I'll be 18 years old in a month, I'm 5'8" and weigh 170 pounds. I feel digusted with myself. I used to weigh around 125 pounds, but even then, I felt sick at the sight of any fat. I see girls on Tv, in movies, and I wish I could be that skinny. I know this may sound disturbing, but I think I need help and I don't know where to go. I want to see my rib cage, and count each one, as if they are rewards. I feel so guilty everytime I eat anything. I don't want to be stick thin for any social reasons, it's just I hate feeling like this, looking like this. I just need someone to talk to about this. Before I use to starve myself, I don't know why exactly. I think it might have been a type of SI on myself. Thanks for reading this.

First off, welcome to these boards! they are a great place to let everything out and ask for advice. everyone is here to listen so don't ever feel embarrassed to say anything!

I would suggest going to a therapist to talk about your feelings. These feelings can quickly take control of your life, and all of the sudden you're unable to think of anything else and thoughts of eating/not eating/body image control EVERY action you take. Letting your feelings out to someone who knows more about them is a good way to start healing and explaining why you feel that way. Good luck and keep coming here!

o hun...i feel for ur pain. but really u dont come to these boards to "become" ill...no no. ur rite, that is disturbing how u want to count ur ribs..i was like that once. its horrible. its not worth it. hun, go see a counsellor or talk to someone rite away...ur on ur way to a living hell if u keep this up. u dont wanna be trapped inside sumthing that isnt even u. ur health with become low. its liek a slow suicide. never mind the girls on the media...they pay millions for persoanl trainers, special cooks, whatnot. they do that for a living,....and megazines? pfft...airbrushed majorly. i learned that ages ago.

u cannot keep this up. see a doc, maybe ur on ur way to depression which is never good.

i hope i helped....

First I don't think you need worry about saying anything disturbing - there probably isn't much you could say that everyone here hasn't thought about or done when it comes to eating disorders. Have you had an ED before - it sounds like some of your thinking is ED like, the skinny ribs etc thing. Did you gain weight because of over eating, or have you been bingeing or what?

I think I did used to be anerexic. But then I made great friends and now have a wonderful boyfriend. I used to be able to see my ribs. And now I miss that.

You need money to see a therapist, money I don't have.

And I do believe I have depression, which doesn't help. But the thing is, I want to be thin, but not because of the media. I want to be small, to maybe hide easier. I feel so clumsy all the time, huge and messy. Even when just sitting.

I've never thrown up though. I just don't eat, well, used to not eat. But I'm afraid I won't eat again.

I want to lose weight, but I don't know how, short of starving myself.

I don't know exactly how I gained weight. Maybe it's because I was homeschooled this year, so I don't walk around as much. Or because I don't have sex as much. I think I heard this was a way to exercise. And the reason for not as much sex is because maybe the excitement isn't there as much as it was in the beginning. Which is okay. It happens to all relationships, so I don't think that is serious.

some cities and/or towns offer low cost or no cost counseling for people who need help, have you tried looking around or maybe you aren't ready for that quite yet. Do you have anyone you can REALLY talk to about what's going on inside as far as food and trying to be small - this is one thing I wish for at times - to be invisible so no one can see me. The sad thing is the skinnier we get or the more eating disordered we get the more people do see us they can't help but notice that something is wrong with this person. DO you have a regular doc you see - many of them have dietary recommendations they can give you with like sample menus and such if that would help. Im probably not a lot of help. Im sorry you are suffering, really.

i take it ur not from canada...hm. well maggie is rite, there are prolly sum low or no cost counselling around...wat about ur rents? if u told them maybe they can help/

My mom has enough stuff on her mind to worry about, believe me. But I guess I could loook into that stuff myself. And you're right. I live in Missouri, U.S.A.

if nothing else, you can probably find a free support group where you can meet and talk to others girls with ED. also, are you still under your parents insurance? if you go to a therapist, you'd probably be covered (maybe just a little co-pay of like $10) and you might not even have to tell your parents. good luck and really try to get help. it's definitely worth it to try to get healthier before things get worse.

That's true. I think I'd rather talk to other people who've gone through it anyway. Thank you.

no problem :)