Hey,

I don't know if you guys remember me, but I was active in posting how my "eating thing" was going (with Hannie). Well, I had been at camp for 4 weeks over the summer.. so that's why I hadn't been posting. But anyways, when I left for the camp I weighed 114 and was 5' 5". And when I came back yesterday, I weight 104.8. I was so shocked, because I hadn't weighed myself the entire trip.. I knew I'd been restricting my eating down to around 400 calories a day but I still felt like a fat hippo so I kept on doing it. Well, for the first half of the camp I was eating okay i guess.. only 600 to the max, I ate like sandwhiches for lunch, bagels for breakfast, and fruit and salad for dinner, and that was pretty good for me.. but then I felt so fat around my friend and I got really depressed, so I started cutting the calories.. I would have like a small apple for breakfast, a small salad with a tiny bit of fat free italian dressing (only 20 cals per 2 tbls. and i had like tbls) for lunch, and then for dinner i'd have a small bowl of canteloupe and a small bowl of cooked vegetables. And all I would drink was water or O calorie flavored water. I did that for about ... 2 weeks. I still didn't feel any different. But see, my friend was with me and she was a bad influence.. she would always buy those really fattenting cheese crackers w/ peanut butter that were like 240 calories for 6, and she'd buy cookies and candy and pastries and banana nut bread and all this bad stuff... it was such a temptation.. then my parnets kept sending me up lots of snacks like cookies and crackers.. and I would be so hungry sometimes that I would just go crazy and grab the entire bag of candy my mom send me and just cramming it in my mouth.. but i never swallowed it. All of the fattening stuff my mom sent I would chew and then spit it out.. it kind of made me feel like I was eating it... plus my mom wanted me to be eating.. There actually were a few times when my friend and I went out to eat and at this one place I at a whole boneless grilled chicken breast (about 3 oz.) and steamed vegetables... I felt so bad for eating that stuff! then one time (right before my period) my friend wanted slushies, so I wa stalked into getting a 16 oz. slushie from the gas station.. OMG! It was terrible. I felt so guilty.. guilty beyond belief.

Well, I guess since I was with my friend for 4 weeks non stop she didn't notice that I'd lost more weight. Except for once when I was wearing a low cut top one time and my bones were sticking out of my chest, and she kept poking them and saying "you're so boney...". She would often tell me how skinny I was at the beginning but I would just tell her to stop because she knew it wasnt true. Eventually she stopped telling me that.. so then when I'd say i felt fat and that I thought I gained weight, she wouldn't so anything, so I assumed that I had.. that's when I started restricting even more. Well, my parnets came to pick me up this weekend, and they didnt' say anything but then when we got back to the hotel my dad was saying how boney my shoulders were and my chest and that I looked like I'd been in a concentration camp. And that the boniness wasn't a good thing. It kind of freaked me out cause I didn't notice anything. Then they kept yelling at me about how much I ate. I mean, we went out to eat like 3 times and I felt so bad and I'm not supposed to go eat fast food.. So I got a grilled chicken salad at this one place and I tried to eat as much as I could but not have too much, and then for dinner we had to go out again so I got grilled chicken (i only ate half of a 3 oz. breast) and some vegetables, and my dad kept yelling at me saying it wans't enough. And I have this calorie counter, and I guess he gos and looks at it while I'm sleeping and he said I know how much calories you had yesterday and its not enough. I thought you said you'd stop trying to lose weight. I thought they were crazy, I mean I was eating more than enough and they are trying to tell me to eat more. So then last night I thought they were done w/ there yelling but my dad starting telin me how skinny I was not ina good way and that I need to gain more weight and eat properly cause i'm going to damage my internal organs and bla bla and he kept yelling at me. Then my mom said she was making baked chicken with cheesey rice and tomatoes, and that is just too fattening for me so I said, well I'm going to have something else, and they were like no your eating what we're having and your going to eat all of it. Then I took my mom asside and was like mom cant I just eat my regular food I usually do and she was like lets go weigh yourself to prove to your dad that you didnt' lose more weight and that you're at a healthy weight.. well then I freaked out cuas eI knew I'd lost weight cuase I'd weighed myself earlier that day so I went in my room and grabbed a bunch of change and heavy stuff to put in my pockets to hopefully make me gain more weight but it only did about 1 lb and my mom like freakeed out when she saw the scale.. so then she started lecturing me.. Well, they made me eat dinner with them last night, but all I wanted was the chicken breast, which was huge and they kept saying I had to eat more than that, but a huge chicken breast is WAy more than enough.. and they kept yelling at me.. and forcing me to eat more and more and they said I need to gain at least 10 lbs.. Why wont they just leave me a lone! I'm fine!

