i dont know...i was being strong, i was trying to do good. But i think it was more in my mind than anything else. I hate it, the more i try to succeed the harder i fall, I can't take it anymore....i think that i should just go. so take care....i guess i will stop in from time to time, but i just feel like more of a burden than a help....im sorry

Hey wait - YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN. ALL of us are just struggling so much this last week as indicated by the posts we read and all posted to. I wish I had a magic wand for all us - can this suck anymore than it does. I'm sorry you feel like a burden - I don't see it that way - you never know when what you say - even a single word - will help someone feel like they can make it through another minute or even an hour. Even when we are in our own deepest despair we seem to be able to muster up a little kindness to offer someone else here in these boards. Please reconsider. I care about you and I don't think you are a burden - EVER

We all come here for help, and to help others. There is a lot to be said for helping, or trying, to help others. Maybe I won't be able to beat my disease, but if I can help someone else beat theirs or atleast help them deal with it better, then I don't feel like I am suffering in vain. WE ALL UNDERSTAND what you are going through...no one can completely understand because all of our situations are different, but we are all more alike than different, I believe.
If you want to talk, drop me a message. You will never be a burden, in fact you may be able to help me.

thank you both. You have no idea how much that means to me. I guess this past week has just been so many changes for me. Everything is like coming out from under me or something, I've been weak, and I've been vulnerable. I feel like I've just been whinning and complaining about my simple little problems n my simple little life and I should be helping everyone else out. Ya know. Im the one that's supposed to listen, and I'm the one thats supposed to support, not the one thats supposed to break down and whine. I just feel bad you know....maybe u dont, maybe im the weird one.....I think im just losin my minnd......


ANYWAYS, how are you doing? Is everything goin okay. Please take care, always keep your head up

Hi cryingskys, you must be posting the same time as me.

I am doing OK. I have gone two days without binging or puring. I am feeling pretty proud. But only 3 days ago I was at rock bottom...couldn't get out of bed, certain I was having a heart attack. I have really bad days and just plain bad days!
I feel like i am losing my mind a lot too, so you aren't alone. But you are sane enough to write out your feeling on this board so you can't have really lost it.... ;)

Would you like to share you story with me? I don't think I have ever talked to you before or hear your situation..
Best of luck
Natasha

One thing that all of us with ED have in common is our desire to helpful to others and to somehow make others lives happier or better, we seem to invest a lot of time in others - if only we could learn to care about ourselves as much..for me like you cryingskys I don't think it is possible I too feel like it is my responsibility to be strong for everyone else, to give and give and give to the point where I break down because there is nothing left and yet I yearn for others to feel loved and comforted. I don't know I probably sound weird too...Natasha good for you!!! All we can do is keep trying - step forward two back step forward one back - its going to be alright :)

hunny, ur not a burden. ur a life, ur a strong girl, ur a poweful powerful human, u got potential, u will beat this, ur wonderwoman! :) we all go up then up then fall down, but we ALWAYS get back up. and once we're up we go up until we concered our fears and stay up. remember, its like "practise makes perfect" no matter how long it takes.

I can completely understand u maggie, I am the same way I give until I cant even stand up anymore and I am so drained and just feel like im going to break in half at any minute and if someone calls and asks me for a hand i do it, i will give that last ounce of energy i have and i still will feel ike its not good enough, or not enough you know. But ur right, we all are here because we all do have something in common, we all do struggle. I just recently have started to build a relationship with my father, I never knew how angry I was because we didnt have that. I never knew how hurt I was I didnt talk to him, and how hurt I was that "he didnt love me"(or so I thought) and now that im back talking to him, I go stay with him every weekend, I'm 20 years old, and I have no stayed with him since I was 13, I've lost 7 years of my Dad because of the anger I have over nothing. And now that ive finally got to know my step mom I know she isn't bad at all, shes an amazing woman, and very trustworthy and nice. And she deserved my respect from the first moment my dad brought her into our lives. I've got to be around my grandma so much more and shes the most important person in my life, I love her more than anything, she is my rock, she really is my everything. I dont know where i would be without her or where i will be when i do lose her. I tell her every time i see her how much I love her because i know she is old and I know that everyone must die and I dont want her to leave this world without knowing exactly how much she means to me. I've started going to church with my dad, its amazing how much better it makes me feel. I dont know, i just feel like I've stared to put the pieces back together, I always refused that my parents devorice hurt me, I always said i was happy about it I just refused to let it bother me. Only it changed me, i was so different and i was so hurt. and now its like the pieces are finally coming back together and my life is staring to feel more full...its just amazing. im scared because i am always scared tot be hurt, but im so glad to have my dad back. All I could ever remember was the bad, all the times he'd pounded into my head, dont eat that ur gonna get fat, look at u thats making u fat, its like i could only hear the negative thigns n my head, and now i can remember the fun times, the things he taught me, like how to ride a bike, how to fish, how to throw a ball, how to play basketball, and soccer, two things i really love to do... when i was a little kid i made a game up and he used to play with me everyday, He would even put a bucket over his head like a face mask with me, I mean not a lot of grown ups would do something like that.....I dont consider myself a grownup even tho im 20, I think when im 80 im still going to consider myself a kid.....im a kid at heart so i wont ever grow up you know lol. You just have to block the bad out to be able to remember the good.\

