I had my party last night which I told you all about, and how much it was stressing me out. I got home from work at about 6.00pm and had to get everything ready for 7.30. I panicked big time and was soooooo stressed out. There were so many people who were there. But everyone seemed to have a good time. But I had far too much to drink and I ended up being sick in my bathroom. Then at 12 my mum and dad came home and my dad got me some water in a glass, which I dropped and it smashed all over the floor. apparently my dad picked me up and put me in my bed but I dont remember anything. I think I shouldnt have drunken that much as I cant remember 1/2 of my own party. But everyone seemed to have a great time and really in the end I did aswell. I dont want to turn to alchohol for help with this ED. It seems like im always waiting for the next party so I can get things off my chest which I cant normally do.
Only a chair got broken and ive lost the garage keys. But something good happened -
My friend who has been in hospital with and ED asked me if I was taking care of myself, at first i ignored what she was trying to get out of me, but as the party went on, we got into a huge discussion about ED's and how much I eat etc etc, and it was sooooo good to talk to her. She understands that I cant stop easily but she was pursuading me so much to stop doing this to myself. Its just hard, ya know?
Plus this morning, im as happy as a chappy because I weighed myself, and the starving has payed off, now im 92lbs.

How is everyone doing? I hope people are ok and your problems arnt bringing you down so that your v. unhappy.
I guess im having a good day so far which I hope you all are as well.
Just gotta get the clearing up done, and everything should be good to go!

im glad the party's over now.

Love ya all v much

X Hannie X

Hey Hannie
I'm sorry that you ended up being sick at your party. I'm glad everyone had a good time though. I can understand your fear around "turning to alcohol" but at least you are aware of it and your desire not to, so that's going to help you.
It's great that you got to connect with your friend. It's always REALLY helpful to have someone that understands. My best friend has an ED and she's been in "remission" for a LONG time. So she really helps me out. She also is the one that helped me to realize I had a problem and needed help. As I can see your friend is kind of encouraging you to get the help you need. It's hard but it's a good thing.
Take care
Lauren

Hannie, you shouldn't be pleased to be 92 lbs..that's dangerously underweight, and whether you'd like to admit it or not, you NEED help, no matter what doctors say. MANY doctors are unqualified to diagnose EDs, let alone help someone with them. You may think that you've taken steps by writing to the centre, but you need to get help..you are slowly withering away to the point where you are going to reach the breaking point soon enough..your body has prolly already started shutting down by eating up your muscle and stopping periods...take a cue from your friend and get help. Talk to your mom, even if you think she ignores it or whatever..talk to your doctor, talk to somebody and PLEASE get help..

hey hannie! parties can be in a drag if u "overly" drink. lol, id kno...but im so glad u had that convo with ur friend. i do that all the time with my guy friends at parties..what the hell? im extremely open when im drunk...its kinda sad actually. i also turn to alchohol as a coping mechanism. well i used to..now i drink to have fun. but yah, i know what u mean..its a scary thought. booze is just as bad.

listen hun, girly is rite...92 lbs? im 14 5'2 and i weigh 105-107. and im still gainin. that is extremely underweight...i really would advice u to see a doc or someone. u can do it hun! :)

Hey,
Right- the thing is.... yeh ok, I can admit that Im scared of gaining weight and im scared of eating, and yes I have an eating problem. I aint a clue if I really really do have an ED but soon ill no.
But for now, I dont feel underweight - I dont look underweight. I honestly dont, you're all going to have to trust me on this one. Ive never been over 100lbs in my life, ED or no ED and so to tell you the truth I really dont think im doing much harm to my body.
I missed my period 'sorta' a week back, but it came very mildly, like for a day or so and it wasnt heavy. I really dont feel like im at a point where im doing loadsa loadsa damage to myself. I guess at times im unhappy and I feel alone and have seriously thought of self harm, but I can pull myself away from it, Im not taken over. plus I dont know who I would be or what I would do without my eating problem, it keeps me going - it sounds wierd but it does.
I dunno - my friend is trying so hard to help me, and its comforting and I appreciate it alot, but I dont know if I want to stop, it gets me down alot, but it keeps me up as well.
So for the time being, I dunno, I guess im not too botherd. I dunno - maybe I am or I wouldnt be on here posting everyday but, I just want to keep it. Does anyone understand? Im sorry for being very forward. im a lil stressed
I hope everyone is ok, keep me posted.