I think I'm going to go crazy.. I didn't think the day would come that people would be going with me to weigh myself, and forcing me to eat and gain 10 lbs... Why?!?!? They think they can control what i eat but when they're not here they can't.......

Omg what's wrong with me?

HEY TROUBLED!!!!
Im so glad your back, i missed ya, lol!
It sounds like your camp went well, tho you lost 10lbs in 4 weeks, wooo, thats alot huni. I know ya think your proud of that - gosh I think I would be if I lost that- but I dunno, is there a part of you that thinks that really is alot to loose?
Temptation is a wierd thing - I understand - with all those things your friend was eating and the things your mum sent you, it must have been a nightmare for you to look at and make your self not want to eat them. Do ya find when you look at them, you'll say "one wont hurt, and ill exercise it off" But once you've eating one, there is no stopping you, you have to eat like the entire bag. Its like your not hungry until you eat something and then you just cant stop.
It sounds like to me, you really are looking skinner then you did when you left for camp, otherwise, your dad wouldn't be on your back the whole time saying you look very thin. - does it feel like you want him to notice your thin, because you want to be skinny, but in another way - you dont want him to notice becasue you know he'll try and make you eat!.
It's the same with me and my mum, I want her to notice im not eating becasue then she'll no there is still a problem and get me to the ED clinic, but then I dont want her to notice because i know she'll be by myside forcing me to eat.
Since you've been gone, ive been having a wierd time myself, one of my friends has talked to me about her ED and how she went through the same thing, and its been a great help to me and Im so glad that we have become really good close friends - but I just cant stop thinking about it, I went to a wedding on saturday and I thought - just for one day im not going to worry and ill just eat what im given, but then it came to the meal and I ate the salad starter - then we were given lamb and we could serve our own veg - I restricted my self to 2 carrots and 2 bits of Asparague, then a 1/2 of the vinilla flan for pud. and still I felt awful I couldnt stop thinking about it all night. - Ive had moments in these past 4 weeks where I just want to give up everything - my mum is forever on my case - saying how little ive eaten and is shouting and always bringing it up - I hear her talking behind my back about it and it brings me down - but ive attually just found out that she was really really ill before i was born and the illness made her loose weight - and so in a way I understand why she is worrid - but I wish I could just be a better daughter to her - but I cant stop this. She is now home for 6 weeks over the hol with me, and so it is going to be so hard not to eat, but I have to restrict I cant just stop now. Gaining weight would just make me more depressed.

Huni, I hope you feel better - how has today been for you? I hope I can help more.....im glad your back to post,
Lotsalv and hugs
X Hannie X

Hey troubled.. look, girl.. I think you know that losing 10 lbs in 4 weeks and only eating 400 cals/day isn't good or else you wouldn't be here. You know that we're a recovery board and we are going to tell you when something you're doing is hurting you. Your parents are right to be worried. And maybe you feel like you're fine now, but that isn't going to last. The longer you go starving yourself, the weaker you are going to feel and you're going to do more and more damaged to yourself. Permanent damage. It doesn't sound like you're at the point yet that you are ready to start recovery.. but it's something that you need to seriously think about. The thing is about anorexia.. we think that we can go on like this forever, just lose five more pounds, then another five, then another.. but we can't. Eventually we are going to break down and eat or we are going to die. Those are the only options. Just think about it, okay.

Aw hunny...i am SOOOO sorry....i was identical to that last summer...i restricted like mad and never noticed the weight loss...i didnt think i was boney, i thought i was HUGE. until ppl got mad and worried and blaa blaa blaa...i was like what the hell is wrong with u ppl? IM FINE! so, when i finally confronted my prob, we went to the doc and i got help and bala blaa blaa..i gained 25 lbs since my lowest and holy man...i did look like crap. i see picture of me last yr and i just die. i looked horrendous!! no wonder ppl gave me weird looks...."sigh"

hunny, u need to get help now and FAST. please, for yur health's sake