Natasha, I think that it is wonderful that you've started to do better. You havent binged or purged for a few days thats amazing and you should be proud of that. Just keep on going, I know sometimes its all uphill, but you know, once you climb to the top of that highest mountain u get to see the amazing veiw....remember, try to see the good in things, i promise it helps....because i always looked for the bad, I felt bad inside, and still do a lot of times, but i have started to try to look for the good, it will bring u up if you let it. Sometimes we can't do everything on our own. I'm learning its koay to ask for help, so dont be afraid to reach out you know....

Maggie, Keep your head up hun. I h ope that each day gets easier for you. I hope that u will try to let some people help u, instead of tryinng to always be the strong on like me.....ive seen so much death in my life, lost so many people that i needed....life is too short.....and much to precious, we all need too beat this because we deserve to be truly happy and enjoy every day that we're allowed to be here.

Sammy, its good to finally hear from u. How was ur trip to the lake....with ur friends family? I hope u enjoyed urself. And how are u doing lately. I know u were doing quite well before u left?

Take care everyone, and God Bless......remember keep ur head up because the sun will shine brighter when u look at the world thru different eyes.
Love always
chrissy

chrissy you are such a wonderful human being - I'm feeling kind of drained this weekend - sometimes I dread going to work on Mondays and being the social worker b/c I know I haven't had a chance to refill so to speak. Tomorrow is one of those days I feel kind of scared... sometimes when i sit and counsel people I wonder what the hell am I doing here??? thanks for your kind words

Aww hun, I'm sorry. I can understand that. It's like you just need to get everything together so you can just feel not so dead on monday. I commpletely understand that. But I wish you wouldnt think like that. Because the way I see it is that you've been through a lot in your life. And no you aren't perfect. But no one is. I feel that babies are perfect, but thats the only thing I can say is perfect int his world because they are just untouched, they havent been hurt, everything and everyone is good in their eyes. But we know better....we know there is a chance we're going to get hurt anytime we take a chance on someone else, or on ourselves....u know. I think that what u do is amazing. I want to be a child psychologist....And I know that i have issues. I know that I'm not perfect, and I know that there are so many things in my life that i need help with. But that doesnt mean that you can't help someone else. It doesnt mena that you cant take the knowledge that u have right now, from the 43 years of your life and use every bit of it to help change someone else's life. I dont think u should question yuorself at all, because I admire you for the things that you do. Dont you dare hang your head hun....You hold it tall and strong and be proud because its people like you that can and will change the world....God bless u, and i will pray that he give you tthe strength and courage u need to get through every day and beat this....because like I told u once before a while ago, ur fear isnt going to come true, ur not going to be an old woman still fighting this.
Love chrissy

hey maggie, sorry ur so drained...but u will get rite back up again :) i know it...just beleive in urself and have confidence and tell urself u WILL beat this. dont be scared. and i know the counsellor wont be wondering why ur there. they will help u 100 % of the way.

chrissy, yea im finally home and it feels great! i had slips and my ana thoughts were coming back but i fought aginast them and ate normally. i did better than i thought i would actually...my friend who i stayed with found out about my slips cuz i told my best friend and she told her...she felt megan had the rite to know, which is true but man was that awkward..lol. neways, ever since then the rest of the time megan was by me the whole time and kept sayin "ur gonna keep er down?" "yes" "u shure?" and things like that...she was really good about it and a lot of the time we talked about my prob. i told her all my thoughts and how my eating habits are and she thinks im a nutcase! lol...its so weird....she sed she can stuff her face and not feel one bit guilty. she likes the feeling of being full....i cant stand it. i lost a lb or 2....all we did was move move and more moving. how badly i wanted an ice cream cone or a ice cap....when my friends all got candy i was just....ugh. i cant eat that stuff...so to make it look like i waasnt eatign nething id always get a diet coke and beef jerky. that worked for me. :)

neways, im just glad to be home but now im sitting around feeling like im getting fat. Boo thoughts. but i guess im doing okay...well, ive been purging daily but not hardcore..."sigh" will this never end?

nd like the thing is...i wanna gain weight. i want my butt and boobs back...i like curvy women and i envy those who are...but why am i so scared?

