Im very new here. I have come here in hopes of being able to mae some BIG, healthy, positive changes in my life. Im here hoping to find people
who want the same, we can encourage each other,
who have already MADE changes, advice would be nice
I have never been able to relate to so many people as I have while reading through the many threads here. So many times as I've been reading over the last few days I've blurted out "YEAH! ME TOO!!"

Here is some personal History:

I spent YEARS (15 years) in denial about my condition. I didn't WANT to be BP. My grandfather was BP and he was a mess(he refused treatment). I just DID not want to be like him. No WAY!

At the ripe old age of 32 I finaly ran outta gas. I hit a brick wall. I was on the verge of loosing ANOTHER job. I knew that it would be the end. I would NOT bounce bac from this one. I was flattened.
Sidenote: I have been firedand/or quit 126 different positions. THAT is the OFFICIAL employment count based upon my SS#. That does not include those jobs that were under the official table. Bartending and waitressing.
I knew I was at the crossroads, no denial on earth could blind me to fact that I had a choice. Neither choice was really appealing. Choice 1. stay on the path to destruction, slow destruction and find out what it means to 'meet a bad end' OR ACCEPT THAT I AM BP AND GET HELP. I signed myself into the hospital. I spent over 3 whole months in a lockdown unit (One day we'll have to share humorous hospital stories! Boy the stupid things I did! A Victorias Secret shopping spree to the tune of $700, while hospitalized, and had the goods delivered to my hospital ROOM!! :nono: ) 3 months of hospital food causes a whole SLEW of erratic thoughts! It was the best thing I ever did. I made the right choice. But this new life is VERY different.


My Mission:

Okay I am learning to put denial in my past. Im BiPolar. Now Im trying to learn HOW to live. I want to be PRODUCTIVE. I want a LIFE. Probably for the very first time. In the past I wasn't living, I was running as fast as I could AWAY from ME!

Well, Ive stopped running and now I want to DO something. As I said earlier I cannot seem to get the MOTIVATION to do a darn thing! My lack of motivation causes me to PROCRASTINATE with everything. So I have a HUGE 'Things To Do' list. It grows every day. Every week or two I MAY do ONE thing on my mental list. Then collapse in utter exhaustion... So after (waytoo many) hours of thought on the subject of motivation and why I DONT have any...I've come up with a theory (please, if this is an old theory don't let me know! Let me find out later...much later :)...And I have a PLAN.

I'm thinking I need to treat MOTIVATION like a muscle. If you don't use it you lose it! Well I've certanly lost it! Sooo...

Im going to treat motivation like a wannabe bodybuilder would treat the gym.

I couldn't go to a gym and sling around a 100 pound weight lie it was a grilled cheese sandwich. But if that were my goal. Id pick up a 2 pound weight and sling it, then eventualy a 5 pound weight and so on...

Soo...I'm going to list 5 things off my 'Things To Do' list. This short list is my 2 pound weight training. If I can do all five things in/for one week then I'll add 2 more things to my list. Maybe this way I'll be able to BUILD motivation. By accomplishing anything regularly I'll build my confidence and so on...

Now this will have one of two results.

It will work.
Or
I'll need stronger meds, when I find a pdoc.

The reason Im posting this here is for 2 reasons.

Reason 1: I get discouraged VERY easily. Im hoping that if I post 'Weely Progress Reports' I will recieve encouragement, maybe even just enough to make the difference.

Reason 2: I'm hoping someone may want to join in. Someone feels as I do, frustrated, ready for POSITIVE change and scared of not being able to change but trying it anyways!


So here goes...

Here is my ListOfThingsToDo:

1. I need to get a new keyboard. The letter 'k' no longer works on this one, I have to find the letter elsewhere, then copy and paste that darn letter into each needed word!! I have been doing it for about 2 months...

2. I want to wake up to a clean kitchen. I hate cleaning the itchen, I always put it off and then delay, delay, delay.

3. I will NOT take NAPS. I end up napping alot. Yeah I get tired, but lately when I'm honest with myself, I go to sleep to avoid DOING things. I get bored, yet won't DO anything. So I tae a nap. That way I don't have to think about what I'm NOT doing.

