I was thinking today, and I am not even sure why I am bulimic anymore. It makes no sense to have my life revolve around something so harmful, and to not even know why!! Does anybody else feel like this?!!

I remember I was 135, and unhappy with my weight, and I would think to myself how great it would be to get back down to 125. Therein began my relapse. So i got down to 125, then 120, and felt great about it, but I never stopped purging. I went to the doctors the other day (gyno) b/c I haven't had a period for about 7 months, and I'm 20. Being 5'5'' and now 115, she said I should gain weight so I can have more fat to produce hormones (I lied and told her I'm still "recovered). But it's not just my doctor saying i need to put on weight.
My boyfriend, who has been so supportive, would die for me to gain a few pounds.
My mom and dad think I'd look better heavier. My friends comment that too....
My brother and his friends complain that I'm too skinny, I've lost my "curves" they say (they don't even know about my ED).

So i just don't get it! I'm purging, starving, exercising to get skinnier, but that's not what i need to be, and I know it, how can all of these people be lying? I am still taking fat loss pills, ahh why?! I somehow justify it to myself that they all are "just saying that" to be nice or something, i dont know, but It's just so confusing, why do i keep trying to get skinnier?!

Sorry this post got so long!! I just needed to vent and get my thoughts out in writing! I just want to know if anyone else "knows" they are skinny enough and should stop, but for some reason justify that they should keep the ED.
best wishes to you all :) cricket

I completely hear what you are saying. For a minute there it sounded like you were inside my brain. I know damn well that I am skinny enough, yet I don't stop. I go into "recovery" and then I start slipping, and you go through that period where you don't care, it's no big deal, I can stop, etc. Then it gets out of hand.
Why do I do this to myself? I don't know. As a distraction? Something else to focus on instead of other more painful or stressful things? What those things are I don't know. Maybe it's a fear to lose the ED because it is such a control thing, or a big part of me. Why does it matter so much? Who cares if it is one or two pounds above your normal weight? I mean, in the grand scheme of things, that's not that much. But to me it's of course the end of the world.
I think that's where the part about an ED being a kind of addiction comes into play. I think there's a point where it is almost chemical. Like a "disease" like alcoholism or drug use. The need to lose more and more weight to get that same kind of "high". It's scary but I believe it's true.
The long and the short of it is that I can totally relate to what you are saying.
Take care
Lauren

That is a question I think probably everyone with an ED has asked themselves. I read an interesting article in a local newspaper the other day about ED's being linked to an imbalance in brain chemistry. They believe the part of the brain that has to do with reward and reinforcement may be damaged or have a chemical imbalance resulting in an ED. That's the reason people with ED's just continue to lose weight wanting to be thinner and thinner but yet don't ever become satisfied with themselves. However that may be the reason to blame for some people with ED's but not all because alot of people with ED's fully recover from them and if a chemical imbalance in the brain were to blame I don't think "full" recovery would be possible. There is so much to know yet about ED's. That is why I'm studying psychology and working toward a master's degree. I plan to work with people with ED's because I can relate. I've been in recovery for awhile now and am ALOT better than what I used to be. I still struggle at times but I feel like I'm making more and more progress all the time. It's so hard I know, but your b/f, parents, and your friends are right. You do need to gain. They aren't just saying that....they mean it because they love you and are worried about you. My b/f, friends, and family all used to tell me the same thing. I was in denial first too and didn't want to believe them because I thought I looked good but something came over me one day that made me realize they were right and I didn't look good and was very unhealthy. I began recovery that day. I'm 5'1" and went down to near 90 pounds. I was like you...I weighed 115 right after I had my daughter then I wanted to get down to 110...then 105...then 100...then 95...and so on. It just never stopped! I was never happy with myself no matter what. But now that I'm in recovery I'm learning to love and accept myself as I am. That is the key to truly being happy with who you are and with your body. I now take very good care of my body because I believe your body is the temple of your soul and you should love it and cherish it. I eat healthy and get the nutrients my body needs, but I'm also an ice cream and chocolate lover so I don't deny myself those kind of foods either because they are pleasurable...good for the mind :) . I practice yoga several times a week which helps me to relax and also tones my muscles and plus I just love doing it. That is the important thing with exercise...you have to like it! It shouldn't be something you have to push yourself to do or it feels like "work" or an obligation...it shouldn't feel like that. I'm reading a book right now entitled "Bodylove". It's really good and I would definently recommend it. I wish all of you the best of luck and just hang in there ok? I know this is hard!

I was thinking today, and I am not even sure why I am bulimic anymore. It makes no sense to have my life revolve around something so harmful, and to not even know why!! Does anybody else feel like this?!!