We all are scared, I dont know why, I think if we could figure that out we'd be okay. Because when ur scared u wont do anything to change...change is scary, I've found that out, but sometimes change is good. So I guess its just taking the time to become comfortable with the thoughts and then begin to take the actions, easier said than done of course. It's okay hun, we all slip, God knows that. But its not about how many times we slip or fall.....its about how many times u get back up. remember that. You can fall down a million times and still win a race.....as long as u get back up and keep going you know. You've got to try to think of it like that. Say well yeah I did slip today but you know what tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning and I can try all over again....Keep your head up sweet heart....you're doing just fine....just try not to be so hard on urself....u know have a piece of candy once in a while.....****, if I dont eat anything in a days time, I can gaurentee u I will of had a piece of candy before the day is over...I can't help it, I'm a candy fene, and have been my whole life, so with my ed it makes it harder, yeah i feel bad, bad isnt even the word for the way i feel when i eat the candy, but somewhere in me i know that its okay and that its not going to kill me to do so, I've really been working hard, I havent gained anyweight either, and I've been eating at least once a day which is way more than normal. And im learning that Its okay. I know i will slip and will freak out about it at times, but I also know that I can get back up and keep moving, and thats just one more mountain that I have crossed....keep trying hun, and keep ur head up, never give up girl, I know u can push thru

Hey chrissy
I know how you feel still being a child at 20...I am only a little older than you and I feel about 16. I am extremely dependant on my parents and I think my depression and bulimia have really hindered my independence.

Well it had been... 5 days since my last binge. I think I am starting to get better. I soooo want to binge though. I get so lonely at night and food is the only comfort to me. But now that its gone...I feel, bereft. Like I have lost somthing I love.

I am so obsessed with food it sickens me. Sometimes I wish I was an alcoholic or something else. I don't want to trade one addiction for another though. I know alcohol is bad for you. But atleast I wouldn't have to worry about dying of a heart attack.

Hugs to all

That is wonderful. I am so proud of you. Five days is a great accomplishment. Just take it one day at a time. Baby steps. But thats where your wrong. If you become an alcoholic u could die of a heart attack. Alcohol does a lot of horrible things to you. I used to be one. I am very proud to say its been almost two years since I've had my last drink. . . but im really ashamed to say that I had to lose me best friend for me to realize that. He died from drinking and driving, and I was at his house with him getting trashed and partying the nite he died, there was 4 of us counting him and we were all best friends we were always together and always getting completely trashed, and him and another girl there, his ex, (and my ex was there too but we all stayed the same even when we all broke up u know) and him and his ex got n a big fight he kicked her out she went to leave (this happened everytime we partied together, about every nite) and so we knew how to deal with it u know, And i run down to get her outta the car to get her to calm down, we''d seperate em and then calm em down n things would be okay, but that nite i got her outta the car n she said LET ME GET MY KEYS, and i said no ur car aint going anywhere and I made her walk across teh street with me and my best friend got n the car and locked the doors, ill never forget the look in his eye as he drove off, he looked so insane, and it was at like 2:06 when he took off, the cops found him wrecked dead at 2:09 and me and my ex had went everywhere looking for him, and it turned out we drove past him twice and never saw him, after he was wrecked....its something that haunts me everyday....alcohol....its horrible, please dont turn to that, i did to cover my problems, being sexually abused....and thats a lot of why my ed started too, but its so not worth it hun. I know its hard, but keep ur head up, better days will come around i promise you

I don't reply have any thing wise to say - I just want to tell you all that you feel like sisters to me and I want to give all of you a huge hug and tell you that I care about you. I read all the posts but don't always reply. Today was as I dreaded, I counseled patient after patient, and just got home, cried all the way. I really love what I do - I wanted to be a social worker for ever, I just want to be as "normal" as I can be and I don't see that happening quite yet....

im so sorry hun, I wish I could give you a huge hug and tell you how beautiful you are and how amazing you are, that you are saving peoples lives and thats wonderful..... but who is reaching out and saving yours??


