do i have to binge? and why, once i start, do i have to eat some (usually, A LOT) of EVERYTHING in the house until i am so full and feel like a can't really breathe and i'm hot and sweaty all over? do i think that'll make me happy? the food doesn't even taste that good. it ruins the next few days for me, because i feel like sh** and i look like i'm 4 months pregnant my stomach sticks out so far (because i can't purge). So, WHY DO I DO IT??? i honestly don't understand. i hate every minute of it, but once i start, it's like i have no control at all, and i have to just keep eating until i feel like i'm going to explode. it's so stupid!

so, welcome to my life right now. i was on a good spell (6 days binge-free!) and had had my first therapy appointment and was excited to start getting better. then, saturday night, i just decided to stuff myself so i could feel like crap. i wasn't even hungry or feeling tempted to binge or anything! why am i so dumb? it was 11:45, i was tired and ready to go to bed, proud of myself that i hadn't even felt like binging, so i decided to "prove" it to myself by showing myself that i could have a couple animal crackers before bed (just to test myself, i wasn't even craving them!). and away i went, stuffing myself with massive portions of EVERYTHING in the house. i couldn't stop till i'd had a good amount of it all and felt like i was going to die from eating too much. am i retarded??? and of course, i binged again last night (just as huge and bad as the first one) because i felt so bad about myself.

how do you stop a binge once it starts? i know ideally they wouldn't even start, but i need to learn to stop them once i'm already going.

also, i don't want to go to therapy today. i'm scared she's going to want me to eat more calories, and i don't think i can take it right now. i need to stop binging first. i'm currently eating around 1300, which i know isn't enough to maintain my weight, but i also know it's enough so i'm not starving myself and hurting my metabolism. sorry this is so long, i'm just feeling REALLY down and hopeless right now (which sucks because i was feeling so good last week). i just really hope my therapist doesn't try to make me take in more calories yet. i need to learn to cut this binging and then i can deal with that.

ugh, i wish i had never started this . . .

Oh, jonistyle1, I am so sorry! You and I are so much alike! Maybe what happened is something you can talk to your therapist about today. Also, remember that just because she might want you to increase your calories doesn't mean you have to. Don't be afraid to tell her you're not going to do it right now. You are in charge! (Although I do wonder if the low calorie intake is contributing to the bingeing.)

I have gone two weeks now without a binge, which is probably a record for me. I have been making myself eat filling meals including things I wouldn't normally eat like cheese, nuts, etc. and I make myself eat a dessert after lunch and dinner and I really think it's helped me feel fuller and I'm not deprived which might be the reason for the decrease in bingeing. (Of course I don't allow myself to snack between meals because that's one of my weird rules.) I do feel a lot of guilt for feeling full after a meal for some reason, like after I eat and I'm still hungry I felt like I was losing weight. But the weirdest thing is that last night after dinner I was watching tv and really felt like I wanted to start eating. I wasn't hungry at all, but when I realized I was able to resist the temptation I had this weird sad feeling like a part of me was missing. What is that? All I've wanted for 22 years is to resist a binge and now I'm sad about it?

I didn't mean to take over your thread thread with my problems. I can really feel your pain because I'm right there with you.

congratulations on your two weeks! that's amazing and it sounds like you're on a roll, girl! i always feel like the first days, week, etc. are the hardest to get through, but now you've got some momentum going and i think you're going to do great!

thanks for your reply, definitely. i know that you and i are fighting a similar battle, so it's nice to have someone who can empathize with what i do and how i feel. i'm definitely planning on talking to my therapist about what's going on with me right now, and hopefully we'll work something out that i feel comfortable with. After all, that's why i'm there, right?

i don't know if it's weird to ask, but could you share your meal plan with me? i'm feeling open to trying something new, so if it doesn't make you uncomfortable, i'd really like to see it. also, have you been able to stop counting calories? or are you just eating more, but still counting? like i said, i'm ready for anything that'll stop these binges, so if you wouldn't mind sharing what works for you, i'd love to see it. Anyway, huge congrats on the two weeks of freedom, and i'll know you'll keep it up! i'll keep you updated on the therapist developments.

I have completely stopped counting calories. I find that even if I allow myself 2000 calories I feel like I'm restricting myself and I binge. The main thing I'm doing is eating things at each meal that I would normally binge on so that I don't crave them later. This morning with my cereal I had some mixed nuts because I love them. With lunch I had some Swiss cheese on my sandwich and a few Pringles with my baked Ruffles. I also had two Pop-Tarts for dessert. I was really full afterward and I probably won't even be tempted to snack or pig-out on the Pop-Tarts before dinner. The way I see it, it's probably better to eat two (even though I know that one is a serving size) after lunch than to binge later and eat the entire box and who knows what else. I also know that I am going to have dessert after dinner, so I can look forward to that if I feel the urge to binge coming on.

Am I afraid I'm going to gain 200 lbs. eating like this? YES!!!!! But I'm at the point that I can no longer handle the emotional distress that goes along with this disorder or physical distress that results in my begging my husband to rush to the store to buy some Syrup of Ipecac so that I can throw up and get some relief. (He never has, by the way.)

Have you read any of Geneen Roth's books? She overcame binge eating by allowing herself to eat whatever she wanted. She says that in the beginning she would eat cookie dough and ice cream for dinner and ended up gaining 10 lbs, but eventually she got her body under control and because she was eating a more stable diet she lost weight.

I hope this gives you some "food" for thought :rolleyes: . Sorry, I couldn't resist the pun. I hope your therapy session goes well today! If you don't mind my asking what types of things does your therapist talk about. Is it about your childhood, self image, etc? I've considered going to one, but I'm not sure what they talk about.