4. I will find a new psychiatrist. I want my meds.

5. I will unpack 1 medium box/ half a large box per day. I just moved to NC, I've been here for almost 2 months. I haven't unpaced.

I'm debating about posting this. I want to, I really need the help. But I'm a little nervous too...

Good Post! I loved that about the K. That dog gone K. It will do it every time.
This is the place.

One thing I now is that I really eep coming bac here because the fol s here are so nice and so helpful. They don't care if I don't have a on my eyboard.
So don't worry about THAT anymore here, o. .????

I also have no motivation on one level. As far as doing things that I probably should do. (Cleaning floors and dusting are right up there)
BUT. Look at the upper right hand corner of my post. Now THAT indicates some ability to stick with something doesn't it??
I may be a lousy housekeeper, but I've managed a help "one or two" people here and I've stuck with coming here just about every day for 3 yrs now.

I say in addition to trying to be a better you, please take time to pay attention to when you need to pat yourself on your back!!

I also have some wild tales from the hospital stays!! Gee Gee won't be far behind in that category either!!
Welcome aboard Good Grief, you're a keeper! (oops, I mean " eeper"!)
:angel:

Thanks Mudhound!!

I just did some research to find the new eyboard!! It wireless...too cool! I'll loo_up the store and map it out and off I go!

I hope this is the place! Lord _nows I need help!!

Ruth! I busted a button reading your post! Blew it right off my shorts!

Than you for the Welcome!

BTW Ruth6:11 Congratulations on your accomplishment!!! 3 years. I can only guess how many lives you've touched!

mudhound has me beat. He's helped more people who are dealing with people like you and me than we could ever count.
I have a feeling you have the heart of a helper in there yourself...
:angel:

Mudhound has made me feel VERY welcome here! And than-s for the warm fuzzy! I do love to help others too!

I am ready for some positve change for sure.
My to do list:
Keep up with house work.
Actually put the clothes away after I wash them
Start walking and I'd love to start slinging some weights too.
Pay my bills when they come in.
Quit procrastinating! Make a small list and don't worry if I don't cross everything off each day.


I think it's a good start.

Thanks for starting this!

I think this is a good idea... small lists, not big ones. I'm so glad to see that I'm not the only one that doesn't get the laundry put away!!! Its always clean, but wrinkled b/c it stays in the basket. haha :D I guess that would be a big part of my list... laundry. And, getting up and around earlier in the mornings. I know that is going to be tough, but I have to do it. I push it too close on time to get to work.

Good Grief- I'm so glad you're here! I have found these boards to be very theraputic. The biggest help is reading through other peoples posts. So many people have gone through the same thing I'm going through, its good to see them get through it. And, its a good place to kind of "journal". Get your feelings out there, annonymously, you don't have to worry about anyone thinking your a nutcase, cause we all are! haha Just kidding. :) But it is a good thing to come here and know you're not going to be judged, b/c we all understand what the others are going through. Ruth's "k" post was hysterical. She always makes me smile. Mudhound does too... they are 2 of the best on here. (in my opinion :D )

WhaaaaHoooooo! _eysotne206!!! Welcome to training!! I really didn't -now if anyone else would join in! Im so happy!!

Great list btw! Especialy the 'don't worry if I don't cross everything off each day' THAT is important! Oh and the slinging weights! I have gained 50 'little debbie' pounds! I want to get rid of those! weights and wor_ingout will be on my list soon too! You hit another one that I have to wor- on too. But apparently your more advanced than I, mine is I have to DO the laundry(I hate laundry,piles and piles and not a maid in sight), then later I'll probably have to list PUT the laundry away!! :)

Mi_eysWifey0316! Thans for the encouragement! Boy do I need it! Yesterday was Day 1 and I had to _eep telling myself I could do it!

I'm so glad I found these boards. I thin_ its probably the ONLY place I can admit to a dirty _itchen and NOT be bombarded by *shuddering* "OhMiGawds"!

Most who -now me thin- I am a wal-ing a thin line as it is! So yes it is great to be here and see so many others struggling with the same 'little things' I struggle with, you now little things li-e GETTING OUT OF BED! :)

I employed some VERY creative procrastination techniques Tuesday! BUT the -itchen is orderly AND I unpac-ed one box!!! I'll post an official Update later today, AFTER I buy and install my NEW _EYBOARD!!! I can't wait to have my - bac- again!!