I am.....and I always will be, dont u hesistate to ask for something or just share how ur feeling, I will never judge u or look at u as anything less than wonderful....I will be praying for you, I'm so sorry ur day was horrible....But its okay to cry, let it out because if u hold it in its gonna make u feel way worse....I think ur beautiful hun.... dont let the voices in there tell u anything different

People have TRIED to reach out and save my life, but it didn't and doesn't help. The only one that can really save anyone is themselves. My parents have tried....so trust me, I do have support.

I Am getting better though! No purging again today?

BTW...was wondering if you are bulimic or anorexic or both?

me restricting/starving and throwing up. I have never binged - I often wonder what that feels like - it sounds very difficult from what I've read here on the posts.

thanks Chrissy - unfortunately Natasha I don't have any support outside these boards other than my therapist and my food police, Chrissy didn't mean having someone to rescue me because we all know that doesn't work. She meant someone at home or nearby that can come over and sit with you while you cry or just to reach out and give you a gentle touch. I don't have any of that and I get terribly lonely sometimes. As a social worker a lot of people I know expect me to have the solutions for myself - good hell Maggie if you can help so and so why can't you help yourself? They don't understand that it is not the same as Lauren and I do. I haven't throw up or starved in a while b/c I can't go to tx if I do (shrink rules). Nothing changes inside my head I just know if I don't go to tx I will hurt myself by starving or purging, that is a sad fact at this time. So I feel like I am burden just like Chrissy does and I feel so guilty when I ask for help b/c my role is to be the helper, the counselor, blah blah blah....sounds so stupid doesn't it? :)

I am anorexic....never binged.....I started out by throwing up all the time....anything I ate I just had to get rid of it....it started my freshman year right after I was abused by a guy that was like my best friend.....he was always at the house we always hung out, and I used to do a lot of drugss and I drank a lot, and we got trashed that nite..... only it wasnt just once, because he wasnt just a friend, he was part of the family u know.....not blood, but he was a step bro....or still is i guess....but it continueed because we lived n the same house n there was nothing i could do, i mean i stayed away for a long time and then icame down to stay with my mom and he wasnt here they said he wasnt gonna be because he moved n with him mom so he wasnt around, and then i got drunk and passed out and woke up to him....so i dunno i had no control over it u know and i guess it kind of threw me into wanting to be able to control something, and i could control if i kept the food in or not, well my mom evenutally found out and pissed me off and i quit eating, I had always hated myself, and i always thought that i was fat.....which looking back nowi see i wasnt, I was healthy, I wore a size 9 and I was solid muscle I ran five miles a day and played all k inds of sports and looking back at pictures i looked really good, only i just couldnt be happy with myself so i pick myself apart I weighed 155 when this started or when i started this i should say.....my lowest point was 98 pounds, and now i have been at 103-105 for the past year or so, i fall backwards every now and again and get back down in the 90s. its just hard to try to get thru it, especially when everyone is always on ur back....my dad got married a coouple months ago and I was n the wedding, and us girls, me and my step moms daughter and daughter n law were all n strapless dresses and u could see all my bones its was horrible, I know i looked bad and my great uncle, I hadnt seen him in probably a year n a half, he travels a whole lot, came over to give me a hug n immediately asked me if i had been really sick n i said no why and he was like because u look like it, u look really bad......it kills me to have people tellin me that all the time, but i guess i deserve it u know....im the stupid one, i did it to myself

Cryingskies....

You are certainly dealing with a lot of things. I sincerely hope that somebody may be able to help you. I don't know how much help I could be, but I am here to listen and I have great empathy for you. A lot of times I feel guility for being bulimic because I have a great, stable family who have always given me all the support I have needed AND have given me just about all the material things I have ever asked for. My mom was popular in high school and smart and is a hard working well adjusted woman, my is very smart and outgoing, and my brother is a million times smarter than I am very popular. I have never been popular (although I'm in my early 20's now, there really isn't a peer group I have to be 'popular' in!) and am pretty introverted and became bulimic because I was lonely. I thought people would like me if I was really skinny. ALthough I never really gave people a chance to like me, I always isolated myself. I use food to soothe my loneliness, although it only works for the small amount of time I am binging.

