Eldo
07-22-2005, 01:55 AM
I have been married for 4 years and after about 6 mo. she went into a depressive state. She came out of it very all of the sudden maybe a month into the depression. One day she was looking into getting a divorce and then the very next day she was my best friend. We never got any help because I felt that all was well because we were closer than ever afterward. Since then we've gone through a series of ups and downs (really high highs and really low lows with not much inbetween) in our marriage; however, I feel that I really haven't changed much. On Monday, she told me that she had never loved me and went to stay with a friend. It was very much out of the blue. I really didn't know much about bipolar disorder, but I remember her telling me that her mother was on medication for it. I did some research and it seems very obvious to me that she is bipolar. My question is ... how do I approach her about getting help? She really doesn't want anything to do with me right now (I have no idea why this is). Should I wait until she pulls out of the depression or should I push that we see a marriage counselor where hopefully bipolar gets brought up? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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mudhound
07-22-2005, 08:47 AM
Hello and WELCOME to the board! I too have a wife that has BP. To say that it's rough is an understatement. We have been married for 20+ years. Read some of my past posts and you will see.
Eldo
07-22-2005, 10:30 AM
Hello and WELCOME to the board! I too have a wife that has BP. To say that it's rough is an understatement. We have been married for 20+ years. Read some of my past posts and you will see.
Thanks. I've read some of your posts and I seem to be going through very similar things. Was your wife diagnosed before you were married? What happened to make her realize that she had BP?
Thanks. I've read some of your posts and I seem to be going through very similar things. Was your wife diagnosed before you were married? What happened to make her realize that she had BP?
Good Grief!
07-22-2005, 04:01 PM
My fiance, (we have been together 8/9 years) found out I was Bipolar at the same time as I. About 2 years into our relationship. We were both a mess for quite a while. Well, I am still pretty much a mess, but he's gotten MUCH better.
There were times that I knew he was miserable and it was, of course, my fault. Later, when the anger rolled in, I would do everything I could to make him want to throw in the towel, just LEAVE. Then there were times I would get justfiably (!?!) angry. He wouldn't let me be. I was SO tired. Just let me sleep. Go away. But he was constantly there, nattering away, like a little berserk bee who wouldn't take my requests seriously and just BUG OFF.
We have good days and we have bad days.
We came to an agreement. He would NEVER threaten to leave me in anger again. I would NEVER threaten to leave him again in anger. Everyonce in a while we add to the Rule Book... Such as my throwing days are behind me. Boy I miss 'em sometimes though.
Living with a BiPolar person, I assume, is as difficult as being one. Except as a loved one you have the choice (temptation) to walk away.
Its the fact that he had a CHOICE that finally got through to me. He CHOSE me and my condition. Once that sunk in for me it became a source of strength, pride a warm fuzzy.
Of course WITHOUT professional HELP I would have driven him away YEARS ago. He (sneaky rat) scheduled an appointment for HIMSELF with my GP. He talked to my GP for about an hour about what he saw, felt and feared. Now my GP could NOT discuss me openly without my consent but the GP took in all Michaels concerns and thought of questions he wanted to as me. Then my GP called me, scheduled an appointment for blood work (thyroid related) and when I came in, we talked. He told me that he thought most of my 'problems' were not 100% Thyroid related. He thought they were caused by undiagnosed BiPolar. He suggested (IRON FIST STYLE) that I make an appointment with Dr. So-And-So.
Thus began my education on WHO I really am.
It is a constant struggle for those who are BP and those who CHOOSE to be with us. But I believe it's worth it.
Michael finds books to read. An Unquiet Mind and A Brilliant Madness are two that helped him and I recognize my behavoirs in another person. A person who survives/ THRIVES and LIVES happily as a BP.
I have a tendancy to run on... So much to say.
Good Luck with your choice Eldo. Its not easy but then anything worth while is not easy.
There were times that I knew he was miserable and it was, of course, my fault. Later, when the anger rolled in, I would do everything I could to make him want to throw in the towel, just LEAVE. Then there were times I would get justfiably (!?!) angry. He wouldn't let me be. I was SO tired. Just let me sleep. Go away. But he was constantly there, nattering away, like a little berserk bee who wouldn't take my requests seriously and just BUG OFF.
We have good days and we have bad days.
We came to an agreement. He would NEVER threaten to leave me in anger again. I would NEVER threaten to leave him again in anger. Everyonce in a while we add to the Rule Book... Such as my throwing days are behind me. Boy I miss 'em sometimes though.
Living with a BiPolar person, I assume, is as difficult as being one. Except as a loved one you have the choice (temptation) to walk away.
Its the fact that he had a CHOICE that finally got through to me. He CHOSE me and my condition. Once that sunk in for me it became a source of strength, pride a warm fuzzy.
Of course WITHOUT professional HELP I would have driven him away YEARS ago. He (sneaky rat) scheduled an appointment for HIMSELF with my GP. He talked to my GP for about an hour about what he saw, felt and feared. Now my GP could NOT discuss me openly without my consent but the GP took in all Michaels concerns and thought of questions he wanted to as me. Then my GP called me, scheduled an appointment for blood work (thyroid related) and when I came in, we talked. He told me that he thought most of my 'problems' were not 100% Thyroid related. He thought they were caused by undiagnosed BiPolar. He suggested (IRON FIST STYLE) that I make an appointment with Dr. So-And-So.
