I am so frustrated. After a year of being at a fairly good weight, still a little underweight but still working, I have moved to a new city and have been here a little over a month. The entire time I have not counted a single calorie (on paper), but am also eating pretty much the EXACT same thing every day so I have an idea of how much I eat daily. Any time I am not counting I always tend to just try to eat a little less and so this has been no different, although I am not exactly sure which foods I am not eating now that I did then. I also think I may be exercising a little more than I did in my home town, too, but just not 100% sure. Anyway, So i go home for the weekend and go to my old gym, where I know the scales and the accuracy of them. I get on and I am down 8 pounds from 1 month ago when I left and I can't help but smile and sense that I have accomplished something absolutely fantastic and think how easy it would be to get down to where I was before and fall back in to old habits. It's so frustrating because I want so badly to be healthy and "normal" but my mind is still so screwed up. Well, thanks for listening.

Morg

geez Morgan - I'm sorry that happened - even though our screwed minds look at it as some sort of conquest. My first thought on reading your post - and I apologize for the sick and twistedness of this - was how did that happened that's so great I wish I could do that. IRRATIONAL THINKING and DANGEROUS. I guess the good part is that you recognized you were thinking what you were thinking - in the past you may not have given it a second thought so GOOD FOR YOU! I haven't throw up in about two months and I haven't starved myslef completely - shrink and food police rules - no barfing and no less than 930 calories but I think about it every day all day, makes me crazy so I guess we can start refeeding ourselves but that doesn't mean that our minds keep up with the rest of it all. I keep asking my shrink when is my thinking going to change even the tiniest bit? take care thinking of you....

Hey Morgan, It is weird how our minds work. We want to be better and "normal", yet we still do things even unconsciously that make us lose weight. Like you said you've been not counting calories on paper but in a way compensating it through eating the same stuff and exercising more. But maybe you didn't even really realize you were doing it. I know I do that. I used to be in weight watchers and I learned how to count points. Well sure, I stopped counting points on paper but I'm an EXPERT at counting them in my head! Ugh! And of course I exercise like crazy. I know with me it's trying to pretend I don't know what I'm doing, but in the end, I really do know.
I guess all I can say is just keep moving forward. You know what you are doing, what you can do and what is best for you. It's just a matter of putting it into action.
Take care
Lauren

Aw morgz i know what u mean...i felt the same way...yes u wanna stay normal but when u lose weightu get that lil "spark" of happiness that is just so sickning...i was like that. now if i loose i go Boo. but yet i still purge? wat the hell...who knows. i guess ur not used to the new environment and ur weight is the one thing u can control by coping and what not. i guess all i can say is, stay strong...if u want to continue what ur doing, then so be it...but maybe try to increase the cals and descrease the excercise in a slow matter...just take it a day at a time...dont rush it...thatll just screw things up....a day at a time...slowly but shurely....

u cannot continue living this way...not healthy. u need the cals for energy, and if u lack the energy...u'll lack control of ur body.

take care hun

Thanks Guys, I really appreciate it. Mags, what exactly did you mean when you asked 'how did I do it', what exactly are you referring to? I guess in a way I am trying to fool myself into thinking that I don't know what I am doing, but i really do and that makes me even more disgusted with myself. I am better than this, right?!!

You have to be honest with yourself about the part of you that doesn't want to give up the disease.

You don't want to know what I meant Morgan - it was my ED thinking - jealous that you did that (lost weight) and why couldn't I - I know sick and twisted :)and we know exactly what we , all of us our doing. All we can do is recognize our thinking and try to act in a rational manner - for me challenge at times when it comes to myself - always sane and rational when it comes to others..... (sigh)