I wish there was a magic pill for eating disorders.
I haven't binged in a while but have been restricting.
It is a "vicious cycle!" ( <-- I hate that phrase LOL!)

thanks Chrissy - unfortunately Natasha I don't have any support outside these boards other than my therapist and my food police, Chrissy didn't mean having someone to rescue me because we all know that doesn't work. She meant someone at home or nearby that can come over and sit with you while you cry or just to reach out and give you a gentle touch. I don't have any of that and I get terribly lonely sometimes. As a social worker a lot of people I know expect me to have the solutions for myself - good hell Maggie if you can help so and so why can't you help yourself? They don't understand that it is not the same as Lauren and I do. I haven't throw up or starved in a while b/c I can't go to tx if I do (shrink rules). Nothing changes inside my head I just know if I don't go to tx I will hurt myself by starving or purging, that is a sad fact at this time. So I feel like I am burden just like Chrissy does and I feel so guilty when I ask for help b/c my role is to be the helper, the counselor, blah blah blah....sounds so stupid doesn't it? :)

Hey maggie- What you you mean you "can't to to tx" if you throw up or starve yourself? (What does "tx" mean...or is that a stuipd question? :) )

I am sorry you get so lonely. So do I. I have a great mom who will always be there to hold me when I cry, but I just can't let her. I can't let anyone.
I hope I may be able to help you somewhat.....I can't take away your loneliness or change your thinking, but I can offer you understanding.

maggie is talkin about Texas....TX is the abbreviated word

And thanks. I appreciate ur concern. Everytime things start going any better at all, WHAM! im back with my freakin face in the dirt. I can't take it anymore. like today.... I've bounced my bank account and im just screwed, I mean I had to do it because I had to get to work, I had no other choice. but I mean i just cant do this anymore. my job screws me so bad, my boss is a sexist pig, he wont pay me as much as the guys, and ive been there longer than all but him and one other guy, and he gets pissed off at me for nothing, I have only been late one time ONE TIME and it was by five minutes, the whole time ive worked there, n another guy is late every single day by at least 45 minutes and my boss wont say a word to him, but i even called to tell him i was running late the day i was late, i was stuck in traffic, something I couldnt control, I mean i sat there for twenty miniutes so I do leave in enough time to get there and leave room for things like traffic but twenty minutes of sitting still is not my fault...... n now he's pissed at me for something else, which i dont even know what it is so he cuts my hours back i mean WAY BACK. . . three days this week, with five hours a day. I mean its just horrible. I just feel like **** and I dont even want to eat or even think about trying to even begin to fight with this ana today and im not going to, i dont even care what happens at this point. Because i have to think that if u die from this then u know what, I dont have to hurt anymore,a nd i dont have to worry with the money probs, and the family probs and the emotional probs and baggage, i mean its just so not even worth it anymore. My boss sent me to burger king about a mile from the mall today to get his lunch and i even got something for myself. . but i couldnt eat it. I took a bite of my chicken sandwich and i threw it away, I'm so stressed i just feel sick, and I dont even want to think about putting anything in my mouth, theres times, like now, that I would rather die than put anything in my mouth and its like I dont even care if I would pass out or have a heart attack or fall over dead because its not even worth it......or maybe its just my crazy *** mind, or my f'ed up life.....who knows....

oops sorry Natasha - thats a social work term for treatment - I am a social worker for a living, crazy huh, a counselor with an eating disorder, kind of sad in a funny way. Yes if I throw up or don't eat what I am told then I am not allowed to see my therapist or my dietician that week, tough love I guess :)

Maggie
That is the most asinine thing I have ever heard. You aren't allowed to see your therapist of dietician if you throw up??

What kind of tough love is that? I never heard of anything so absurd....
They don't want to see you when you really need the help??

That makes me so mad. If that was true for me, I would never have been able to see my therapist because I never stopped throwing up.

Who made up that rule? Is that the rule of only onne certain therapist??If so, I'd change quickly....

Thats like a therpist telling a suicidal person, I can't see you if you are suicidal...

yes I kind of agree with you but I can see why they have drawn the line - they are several therapists in my area that are part of an eating disorder group and they all do the same thing for people like me with years and years of ED (30 for me) - its ok really but it is very very hard for me quite often - I agreed to it b/c I know I will never get better left entirely to my own devices - it was that or inpatient - I left when I read the assinine b/c that is exactly what I told them heehee....:) They have actually been patient with the eating thing - two years ago I ate 400 calories or less and threw up...the rule about the not throwing up is about 2 months old and I am now eating 930 calories, they have tried to push the increase pretty hard and when I have completely come unglued they have backed down so it's not so bad