Congratulations, you're amazing!! How did you just stop counting like that? I can't imagine doing it, even though that's what I want! I am so proud of you, I feel like I can't even express it! Really, how did you stop counting calories? I eat the same old breakfast and lunch everyday, so I don't even know where I'd start to stop counting.

In terms of the therapist, I'm not sure what we talk about really, because I've only had my first appointment. I basically told her my history (which took awhile, since, in case you can't tell from the length of my average post, I tend to talk a LOT) and then she did ask some questions about my childhood and things like that. I think I'll know better what goes on in the session after today. She did say that we work out "goals" each week and then I follow them, etc. and we discuss it the next week. I have no idea what types of "goals" these are, however. (eat more but count, no counting, stop a binge earlier on, run around naked and laugh . . . I really don't know!) I'm really excited/anxious to go though. I just really don't know where to start to end this cycle (eat more, don't count, don't count one meal, eat a piece of cheesecake once a week to prove to myself I can . . . I'm lost!!)

I'll let you know more after I see her today, and I think I'll look for some of those Geneen Roth books at the library. Thanks for the update and huge congrats again!

Joni first take a slow huge deep breath - you are doing great!! honestly recognizing you have ED in the first place is a HUGE DEAL. No one expects you to be perfect - none of us anyway and neither does your new therapist. He or SHe knows that overcoming ED is a tremendous amount of work. THey will probably ask you about what happens before you binge, what are you thinking about, how you feel after, during, those kinds of things. If you find the goals they want to set too hard - speak up girl and tell them. I am a social worker and I also have a therapist for my ED ( how insane is that). Don't be too scared to go to therapy - its the perfect place to be when you feel out of control or scared or anything else that has to do with ED and how you feel about yourself. Let her know when you walk in that " I AM HAVING A CRAPPY DAY< WEEK< HOUR OR WHATEVER. Love Ya Joni - it will be ok I promise :)

I should start by saying you should be very proud of yourself for getting professional help. It's a hard thing to do! As far as not counting calories, I'm just at a point where I'm burned out on it - if that makes sense. In a way I feel like I've given up on myself and who cares if I gain a bunch of weight. At least I'm eating what I want. Good luck with your therapist today!

thanks both of you for your kind words. chachade, i know what you mean about feeling totally burned out. i'm near the point where i just want to "give up," but i can't even identify what i want to give up on. counting, restricting? then i'd just binge a lot. binging? then i'd just restrict a lot. caring? i've pretty much given up caring, but i just can't shake the desire to be thin and control everything. that's why i think i need professional help. i'm TOTALLY ready to dump this thing, i just don't know where to begin.

my therapy session yesterday went well. we talked a lot about what's been going on in terms of my eating/binging, but also a lot about how my life is going right now. she thinks i might be depressed (which sucks, because before this, i was such a happy, go with the flow girl!!). anyway, for now i'm not changing anything in my diet (which i'm SUPER relieved about . . . after 2 terrible binge days, i can't imagine having to break from my structured eating plan). i'm going to work on some tactics to avoid binging if i feel the urge. she suggested things that are relaxing but also engage your mind. for me, i'm thinking, playing the piano for a set length of time (that has ALWAYS calmed me down, probably because it requires so much focus, but it also produces beautiful, calming music). Other things she suggested (because I figure they can help anyone else as much as they can help me): doing a puzzle, taking a shower, taking a walk, petting the cat (if you have one), coloring in a coloring book (crazy, but she said it works!), doing little arts and crafts types projects, sewing, reading (although it might be too passive of an activity if you're not really into the book). So, there's some ideas if anyone needs them! Also, if i do binge, i'm supposed to set and alarm clock for 30 min. and binge freely until then and then STOP. i don't know if it'll work, but i'm willing to try. she said the goal is to get out of the hypnotic state of binging (at least that's how it is for me . . . i really can't think straight when i'm binging) and be able to observe myself, because that's the only way i'll be able to understand and beat it.

anyway, this post just got way too long, but i figured i'd share anything i learned, so you all can use it too if you need too. good luck to everyone!

hey your post isnt too long I found myself happy for you and all the good ideas you got from your shrink :) The alarm idea is fantastic because it doesn't force you too immediately stop bingeing, it does have you identify oh wow here I go and I can only do this for 30 minutes. ( setting boundaries) I'll be very interested in how that goes for you . Lots of luck!!

I havent been to a therapist in awhile, but my best friend had recently seen a really good one in LA and she passed on some of her gained knowledge to me.

One thing that has always stuck in my mind in regards to binging is that "a slip doesnt have to be a slide". So if you slip and start eating those animal cookies and think "crap, i've blown it"....just know and tell yourself that you don't have to take that next step and slide into an all out binge. To people who have a problem binging, myself included, we see it as we can either have no animal cookies at all, or we can have the animal cookies along with everything else in the pantry. There is no happy medium for us sometimes. There is no slip where we can have "just animal cookies".
Obviously, it's easier said than done, and I cannot always practice what I preach, but just tell yourself that! "A slip, doesn't have to be a slide" :bouncing:

Cricket_22 - That is such good avice, I never thought of it that way.

thanks, cricket. that's really good advice. i know i think that logically in my head, but once that one animal cookie goes in, all thoughts of logic seem to fly out the window. maybe if i tried to consciously stop, leave the kitchen and say out loud, "a slip doesn't have to be a slide." maybe then i could realize it, and instead of thinking "wow, i started a BINGE but stopped it," i could think "oops, i had a little SLIP." that seems like a more positive way to view it, more proactive than retroactive, or something. i could even write in my food journal "slip" instead of writing "started binging, ate . .. . but stopped." a slip just sounds better i guess and it doesn't make me feel as much guilt. thanks so much for the suggestion, i'm definitely ready to load up as much ammunition against this thing as i can!