I think it is so good what your doing ! you should post each week ! And def. get on some meds. ( I just found out about the whole bipolar thing in November and started meds a month ago ) I hate being bipolar I feel like it steals my life. But I do feel that I am starting to feel better w/ meds. good luck , look forward to your fututre posts.~ Kittyy

Hmmm... It steals your life. I'm not sure that what I did in the past qualifies as living. Many people who Iv spoken with are relieved when the doc finally tells them they are BP. If our lives are so great prior to the announcement then why the relief? Maybe we glorify the pre-BP days as we struggle to gain control and balance in the BP life we are building?

Having spent SO many years in denial of being told I was BP as a teen, back then it was still Manic D, I know I wasn't living. It was a constant battle, a loosing battle because I REFUSED to arm myself. Giving up that battle, denial, was the hardest thing I have ever done. I walked into the hospital emotionally naked, weak and defeated. I accepted the BP verdict. Embraced it as a life sentence. I didn't challenge it, rage against it or even really revel in it, I just existed. Day by day, eat, sleep, read, eat, sleep, read...Now 4 almost years later I am finally ready to take the reins, by GOD I am NOT sleepwalking through MY life.

Now I just need to figure out HOW to build a new life. That is when I found Healthboards. Its sort of a 'if you build it they will come' moment.

I do so LOVE to blather on and on... :)

Boy this one really put a smile on my face.....yea the laundry thing is a pain....... I have gotten alot of ideas from this site and I guess its a good start on tring to change the way i live and making things better for my husband..... Thanks for posting this goodgrief i really enjoyed it...... Good idea.... oh and good luck with the k..... :)

I think instead of calling it my To do list, I am going to call it my Laundry list :) . It makes me feel better to know I am not alone!

Good Grief, I agree, I was relieved then I was told I was BP. It explained a lot!

Good greif (!) if I called it MY laundry list I would NEVER get it done!! I HATE LAUNDRY!!!

I wouldn't WANT to be normal. They have so many problems, they do NOT have docs working round the clock trying to figure/help them out, they do NOT have 'handbooks' and medical documentation (dear abby doesn't count), we have valid documented REASONS for our behavior and what do they have (?) NUTTIN'! Poor lil' norms they really got the short end of the stick!! ;)

Good Grief ?

Perhaps,there is a place in Time,that says,"I really want to "stick" with what "I said". It is Ok - without a 'k". Normal, is there, but, is a place that you said you "thought" you wanted. But,what the heck, if the "mission" you thought about at the begining of this post, maybe it will go down with all the dirty LAUNDRY you hate. (I hope not). :nono: :)

Hold on.

eyestwo22

Eyeswo22, I have read and re-read your post, yet cannot understand. Im sorry to ask, but could you help me understand what your saying?

Feeling really SLOW right about now!

Hey,Good Grief !

I tried to bounce Off the previous post (#17 ) when you were talking about you"would'nt WANT to be normal". You talked about a "Mission" at the very begining of this "Thread" (posted in Green,a peaseful color). I just don't want you to throw out all you said about "My Mission" with the dirty LAUNDARY (YOU HATE). The last line in your "Mission"statement said " I will need stronger meds,when I find a pdoc" Perhaps,if this is the only thing you are "motivated" to accomplish, then you are on you way ! To Stability.

Sometimes,feeling SLOW,helps with FOCUSING ! :D

Hold On.

Eyestwo22

Ah-HA! I get it!! Boy if being SLOW helps with focus I SHOULD be able to burn holes through bank vaults just by looking!!

Good Grief ! !

In responce to your insight,I might say this: being SLOW,at times,can truly be of help for your focus. Your example is just like "a LAZER". So be happy that you can,if you want, to be sooooo focused,that you are as efficent as a LAZER!. That has to give you an advantage with "building on all your motivation". Keep up the good work. :angel:

Hold on !

Eyestwo22

I got some major motivation in an e mail. My brother is coming for a visit Saturday. I haven't seen him in over 3 years. It seems like the only time I am truly motivated to clean the house, is when I know company is coming. So, in a way , I look forward to it!