Thus began my education on WHO I really am.
It is a constant struggle for those who are BP and those who CHOOSE to be with us. But I believe it's worth it.
Michael finds books to read. An Unquiet Mind and A Brilliant Madness are two that helped him and I recognize my behavoirs in another person. A person who survives/ THRIVES and LIVES happily as a BP.
I have a tendancy to run on... So much to say.
Good Luck with your choice Eldo. Its not easy but then anything worth while is not easy.
Eldo
07-25-2005, 09:44 AM
I don't plan on leaving. In fact she is the one that is trying to leave me. I just recently realized that bp was a possibility, so it has not been a topic of discussion. We had a great talk yesterday and I just flat out voiced my opinion that the way she has been acting has not been normal. I used tons of examples and I think she caught on. She realized that she has these huge up and down swings and her mother is bp, so she seemed to be more accepting that it could be a possiblity. Anyway, we have an appointment with a marriage counselor on Wednesday. We are going to see how that goes before we do anything.
Good Grief!
07-25-2005, 03:32 PM
GREAT!! Good Luck with that appointment!!
Clarification: I wasn't suggesting that you wanted to leave, but she, was PUSHING you away. The same way I did to the man I love. Its one of my less favored 'side effects', anyone who trys to help or understand eventually becomes enemy number one when the mood strikes. Then once the mood is passed, I loo and see that the people who cared before want nothing to do with me... Michael was strong, he saw through it, let me have my moments, waited til they passed and we would talk then.
I'll have my fingers crossed that all will wor out for you and your wife!!
Clarification: I wasn't suggesting that you wanted to leave, but she, was PUSHING you away. The same way I did to the man I love. Its one of my less favored 'side effects', anyone who trys to help or understand eventually becomes enemy number one when the mood strikes. Then once the mood is passed, I loo and see that the people who cared before want nothing to do with me... Michael was strong, he saw through it, let me have my moments, waited til they passed and we would talk then.
I'll have my fingers crossed that all will wor out for you and your wife!!
SomewhatConfusd
07-26-2005, 02:59 PM
My doctor told me, and you'll probably agree, it is hard to have a relationship when you are bipolar. He actually said it was a good idea I didn't get involved, or never got married. Well I'm engaged, and unfortunately, the doctor was probably right, because most likely, we'll never make it due to my "episodes". He just doesn't appear to be the type to really understand the condition, or even try for that matter, I always get the " I can't live like this" lines.
The first step you have taken is the biggest and greatest step. You are concerned and willing to learn and deal with it, for your wifes sake.
Learn everything you possibly can, and then try to put yourself in the bipolar mindstate to see what she may be thinking when she has "episodes". 9 times out of 10 we thrive for serious affection and will say/do anything when we feel "unloved" to make you hurt/cry/come running. This then makes us feel as though you love us more than we originally thought. So don't always take the negative things we say to heart, alot fo times we don't even realize what we're saying in the heat of an argument because we aren't thinking "rationally". This doesn't apply to everyone, as there are different levels of bipolar. But if you want to help her, you have to cease the moment, but not with an attack sense. Pull up as much information as you can, and when she's calm and stable, bring the information to her attention, be careful not to make her feel like a basket case, but as your doing this out of concern and love for her as well as the marriage. Be VERY tentive and caring. Alot of people don't even know what it is, and most of the time don't feel like they have a problem until everything worsens.
Good luck!
The first step you have taken is the biggest and greatest step. You are concerned and willing to learn and deal with it, for your wifes sake.
Learn everything you possibly can, and then try to put yourself in the bipolar mindstate to see what she may be thinking when she has "episodes". 9 times out of 10 we thrive for serious affection and will say/do anything when we feel "unloved" to make you hurt/cry/come running. This then makes us feel as though you love us more than we originally thought. So don't always take the negative things we say to heart, alot fo times we don't even realize what we're saying in the heat of an argument because we aren't thinking "rationally". This doesn't apply to everyone, as there are different levels of bipolar. But if you want to help her, you have to cease the moment, but not with an attack sense. Pull up as much information as you can, and when she's calm and stable, bring the information to her attention, be careful not to make her feel like a basket case, but as your doing this out of concern and love for her as well as the marriage. Be VERY tentive and caring. Alot of people don't even know what it is, and most of the time don't feel like they have a problem until everything worsens.
Good luck!
Ruth6:11
07-26-2005, 03:22 PM
Eldo, she needs a doctor. If she is already refusing to see a doctor then you have a rough road ahead.
One of the conditions on your relationship will need to be that SHE do HER part by seeing her doctor and working through finding the right medication.
There isn't alot of good news for marriages where the person with Bipolar Disorder refuses to get help...
A Type I Bipolar who is on meds and in a healthy marriage,
Ruth
:angel:
One of the conditions on your relationship will need to be that SHE do HER part by seeing her doctor and working through finding the right medication.
There isn't alot of good news for marriages where the person with Bipolar Disorder refuses to get help...
A Type I Bipolar who is on meds and in a healthy marriage,
Ruth
:angel: