Im on the verge of just complete breakdown crying and shouting and loosing my temper, im so angry.!!!!
Today I went for a picnic with my friends, and I even brought a big cake along, my mum was cross last night - accusing me of not eating - so today I ate - I ate cakes and sweets and crisps and drank lemonade and loadsa other things - all the things I had been avoiding for months and months. I felt awful but I let it wash over me thinking that mum would be happy. Anyways I arranged to meet up with my friends tonight to watch a film at one of there houses, normally they get pizza and ice cream but i dunno if we are going to do that tonight or not! Then I told my mum and she said, I dont believe that you are having pizzas and I want you to have something before you go. Im ment to be going in 30 mins and I feel huge and bloated and sick from all the stuff I ate this morning. Mum tried to force feed me fish and chips and so I reluctantly made myself some pasta. Now I feel so physically bloated and sick its unbelieveable, my urge to purge is huge but I just cant!!!!!!!!! The worst of it all my mum turned to me and said, ' I wont let you out when all you have eaten is a little bit of cake!!!!!!' I CANT BELIEVE IT!!!!!! even sitting here typing it makes me cry!!!! I TOLD THE TRUTH TO HER! I ate tonnes and tonnes I honestly did!!!!!! if I lie to her she shouts at me ..... if I tell the truth she shouts at me!!!! what do I do, im so upset there is nothing I can do! I might as well have not eaten today at the picnic and still the same would have happened! Ive been avoiding cakes and sweets and crisps but I ate them to make her happy and still she force feeds me pasta and tells me I havent eaten what ive told her ive eaten!!!!!!!! I feel sooooooo sick!
Im so sorry I need to rant. Im so angry, im so annoyed I JUST CANT TAKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im in a hole, I cant get out, and when she says stuff like that it pushes me further and further deeper and deeper down the hole! There's worse more, she's home for 6 weeks on friday meaning that she'll be monitoring my eating for 6 weeks! I cant do it I cant! I cant have her sitting beside me all the time like a child! Im not a child that needs to be spoonfed! Im so upset, please write I cant do this any more!

X Hannie X

sweetheart, i'm so sorry. take a minute, lay on your bed, close your eyes and relax. try some deep breathing. i know this is frustrating and hard, but you have to know that you did a good thing today.

just try for a minute to look at your mom's perspective. she's not trying to hurt you, but from her side of things, she probably has no reason to believe that you're telling the truth. if you've lied to her before, why would she think you're not lying now? (i know it's frustrating to look at it from that side, but i guarantee that's what's going on.) she just wants the best for you, and you have to trust that this will all get better. my suggestion is to let it go for today. you don't have to eat at your friends house, and in an hour or two i promise you won't feel so full. don't fight with your mom now, because she'll just see it as you being defensive, giving her more reasons to think you're not telling her the truth.

but tomorrow, i think you really need to talk to her (calmly). you need to explain what happened today, tell her what and why you ate (which is fantastic, by the way!), and why you became so upset. you need to work on establishing a relationship of trust where if she asks you if you ate and you say yes, she believes you and it ends there. however, the other side is, if you haven't eaten, you have to be honest and tell her. i know it's hard, but you just have to work on getting her to trust you as an adult, and the more open your dialogue can be, the easier your relationship will be.

good luck, dear. this is a really crappy day, so just throw a hairbrush at the wall, crack up at yourself, and move on. (easier said than done, i know) Tomorrow will be better!!

Yeah, Joni has it right. Everything is crazy right in the middle of a fight.. neither you nor your mom was thinking straight. It's really important to sit down much later after you are both calm and to try and discuss this calmly. Parents can be difficult, I guess. It's hard to watch the person they love most in the world (that's you!) hurt themselves and they have to just stand by and watch. And even when you are trying to recover, it's hard for them to know what to do to help you. Force you to eat? Call you out when you are lying? Let it go and trust that you know what you need to get better? It's really confusing for them, especially when they probably don't understand your disease in the first place. Do you have a therapist? I think it would be really important for you to have one and to go to family therapy as well. Then your mother can learn the best ways to help you and you guys can work together to fight your ED instead of fighting with each other. We can't fight this disease alone.

I agree - we have all probably lied so often about our various ED's that the people who love and care for us are completely skeptical - can't blame them. Your mom is probably just reactive - she loves you and cares about you (if she didn't she wouldn't give you s*** about not eating) she probably has no idea how to help so in her mind "making" you eat fixes it. If she is going to be home for 6 weeks with you maybe you should talk to her and make some kind of agreement, maybe you could try to sit and have a small meal with her and let her see that you are trying to eat. That maybe really hard but it sounds like a baby step in her direction might allow her to be more rational as well.... good luck Hannie - sorry you are so stressed

hey hun...im so sorry. u stay strong cuz u know u can. but i agree with the other gurls...i have lied about my ed so many times its not even funny. and i dont blame ur mom. i mean,. she loves u, she cares for u and she jus twants u to be healthy. forcing u to eat is by doubt not the way to do it, but its the only way she knows how. i suggest u talk to her. tell her what shes doing is pissing u off and making things worse...tell her u just need her love, her guidance....not her SHOVE SHOVE EAT EAT ways...u kno? just tell her how u feel then maybe she;ll liten up. and have ur friends tell her that u ate maybe....that mite get her off ur case?

im to expert but i hope i helped :)

Thanks guys for your surport, ive calmed down alot today, i was just so annoyed yesterday. I know my mum is trying to help, and I know she cares, its just the fact that I really did eat - much to my disaprovel of myself, and it made no difference with her shouting. I understand what you mean about making an agreement with her, so that I can gain a bit of trust - ya know, that is what I want, its just hard to talk to her about it, i know she'll get upset and I dont know where to begin or what to say.
It just frustrates me when she makes tea at night and ill eat it in the other room and come back in, and my whole family will turn around and look at my plate to make sure ive eaten it all, i feel under pressure - at any opportunity they can they will give me something to eat. My mum even pours milk on my cereal before I come down in the morning so I cant sneak it back into the packet.
And its just so frustrating being upstairs and hearing my mum talking behind my back about me not eating to my brother - she cant even talk to me about it - she hasnt tried - yet she'll be open about it to my bro. Then when my dad is home for lunch with me, he'll make comments like - im making dinner - i know you, if I turn my back you'll only eat a bit! and give me funny looks. I hate it! I already hate people looking at me and judging me I cant take it from my family.

Thanks for your surport

lotsalv

X Hannie X