. I feel like such a failure. How can someone who knows so much know so little......

Hey everyone
I do plan on going back to this doc. I wasn't uncomfortable around her, it was more just the situation. I really felt like such a loser. I'll go to the nutritionist, I mean, it can't really hurt. Maybe I'll learn something new.
I guess I'm just kind of used to the way that I deal with my ED and having someone else come in that's not one of my "usual supports" is weird. I know that this doc is only trying to help. I just am used to my usual doc and feel more comfortable talking to her.
I don't think she's going to have too much of a role, I think she just wants to make sure things are ok medically. She knows I have a therapist and a shrink so we'll see.
God it would be wonderful not to think about food so much. I guess I feel kind of hopeless about that since it's been so long since I haven't thought about food every minute of the day. I don't want to put to much stock in the nutritionist because ultimately it is up to me. Ya know?

Hey maggie, I hear ya about feeling like a HUGE hypocrite. I also spend ALL day counseling people but can't help myself. The thing is that it is a lot easier to help others and listen to their problems because they do not directly affect us. It's a lot easier to be objective. It also feels better sometimes to focus on somebody else's life than our own.
We are our own worst enemies, so we may know a lot but when it comes to our own behaviors and neuroses it's REALLY hard. You DO know a lot and I bet you are a FANTASTIC therapist!! And you are NOT a failure! I know it's a lot harder to believe that but at least know I think that. We may be therapists but we are still human. We have problems too. I mean cardiologists still have heart attacks, orthopedic docs still have joint pain. I mean, we all still deal with stuff, we just may be a little more knowledgeable. Which can be both a blessing and a curse, as I'm sure you know.
Take care

Lauren

thanks Lauren (sitting here crying) you are so right I tell my shrink all the time I would now exactly what to say or how to be supportive to someone else - why is it that I cannot help myself - GRRRRR. I try very hard to be objective with myself but it just doesn't work at all. I used to work with the little kids (abused ones) but I left that 10 months ago b/c it was turning into a real trigger for me so at least I can still recognize when I am not "safe" anymore for lack of a better word. I am careful to not work with anyone who has ED. Sometimes it is so hard, like you when I go to the doctor or anyone - all the focus is on food and why the HELL do I want to think about food. it already gets stuck in my head in a bad way. It was really hard to not starve and/or throw up this last week - it was seriously all I coudl think about but I knew if I did either one that I wouldnt be allowed to go to therapy b/c that is breaking the rules. I too am going to get someone new with my tx team - new food police the other left b/c she just had a baby. I am somewhat nervous about it - it always feels like starting over. The regulars in our lives know our quirks and personalities and the new person is always like - ok what the heck is up with this ED person? And that's ok. I know I would think the same thing if I could be objective about myself. SOrry I am rambling - Lauren I am sending a big huge hug your way - thanks so much