X Hannie x

The thing is, your past isn't necessarily an indicator of what weight you should be now. During your teens, especially early on, you tend to gain weight so that you can mature, even AFTER you first get your period. So just because you werent over 100 lbs before doesn't mean that you should stay that way now. You ARE doing damage to your body, and you dont need to feel it before you believe it. Realize that you ARE, and that you do need help. You clearly do have an ED, though I'm no doctor, I will be willing to bet anything that a qualified speicialist will say the same thing.

That's the problem with the ED- you think it's all you have and that it keeps you going. You have to realize that this isn't normal, and that you do have a life outside of it. The ED is not you and you are not it. It's great that you post here for support, but we can't help you take action physically. We all understand what youre going through, and we all understand the fear of gaining weight- we're all afraid (sorry everyone- I'm generalizing!)...but don't you think that we wouldn't be on here telling you to get help if recovery was so horrible? Like if all of us gained that little weight to be healthy, and gave up parts/all of our obsessions, and found that we couldn't cope and hated it and life just was horrible, don't you think that we wouldn't be sitting here, telling others they should go through it?

I understand that you don't feel 'ready' for recovery, but I think you should try to talk yourself into it..whether this means reading posts here, or asking lots of questions, or writing things down, or whatever. You DO need help Hannie! Just look at all the people who have posted to you just saying you do, even if they don't know you at all...

Oh Hannie. I remember when i was at your stage. Its all like a game at first. Seeing just "how low you can go"... and then it hits you. Its not a game anymore, its your life, your obsession. It takes over you and when you realize what is happening and you want to let it go, its too late because you no longer have it in your hands, you are in its hands.. and the grip is tight. You are in the romance of your ED right now and it looks sooo beautful. But hun, LIFE is beautiful. Eating out with freinds and family and enjoying yourself, laughing, smiling, loving and being loved is happiness. I can keep going but i know that most of this stuff i am telling you is probably stuff you have heard before and unfortunatly untill you experience the pain of this disease yourself, you will not want to give it up. I will keep you in my prayers, but please, dont dismiss what you hear from us because we have all been where you are and know what is comming. I am here if you want to talk more! Take care of yourself and God bless you.

Hannie - it made me feel sad that you were excited about starving although I understand why you feel happy, been there for years. You keep saying you don't know if you have ED or not - I am only an expert for myself but the way you talk in your posts about eating or your lack of eating sounds like someone with ED. You can have an ED and weigh 75lbs or you can have an ED and weigh 300 pounds - its not the weight that determines ED its how you think and feel about food, how you deal with problems, and what you think about your self image. You said you "just want to keep it" what is it that you want to keep and why? thinking of you...:)

Gosh, its so kind of you all to be concernd.
Though reading all these posts to me, scare me a little.
Its not like I want to die.... who does want to die?
But Its like I just dont want to stop starving or loosing weight either, the thought of doing so much damage to myself and having so many problems in the future really scares me, but however much I seem to understand that, I still cant stop. I soon am getting help. I just dunno? There are so many thoughts rushing around my head like..... im doing so much damage to myself. but i dont look underweight, i dont look 92lbs I want to be skinnier, but oh I could become so far into an ED that I could really hurt myself.

I dont mean to sound silly or selfish in my posts. Im just so confused at the moment that I dont know what to think in my head. I know you are all trying to help me, and you really dont know how grateful I am to all of you. I can really talk to you all, i mean, I can talk to my boyfriend...he knows about it, but I cant open up to him, i feel embarassed. But I can always talk on these boards.
Thanks so much for listening and helping

XXXX HANNIE XXXX

hannie - you don't sound silly or selfish - you sound confused!!! that is why it is really good to go and talk to someone face to face so they can see YOU!! And I don't mean just your body but to see you, your expression or lack of it. 92 lbs is pretty tiny my friend. If you can't stop alone it is time to at least see what's going on with your body. I don't think any of us would want you to get to the point where you were dangerously ill or had to be hospitalized - just because you go and check it out doesn't mean you HAVE to change anything - it really is your choice. At least you'll have more information on what to base your decision on. And even with all the information you may still choose ED - many of us have and do - and lots of us go back and forth. please don't be embarrassed :)

yes hannie, listen to what the gurls have to say..they are SOO correct.