I’m not really sure what I’m trying to gain by posting here, but I don’t know where else to turn so here goes…

I’ve suffered from eating disorders for about six years now, and from depression for even longer. I was treated for it three years ago and put on anti-depressants, which finally helped me begin to recover. Then, at the end of last year we very nearly lost my sister to a rare illness. I watched her decline so rapidly that one evening she was sitting at home talking to me, the next she was in intensive care in a coma and on a respirator. We were warned that we might lose her that night. She was airlifted to a larger hospital where they discovered what was wrong with her and treated her, and eventually they were able to awaken her from her coma.

I have never felt so helpless in my entire life. I barely left the hospital while she was there, and couldn’t stop thinking how completely unfair it was that she had to go through this. To this day I believe it should have been me. She has so much more to live for than I do, yet now she has to live with the fact that someday this may reoccur, and that it may one day kill her. :(

I’ve been away from home from the beginning of this year as I am a student and have found it really hard, as even though I know she will not become sick so suddenly I couldn’t get home, I still worry that she may become sick again. I’ve been so depressed and have begun starving myself again. I know I’ve lost a lot of weight that I never needed to lose in the first place but it’s still never enough.

Most of all what’s been bothering me is my incredible amount of anger. I have so much anger inside of me that my whole body aches. I have severe depressive moments and am more than just “irritable”. Things haven’t been going well at my course either for several reasons.

I guess what it all comes down to is that I don’t want to feel so angry all of the time. I’m so tired of it and I know I’m not a pleasant person to be around anymore. It’s difficult to explain, but sometimes I’m so angry I just don’t know what to do or how to get it out. I think I have a lot of remorse over some things and I don’t know how to deal with it. :confused:

If anyone can help... I would appreciate it so much.

Let me tell - the first step to freeing yourself - you've just taken it - good luck.

It sounds like you've been through a lot. Venting your anger (in a controlled way, not by making others miserable) would probably help, like if you could talk about your feelings with friends or family, or, particularly, with a therapist. I think posting comments online here can be a help in pointing you in the right direction, but probably can't take the place of a live, understanding and sympathetic ear.