So I go to see my shrink today after being other people's shrink ( so ironic) and it was so sad because I felt paralyzed. I have had the worst week, obsessing about throwing up, obsessing about starving and restricting, obsessing about being fat ( been taking lots of prednisone (causes weight gain) for Lupus. EEKKKK!! SO then I finally get to talk to someone about all of it and my mouth is glued shut by ED. It was so awful, I felt like there was this huge chasm between my and my shrink. He is one of the few people I trust in this whole wide world and I could not open my mouth and speak. My brain was spinning around, my heart was racing, I was so anxious. When I get really anxious I have this habit of taking a kleenex and folding it in half and then ripping it into exact little strips but leaving the ends attached. I watched myself doing this and felt like a total psycho. It felt like everything was coming at me through a tunnel - I guess I sort of panicked. SO it was the hour from hell. I ran out of there fast - sat in my car, in the 112 degree heat freaking out. Then i tried to drive away after about 20 minutes sitting there trying to calm down and ended up pulling the car over again and sitting there sobbing like an idiot. What do you do when you feel so seperate from everyone??

Oh Maggie...oh maggie, maggie maggie. wat can i say? im so sorry to hear the whole visit didnt turn out as u would have hoped. the ed can make our brains do crazy things. i really dont have ne suggestions except for stay strong until ur next attempt. :)

thanks sammy - you are very kind to all of us. I appreciate you :)

Hey Maggie
God I feel for you! I know that a lot of times I go in to see my therapist and after a whole week of thinking of a million things I want to say, talk about, express, I end up saying barely anything. Go figure, being a therapist I love the talkers and have a really hard time with the ones that have a hard time talking. And in the end I am just like them. Go figure.
A lot of times when I feel that way I usually call my therapist at another point in the week and just leave a message saying how disconnected I feel and frustrated. Because maybe at the moment I leave the message I'm feeling a little clearer as to what is going on. That way when I see her next time she knows how I'm feeling.
When do you see your shrink next? If you really trust him then maybe just giving him an FYI about the way you feel might help.
Thinking of you
Lauren

thanks Lauren - I just sent him an e-mail. Trying to explain what was going on. Hopefully the email made sense. I actually felt sorry for him, it kind of felt like he shut down a little too which scared me even more. When you already feel loonie and the people around you get quiet as well then well you know - its like a twisted confirmation of the bulls*** we already believe about ourselves because of ED. And of course ED yapping inside my head the ENTIRE time doesn't help a bit. "See Maggie even you shrink thinks you're a dumb ***, Look at him just sitting there, I told you you were crazy" and on and on and on. YIKES! Hopefully next fridays visit will go better.....