I remember I was 135, and unhappy with my weight, and I would think to myself how great it would be to get back down to 125. Therein began my relapse. So i got down to 125, then 120, and felt great about it, but I never stopped purging. I went to the doctors the other day (gyno) b/c I haven't had a period for about 7 months, and I'm 20. Being 5'5'' and now 115, she said I should gain weight so I can have more fat to produce hormones (I lied and told her I'm still "recovered). But it's not just my doctor saying i need to put on weight.
My boyfriend, who has been so supportive, would die for me to gain a few pounds.
My mom and dad think I'd look better heavier. My friends comment that too....
My brother and his friends complain that I'm too skinny, I've lost my "curves" they say (they don't even know about my ED).

So i just don't get it! I'm purging, starving, exercising to get skinnier, but that's not what i need to be, and I know it, how can all of these people be lying? I am still taking fat loss pills, ahh why?! I somehow justify it to myself that they all are "just saying that" to be nice or something, i dont know, but It's just so confusing, why do i keep trying to get skinnier?!

Sorry this post got so long!! I just needed to vent and get my thoughts out in writing! I just want to know if anyone else "knows" they are skinny enough and should stop, but for some reason justify that they should keep the ED.
best wishes to you all :) cricket

For me, it was my stomach. I once weighed 120lbs, I'm 5'6'. That wasn't skinny enough for me, though. So I just kept overexercising and starving myself, because all I could see when I looked in the mirror was my stomach sticking out. That was a couple years ago. Fortunately, my body image issues are now much better, but I still obsess, just not as much. Also, I know I still don't eat enough.

Im the same way....my life was fine. yes i was fat, i ate, lacked confidence in myself but i was happy until grade 7. i wanted to lose weight. so thats how it started. but i feel so guilty. most of u guys have horrible events happen to ur life and i honestly dont have one and i feel so bad to why am i doing this to myself if my life is fine? i have lots of friends, i do well in school, i have many talents, my fam rules, my mom is my best friend, i get told im pretty all the time, i have a b/f, i no longer think im fat nemore, i know i need to gain, but yet i still do this???!

Why!!

You are not alone - I think we all think everyday about our ED's and say " WHAT THE HELL??". I always think that sitting by the toilet wanting to throw up whatever miniscule morsel I have allowed myself to eat. The purging and restricting takes the place of whatever we feel we are missing in our lives, it is a comfort to us, it is something that never lets us down theoretically ( I know it sounds sick and twisted IT IS). I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. Recognizing that our thinking is skewed is a good start and then use the people you have told as reality checks. I wish you felt like you could trust your doctor instead of lie. lying is what ED wants you to do everytime we lie we "feed the beast". thinking of you :)

I think we do it to be in control. For me my ED started for the same reasons everyone else started, low self esteem, being an overweight child and tease etc. But then once I had reached my goal and even became underweight I felt like I needed to be in control. I guess we all deal with life in different ways and I was in a situation where I had no control over certain issues in my life so I turned to my ED. I know how you feel, I remember my mom and my best friend crying over how thin I was and how sad they were that I would deprive myself of so much but in my mind I was being "strong" in my mind not eating was a great accomplishment.
I think we all have our reasons and for what it's worth nobody has an ED just to get attention. There are always underlying factors.

I think about this all the time. I don't even fully understand why. I've actually never really seen it as a control issue but more as an identity. Lately, I've been reading "a purpose driven life" and it is totally changing my life, by the way, but coming to realize that my identity isn't here, on earth, but after my body leaves this earth. It's like I know that intellectually but to surrender myself and trust completely is so hard because I still worry about gaining weight. Its so weird because I want so much to be married and have babies someday, but I know that most guys don't want skinny women. I am 5'8 and even when I weiged 87 I felt that I should be skinnier because that would get me more attention, even though I know It wouldn't be positive attention, but more like the "oh, Morgan, please gain weight, we care so much, we don't want you to die, blah blah blah", But it was attention and I desperately sought it out. It was also a time issue, boredom. I would starve and starve or spend hours minutely mincing my veggies and then eat each piece one at a time just to fill my day. Or I would binge and purge til I threw up stomach acid, sometimes 3 times/day. Exercise for hours and all this for what????!!!! What really was my ultimate goal. i think I truly forgot about wanting to be thin and it all just became lifestyle. I guess that why I struggle so much now because I have to make a complete lifestyle change. Anyway, sorry this got so long.

Morg

I have a lot of guilt about being bulimic...I beat myself up about not being able to stop. I think I SHOULD be able to stop, if I had the will power. And I don't know why I am bulimic anymore, either. I doesn't make me happy anymore. It is ruining my health. It is ruining my social life. It is ruining my college life. It makes me hate myself.
So WHY DO IT DO IT??....Because it's an ADDICTION. I believe that with all my heart. Sometimes, when I want to binge but try so hard not to, I lay on my bed and cry and roll around and scream. Sounds crazy, but it is just like I am going through a drug withdrawl. I think Bulimics and Drug addicts have lot in common. Food is a drug to me, except, unfortuantely, it is one drug I can't life without. This may sound strange, but I sort of wish I was drug addict instead of a food addict...atleast that way, if I recovered I could stay away from my drug. But us bulimics will never ever be able to stay away from our drug of choice.

Yeah, I know exactly how you feel. We need food to survive, so there's no getting around it. I've been bulimic and anorexic all my life, I'm 35. I think that even anorexia can be compared to a drug addict-type situation. I know that when I starve myself, I get some kind of sick "high" from it. It's so sad.

Wow, well it is good to see that i am DEFINATELY not alone! Here i was not thinkin anyone was even going to respond or relate to what i was ranting about! If i were to try to talk about this with anyone of my friends or family they would most definately not understand.

Lauren: I'm glad that you can relate with me. And I can relate to you relating to me!! :) if that makes sense! I love reading all of the posts people put up that I connect with, I'm relieved to see that some you can truely relate to mine! I know the "high" you are talking about. Sometimes i feel like all is right in the world after a purge. Like i have righted all that is wrong. It definately must be something chemical, because that is sure not a normal, healthy thought process!!!

Piscean: Your thoughts and feedback were truely motivating and inspirational. I will definately have to go and check out that Bodylove book you were talking about! It's good to hear someone who went through a struggle similar to mine and came out as well as you did! I fear for what will happen to me when i have kids someday...how will i handle the weight gain from pregnancy?! A long ways off, yet still worries my mind. Maybe eventually I can enjoy my guilty pleasures (chocolate!) and not feel so guilty about them too!

It was also a time issue, boredom. I would starve and starve or spend hours minutely mincing my veggies and then eat each piece one at a time just to fill my day. Morgan I know what you mean. My binging and purging has gotten soooo much worse over summer vacation just because I have had less to do. I went from dorm, sorority, and out of state college life to a slow summer in my home town. No school, and busy friends and family. I dont know if I am secretly calling for attention or what (even if it is negative like you said), but i do know that whenever I am alone and bored, i turn to three things: food, purging, and exercise. What a terrible cycle!!!
most of u guys have horrible events happen to ur life and i honestly dont have one and i feel so bad to why am i doing this to myself if my life is fine? Sammy, I feel guilty all the time for the exact same reason. Boys always liked me, i always had friends and a loving family, got good grades, rode horses, was on the volleyball team, played the piano....blah blah blah. Anyways what i'm saying is, i feel dumb too for not being able to pin-point why i started this. We all put so much pressure on ourselves, and maybe it doesnt always take something traumatic for this all to start...or maybe it's something we've blocked out and suppressed. I think finding out may be one of the keys to full recovery.

Maggie: You are right, I make myself feel like food and purging are the only things in life that will not let me down...and (again you are right) it is twisted!

....nobody has an ED just to get attention. There are always underlying factors. Amen sumi. my ED is definately beyond JUST a cry for attention, although I think our own guilt sinks in to make us think so.

another thing i noticed:
I think Bulimics and Drug addicts have lot in common. .
They say that people with ED's are highly more likely to develop alcoholism. I wouldnt doubt if the coreelation was the same with drug abuse. Makes sense doesnt it? The addictive traits we have and all....


I always looked at my ED as weird because it wasn't about looking better or being more attractive, which is what I always thought everyone else with an ED was striving for. Boy was I wrong!
What I think it comes down to is that my ED has become such a big part of my life and helps me identify myself with who i am (sad, but true)...that without my ED i feel like I'll have nothing. I've never been able to picture myself without it, nor do i feel like i want to, even though i know i should. Maybe I'm afraid of confronting my "real self" that is underneath all this preoccupation with food and being skinny.

WoO that was long but i just wanted to let you guys know that i hear ALL of you and wish you the best. I truely do. :angel:
Thank you guys sooo much for all of your thoughts and responses!

i dunno how i use it to control things..what do i need t control? like i dont feel as if i have to be "controling"...its so weird. but maybe thats it, who knows..

sammy - the control I think they are taking about is very subtle - we all spend most of our days doing what is expected or what people tell us, parents, bosses, teachers etc. ED is a way of having something no one can do a damn thing about - they cannot control what we eat or don't eat, how much we eat or don't eat - whether we throw up or starve - does that make sense? I don't think most of us really look at it that way - a good friend once pointed that out to me.

Cricket - A lot of what fuels my ED's, aside from control, is anger and guilt feelings. I have a hard time expressing anger to those I care about, mostly my husband and my friends, sometimes my family, too. When I do express it, I feel guilty about it and I end up punishing myself for it through the ED's. But when I don't express the anger, I turn it (the anger) inward at myself, and maybe I even get angry at myself at that point for not sticking up for myself and letting it out. The key is to talk about those feelings instead of beating yourself up. I, however, need to do more practicing of what I'm preaching. :)

Kitty that is a good point. Sometimes i just don't feel like i deserve to have a say in anything, or that my feelings always take a back seat to everyone else's. If I'm angry it's not worth addressing I feel, like I shouldnt inconvinience anyone else with my anger or something. Maybe I shouldn't bottle up so much and perhaps that would help. It's so funny how many aspects of my life could be tied to my ED, i dont even know. Control? Feelings? Vanity? Attention? ahhhhhh